Thursday, September 8, 2011

Peoples That Don't Smoke Weed and Why I'd Like Them Better If They Did

This has happened to us all. You’re sitting around at the end of the day with the usual crew and everyone’s relaxing and ready to smoke a little weed. Maybe a blunt, maybe a few pulls off the one hitter if money is tight. You’ve spent all day taking care of your business, your people, or your hangover and now it's time to get high.

Then you notice that there's a new face in the crowd…could be someone’s girlfriend, or a friend of a friend? Whatever, you don’t mind sharing, the more the merrier. But as you break open the dutch, you notice that the newcomer looks confused. When you take out the bag and begin to grind the weed, they look uncomfortable or even upset. Oh. Fuck. You realize you’re in the presence of a person that doesn’t smoke weed.

Before I talk about peoples that don’t get stoned, I’ll explain why I do puff tree and am partial to peoples that do the same. I believe that smoking weed brings people together, helps people relax, soothes people in pain, and call me a far out hippie but fuck yes I think it brings users a degree of spiritual enlightenment. And unless you’re some people who can’t drive anyway (me) and you’re driving, I think its plain old harmless fun. So…I like weed, and I like my peoples to like weed.

But some peoples don’t like weed.

I was on a date recently with a guy that I was reluctant about because he used hair gel. On the ride there, he confirmed my suspicions with the deal breaker. “I don’t smoke weed. It kind of freaks me out, you know? I guess I think it’s dirty”. Then take my dirty ass home, hombre! And actually, I’d rather smoke a bowl in my room than talk to your boring ass. Perfect? Perfect.

I know I’m being judgmental. What about people who tried weed a couple times and it made them feel funny, or maybe a little paranoid? It just wasn’t for them. Fair enough, I respect that. But I want to date a man, and a man to me is someone pushed through those strange and wonderful first highs and came out on the other side of the fog, and then walked back into the fog…cause they liked it there. There are some women who would disagree, they like their men drug free. Not me. I like weed, and like my peoples to like weed.

Lots and lots of people don’t smoke dope (Can I still call pot dope? I’m always scared people will think I mean heroin). I like some of them a lot. But not that much. Because I’d like them more if they smoked weed.

One example is my dad. My brother and I always hoped that he may have dabbled as a youngster, but we recently discovered that this is sadly not the case. Earlier this summer, Dad pointed to a waxy 4 leaved plant growing by our pool, smiled like he was onto something hip, and said “that looks just like a marijuana plant”. Two things resulted from this. My brother and I put to bed the debate over whether or not dad has toked up, and we began planning our cannabis garden for next season since Pops obviously has no clue what the fuck a pot plants look like.

The man wants you to think if you smoke pot as a parent, your kids and community won’t respect you. But come on, we know dads who smoke, and we know that it makes us respect them all the more. They’re fucking cool. Its the best when you find out someone that you respect and/or is in any position of authority over you smokes ganga. It means they get the joke, they don’t take it all too serious, they know how to hang. It makes you hope that you stay that cool when you get old. Hate to say it dad, I love you, but I’d like you more if you were a stoner.

Like I’ve said, to each their own. But…if there’s one type of person that don’t smoke pot I actually dislike, its the person that don’t smoke pot because they’re a conservative asshole. They not only don’t smoke grass cause its illegal, they don’t smoke grass cause they believe that its morally wrong and destructive. They believe that you are evil if you give in to the temptation of the devils cabbage. Oh please. In my opinion, a steady sign a person is evil is if they're mean. Tell me, conservative assholes who don't smoke pot, have you ever heard the phrase "mean burner", "angry stoned", "pot rage". Nope. We leave those terms to the drunks, 'cause drunks can be mean. And evil. A high person might raid your fridge, but a drunk person might break your kitchen set by throwing it at your fridge. Take your pick.

A recent encounter with one of these types of people who don't smoke pot was the inspiration for me to write this (in addition to the flash flooding that currently prevents me from leaving my house). Now, on some real shit, “Bill” had just returned from a military tour and everyone at the Barleycorn pub that night would agree that he needed PTSD counseling, and maybe some of the nice strong drugs the government and pharmaceutical companies feel are safer than our favorite little plant.

Anyway…my friend and I were on the back deck of our local bar and wanted to bum a cigarette (a safe and legal alternative to weed that only kills millions every year). We didn’t want to be scumbags, so we offered up a drag of our one hitter in exchange for a cig or two. Bill was on the back deck too. I hadn’t seen Bill in years. I didn’t particularly remember him as a weed smoker, but I remembered him as being pretty cool, so I thought the odds were in favor of him wanting to take us up on our offer. Oh boy, I was so wrong.

“Bill” told me he didn’t want my drugs, and also that he was surprised I dared offer him that shit after he just fought for my freedom! I thought, but wait, weed is my freedom, this doesn’t make sense. But then I realized that he meant he was serving in the military. Oh no, oppsies. I started to walk away, but I didn’t get far before I realized I had pulled the pin out of a hand grenade. Bill began yelling at me, my friend, and the overweight man standing next to us. Bill grabbed the “fat fuck” by the neck and told him that he could never do what he just did, and we should all thank him for what he just did for our freedom. Then he pointed at us all individually and saying “You don’t give a fuck about this country, YOU DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THIS COUNTRY”.

Whoa. Not to say that old Billy boy’s appreciation for weed was the brightest crayon missing from his box that night. And it’s besides the point to note that if Bill was high on grass instead of rip roaring drunk he may have been a much more docile patron of the Barleycorn (like Donna, who watched this whole episode from the corner with great amusement). That’s a whole other topic.

What I really believe, is that if Bill was a pot smoker, he probably wouldn’t be the kind of guy to yell at people. Or grab people he deemed “fat fucks” by the neck during an angry rant. He probably wouldn’t be the kind of guy to join the “fight for freedom” that the U.S military calls its imperialistic exploitation of foreign lands and people…cause he’d be busy freein’ his mind. Politics aside, I hope there’s hope for Billy. And I think some of that hope lies in him not being a conservative asshole that don’t smoke pot.

In conclusion, I’d like to shout out the D.A.R.E program to say that yes, you did scare me shitless in 5th grade and make me cry at a family party where my mom drank a rum and coke cause you taught me that liqueur was a gateway drug (but not as bad of a gateway drug as weed, which consistently gets me in the mood to shoot dope..heroin dope).

D.A.R.E program, conservative rural education, you may have successfully influence me in childhood, but your fear mongering campaign against weed lost validity about the same time my peers and realized that abstinence was not the only way to prevent pregnancy.

Thank god for older kids on the school bus. Thank god for the internet. Thank god for weed. Amen.




  1. This could quite possibly be the dumbest shit I have ever read. I'm glad Dan voiced his opinion. While the war may not make sense, at least he represents his country on behalf of us citizens. You then have the nerve to disrespect him in a way like this. You're doing great.

  2. Who is this directed at and who is the Dan you are referring to?

  3. Dan would be the "Bill" character in the story.

  4. Oh I get it, you actually know the "Bill" character.

  5. LOL, that Anonymous is so brain washed....
    God i had to move away from my country because of your imperialistic country, so thats what you want to represent? murdering children, women and innocent men?

    I so agree with the person who wrote this.
    I feel the same way, My mom has so many problems, and takes so many prescription drugs, all she could do was take a toke per day, and be fine all the time!

  6. My kind of woman.....