Thursday, February 4, 2010

The 2010 Lettuce/Ketchup Fiasco

I witnessed something today at lunch that was so unbelievably bizarre there was no way I could let the story go untold. Myself, JJ, Mike and Ryan went to Neubig (the all you can eat dining hall at Cortland) for a hungover lunch at around 12:30. I could barely manage to get down a hamburger, and everything I ate seemed to infuriate my stomach even more. After a half hour or so, we were about to leave when we saw the most outrageous display of cafeteria etiquette we had ever seen.

Standing a mere five feet away from us was a girl holding a single plate with a gigantic tower of shredded lettuce. The above photo really does it justice, like no kidding you would be able to keep a rabbit stuffed for a solid month with the amount she had on her plate, but oh no it didn't stop there. She then proceeded to walk over to the ketchup dispenser and beat the handle down with the rage of an unpaid pimp. Beating it down over and over again as the lettuce became hidden behind a tsunami of ketchup, but still that wasn't enough. She then proceeded to fill up three additional mini ketchup cups and walked over to her table that was adjacent to ours. You know the old saying about how you "can't look away from a train wreck", well that is exactly how we all felt at that time. We all had a vested interest in how much crazier this meal could potentially get for her, so we decided to stick it out and not leave until she finished.
It was brutal from the get-go. I dry heaved roughly six times during that first plate of lettuce/ketchup and at one point thought I was going to vomit exorcist style right there at the table. Not only was she eating the ketchup doused lettuce, but she would scoop out ketchup from her extra stash with a fork first before digging into her course. Watching that display of eating made my stomach twitch.

Ok, so first plate done. She ate it with all smiles, got up, and disappeared into the hot foods section of the dining hall. We thought we were good to go, but that's when she returned with yet another plate (and by plate I mean mountain) of shredded lettuce. Next stop, the ketchup dispenser. The first one she tried was predictably out of ketchup (and rightfully so after the beating it took from her last time), and the look of sheer anger in her eyes was unmistakable. It was as if she had just realized somebody had totaled her car in a hit-and-run and she didn't have insurance. Luckily for her, and us for our enjoyment pleasures, there was another full dispenser two feet to her right. Sure enough, BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE, Hurricane Katrina pt.2 of ketchup flooding over her Mt. Vesuvius of lettuce.

It was at this time that we realized two freshman girls that we knew were sitting at another table nearby, but with a much better view of the situation (Yes, I jump at any chance to use the phrase "The Situation", deal with it). We immediately texted them begging to take a picture/video of what was unfolding before our eyes, but they rejected our requests. Stupid freshmen. Anyways we kept watching, laughing and at times almost crying over our disgust. Plate 2 was more of the same, and once she finished up with that, went to get a coffee. She came back empty handed and we assumed she was done devouring Roger Rabbits dinner, so we decided to call it quits and head home. Upon arriving in our driveway, Cummings received a text from the freshmen saying that she had in fact gotten A THIRD PLATE!!

So let that be a lesson to all of you, it's not over until the fat lady sings... or at least until rabbit ketchup loving girl leaves the dining hall!

Lastly, here is a great video I found of a child doing a ketchup keg stand at an A&W. No joke, we had bets going on whether or not she was going to attempt this.



  1. First off Dan I just was wondering why you didn't get this chick's number. If you were the dude at Cortland who banged the ketchup rabbit girl, lengendary. Secondly, Cummings is a nub for not banging ketchup girl. Thirdly, in relation to the youtube video, that is why people born and raised in New Hampshire should not be able to create and raise children.

  2. This is defintley one of the funniest stories I have ever heard/read... but I really can not get over the irony that a true ketchup fanatic spotted this and then was able to find a ketchup keg stand... it makes me wonder who that little boy in the video is? last time i checked danye puts ketchup on everything... thankfully not lettuce but lettuce is not one of the 7 meals that he eates... hmmm very ironic.....