Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Hova Pays Homage To Slayed Pace University Football Player

"This is to the memory of Danroy Henry, Too much enemy fire to catch a friendly. Strays from the same shade, Nigga we on the same team. Giving you respect, I expect the same thing"

-Jay- Z

Ever since I got my hands on Jay-Z and Kanye West's new collaboration, "Watch The Throne", I haven't been able to hit the play button on my ipod without this album flowing through my ear buds. But this CD is not your typical Hova/Yeezy outing. What it lacks in flashy, radio friendly singles and catchy hooks, it more than makes up for with gritty truth and a social consciousness that would make Public Enemy proud.

In no song is this more evident than in "Murder to Excellence", an eye opening look at all of the violence surrounding our youth in this very country. Jay-Z dedicated this song to Danroy Henry, the Pace University football player who was shot and killed by Pleasantville Police officer Aaron Hess, in the aftermath of a drunken brawl outside of a local bar. This story hit especially close to home for me because the incident took place in my hometown. Many people had mixed emotions on who was in the wrong that night, but I stand by my belief that I don't think that you should ever shoot an unarmed, unviolent man. However, the police union of Westchester seemed to disagree with me, and threw some extra salt in wound by awarding Hess the "Officer of the Year" award shortly after the murder shooting.

Listening to Jay-Z say Danroy's name gives me chills each and every time I hear it. Maybe it's because I never imagined this case would get this much national attention, so hearing it on being discussed on my ipod is almost surreal to me. Or maybe it's because Jay-Z, a person who I both admire and look up, made me proud to be his fan.

-fresh

Raider's Ban Pryor From Wearing Jamarcus Russell's Old Number

(SI) Pryor, who is 6-foot-6, was wearing No. 6. Not the No. 2 jersey he wore at Ohio State. "Coach won't let me wear No. 2," he told a throng of reporters after practice. "Why? I don't know. You tell me. I'm just going off what coach tells me." Here's the answer to why coach Hue Jackson has good reason not to let Pryor anywhere near the No. 2 jersey. The last Raider to wear No. 2 was JaMarcus Russell. And the Raiders don't need any visible markers that put Pryor and their biggest quarterback bust in history in the same category.

I'm gonna go right ahead and play Devils Advocate with this one because on the one hand you can't even argue that Jamarcus wasn't far and away the biggest draft bust of all time. The guy went #1 overall in the '07 Draft and finished his career with 18 TD's, 23 picks, 22 fumbles and a 7-18 record as a starter. Throw in the $32 million in guaranteed greenbacks and the Codeine Syrup arrest of 2010 and this guys face has already been securely chiseled into the Mount Rushmore of N.F.L. draft busts. Other faces on this edition of Rushmore- Ryan Leaf, Akili Smith and Matt Leinart. So you can't knock Hue Jackson for making it so that Raiders fans, management and players NEVER have to see that silver #2 under center again.



But on the other hand it's kind of like a backhanded retirement of Russell's jersey, no? By doing this your basically saying we don't want anyone else wearing his jersey number and isn't that what every player strives to achieve anyway? I know in this case his number isn't being honored because of all the greatness and leadership he brought to Oakland, but they're treating the number the same way the Bulls treated Michael Jordan's #23, by not letting anyone else wear it. By not allowing Pryor to wear his #2 jersey it just furthermore prolongs Jamarcus's legacy with the team. Why not let Terrelle wear #2 and try to do something positive with it? Nothing would make fans forget about Jamarcus faster than seeing Pryor come in, steal the job from Jason Campbell, excel and reinvent the ol' number deuce for Raider nation.

Yea, I can't see that happening either.

-fresh

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

An Open Essay To All Fantasy Football Owners- Let's Start Making Some Moves!


I've written openly before about my devout love for fantasy football. The perfect intertwining of gambling and the most beautiful game on the planet is unrivaled. But if I had to pick out one flaw from the game I love so much, it would have to be the lack of trades that occur between unemployed 20 somethings owners during the season. I have a few theories on why this trend has continued, and possible solutions to fix it. To start let us break down the two types of fantasy owners in every league.

