Thursday, July 28, 2011

"Rivals" Update- The Jungle Is Heating Up

C.T. has proved from day 1 on Rivals that he is the alpha male of the house

If you haven't been watching this season of MTV's The Challenge "Rivals" then you've been missing out on the perfect remedy for all your summer lockout blues. This year they ran with an idea that had been widely discussed on the web for some time now, pairing players up with their archenemies from prior challenges. Rivals, or frenemies if you will, from the get-go has provided immediate additional drama to a show that already oozes with dysfunction, betrayal and chaos.


The biggest teamcest (incest, but with teammates) blowup occurred last night in episode 6 between veterans Evan and Nehemiah. Evan threw the "Catch & Release" challenge by purposely not swimming to the finish line, securing the worst time, thus automatically sending himself and teammate Nehemiah to the "Jungle" for a chance to send C.T. home. This was a calculated move on Evan's part, one that him and his pose (Johnny Bananas, Kenny, Wes) had colluded to pulling off earlier in the show. Despite Nehemiah agreeing to a similar move a few challenges prior, Evans tanking blindsided him and left him feeling used and heated. When they got to land Nehemiah threw his life jacket in Evan's face and called him a bitch no fewer than three times. The duo almost came to fisticuffs, before Wes intervened and separated the two hot heads.



Evan enjoys his last boat ride in Costa Rica

Evan & co. got their wish by facing off against C.T. and Adam in the Jungle, where they were quickly and embarrassingly sent home. The elimination challenge required players to hang from a pipe 25 feet above the ground, where they would have to slide their pipe together from one side of an obstacle course to the other. Evan, notably fatter in this season than in years prior, looked like and was even referred to as a "beached whale" hanging up on that pole. Unable to propel himself forward and stagnating any chance of victory. Meanwhile, C.T. and Adam continued to put their differences behind them and communicate well, cruising to an easy victory and breaking up the aforementioned alliance in the house. With just a couple more episodes remaining before the Final Challenge (300k at stake), I've decided to break down each remaining teams odds to win it all.


  • C.T. and Adam- +135. These guys have never won a Challenge before, but have managed to dominate this season with the bullseye on their backs since day 1. I don't see that changing anytime soon.


  • Kenny and Wes- +150. Their experience, athleticism and ability to overcome their one time hated for each other has transformed this duo into a force to be reckoned with.


  • Evelyn and Paula- +175. After eliminating Aneesa and Robin in the Jungle in week 1, these two chicks have coasted through unscathed, winning multiple challenges along the way.


  • Tyler and Johnny- +220. The loss of Evan puts a damper on this teams chances of going all the way, but with just one more male elimination left, they should be able to advance to the Finals (barring a DQ).


  • Cara Marie and Laurel- +260. Cara Marie and Laura are my dark horses to win it this year. Just a perfect blend of confidence, skill and under-the-radarness.


  • LeRoy and Mike- +300. LeRoy, as predicted, has fared very well thus far in his Challenge debut. He's steered clear of politics and focused solely on the end goal. However, when push comes to shove I can't see Mikey being physical enough to win a grueling


  • Jasmine and Jonna- +400. These two girls have provided the urban, female, in-yo-face flare that the show had been lacking ever since the Ruthie days. Like LeRoy, these rookies have stepped up to plate and refuse to be intimidated by anyone. Unfortunately their inexperience will undoubtedly be their Achilles heel if they make it to the Finals.


  • Jenn and Mandi- +1,000. Hottest duo on the show, but there's not a chance in hell that these two leave Costa Rica with the cash. An STD, well that's another story...


-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What The Game's Been Missing


One of my favorite and most vivid adolescent memories was running home from school and throwing on BET's Rap City Tha Bassment, hosted by Big Tigger (Shoutout to Nilton for watching with me at least three days out of the week). After spending hours in front of my television learning the newest slang and finding myself confused and bewildiered by everything I had just seen, my favorite moment came...The Freestyle. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Tha Bassment, the show basically went like this: the host, Big Tigger, would show up and discuss the most recent and classic hip-hop videos, and bring out a guest or multiple guest to talk about their current projects and their opinions on hip-hop and the culture. After a few hours of this, Tigger would invite his guests into the booth to freestyle and close the show. These impromptu rhymes made for some CLASSIC hip-hop moments and have remained some of my favorite videos to watch on youtube. The following are some of my favorite Freestyles from Rap City Tha Bassment, enjoy:



The Diplomats- Easily my favorite hip-hop collective ever. Dipset had a certain mystique surrounding them and for a few years during the '00s were seriously running the industry. Each one of them kills it, and Cam counting his money while flowing effortlessly over Scarface's "My Block" really epitomized Dipset's whole style and what made them so great.



Kanye West- My favorite Kanye persona. Right before he really blew up after dropping "The College Dropout", 'Ye was incredibly humble (proved by saying how big a fan of Rap City he was) and ready to earn his stripes. My favorite part of this video is he's spitting over his own beat, and killing it harder than Luda did!


Eminem- Eminem has torched the booth over the years. This collection of freestyles shows off his lyrical prowess and why he is one of the best rappers of all time.


Snoop Dogg and Talib Kweli- One of my favorite parts of the show was the random pairing of guests that would spit in the booth. I don't think you would ever see or hear Snoop and Talib on the same track, but Tigger brought them together and produced this classic moment.


Cassidy- I never understood why Cassidy just couldn't pull it together and put out a solid album that would give him notoriety. That being said, the dude can straight rap. One of the best freestyle artists I've ever heard and this clip shows off Cassidy's tremendous wordplay and punchlines.

There are tons of these videos floating around the interwebs and each one is amazing in its own right. I miss Rap City and pray that Big Tigger will come back and bless us with more freestyles.



-Dubs

Monday, July 25, 2011

Amy Winehouse's Autopsy Report



In all seriousness though our thoughts go out to Amy's family and fans. She was a true talent, with a great collection of songs and tattoos. Addiction is a terrible disease.

