Ah yes, the Christmas season is upon us once again. It's at this time of year that we take part in yearly traditions such as eggnog chugging contests and plastering on a smile when your great Aunt Bertha gives you three DVDs from the five dollar box at Walmart. I don’t care who you are but National Lampoon Christmas Vacation 2 is not a classic. Over the past month we've had to endure listing to the same five Christmas songs being played in a never ending rotation on the radio. After listing to all these songs for about the 1000th time in my life, I’ve come to realize that a lot of them have double entendres and a lot of them are disturbing in nature. So here is my breakdown on some of the most classic and fucked up Christmas songs.
Bing Crosby- White Christmas
This classic diddy has been a mainstay for Christmas songs for decades. How much cocaine did Bing Crosby use in his lifetime to dream of having a Christmas that is based around it. The connections to the devils dandruff is pretty glaring when you consider that "White Christmas" is the best selling single of all time according to Guinness book of world records. The fact that this song sells as well as cocaine does means there is no way I could leave it off this list.
Eartha Kitt- Santa Baby
This song is absolutely filthy. It's basically a dirty love letter that some whore sends to Santa before Christmas. She is trying to fuck her way through her Christmas list. She is the ultimate gold digger. She's claiming how good she has been and asks Santa for a yacht and a Sable coat. She then tells Santa to "Hurry Down My Chimney Tonight". If I was Santa I would be pissed at this chick. Like Santa has a wife and a bunch of elves to take care of and you're blatantly going to make a song about trying to commit adultery with him? Like even if he was going to give her his candy cane, she blew it because she was so in his face about it. This song has single handedly become a Christmas anthem for gold diggers around the world. HO-HO-HOme wrecker.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause- Jimmy Boyd
This song may very well be the most fucked up Christmas song there is. Whoever wrote this song had some serious daddy issues. The song describes what it’s like to come downstairs on Christmas morning all excited for your gifts only to see mommy tongue (and balls) deep with some fat guy in a beard. Like imagine your mom making out with anyone, and this kid has to witness this act on Christmas, as she gets it on with Papa Noel. I want to know what happens when daddy comes downstairs? I want to see the sequel to this song, "I saw daddy go to jail for domestic violence". It would be very similar to how the song Guilty Conscience ends.
Run DMC- Christmas in Hollis
This is the Christmas Rap song that started it all. It perfectly described what it would be like if Santa stopped in Hollis queens for a night. The best part of this song is the way Run describes seeing what is sure to be a homeless man or some insane old guy chillen in the park, but turns out it's SANTA MOTHER FUCKIN CLAUSE. I also got the idea that it was cool to ask my parents for a million dollars in cold hundreds of Gs. Needles to say I never received my Christmas dough.
Bruce Springsteen- Santa Clause is Coming to Town
This song gets me so pumped for Christmas, and life in general for that matter. Hell, I could listen to it before a football game to get amped up. From the way Bruce sounds like he smoked 5 packs of Virginia Slims before singing it to Clarence Clemons' "you better be good for goodness sake" in the ultimate baritone voice, nothing quite sets the holiday mood like this track from the E Street Band.
I love Christmas music and these songs are just a few of my favorites. They spread holiday cheer but if you really look at them they should spread holiday fear and tears (sans The Boss). MERRY CHRISTMAS MOTHA FUCKASSSS