Last Monday, September 19, 2011, Comedy Central aired their latest roast and this time the guest of honor was the "Wild Thing", Charlie Sheen. Some may think it was quite appropriate, given Sheen’s recent explosion in the public eye ;) but at the same time, some people are sick of seeing this guy get so much publicity for acting like a complete sociopath. Personally, I commend Charlie Sheen for his lackadaisical outlook on life, hookers, cocaine, and feminism at this point in his existence. Despite having two daughters, one of the best sitcoms on television, and a family of celebrities that are constantly vulnerable to criticism and critique, Charlie always seems to be on the front page of Esquire backhanding a stripper with his teeth gritted in a Jack Torrance-esque smirk. This may work for Charlie’s publicity, but it served as the fodder for the incredibly raunchy jokes spit out by the celebrity panel at this roast.
As a whole, the roast was mediocre at best. It wasn’t bad, but it had the potential to be epic. It was almost like traveling an hour out of your way to get Sonic because you saw the commercial and it looked so damn good, but then you get there, they mess your order up
three times and the kid on roller blades hits a pothole and spills a slushy on your pants. It’s not like your entire meal was bad, but it could have been a better experience for you. Some of the comedy was great (Amy Schumer, Seth MacFarlane, Jeff Ross), while some of it was just okay (Anthony Jeselnik and Kate Walsh), and some of the “comedians” would have been better off if they stayed home (Shatner, Tyson, Steve-O). If Comedy Central decided to bring back some old favorites and leave out some celebrity circus acts, this roast could have had the audience squealing for more.
Lisa Lampanelli, as essential to a roast as yeast is to bread, decided not to attend this event, which in my opinion was from the utter embarrassment of seeing Mike “The Situation” humiliate himself in the Donald Trump Roast. I would say The Situation should stick to his day job, but the Jersey Shore is the worst thing to happen to this country since the Depression, so we can all hope he just gets locked in a tanning bed someday Final Destination style. Lampanelli made the right choice, because Comedy Central made the detrimental move of going to their bench and adding another no talent Mike. Only this time is was Tyson.
First of all, I love Mike Tyson as a fighter and what I am about to say relates solely to his career as a celebrity after sports. Mike Tyson has been more overused in mainstream comedy these days than porn stars that specialize in bukaki videos. Yes, the Mike Tyson compilation video in addition to all of his public interviews are hilarious. Yes, his cameo in “The Hangover” was a great addition to the movie (although they should not have put that scene in the trailer, it would have been way funnier if we didn’t see it coming). After that brief comedic career, it should have been back to feeding pigeons, watching cartoons, and eating Fruity Pebbles for Tyson. Putting Iron Mike up on stage and having him attempt insult comedy for 5 minutes is more painful than getting hit in the face by him (Ask Steve-o, who also should stick to stunts and stay away from stand-up). Or, as far as Amy Schumer pointed out, “you have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face…Men don’t know whether to be scared of it or finish on it.” It didn’t help that Comedy Central let him drink during the show and he was drunkenly cackling and drooling at every joke told by every performer. Again, Amy Schumer (Last Comic Standing Season 5, 4th Place Winner) said it best when she was asking the audience if Tyson had a translator with him.
Besides Tyson being more out of line than Sara Palin in her attempt at a career in politics, there were several other “comedians” on the special that didn’t seem to fit too well. William Shatner, best known as Captain Kirk on Star Trek, was funnier to look at, being bloated and plastic at age 80, than to actually hear spit out comedy. Jeff Ross hit him with a good one when he said, “Hey Captain Kirk, maybe Scotty can beam your balls up from the floor”. Steve-O, although I am a huge fan, wasted his time trying to impress the audience with a stunt while he awkwardly ran into Tyson’s fist. Maybe Seth MacFarlane was right when he said Steve-O should stick to stapling his balls to his leg. As far as Kate Walsh and Anthony Jeselnik, Kate Walsh was cute but should stick to drama, and Jeselnik had his moments, but should stick to holding Amy Schumer’s purse and start trying harder because it sucks when your girlfriend is funnier than you.
Being that I’m a “glass half full” guy, there were some noteworthy performances. It goes without saying that Seth MacFarlane is more than qualified to be the Roast Master and he lived up to the expectations. Always witty and one of the most successful men in television today, MacFarlane made it a point to do his job and make fun of everyone with precision and intelligence. “Yes, we are here tonight to honor and hopefully arrest, a man who was great in two things twenty five years ago . . . Charlie Sheen.” “You’ve seen him on TV, you’ve seen him in movies, and if you’re a prostitute, you’ve seen him point a gun at your face when you’re trying to get him hard.” I could go on with all of his memorable quotes, but I would literally have to type out his entire performance.
Also, as expected, Jeffrey Ross took the gold medal for best jokes and the most “bang for your buck” if you will. Dressed up as Omar Gaddafi, claiming to be “the biggest dictator who is roasting a dick,” he rips on everyone from the obvious Sheen, to the unexpected Slash who nobody took a shot at (Slash, you’re like the Abe Lincoln of rock n’ roll, especially since you haven’t had a hit in four score and seven years).
What wasn’t expected was the sarcastic genius of Amy Schumer. Starting out with the obvious target, she rips apart Tyson while he slurs and rambles idiotic remarks back at her that she effortlessly rebuttaled. She then rips on everyone, including her boyfriend Jeselnik, and even tells Shatner she’s “seen less bloated men dredged out of rivers.” My hat goes off to Schumer for taking the “you’re a nobody” jokes and making every dude in the room cower away with their dick between their legs.
Overall, Charlie agreed to do this roast with the knowledge that he would be called out for his poor parenting, drug use, and the rest of his inappropriate behavior. People call him crazy, but I call him a marketing genius from Mars. Sure, his life may have gone from two and a half men to two and a half grams, but at the end of the day Carlos Estevez is still winning.
Duh.
-Old Blind Bob (@HeadBOBin)
#guestblog
(Ed. Note- I thought this was the best roast in years, but I’m a little higher on Jeselnik/Walsh than Bob is)
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