And for the love of God can every hack comedian out there stop making the "Looks like she shouldn't have said no, no, no to rehab" or any other variation of that joke on Twitter, Facebook etc. It's a mindless jab and in poor taste. If you're going to make a joke out of her death at least be original.


-fresh

HALLELUJAH!

(Huff Po) WASHINGTON — NFL owners and players agreed early Monday to the terms of a deal to end the lockout, and players were expected to begin their voting process later in the day, two people familiar with the negotiations told The Associated Press.

Phew! That was a close call. For a second there I thought I was going to have to actually be a contributing member of society this Fall! You know, help our around the house, spend time with my family, GO OUTSIDE. But with the players and owners finally agreeing to a new collective bargaining agreement today, after 136 days in limbo, three things are now secured for this fall- Fantasy Football, Sunday Funday's (copious amounts of beer, wings and me throwing my remote against the wall because the Chargers didn't cover) and a ghostly white skin complexion.


Somebody cue the music!



-fresh

P.S. Heading into year 2 of our keeper league with Vick and AP. Should I ask for the throphy now, or do I really have to wait til January?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

A Retroactive Diary From My First Concert Ever (Blink-182 at Jones Beach, 7/21/01)


Ten years ago today, at the then Tommy Hilfiger amphitheater in Wantagh, NY (Jones Beach), I attended my first ever rock concert. It was Blink-182, my personal hero's at the time, with New Found Glory and Jimmy Fallon as the opening acts. My dad took my Aunt Joy (blink who?), Bob (another Blink die hard) and myself to the show. The concert had everything a 13 year old kid could ask for- boobies, dick jokes and music from your favorite band. Blink-182 was my very own version of the Beatles growing up, and seeing them live was a dream come true. Below is my retroactive diary of what I remember from that night, 10 years later.

2:32: I'm in my tiny bedroom, frantically putting together a mixtape of my favorite Blink songs. This would be an essential part of my journey to the show, seeing that my families '98 Ford Windstar lacked a CD player.

4:14: The tape is complete. Duel sided featuring all of my favorite songs off of their first 6 albums. It still amazes me looking back now that I still used and made cassette tapes into the 2000's. That feels like the stone age to me now.

4:45: Myself, dad and Joy pick up Bob from his house. He is wearing a dark blue Blink-182 "Loserkids" t-shirt with a bunny rabbit on it. I'm wearing my "Take Off Your Pants & Jacket" tee. It's still unclear whether or not I knew what that saying meant at that time. But what I can say for certain is that when I wore that shirt to school for the first time in 7th grade, a few months prior, I was completely oblivious to the pun. As illustrated by my confused reactions to the disgusted looks I was greeted with by the teachers.

5:40 pm: Bob tells me he has to pee. I tell him we're not pulling over. No way are we going to be even a minute late for this show.

5:55: Bob still has to pee. Still, no surrender (pulling over).

6:17: Almost there but Bob can't hold it in any longer. He pisses into a Gatorade bottle in the back row of the mini-van while in motion. To his credit, he didn't spill.

6:40: We're in the parking lot. Bob and I joke about how we should offer the bottle of Gatorade to a stranger (lemon lime Gatorade is yellow, as is piss. This is how our 13 year old minds worked). My dad quickly shoots down that idea so we settle for our second best alternative- placing it open next to another parked car's driver side door.

7:04: We're in the arena!! Well, technically "amphitheater" since there was no roof. Regardless, we made it. On time. Just hours away from seeing Tom DeLonge, Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker rock our world.

7:13: Standing in line for t-shirts, checking out the selection. Bob and I are intrigued by a t-shirt that simply says "LARRY HAS HERPES". We laugh (not having any idea what that means) but opt for the most standard and less confusing Blink summer 2001 tour shirt, featuring a jumping Hoppus on the front and all the tour dates on the back.

7:32: Sitting in our seats- Let's get this party started! Beautiful view of the water and beach from our seats. The stage literally looks like its floating in the ocean.

7:45: Jimmy Fallon (at the time only known from his SNL work) comes out and plays a few acoustic comedy songs. One was a song about a troll, sang to the tune of "Mr. Jones". This makes us laugh.

8:20: New Found Glory opens up with their song "Hit or Miss"

8:27: New Found Glory's fat bassist Ian Grushka takes his shirt off. He has man boobs. This makes us laugh.

8:50: Ian Grushka's shirt is still off. Bob and I are starting to get impatient. These guys were good, but we were ready for the main attraction.

9:18: Finally out of the darkness the word FUCK lights up the stage in fire behind Blink-182 as they break into their first single off of their new album,"The Rock Show". I have goosebumps and scream every single word. This song actually featured lots of great pyrotechnics, especially during the chorus when flames would shoot up in groups of three (ex. when they sang "FELL IN LOVE" "SHE SAID WHAT" and "SHE'S SO COOL")

9:29: Tom and Mark are going back are forth between songs, talking about sleeping with each others moms and getting peanut butter licked off their nuts by canines. God these guys really could have made a great stand-up duo.

9:34: Anthem Pt. II. A song that boasts the lyrics "If we're fucked up, you're to blame". The rebellious side of my 13 year old self loved this song.

9:37: "And that's about the time she walked away from me, Nobody likes you when you're 23" Whelp, look at me now.

9:40: Happy Holidays, You Bastard. A song about last minute Christmas present wrapping, ejaculating in socks, and Grandpa soiling himself.

9:42: Blink plays Happy Holidays again, only this time in complete darkness. My dad halfheartedly suggests we leave, fully knowing it would take two sets of the "Jaws of Life" to pry Bob and I from our seats.