The Hype Men- These are the guys (and girls) who hang over every word from their favorite Fantasy Football preview magazines. They watch every single fantasy segment on ESPN and partake in countless mock drafts to get a feel for "how high Felix Jones is going to go". "Upside", "Break though" and "Potential" are words that these owners routinely throw around to defend their picks come draft day. The gamblers who live and die from the rush they get from picking a "high risk, high reward" guy like Reggie Bush. These are the Hype Men.

The Old Faithfuls- To be blunt, these are the guys who still draft Reggie Wayne in the first round. These guys are all about past accomplishments and last season's numbers. This is the same group of owners who in 2010 neglected to take into consideration the fact that maybe, just maybe, Larry Fitzgerald's production level would drop when you switched his quarterback from Kurt Warner to Derek Anderson. More often than not they pay less attention to new systems, coaches and personnel that gets implemented to a player's team, and just expect that they will miraculously put up the same numbers they did last year. These are the Old Faithfuls.

Now the reason that many trades don't materialize comes down to the varying perceptions that each owner has of the players being discussed. You have one side over valuing a guy like BenJarvis Green-Ellis because he had 13 touchdowns last year and on the other side you have a guy handcuffing Dez Bryant (Dallas' 4th option) because Street & Smith's Fantasy Football magazine predicts a pro bowl season from the second year wide out.

Another monkey wrench that stagnates potential deals is owners who put too much stock into what round a player got drafted in. For example if you took a guy in the 6th round (ex. Santonio Holmes) and someone offers you a package revolving around a guy they took in the 8th round (ex. Anquan Bolden) the initial instinct is to reject the trade because you view a 6th round player as more valuable than an 8th rounder, which is not always the case. An owner will completely disregard the other players packaged in the deal and risk putting their own teams depth issues on the back burner, simply because they don't want to "trade down" with a player that they drafted too high.



And lastly, the biggest reason why some deals never get done is because one side comes on way too strong. Look, since there is no cap room in (most) fantasy leagues, the only reason one would make a trade for a player is because they think that that player will help win them a championship that year. This truth scares the owner that you are approaching. "What? You want Hakeem Nicks? But why? Surely you know something I don't. No, I will not make that trade with you and furthermore Nicks is now untradeable" Making a trade in fantasy is a lot (but not entirely) like bedding a women. You never want to come on too strong, or rapey. It's a turn off and human nature rejects your advances. However, if you wine and dine, spit some smooth game, and have intelligent conversations about your motives for acquiring a player, your chance of pulling off the deal increases tenfold.

So as summer turns to fall, and the thermometer starts to drop, I advise all owners out there to take some chances and shake up that roster. After all, fantasy football is a gamble so get online and roll the dice (possibly for Ray Rice?). It'll give you another thing to obsess and debate over internally for hours and hours on end while you sit and impatiently wait for Sunday.

-fresh

Toss Up! Who’s in Worse Shape: Barack Obama’s Uncle or Anthony Stewart?

Ok so a couple crazy stories hitting the streets (internet) this past week. First we have Anthony Stewart, the 15 year old teen from Syracuse who robbed a 73 year old man at (BB) gun point for seven cents and landed himself in juvie for the next 2-6 years. On the other hand we have Onyango Obama, Barack’s uncle who copped a DUI and is now facing a potential deportation. Let’s go to the tale of the tape for which guy is in worse shape.

Let me start off by saying Anthony Stewart might be the worst criminal of all time. His planning and execution were terrible, and his trial and sentencing probably worse. If you’re going to rob someone it’s got to be worth it. Seven cents bro? Your target had SEVEN CENTS on him? What can you honestly buy with seven cents? Possibly one of those tiny ass Bazooka Joe gums but even that may have inflated to a dime these days. Gotta go big or go home. I mean Anthony- don’t you know that you don’t even have to rob someone to get seven cents? Check inside some couches you’ll find that kind of silver. Yet somehow you get caught, watched your boy snitch, got found guilty, and now you’re serving 2-6 in juvie all over seven cents. When you get out of jail, I suggest you find another line of work and leave the big scores to Danny Ocean.

