Friday, February 11, 2011

Things Not To Do When Visiting Your Alma Mater

(Don't be that asshole older guy coming back like O'Bannion was)

So this weekend I'm making the pilgrimage back to the home land, snowy SUNY Cortland. The place where I spent four of my formative adult years. A lawless environment that helped mold me into the person I am today, but not without first strapping me into a roller coaster ride of extreme highs and a few mild lows. But as I approach this visit, I am aware that I am a much wiser man now than the 18 year old, popped collared lad who first entered the frozen tundra of Cortland, NY. And with this new found knowledge, comes a new responsibility to inform you, the graduate, of how NOT to behave when reentering the wild that is, your alma mater.

#1. Don't confess your love to someone who wouldn't bang you when you were still a student there- Look, we all know why colleges exist. So that young adults can have casual sex without repercussion before entering the real world. And if you couldn't seal the deal back when you had access to parties, a house, and large amounts of grain alcohol, it ain't happening now. Chances are shes found someone else already, forgotten about you, or is creeped out/repulsed by the idea of even touching you (just like she was back then). So save face, and hit on new faces, not old acquaintances.

#2. Don't eat in the campus cafeteria- Fact. No one enjoys eating the food on campus. Sure it's easily accessible if you live in the dorms, convenient if you have a meal plan, and orgasmic if you have an eating addiction, but if you're a real human being, with access to a debit card and automobile for the love of God eat somewhere else. No one wants to be online at the salad buffet thinking "Hey, isn't that the creepy older guy who poked me summer going into Freshman year?". Show that you've matured and moved on from the Ramen Noodles/all you can eat days.

#3. Don't start a fight with someone who is currently in college- Or in general for that matter, but for arguments sake lets stick with someone who's still in school. For starters, if you start a fight at any time you're a total douchebag. If you start a fight as a college graduate with kids that are still in college, you're a mega douchebag. The diploma is supposed to symbolize maturity, knowledge and accomplishment, so act that way. Don't get tough with some drunk 19 year old who bumps into you while completely inebriated having a great time. Think about how much you used to make fun of asshole alumni when they would come up, and now realize college students might be thinking of you that very same way. Much like at All-Star games when they have some of the old timers in attendance, there comes a point when you need to realize that your time has come and gone, and it's a whole new ballgame, with a whole new roster.

#4. Don't buy drugs from underclassmen- Yes, college is a time for experimentation. Yes, if you're still "experimenting" with drugs as a college graduate you have a drug problem. Get help, not high. What was once all fun and games with the guys from your floor, has now become a lonely and embarrassing habit. Stick to the bar and you'll be fine.

#5. Don't throw up (in public)- College is a time for testing limits. Seeing how much alcohol your body can absorb, and then pushing it 10x past that. We've all woken up in a bed of vomit (Oh wait, you haven't?) or ran to a garbage can because we couldn't keep down our fourth game over shot at 2 a.m. (tabasco, tequila, 151). But by the age of 23 you should know what your body can and can't handle. Now there's nothing like a good morning yuke of straight bile to cure your hangover blues, that's normal. But throwing up while surrounded by kids that were in middle school while you were getting a handski at prom is a little embarrassing.

So there you have it! Follow these five steps and you won't make an ass of yourself at your grand return to the promised land.

*Bonus tip- If you're making some money as a graduate, don't be afraid to spread it around and buy a few rounds of shots for the ladies. It'll show maturity, wealth and that you're there to have a good time. Not be a d-bag.

-fresh (@danye33)

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