9:54: I experience my first ever everybody put your lighters up moment during "Adam's Song." Somehow I got my hands on a lighter (none of us were smokers) and partook in the fiery tradition. I felt like a total badass. Then I remembered the song was about teenage suicide and that I was at a concert with my father, which brought me back down to reality. Quick tangent- In 8th grade science class I once broke a beaker while using my pens as drums to play the opening rift from Adam's Song. That bastard Mr. Koziol charged me $25 and threatened to not give me my diploma if I didn't fork over the cash. I reluctantly did the day before graduation. To this day I still wish I would have called his bluff.

10:16: Girls in the pit (GA seats) are flashing the band! That means that from my upper deck seats I can almost make out the shadow of the reflection of the shape of the side of a boob!! Talk about uncharted territory! Concerts are awesome.

10:27: Family Reunion. If this 45 second song were to be played on daytime television, the only words that would clear the censors would be "fart", "turd", "I" and "your mom". I don't know if I've ever seen my dad that tense before. My aunt Joy, the most liberal and open minded person I ever knew, even found that song to be in poor taste. Things were awkward for about 30 seconds, then I went back to having the time of my life.

10:32: We find out that Larry, from the aforementioned "LARRY HAS HERPES" t-shirt, is Blink's guitar technician. Tom tells all 11,000 of us that he Larry does in fact have herpes. My dad shakes his head in disgust.

10:33: All The Small Things. I remember being upset that at the start of the second chorus they didn't change the lyrics to "Late night, come home. Work sucks, I know. She left me roses by the stairs, the blowjobs let me know she cares". Something they had been known to do during live shows. Oh, the mind of a pubescent boy.

10:37: Bathroom break. "What's that smell dad?" Yep, reefer. This was the first time my nose got devirginized to the scent of that funny lettuce. It wouldn't have been a true concert without this encounter.

10:46: Travis Barker does a ridiculous drum solo, prompting me to consider taking up drums for next 5 minutes.

10:51: Stay Together For The Kids. Hands down our least favorite song of the evening. Total buzzkill, like seeing a condom in porn.

10:58: Roller Coaster. Believe it or not, but as a young teenage boy I was by no means a Don Juan with the ladies (middle school girls). Sans the rare, yet occasional truth or dare peck on the lips, I didn't have much luck or confidence. Which is what made this song so relatable. "Breathing deeply, walking backwards, finding strength to call and ask her." Anyways that was the last song of the night. Or so I thought...

11:06: SURPRISE!!!!! There's an encore at these things. Well, not so much a surprise to anyone who had ever been to a concert before, but to me a surprise. Blink comes back out with a vengeance, playing their other rebel anthem "Give Me One Good Reason". By this time I could give you fifty good reasons why this was the greatest night of my life.

11:10: "TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF" screams a jacked up Tom DeLonge as the band breaks into the fan favorite "Dammit". Bob and I lose our shit and begin jumping around all over the place, screaming the lyrics until our lungs bled. This was my favorite song during my middle school years. The one that first comes to mind when I think of that era of my life. Always a go-to on my discman/short lived mini disc player. As for high school I would have to go with "Black Rock" by O.A.R. College is tough, by I think it might actually be a 3-way tie between "You" by Lloyd and Lil Wayne, "Daylight" by Matt & Kim and "Crush" by Dave Matthews Band, with Daylight definitely being the Lucky Pierre of the bunch.

11:13: Dammit ends, the crowd cheers and Mark smashes his blue bass guitar into the stage before chucking it into the ocean. Classic rocker move right there. My heart tells me to run down and jump in to retrieve it, but my brain (and father) remind me that I'm all the way on the upper deck and that no such swim would be taking place. Reluctantly, I walk out of the venue and back to the car, smiling from ear to ear. Knowing right then and there, that this would be a night I would never forget.

Ten years later, that still holds true.


-fresh

"Well I guess this is growing up"

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Music Videos That Don't Suck Vol. 4


Because all MTV airs lately is lactating teens and dolled up guidettes, I've taken the responsibility upon myself to present you, the reader, with worthwhile music videos to watch. This installment features Kanye West's "Paranoid" off of his 4th disc 808 & Heartbreak. Now I'm not going to beat around the bush here, the sole reason this song is getting any burn is strictly because it features Rhianna looking sexy as hell in some lingerie for the better part of video. Throw in the Alfred Hitchcock esq. black and white car scenes and the pulsating words that flash as the song opens up and you've got yourself a winner. I also love how Yeezy titled it as Rhianna In "Paranoid", truly treating it as if it were a movie.

On the real I could watch Rhianna take a shit for 3 minutes and still not turn away. Gross (in both ways) exaggeration, but you get the point.



-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, July 18, 2011

The 2 Man Weave Turns 100!!

Crazy to believe this is the 2 Man Weave's 100th blog post. Seems like just yesterday Pete and I were driving down Central Avenue in Yonkers, cruising for tail when we were stopped at that red light and startled by a knock on our window. "Quick-they're coming!" said the distraught twenty something, as he opened the back door and entered into our '98 Ford Explorer. He was wearing a red and black lumberjack coat, Yankees fitted, ripped jeans and paint-stained New Balance walking shoes. We quickly lowered the volume of the stereo, which had been playing "Feel So Good" by Mase, an ironic choice because at this very instant we were feeling the polar opposite of such a thing. "Dude, you can't just jump in our car, get the hell out of here" we pleaded with the man, but by this time the light had turned green and he quickly composed himself and explained to us that if we drove him a short distance, away from the "bad guys", he would be forever indebted to us. Reluctantly, Pete pushed down on the pedal as we continued down the boulevard.

My initial diagnosis was that the man was under the influence of LSD. The dilated pupils mixed with his intense paranoia were a dead giveaway. So I handed him a lit Newport Menthol Light cigarette and after a few drags he seemed to even out and come back down to Earth. "Who is after you?" I asked and he proceeded to tell of us of how he came to be in such a peculiar predicament.