Next we have Onyango Obama. You know when you get real drunk and do something you regret like piss the bed or make out with a fat chick and then you wake up the next morning and realize what you did? That’s exactly what Onyango is going through now. You know the President went to him and basically told him don’t fuck up and keep clean cause elections are coming up and nobody will ever question the fact you’re here illegally. So what did Onyango do? Rack up a nice BAC of .14 and get pulled over. Probably on his way to get his dick wet at the nearby assisted living facility but instead went all Jim Jones swervin’ and now landed himself in the public eye worse than Mike Donnelly in Black Sheep. I mean Onyango, pull it together bro. We can’t have the Presidents uncle racking DWI’s like he’s Kiefer Sutherland. At least not in an election year.

So who’s in worse shape? I have to admit at the outset of this blog I thought it was going to be a much closer Toss Up. Much like the 1992 NCAA Championship when the Fab Five went up against the Blue Devils. Expecting a great game and it ends with a twenty point blowout. I mean I was 3 at the time but even I was shocked. Same outcome here. Anthony Stewart is running victory laps around Onyango Obama. Anybody sitting in prison (juvie or not) for up to six years for stealing seven cents is probably having a worse day than Obama’s uncle catching a DWI. Cause if he really is in the Barack clan they’ll take care of him, be it formally or through back channels. That’s what family is for.


-Bacon

#guestblog

Monday, August 29, 2011

Javaris Crittenton Brings New Meaning To The Term "Shooting" Guard

(ESPN) ATLANTA -- Javaris Crittenton, the former NBA player once suspended by the league for bringing a gun into the Washington Wizards' locker room, has been charged with murder in the shooting of a woman on an Atlanta street. Police have secured a murder warrant for the arrest of Crittenton in connection with the shooting death of 22-year-old Jullian Jones on Aug. 19. Jones, a mother of four, was walking with a group of people on the city's southwest side when she was shot by someone inside a dark-colored SUV, police said. Investigators say they don't believe the woman was the intended target. Campos said the motive appears to be retaliation for a robbery in April, in which Crittenton was a victim.

Thatta boy Javaris! Way to step out from the shadows and make a name for yourself! From now on you will no longer be known as "the other player" in that Gilbert Arenas locker room gun standoff of '09. Sure you jumped into the kiddie pool head first with a first degree murder charge, but still, at least your on the radar now. But if there's one thing I would have advised young Javaris on beforehand, it would have been to go to the old shooting range before you start painting the town red. The guy's a lifetime 44% shooter from the field, but 0% when it comes to hitting his targets with the heater. For shame.

-fresh

Friday, August 26, 2011

Come On Irene!!



I was originally going to title this post "Me, Myself and Irene" but I felt like that would come off sounding a tiny bit too much like a euphemism for masturbation. Not sure if my current choice was much better, but oh well. Anyways New York City is in full on state-of-emergancy mode. For the first time ever parts of Manhattan are having mandatory evacuations and the Dave Matthews Band Caravan that was scheduled for Governor's Island this weekend has been postponed. Hell, my company has even gone as far as to put up weekend employees in Times Square hotels just so they can get to work. Just a complete wash of a weekend if I've ever seen one. Everyone better load up on Beers and Cheeto's cause this sucker might get ugly.

-fresh

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Plot For JT's New Movie Is Fucking Awesome



Alright Dick in a box, here's your chance. No more Emile Hirsch. No more Jesse Eisenberg. And no I'm not counting Friends With Benefits. "In Time" IS JT's time to breakout as the leading man in a hit movie. The whole premise for this film blows me away. Below is the plot from its wiki page.

In a retro-future when the aging gene has been switched off, people must pay to stay alive. People stop aging at 25 years old. However, stamped on their arm is a clock of how long they will live. To avoid overpopulation, time has become the currency and the way people pay for luxuries and necessities. The rich can live forever, while the rest try to negotiate for their immortality.

Let me reiterate that for you. NO ONE AGES ABOVE 25 YEARS OLD! This leads to a great encounter in the preview where a guy introduces his mother, wife and daughter to JT, and all three of them are certified dime pieces. Could you image living in a world where no one gets ugly? Where chicks stay at the top of their games for all of eternity? Every girl becomes a milf. Forever. I just caught rock from even thinking about it.

