Monday, July 18, 2011

Florida Teen Murders Parents, Throws Impromptu 50 Person House Party

(CNN) A Florida teen bludgeoned his parents to death with a hammer, stashed their bodies in a bedroom, then hosted dozens of people for a house party, police said Monday. Tyler Hadley, 17, is in police custody, charged on two first-degree murder counts. police said he used a 22-inch framing hammer to fatally beat his parents -- Blake and Mary-Jo Hadley -- in the head and torso outside their master bedroom door of their Port St. Lucie home. He then dragged them inside the room and used "books, files, towels, anything that he could find inside the home to cover the bodies." Around 1:30 p.m. Saturday, Port St. Lucie Police Capt. Don Kryak said Hadley posted an invitation on Facebook, inviting friends to a party at his house. Between 40 and 60 people turned up sometime after 9 p.m., according to police. Nichols said that "during the party and after the party, there was a rumor that perhaps Tyler had killed his parents."

Well ladies and gentleman the torch has official been passed. Sorry Corey Delaney, but your 3 and a half year reign as most the devoted, insensitive, teenaged house party thrower is officially over, you must now bow before Tyler Hadley.

I'm going to go out on a limb and take a stab (no pun intended) on how this all went down.

At roughly noon a super hot chick from his grade probably hit him up on Facebook asking what he was doing that evening. Tyler, not having any plans but also not wanting to look lame, tells her that he was planning on having a huge house party. She tells him how cool he is for doing so, and implies the possibility of oral sex later that night if everything goes as planned (aka- if she's drunk).

Then around 1:30 pm Tyler sends out a mass Facebook invitation, inviting the whole grade to an unsupervised, alcohol induced party in his basement.

Sometime in the mid-afternoon Tyler's parents became aware of his upcoming shindig after seeing the event for it pop up on their Facebook News Feed (let this be a reminder for all of you youngin's to UPDATE YOUR PRIVACY SETTINGS!). They confront Tyler, possibly even grounding him, prompting Tyler to go all Whac-A-Mole on them and bury their bodies with books and towels.

So there you have it. Tyler murdered his parents because they were being total cockblocks and straightedges. The lesson to be learned here- never get in the way of a 17 year old boy and his chance to lose his virginity. Hormornes can be a motherfucker (or motherkiller in this instinct).

And lastly, "During the party and after the party, there was a rumor that perhaps Tyler had killed his parents." God, that must have been awkward. How you possibly enjoy yourself bingedrinking knowing that the owners of the house you're in may or may not be dead?

"Yo Jimmy are we up next in pong?"

"Na man but did you hear Tyler killed his parents and their bodies are decomposing just two floors above us?"

"Didn't hear that but I totally think Stacy is DTF tonight!"

Sounds like a killer party!

-fresh (@danye33)

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