He told us how he owed a bunch of money to some guy name Sugar Vazquez, and that earlier in the day Sugar had sent some guys by his place to rough him up for the cash. Luckily for our new friend, he had been on the roof of his building, tending to his marijuana plants, when he saw the thugs climb in through the window just off of the fire escape latter. He escaped out the back stairwell, but not unlike in Home Alone 2 when Kevin runs out of the loading dock of the Plaza Hotel, right into the arms of the bad guys, sure enough Sugar himself was there waiting in his '68 striped Camaro. Due to Sugar's large stature (apparently the man weighs over 350 pounds), Jan (the man in our vehicle) was able to escape down an ally before he could get out of the car. Once he got to Central Ave he thought he was in the clear. That is, until a stray bullet grazed past his left ear prompting him to run into traffic and into our back seat.

It was at this moment that Pete shot me a silent glance, one that I telepathically interpreted as "Fuck you. You stupid fuck." But that glance didn't last long because we were abruptly rear ended by the aforementioned '68 Camaro. "Holy shit!" we yelled simultaneously and Pete accelerated, swerving us into the left lane, causing me to spill my Olde English 40 oz. bottle all over the floor (that was the least of our problems).

Sugar was in hot pursuit as he banged his car into the rear ride side of our Explorer. I gave him the finger, but to be honest I think that may have been a tad counter productive. We were starting to catch up to traffic and soon enough we would be sandwiched between other cars, or worse, caught at a red light. We knew it was now or never to make our move and right as Sugar was about to make contact with us for a third time Pete floored it, threading our way in between two cars with inches to spare. This forced the car that we cut off to slam on its brakes, coming to a complete halt, which led to Sugar slamming into it at 65 mph, deploying his airbags, and putting his car (and possibly life) out of commission.

We made an illegal U-turn and cruised away south towards the heart of Yonkers. Jan had almost gotten us killed, but the adrenaline rush was pretty epic so we opted not to punch him in the face for endangering our lives like that. However, we did immediately drop him off at the nearest bus stop.

As Jan was getting out of the car, he turned to us with a smile and said "You guys just ran the illest 2 man weave!". Pete muttered something about "hoping you catch the aids" but it was at that moment that we both became aware of our destiny in life. To start a blog together, and it would be called "The 2 Man Weave".



So there you have it guys, that's how it all began. I would like to take this time to thank you, the readers, for supporting our work, whether you agree with our opinions or not. It really means so much to me that there are people out there that are interested in what I have to say. So please keep reading, keep commenting and keep kicking life's ass each and everyday. Oh, and if you really want to be awesome, 'like us' on Facebook. That is where you can find links to our stories and stories from other great writers that we think you should check out, along with funny pictures, videos, song recommendations etc.

I love you all.

-fresh

Florida Teen Murders Parents, Throws Impromptu 50 Person House Party

(CNN) A Florida teen bludgeoned his parents to death with a hammer, stashed their bodies in a bedroom, then hosted dozens of people for a house party, police said Monday. Tyler Hadley, 17, is in police custody, charged on two first-degree murder counts. police said he used a 22-inch framing hammer to fatally beat his parents -- Blake and Mary-Jo Hadley -- in the head and torso outside their master bedroom door of their Port St. Lucie home. He then dragged them inside the room and used "books, files, towels, anything that he could find inside the home to cover the bodies." Around 1:30 p.m. Saturday, Port St. Lucie Police Capt. Don Kryak said Hadley posted an invitation on Facebook, inviting friends to a party at his house. Between 40 and 60 people turned up sometime after 9 p.m., according to police. Nichols said that "during the party and after the party, there was a rumor that perhaps Tyler had killed his parents."

Well ladies and gentleman the torch has official been passed. Sorry Corey Delaney, but your 3 and a half year reign as most the devoted, insensitive, teenaged house party thrower is officially over, you must now bow before Tyler Hadley.

I'm going to go out on a limb and take a stab (no pun intended) on how this all went down.

At roughly noon a super hot chick from his grade probably hit him up on Facebook asking what he was doing that evening. Tyler, not having any plans but also not wanting to look lame, tells her that he was planning on having a huge house party. She tells him how cool he is for doing so, and implies the possibility of oral sex later that night if everything goes as planned (aka- if she's drunk).

Then around 1:30 pm Tyler sends out a mass Facebook invitation, inviting the whole grade to an unsupervised, alcohol induced party in his basement.

Sometime in the mid-afternoon Tyler's parents became aware of his upcoming shindig after seeing the event for it pop up on their Facebook News Feed (let this be a reminder for all of you youngin's to UPDATE YOUR PRIVACY SETTINGS!). They confront Tyler, possibly even grounding him, prompting Tyler to go all Whac-A-Mole on them and bury their bodies with books and towels.

So there you have it. Tyler murdered his parents because they were being total cockblocks and straightedges. The lesson to be learned here- never get in the way of a 17 year old boy and his chance to lose his virginity. Hormornes can be a motherfucker (or motherkiller in this instinct).

And lastly, "During the party and after the party, there was a rumor that perhaps Tyler had killed his parents." God, that must have been awkward. How you possibly enjoy yourself bingedrinking knowing that the owners of the house you're in may or may not be dead?

"Yo Jimmy are we up next in pong?"

"Na man but did you hear Tyler killed his parents and their bodies are decomposing just two floors above us?"

"Didn't hear that but I totally think Stacy is DTF tonight!"

Sounds like a killer party!

-fresh (@danye33)

Is "Mean" The Country Music Equivalent To "Hit 'Em Up"?


In short, no, it's not. At least not in a literal sense. Taylor doesn't sing about banging her arch-rival's baby daddy, or warn us to "grab your clips when you see T-Swift", but what she does do is raise the simplest of all questions to her haters: Why you gotta be so mean?

Now it's unclear whether this song is about one journalist in particular (some guy named The Triggerman certainly believes so), or the blogoshpere as a whole. You know, the faceless Internet dwellers whose sole purpose in life is to build people up and then subsequently tear them down? Regardless, Swift does a phenomenal job of exposing the (at times) unnecessary cruelness of the media, laying down the ground work right in her opening lyrics.

