Friday, July 1, 2011

Grandma Goes H.A.M. Over Bacon

(Fox 29 Philly) Fox 29 talked to witnesses in Delaware County who saw a 9-year-old boy allegedly beaten by his own grandmother for eating too much bacon. Police say the victim apparently ate more bacon than anyone else at breakfast and didn't leave enough for others. “She had him by the neck. Seemed to me that she was shoving his head into the wall,” Musumeci said. Young children and adults in the neighborhood reported seeing the woman kneeling on the little boy, punching and slapping him and at one point, squirting a hose at full force in his face. She faces multiple charges, including endangering the welfare of children and simple assault. On Thursday, she remains behind bars, unable to post bail, according to the Delaware County prison website. She has a hearing on July 7.

Now I'm not one to defend child abuse, but in this case I think little man got what he had coming to him. Everyone knows that bacon is the hottest of commodities at family breakfasts. More times than not it's the only form of meat at the table.

Much like the other great unspoken rules that we have established in this country such as no touching at the strip club, don't point/laugh at morbidly obese people (*if they're looking at you) and to always pass the dutchie to the left hand side, the breakfast table has its own Bill of Rights. A pecking order if you will, stipulating who gets first dibs on what, same goes for seconds.

The order goes as follows:

Poppa Dukes- Dad is the guy who literally and figuratively "brings home the bacon". Translation- He eats what he wants, when he wants and as much as he wants.

The elders- Grandma/Grandpa etc. Anyone over 60+ at the table. Look, when you've made it that far, every meal is cause for celebration, so bust out that rocker and get to the front of the line!

Mom- Despite usually being the one selflessly serving the dish to the family, in a perfect world she should be chowing down before anyone.

Kids (ages 12-25, in order of heaviest to lightest)- Big boys (and girls) gotta eat, and regardless of if your 15 or 25, when those unconsumed calories are staring you in the face, mocking you from the frying pan, it can be a little hard to obey the rules. This is the age group that also tends to overstock their plate the first time around for fear that seconds might be sparse.

Kids under 12- Nobody cares about you. You're going to outlive us all anyway, and when that happens then it will be your time to get seconds.

So I don't blame Grandmama for going all Chris Brown on her grandson. Typical greedy kids with their instant gratification just chowing down on all the piggy and not leaving anything left for the rest of the family. Grandma, being the head of the household, took the burdon upon herself to regulate. I pictue it going down something like this, only about 100x more violent.

Is it just me or do you see this story somehow finding it's way into the script for the next "Big Momma's House" movie?

-fresh (@danye33)

1 comment:

  1. That's horrible and funny. The boy LOVES HIM SOME BACON!!! Let' em eat it. I'm impressed by the story or dialogue you told very original. LOVE IT. But still that's cruel. Just saying I'm on the kid's side. I LOVE ME SOME BACON!!!