Monday, August 22, 2011

Everything in Moderation: A Guide to the Summer Music Festival

Summer is a time of the year that represents freedom. The teachers pack up their school supplies and get out their serving treys and aprons, everyone in corporate America continues on with their regular schedule and sneaks off to their summer houses on weekends, and college students get four whole months to take off from their stressful lives that consist of drinking, recreational drug use, unprotected intercourse with complete strangers, and achieving consecutive semesters on the dean’s list from finding a way to cheat on every exam. With that being said, the summer season is a time for these adolescents morphing into maturity to experiment and essentially find their “yin and yang.” What better place to find this sense of self, than at a music festival.

In our generation, technology has taken everything that was once cool and original, and exploited the idea to the point where there are 8,000 clones of the original idea expressed in slightly different ways. In 1969, a team of investors and promoters came up with the most original and famous music and arts festival of all time (I forgot what it was called, but I think the name was derived from a species of yellow bird that can be seen in the Charlie Brown cartoons). In 2011, in the summer alone, there is hundreds of music and art festivals, varying in size, location, and genre, that are musically making it rain all over the globe. That is why I am sitting here, on the toilet bowl, typing this article for the 2manweave, for all of you: to narrow down this spectrum of sounds and get you to where you need to be.

Attending a music festival is eerily similar to running the New York City Marathon. The only difference is, instead of training relentlessly for months to prepare your mind, body, and soul for the 26.2 mile race of a lifetime, you are spending 4 days on a large plot of land listening to endless tunes, taking an unhealthy and experimental dose of hallucinogens, uppers, and downers, all while walking around barefoot and not bathing for an extended period of time. Remember that feeling you get when you meet a really pretty girl, and you get lucky with that girl, and all seems to be going well until you get a glance at the forbidden fruit and before you know it, you look like “Jim” in American Pie when he blew his chance with Nadia? It’s a marathon, not a sprint, guys. Make sure that when dealing with the temptations of drugs, alcohol, and half-naked-hippies shuffling around, you realize you are at this musical wonderland for 4 days and the last thing you want to do is prematurely pluck a string and be left with your equipment out of tune.

With that being said, experimentation is exciting and a natural part of life. Scientists perform them to gain knowledge and college women perform them
to find out that they aren’t lesbians, they’re just intoxicated. Festival-goers perform similar experiments with drugs. The main thing to realize here is that it is okay to try things. Taking one tab of LSD probably isn’t going to kill you, or turn you into a skitzo. Although that may be true; taking one tab of LSD, 13 mushroom caps, 4 ecstasy pills, 6 lines of cocaine, 48 whip-its, 6 bong rips, and drinking 15 beers might do the trick. It is easy to get overwhelmed at a place like this, with all of these party supplies being overly accessible and readily available, but it is important to use your head. Although the gazelle theory does come into play in a situation like this (drug use will kill only the weakest brain cells, leaving the strong one’s to survive), don’t go overboard, become a poacher, and be responsible for the extinction of the species.

For those of you reading this passage, I understand there is an immense amount of information to consume, so just remember the phrase: Everything in Moderation. Gandhi took that phrase to the extreme and Tiger Woods apparently has never heard that phrase before, but I am confident that you all will take my advice and have a happy festival. God speed.

Exhibit A of how not to behave while tripping balls

-Old Blind Bob


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