"You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me,
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man."
But she doesn't stay down for long, quickly rebutting with promises of personal success, moving on to bigger and better things later in life. As the song progresses she also depicts a scene where she foresees the writer alone, drunk and depressed in a bar.

"And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean.
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean."
Although Taylor opts to use the 6-string before reaching for a 6-shooter, the message in both "Mean" and "Hit 'Em Up" go hand in hand. They're songs about making a point, sticking up for yourself (in Pac's case, just slightly more vulgarly) and putting your nemesis down using words that stick and resonate. In Swift's case the message to the writer is simple- your income is dependant upon your reaction to music that I create, not the other way around. Simply put- you need me, not vice versa.

So why you gotta be so mean?

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, July 15, 2011

On To The Next One

(NY Post) Heartbroken Elin Nordegren has found love again with wealthy American investor Jamie Dingman, Page Six can exclusively reveal. Elin, who divorced cheating golf great Tiger Woods following a series of scandals with multiple women, has been dating Dingman, the son of billionaire Michael Dingman, for months. The charming bachelor has previously dated Bridget Moynahan, mother of Tom Brady's baby. He was linked last year to Princess Madeleine of Sweeden.

Now I ain't saying Elin Nordegren is a gold digger, but she aint fuckin' with no broke American investors!

For a year and a half now every women and spineless man on the planet has felt bad for poor little supermodel Elin. How could Tigar cheat on her? With a porn star? Waitress? They had a family, blah blah blah. But just like how we discovered that Tiger had an addiction to sex, we now come to find that Elin has an addiction to money. Really, hunny? The 100+ million that you walked away with in the divorce settlement wasn't enough for you? Spare me the whole "love" spiel cause I'm not buying it. She's hot enough to the point that she could literally have any man on the planet and she just happens to fall for this sleezy billionaire with ties to Swedish princesses and shit? She saw his balance and her eyes lit up faster than Tiger sending a cock shot.

Somebody do me a favor and cue up the Jay-Z music cause she's on to the next one.

-fresh (@danye33)

ESPN Drops The Ball

(NESN) SportsbyBrooks.com reported Thursday that ESPN The Magazine senior writer Bruce Feldman has been suspended indefinitely by ESPN and is not allowed to write on any ESPN platform or his Twitter account. The punishment comes after Feldman helped former Texas Tech football coach Mike Leach write his book -- something for which Feldman reportedly received approval years ago.

ESPN, the self proclaimed World Wide Leader in Sports, has really dropped the ball this time around. Yesterday the network (empire) banned long time staffer, and highly respected journalist, Bruce Feldman, from writing for any ESPN entity and appearing on any ESPN platform for helping out with the new Mike Leach bio "Swing Your Sword". The irony in all this- Bruce got approval to work on this story two years ago. Now he made find himself out of a job.

The controversy stems from an alleged incident in December of 2009 where Leach (then football coach at Texas Tech) was said to have placed an injured player in a dark electrical closet for two hours for refusing to practice. This story eventually led to his dismissal from the university, however varying accounts of what really took place are still discussed today (Leach says he specifically told the player NOT to go into the closet).

The kicker? The alleged closeted player was Adam James, son of ESPN analyst Craig James. Now Leach and ESPN had beef before this incident, due largely impart to his larger than life persona and quick tongue. The fact that the player involved had blood ties to someone high up at ESPN intensified the situation tenfold.

Feldman did abide by company rules by not helping to promote this book in anyway, yet he still ended up getting the short end of the stick. If he has any sense of self respect it would take a Godfather offer from ESPN for him to even consider rejoining the evil emperor. Especially with his credentials and the media backlash ESPN is now facing. Unaware of the prowess of social media, Bruce Feldman began trending on Twitter last night, with other journalists from various rival sports media outlets supporting him with "Free Bruce" hashtags.

This really makes ESPN look bad, and if they don't rectify this situation soon it could lead to a backlash from some of the most promising sportswriters in the business.

In the meantime Bruce, just know that the 2 Man Weave would welcome you with open arms.

-fresh


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Would You Pay $20 A Month To Watch The Aspiring "World's Most Obese Woman" Eat Herself To Death?

(AOL) Donna Simpson, a single mom in New Jersey, weighs 700 pounds and is trying to gain an additional 300 pounds so that she can claim and hold the Guinness World Records' title of World's Most Obese Woman. She says that she couldn't do it without the help of her 4-year-old daughter, who shops with her, helps her prepare food, and feeds her so that she can pile on additional pounds. Simpson pays for her $580-to-$750 per week eating habit plus other expenses by, basically, being overweight. She has a website, geared toward "fat admirers," where people pay to see her eat and flaunt her flab. She claims that she has 7,000 paying fans, and makes nearly $100,000 annually from the site. A three-day membership to her site goes for $7.95, and a one-month membership costs $19.95. For that you get to see videos like "Squashing," "Blue Dress" and "Eating a Pie" plus access to more than 270 photos.

Look at Donna Simpson just crushing life the same way she crushes trays of Eggplant Parmesan. This is another one of those situations where as much as I would love to hate on Jaba the Hutt, she's pretty much owning every facet of life.

Let's first look at this financially. We'll meet somewhere in the middle and say she spends $675 a week on food (Hasn't she ever heard of the dollar menu? You know she's not dropping her extra change at the organic section of Trader Joe's), that comes out to roughly 35 k a year. Take that away from her $100,000 annual take home and she's still sitting pretty at 65 large (no pun intended). Meanwhile I bust my ass at work 5 days a week and still have to pinch pennies on days when I opt. for the footlong over the 6 inch at Subway.

