Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Toss Up! Who’s in Worse Shape: Barack Obama’s Uncle or Anthony Stewart?

Ok so a couple crazy stories hitting the streets (internet) this past week. First we have Anthony Stewart, the 15 year old teen from Syracuse who robbed a 73 year old man at (BB) gun point for seven cents and landed himself in juvie for the next 2-6 years. On the other hand we have Onyango Obama, Barack’s uncle who copped a DUI and is now facing a potential deportation. Let’s go to the tale of the tape for which guy is in worse shape.

Let me start off by saying Anthony Stewart might be the worst criminal of all time. His planning and execution were terrible, and his trial and sentencing probably worse. If you’re going to rob someone it’s got to be worth it. Seven cents bro? Your target had SEVEN CENTS on him? What can you honestly buy with seven cents? Possibly one of those tiny ass Bazooka Joe gums but even that may have inflated to a dime these days. Gotta go big or go home. I mean Anthony- don’t you know that you don’t even have to rob someone to get seven cents? Check inside some couches you’ll find that kind of silver. Yet somehow you get caught, watched your boy snitch, got found guilty, and now you’re serving 2-6 in juvie all over seven cents. When you get out of jail, I suggest you find another line of work and leave the big scores to Danny Ocean.

Next we have Onyango Obama. You know when you get real drunk and do something you regret like piss the bed or make out with a fat chick and then you wake up the next morning and realize what you did? That’s exactly what Onyango is going through now. You know the President went to him and basically told him don’t fuck up and keep clean cause elections are coming up and nobody will ever question the fact you’re here illegally. So what did Onyango do? Rack up a nice BAC of .14 and get pulled over. Probably on his way to get his dick wet at the nearby assisted living facility but instead went all Jim Jones swervin’ and now landed himself in the public eye worse than Mike Donnelly in Black Sheep. I mean Onyango, pull it together bro. We can’t have the Presidents uncle racking DWI’s like he’s Kiefer Sutherland. At least not in an election year.

So who’s in worse shape? I have to admit at the outset of this blog I thought it was going to be a much closer Toss Up. Much like the 1992 NCAA Championship when the Fab Five went up against the Blue Devils. Expecting a great game and it ends with a twenty point blowout. I mean I was 3 at the time but even I was shocked. Same outcome here. Anthony Stewart is running victory laps around Onyango Obama. Anybody sitting in prison (juvie or not) for up to six years for stealing seven cents is probably having a worse day than Obama’s uncle catching a DWI. Cause if he really is in the Barack clan they’ll take care of him, be it formally or through back channels. That’s what family is for.


-Bacon

#guestblog

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