Thou shalt not post pictures of flowers from your husband/boyfriendI'm sure that if I had a pair of XX chromosomes then I too would enjoy the pleasure of receiving natures wall paper as much as you ladies do, but lets try harnessing that happiness between you and your man and not your 1,500 friends on Facebook, shall we? And lets face it- the only times girls get flowers in the first place is on their birthdays, valentines day, anniversaries, if the guy fucks up or on those thoughtful, yet disgustingly titled "just because" days. None of those reasons affect my life in the slightest and I would appreciate it if you kept your blossoms off of my screen. Also, it makes fat chicks jealous and that's not cool.
Thou shalt not post pictures of wine/martini glasses in an attempt to emphasize "classiness"
Classy = Having a glass of Chardonnay with your constitutionals at the Ritz. Not Classy = Muploading a picture of your glass of Pinot at a hole in the wall dive bar. Like the great Vince Lombardi once said, "Act like you've been there before."
Prof pictures of couples kissing = Overkill
Far too often do my eye balls come across puke worthy I.D.A. (Internet Displays of Affection). It's like when you see a couple sloppily making out a the bar, but only this time you can't look away, or throw ice at them. That image remains frozen in time for all of eternity on the Internet, forever making you feel uncomfortable. Stick with the arm around the waist/shoulder and leave it at that.
Please do not drown us in photographs from your wedding (ditto for your new born child)
Classic example of not being able to tell when enough is enough. Yes, you looked beautiful at your wedding. Yes, it looked like an absolute blast. Yes, I can now see that you LOL'd when the wedding band messed up the lyrics to "Louie, Louie". No, I wasn't there, so therefore I do not care. Sure the pictures merit posting, but it's the in-your-face never ending albums upon albums of bouquets and distant family members that we could all do with out. A nice alternative would be to put together a slide show and have a viewing party with the people who were actually there with you. If I wasn't invited, I don't really care. End of story. As for the babies, there is a much finer line to be walked on. A new life is something everyone can get interested in, but after the initial shock value that a person you know has had a child, everything else just seems kind of "meh" (examples of this are the babies first steps, first trip to the beach, first lost tooth, basically any derivative involving the word "first" is something I probably don't need to be looking at). That is of course until either one of these things happen to me. Then you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm gonna shove it in your face til your eyes bleed. This was your fair warning.
Let us leave kissy faces where they belong, on MySpace
Not to be confused with the drunk face, the pout face, the lemon blow job face or the DTF face- the kissy face was a style that first achieved social networking fame on the now Internet grave yard, MySpace. Girls from as young as 12 and as old as your grandma were puckering up for the lenses in the earlier part of the 2000's, and unfortunately, not much has changed today. Words that come to mind when I think of the kissy face are trashy, douche bag, tool and embarrassing. For the entire Anatomy of the Kissy Face, click here.
Thou shalt not double dip (make a status out of something you have already tweeted)
This one seems like common sense, but it's actually shocking to me how frequently I see people posting the same status/quote/joke/news on both their Facebook wall and Twitter feed. It's like couples that swing, you can't have it both ways. Stick to one or the other and stop making us overdose from your double dose of self promotion. We get it, you thought it was funny when you posted it and so did we... when we saw it the first time!
Thou shalt not use the poke button as a flirtation device
"Poking", really? How old are we folks? At least muster up the courage to send a private message. For the last six years I've debating internal and externally about what the purpose of this button is even for. Is it intended to let someone know you're thinking of them? Was it created for comedic purposes? I've never actually been poked by a friend in real life, so why would this type of behavior be condoned on the Internet? I think if you could choose what part of the persons body you were "poking" it would make your intent a lot clearer. On second thought, I think I should just quit while I'm ahead.
No countdowns for any vacations, birthdays etc. until its within a week of the event
Look, we all know that someday, a long, long time ago, you fell out of your mothers Vajayjay. But we don't ALL need to be reminded of that anniversary anytime it comes within 75 days of your birthday. Live for the moment people. Sure, there are some exceptions- for example if you're going to China for the semester, or London for the Olympics then your premature boast gets a pass. But for the mundane, routine things like "26 more days until I'm a senior!!!!!" or "three weeks, two days and seventeen hours til I'm raging at Avicii!!" just keep it to yourself. We see right through your failed attempt at subliminally bragging anyway.
Thou shalt not post a status in a desperate attempt to get people to feel sorry for you
I cringed just typing this Commandment. There is nothing, I repeat nothing worse than seeing someone wallow in self pitty on their profile. I don't want to even get into examples for fear that a person I'm referencing may be reading this and subsequently off themselves so I'll leave it at this- have some dignity and spare us the "boo hoo" routine. If your "friends" (yes, living, breathing, I know your phone number, friends) actually care about you they will notice that something is wrong by your behavior or tone or voice, not because you begged for attention on a social networking site.
Thou shalt not be trolled into posting fake "cause" statuses
I touched on this in paragraph 7 of last weeks Facebook column, but it still deserves mentioning in the Commandments because of how utterly depressed it makes me that people actually fall for this shit. Now this is not an attack on remembrance statuses, or those anti-bullying ones from a few weeks back that I actually thought were really effective. I'm talking about those Amy Bruce, "I'm dying", donate money, bullshit Make a Wish Foundation ones that are so clearly fake. So please, before posting, remember that your Internet life is a direct correlation of your real life, and if you post stupid stuff like this as your status then the odds are you're not too bright in the real world either.
-fresh, 2011 AD (@danye33)
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