Next let's look at her sex life. Sure she's a single mom now, but having a 4 year old daughter means shes gotten laid at least once in the past 5 years and that's more than I can for most 700+ pounders. Plus you know there are some twisted chubby chasers out there that absolutely eat this shit up (pun intended).

And lastly, she's an internet star! It's 2011, isn't this what we all strive for? She's got her own website with tons of loyal followers cheering on her quest (assisting in her suicide) to become the World's Most Obese Woman. But for real who are the assholes supporting this site? 8 bucks for a 3 day pass to obtain access to 270 pictures of her naked (I'm assuming)/eating/starring in videos such as "Squashing"?

In all seriousness though kudos to Donna for inovling her daughter in this whole shindig. Dragging her along to the supermarket, having her prep meals etc. Truly making the most of their time together now, fully knowing that the over/under on the Donna Simpson heart attack pool is next Tuesday at noon.



Donna Simpson > 2,800 Quarter Pounders

-fresh (@danye33)

Is it bad that I kinda really wanna see this "Squashing" video?

Monday, July 11, 2011

Today Is Free Slurpie Day at 7-11!

(NBC DFW) It's that time of the year again -- free Slurpee day returns once again to cool off folks sitting in triple-digit temperatures. As every year, free Slurpee day falls on July 11(7/11, in numbers). A press release from 7-Eleven organizers was happy to announce that this 7/11 is extra special because 7-Eleven stores will be celebrating their "only 7/11/11 birthday this century."


You gotta love free Slurpie day. The one day a year when people lose their shit and go out of their way to take advantage of this sugary, slushy promotion.

But seriously, the 64 oz mega super sized cups cost like $1.39 and the free ones they give away are only 7.11 ounces. Now I'm no Rain Man, but if that's the value scale I'm basing my data off of that means you're getting roughly 20 cents worth of Slurpie for free. It's the convenient store equivalent of playing "just the tip".

Now don't get me wrong, once I get off the train tonight I'll be hauling ass to pick up my free sippy cup of Pina Colada just like the next guy. It just sucks going into it knowing that I'll be left with blue drink (beverage version of blue balls). I may have to pull a Peter Griffin and show up with a fake mustache and eye glasses to try and pull one over on the man.








On second thought I think I'll just buy one.


-fresh

Saturday, July 9, 2011

This Jose Canseco Twitter Meltdown is AWESOME

[Images via Getty, Bob's Blitz]






As some of you may already know, this weekend has been a complete wash for me. Last night I worked the midnight-9 am shift, so in laments terms, no beer/fun/sleep for this guy. However, the lone saving grace that single handedly made my weekend happened last night at about 2 am when I finally took a break from the nonstop work I was dealing with to check Twitter. I had about four hours worth of tweets to scroll through on my timeline, and when I came
across these Canseco gems I immediately spit out my non-existent coffee.

Apparently the tweets are about Jose's now ex-girlfriend Leila Shennib. It's still unclear what sparked the former bash brother-turned-snitch's tirade (roid rage anyone?) but apparently Leila said something over the phone that didn't sit well with the has been slugger.

My favorite moments from this twitter rant would have to be his "Oh bye the way" (complete and utter disregard for the English language) and the fact that in another tweet he gave out her real phone number AND insinuated that pot is her favorite drug*. Talk about maximizing your 140 characters to the fullest.

Luckily (for us) Canseco has showed no quit and is still ranting about his ex-beau today. Although the below tweets aren't as degrading/offensive as the ones he posted last night (which have since been removed, thank God for the print screen button) his new words of wisdom still make me laugh. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that he keeps his fingers typing tonight!



-fresh


*pot is not a drug

Friday, July 8, 2011

Just Beasley Being Beasley

(KARE 11) Capt. Scott Boerboom said that an officer stopped Beasley around 3 a.m. on June 26 on Interstate 394 after clocking him going 84 mph in a 65 mph zone. He said the officer smelled a strong odor of marijuana coming from the car. The officer allegedly found 16.2 grams of the drug in a plastic bag under the front passenger seat of Beasley’s car. Beasley told police the marijuana was not his, but belonged to a friend whom he had just dropped off.

Did Michael Beasley quit smoking after he accidentally tweeted a picture of his back tattoo that showed a baggie on the table? Nope. Did he quit after the scrutiny of his drug use led him to tweet suicidal thoughts? No way. Did he quit after spending over a month in a Houston rehab center in 2009? Negative. Did he quit after GM David Kahn announced after trading for him that Mike was “a very young and immature kid who smoked too much marijuana and has told me that he’s not smoking anymore, and I told him that I would trust him as long as that was the case”? Hell no. And I'm sure this most recent 16.2 gram bust won't slow him down either. Just Supercool Beas being Supercool Beas. The guy reminds me of Bluto in Animal House. Double secret probation and not an ounce of quit in him.





"Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor?"

-fresh (@danye33)

@Keytwitty, A Tweep You Should Follow

@Keytwitty talks planking, porn names and Tami Roman in this 2MW interview

Welcome to the 2 Man Weave's inaugural "A Tweep You Should Follow" segment. We will be interviewing non-celebrities who constantly make us laugh and entertain us on Twitter, so that you guys can get to experience the hilarity of their tweets. This week we have the very funny Keshon Akwesi Owusu Bediako from Cortland, New York. This interview took place over gchat.


danye: Hey what's up Keshon, I really appreciate you taking the time to do this interview. You ready?

