Saturday, January 2, 2010

Everything I Needed To Know About New Jersey, I Learned In A 2 Minute Span Wednesday Night

Okay, so last Wednesday night, my fellow 2 Man Weave writer P Dubs and I made the trip out to East Rutherford to watch our New York Knicks play the New Jersey Nots (Not a type-o, but when your that close to being 30 games under .500, and it's still December, I refuse to acknowledge you as a real organization). The tickets were only $3.99 on StubHub, and lets just say we got what we payed for.

Upon entering the stadium, everything about the venue seemed laughable to us (you can fill in the blank as to why). For starter's as we walked up to the entrance, which looked like a sideways pyramid with random dots of lights, Jay Sean's incredibly annoying song "Down" was blasting from the outdoor speakers. Real classy.

Inside it was more of the same; cheesy promotional offers, Nets dance girls walking around trying to sell you shit you didn't want, and just an overall sense of unprofessional-ism that comes hand in hand with a 2-29 record. After a few more minutes of wandering around we found our seats. Well not our seats per se, but seats that seemed appealing to us, and since the stadium was only half full we had a large selection to choose from.

Next came the player introductions, but this wasn't your normal player introduction by any means. As far as I'm concerned, the Nots are the only professional (and I use that term loosly) franchise that I've ever seen, where their announcer/hype man is a key visible figure during your time at the game. I wasn't able to remember his name, and thankfully so, but picture a cross between Mekhi Phifer in 8 Mile and Arsenio Hall circa '93. Now imagine him wearing a throwback #32 Dr. J jersey and running out onto the court during every timeout, stoppage of play and end of quarter, screaming into his mic prompting the fans to get loud, or whatever it was he instructed them to do. He finished the introductions in one of the most amateur displays of broadcasting I've ever seen, all the while swinging around an over-sized Nots towel like Gary Sheffield pre-pitch.

Once that concluded the game started. The first quarter was the only watchable quarter there was, and the Knicks ended up loosing (and missing out on a chance for their first 10 win month in 5 years) 104-95. But I'm not here to write about the game, or my complete and utter hatred towards Al Harrington, what I'm here to do is write about one of the most ridiculous human behaviors I have ever witnessed in my entire life. The "Chipole Burrito Giveaway."
At 7:50 that night, I observed one of the strangest traditional fan give-a-ways of all time. During a time out, hype man and his crew of roughly 10 other late teen/early 20's youths came running onto the court. They were fully equipped with bags and slingshots. Originally Pete and I figured it would be the routine T-Shirt launch but we were sadly mistaken. Out of nowhere the hype team began launching Chipole Burrito's full force into the stands. An endless assault of wrapped burrito's were being thrown in every which way and the people at the stadium were ABSOLUTELY LOVING IT. Seriously they were acting like cavemen fighting over meat for dinner, or better yet orphans at an orphanage on Christmas Eve fighting over presents. The place erupted, and people were legitimately fighting over these burrito's that continued to be catapulted into the stands. I couldn't believe my eyes. Here we were at a basketball game where the home team was 2 and 29. During the game the stadium resembled the decibel level of a wake, yet given the prospect of free food and these people became batshit crazy. Literally 90 seconds after the burrito massacre ended there was a two-possession streak where first Devin Harris went coast to coast with a beautiful reverse lay-up, and on their next trip down the court someone threw an ally-oop to Brook Lopez. Both times, crickets. Not a peep out of the stands. Did these people not realize that A) having food thrown at you is one of the most utter signs of disrespect one can commit and B) that the damn things were being sold in the hallways for $5 a pop? If you want one that bad just go buy the thing, don't wrestle a 12 year old kid for it. Witnessing that was a low point in humanity for me.

After that scene calmed down I turned to Pete and jokingly (but really I was serious) said that if someone asked me to create a 10 second YouTube clip without words but with sound that describe New Jersey best, I would absolutely choose a clip of those fans loosing their minds during the Chipole Burrito Giveaway. It was barbaric, but it was New Jersey in a nutshell (or doughy bread).

-fresh (@danye33)

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