keytwitty: Let's do this man. Pause
danye: Who are some of your favorite people to follow on Twitter?
keytwitty: @danye33 he drops knowlegde @ochocinco is comedy! Everybody in my dcs crew @illwill3 @jcam32 @bigfrank32 @veazy247 @ellzdagod! I like the pornstars out there that twitpic nasty pics. Oh and @TheRealMrJames hes my second favorite wrestler after ric flair.
danye: What exactly is a "U Boy"?
keytwitty: Well the u-boys is a crew of homies myself @illwill3 n @jcam32 that live a lifestyle similar to the miami hurricanes of the 80's n early 90's. We live fast, party hard , and make the ladies go wild whoooooooooooo.
danye: I see that you tweet quit often about Tami from Basketball Wives, what is it that you love about her?
keytwitty: Tami is amazing shes a grown ass women who drinks beer n smokes right in front of these high price heifers. I feel like u can take Tami anywhere and she will fit right in.
danye: Have you ever tweeted to her?
keytwitty: No i just found her on twitter on Tuesday! But I will twitter stalk her.
danye: Have your views on planking changed in the past week or so? I know initially you weren't a fan of the idea.
keytwitty: I still dont know if i want to plank yet! I think its funny n some r extreme but understanding that, that's the way slave had to stay for a 2 month tied down across the ocean still hurts my heart! But the past is the past I guess.
danye: Very good point, I dont think enough people have taken that into consideration with that whole craze. On a happier note- did you come up with the blue balls/blue walls analogy yourself?
keytwitty: Sadly I heard that a long time ago from my uncle bobby he said one night to his lady friend "im going to get u back n leave ur walls blues" but i was too young at the time to understand.
danye: Say that a super fast food restaurant has opened up. This restaurant is a combination of Wendys, McDonalds, Taco Bell and BK. All of the prices of the food are the same that they would be at their original stores. You have $10. How are you going to spend that money?
keytwitty: Amen now i only have to make one trip! I'm getting a small frostee thats 1.29, 2 taco 1 hard pasue n 1 soft pause thats 2 bucks, 1 double whopper with cheese no tomatos or onions thats 3 bucks and all the fries i can get from mcdeez.
danye: Well played.
danye: You've tweeted about the difference between "bitches" and "white bitches". Can you describe the latter?
keytwitty:I love white bitches they get fucked up when they go out clubbing, they cant dance smh, n they love getting cold taking down!
danye: Would you rather have someone "like" your Facebook status or RT you on Twitter?
keytwitty: ooo RT BC TWITTER IS REAL RAP RAW motherfucker got feels on facebook.danye: Did you ever find your crazy, naked, zeebra lady Uhmfufu from Africa?
keytwitty: Man u know I'm from Africa! Those wild African (plural name for female dog*) u can train n they will listen not like these America heifers. I think I might have a wife in Africa already I got to ask my mother.danye: What would your name be if you were A) a porn star or B) a 1990's WWF wrestler?
keytwitty a) jock st dickman b) the big belly monster
danye: What are your thoughts on the lockouts?
keytwitty The lockout is sad bc it hurts to see rich people fight over money! While the fans who live check to check to support their product r just left heartbroken! And life with no sports I don't even want to think about it.
danye: Tell me about the dream you had when Kevin Garnett sucker punched you in an ally?
keytwitty Well it was dark n I can't see anything! He hit me n screamed anything is possible!
danye: What song do you currently have on repeat?
keytwitty: I love that song 9 pieces BC I sell dope.
danye: Last question- why should people follow you (in 140 characters or less)?
keytwitty 
Hmmm BC I will sock u in the face n take ur girlfriend! Real rap raw



-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Deron Williams To Play In Turkey

(NYT) Deron Williams, the Net's star point guard and one of the N.B.A.'s premier players, has an agreement to play in Turkey during the lockout. The news of Williams’s agreement was first reported by a Turkish television station, NTV Spor, and later confirmed by ESPN.com.

For the past few weeks I've tried to play it cool when it came to the impending, and now current, N.B.A. lockout. Not really talking about it too much, coming up with generic, positive, answers whenever someone asked me what I thought about it. Surely there was no way the league would allow this to go as far as to miss games? Especially not after they just came off their most intriguing season since the Jordan era.

But with news today of Net's star point guard Deron Williams signing with the Besiktas, the same Turkish team that briefly employed Allen Iverson last year, the prospect of basketball next season appears more and more bleak.

With Williams agreement to play overseas (a contract that he can get out of, should the N.B.A. resume play at any point next season) we may see a mass exodus to the other side of the pond from some our our nation's biggest stars. Zaza Pachulia (granted he's not a "star") has already agreed to play for Besiktas and coach Ergin Ataman said he is going to reach out to Kobe Bryant as well (fat chance).

Regardless of if Deron Williams ever suits up for Turkey (their season starts Sept. 27) the league has already lost a great deal of credibility and respect from the fans. Nets fans (be they few and far between) shouldn't have to go through the agony of watching the guy who was brought in to resurrect their franchise, playing in a foreign country, entertaining their fans, and risking injury night in and night out.

This could be a big story, or it could be a non story. It all depends on just how stubborn/reasonable a few men chose to be. It's my hope that the next time I write about the lockout, it's me breaking down the new deal, explaining how the new collective bargaining agreement plays out.

Regardless though, it will always sting a little bit seeing American players leave American soil to play the American game elsewhere.

-fresh

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Not A "G.O.O.D." Desicion


I recently rediscovered Kanye West's "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" album on iPod and have played it on heavy rotation ever since. This album goes 10 bumpable tracks deep (out of 13, roughly 77%) and it is far and away Ye's most diverse/technical/"artsy"/rawest disc to date.

Songs like "Gorgeous", "Hell of a Life" and "So Appalled" hit hard like the Chi-town wind on a winter's night, reminiscent of early days Nas or Wu-Tang Clan songs.

Moving forward, Kanye hits a home run with his 9+ minute, anti-love ballad "Runaway" (Rolling Stone's 2010 Song of the Year). A song in which he boasts about sexting ("She found pictures in my e-mail, I sent this bitch a picture of my dick"), introduces Pusha T to the common rap fan, and offers up a "toast to the douchebags". All the while masterfully taking control of the keyboard for extended instrumental solos and beautifully utilizing static auto-tuned samples.

"Blame Game" takes a unique look at relationships from the (cheating/cheated) male perspective, allowing us insight to Kanye's kaleidoscope of dysfunction. And it's only after Chris Rock comes in to close out the song with 2 minutes of humor (and "Yeezy taught me's") that we can finally exhale.

MBDTF by no means lacks the typical Kanye hits that we've grown accustomed to over the years. "Monster", "Dark Fantasy", "Devil in a New Dress" and "All of the Lights" are all fast paced, positive, radio hits that drive up sales and make for great "easy" listening. His flow on "Dark Fantasy" in particular is so intoxicating that at times I find myself getting mad at West for not rapping this way more often. Constantly leaving his fans wanting more, Business 101.

Of the aforementioned 10 songs, the only one I've yet to touch on is "Power". Which coincidentally happens to be the first single he released from MBDTF last summer. That's because to me, it has always been the most polarizing song to get a feel for on the album. I like the message it delivers, that "no one man should have all that power" and the beat, but I still have a few qualms with the song as a whole. For starters, it's very preachy. I could definitely go without the church-like clapping, and whereas Runaway hits with the late-in-the-song autotune, Power clearly misses. The lyrics don't wow me over either with the exception of a couple quick hitting, two-liners, early on ("I don't need your pussy bitch, I'm on my own dick").

This made it all the more frusterating for me last week when I discovered the "Power Remix" feat. Jay-Z, off of last summer's "G.O.O.D. Fridays" collection (a weekly free music giveaway Kanye started last August). Now I know I'm clearly behind the eightball on this one, but it's an atrocity that Kanye chose to release this song on his website and not as a part of MBDTF. The remix features a nice opening verse from Hova ("Life is a trip, so sometimes, we gon’ stumble") before Kanye goes absolutely bananas for the next four minutes. During that strech he goes H.A.M. (is that Kosher?) while rapping in Islam, then jumps on Snap's "I've Got The Power" beat and runs for about 80 bars with no break or chorus.

"I'm 'bout to hit that Jeff Gordon,
Michael Jordan, the only one more important,
But I be feelin' like Jordan when I'm recordin'
'Cause every time I record, I dunk to slap the boarrrds.
I don't know what these rappers gon' do afterwarrrds,
Prolly spaz like I might do at the awarrrds.
Huh, I got the whole crowd goin' crazy,
Homie, I should be rewarded.
Gettin' money, Yeezy, Yeezy, how you do it, huh?
Eatin' Wheaties, drinkin' Fiji, bein' greedy, huh?
Don't even think you can allude to the rumors,
I'm immune to the boo's,
I'm a prude to you losers.
It's all in time, my nigga,
See I dreamed my whole life that I could rhyme with Jigga"



At the very least Kanye could have done what he did with "Diamonds (From Sierra Leone)" on 2005's Late Registration where he featured his solo version of the song and then added the Jay-Z remix (I had to get off the boat so I could walk on water) as a bonus cut. I just think that would have been the smarter play, exposing more people to the genius that is the "Power Remix."


But then again there is a reason why Kanye's pajama rich, so maybe I shouldn't question his beautiful dark twisted mind.






-fresh

Friday, July 1, 2011

Happy 4th of July You Savages!!

USA! USA! USA!


Happy Holidays from the 2 Man Weave! I'm off to Martha's Vineyard for the long weekend but will be back bringing the fire on Monday. I highly encourage everyone to do as I would and eat unhealthy amounts of hot dogs, drink Budweiser and set off fireworks near wooded areas!






-fresh

Grandma Goes H.A.M. Over Bacon

(Fox 29 Philly) Fox 29 talked to witnesses in Delaware County who saw a 9-year-old boy allegedly beaten by his own grandmother for eating too much bacon. Police say the victim apparently ate more bacon than anyone else at breakfast and didn't leave enough for others. “She had him by the neck. Seemed to me that she was shoving his head into the wall,” Musumeci said. Young children and adults in the neighborhood reported seeing the woman kneeling on the little boy, punching and slapping him and at one point, squirting a hose at full force in his face. She faces multiple charges, including endangering the welfare of children and simple assault. On Thursday, she remains behind bars, unable to post bail, according to the Delaware County prison website. She has a hearing on July 7.

Now I'm not one to defend child abuse, but in this case I think little man got what he had coming to him. Everyone knows that bacon is the hottest of commodities at family breakfasts. More times than not it's the only form of meat at the table.

Much like the other great unspoken rules that we have established in this country such as no touching at the strip club, don't point/laugh at morbidly obese people (*if they're looking at you) and to always pass the dutchie to the left hand side, the breakfast table has its own Bill of Rights. A pecking order if you will, stipulating who gets first dibs on what, same goes for seconds.

The order goes as follows:

Poppa Dukes- Dad is the guy who literally and figuratively "brings home the bacon". Translation- He eats what he wants, when he wants and as much as he wants.

The elders- Grandma/Grandpa etc. Anyone over 60+ at the table. Look, when you've made it that far, every meal is cause for celebration, so bust out that rocker and get to the front of the line!

Mom- Despite usually being the one selflessly serving the dish to the family, in a perfect world she should be chowing down before anyone.

Kids (ages 12-25, in order of heaviest to lightest)- Big boys (and girls) gotta eat, and regardless of if your 15 or 25, when those unconsumed calories are staring you in the face, mocking you from the frying pan, it can be a little hard to obey the rules. This is the age group that also tends to overstock their plate the first time around for fear that seconds might be sparse.

Kids under 12- Nobody cares about you. You're going to outlive us all anyway, and when that happens then it will be your time to get seconds.

So I don't blame Grandmama for going all Chris Brown on her grandson. Typical greedy kids with their instant gratification just chowing down on all the piggy and not leaving anything left for the rest of the family. Grandma, being the head of the household, took the burdon upon herself to regulate. I pictue it going down something like this, only about 100x more violent.

Is it just me or do you see this story somehow finding it's way into the script for the next "Big Momma's House" movie?

-fresh (@danye33)