Now I guess the drama occurs in the movie when a poor young man (Timberlake) is accused of murder after inheriting a fortune of time from a wealthy upper class man who apparently killed himself (or did he?). After he inherits his new found time, he goes around distributing that wealth to other poor people who are about to "run out of time", not unlike a futuristic Robin Hood. Even if this movie ends up being a let down (something I can't see happening), its still guaranteed to have some great chase scenes, sex scenes and futuristic gadget scenes. Hell, it may even have some Future Sex Love Sounds!


You've officially been warned.



-fresh

Fantasy Football Talk With Gary McClune- QB Edition

2 Man Weave Fantasy Football Quarterback Rankings

1. Aaron Rodgers 2. Michael Vick 3. Philip Rivers 4. Tom Brady 5. Drew Brees 6. Peyton Manning 7. Tony Romo 8. Matt Schaub 9. Matt Ryan 10. Josh Freeman 11. Ben Roethlisberger 12. Eli Manning 13. Matt Stafford 14. Joe Flacco 15. Sam Bradford 16. Kevin Kolb 17. Jay Cutler 18. Ryan Fitzpatrick 19. Matt Cassel 20. Donovan McNabb 21. Kyle Orton 22. David Garrard 23. Cam Newton 24. Mark Sanchez 25. Matt Hasselbeck 26. John Beck 27. Colt McCoy 28. Alex Smith 29. Chad Henne 30. Jason Campbell


Q. Who is your breakout Fantasy Football Quarterback this season?

A. I'd have to lean towards Josh Freeman here. You could argue that he had his "breakout" season last year, but this is the year he legitimizes himself as a solid QB1 in 12 teamers. He certainly has a chance to sneak inside the top-10, ahead of guys like Big Ben, Eli, and Matt Ryan. Only statistical category where you should expect a bit of regression is interceptions (only 6 in '10). Pencil him in for 3,650 yards, 23 passing TDs, 400 yards rushing and maybe this is the year he finds the end zone via the ground two or three times.

Q. Which old time favorite should owners shy away from this season?

A. I think the only appropriate answer here is Peyton Manning. Colts owner Jim Irsay has (loudly) voiced his concern over Number 18's availability for week one, going so far as signing Kerry Collins as an insurance policy. One has to assume it will take a few weeks for him and the offense to click, even if he is under center from the start. I've got him ranked as my number 6 QB, though it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest to see him finish lower. I recently snagged him in the 7th round of a 10-team mock, so his stock is at an all-time low. If you get him at a crazy value, grab him. Just be safe and back him up with a high-end QB2 like Flacco or little brother Eli.

Q. Fitzpatrick over some proven vets like Cassel, McNabb and Orton. Explain?

A. 1) Cassel is without Charlie Weis, and I don't think it's too late to label Jon Baldwin a bust. 2) Last I checked, there was still a guy named Adrian Peterson in Minnesota, and Sidney Rice bolted for Seattle. 3) Josh McDaniels has been replace with John "run it again" Fox. I love me some Ryan Fitzpatrick. In the 13 games he started last year, he was 10th in fantasy PPG, with a decent TD/INT ratio. In case you haven't noticed, the Bills are not a very good football team, and will be playing from behind more often then not, which results in a ton of passes. I'm also of the party that believes losing Lee Evans doesn't hurt the passing game a whole lot (Hint: I like Roscoe Parrish as a deep sleeper). 3,500, 25/17 wouldn't shock me, and don't forget he can run, sneakily finishing with 250 and a score.

Gary will be back later in the week to discuss RB, WR and TE's. You can listen to Gary on his weekly podcast "I Ain't Even Mad" on itunes, or by clicking here

-fresh

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Naked 23 Year Old Goes On Stabbing Spree In Washington Heights

(NY Post) A naked, knife-wielding madman went on a bloody rampage in his Washington Heights apartment building yesterday, fatally stabbing one elderly resident and knifing three others before wounding himself, authorities said. The savage attacks began at about 4:10 p.m. when Christian Falero, 23, allegedly started knocking on doors and stabbed anyone who answered. A neighbor, Maurice Samuels, 31, said Falero was screaming incoherently. "This guy was yelling, 'If not 666, it's 777! Kill me, please! Do me a favor, kill me, please!' " Samuels said. Cops grabbed the deranged, bloody suspect within minutes. He was in stable condition last night. Charges were pending.

Talk about upping the ante for ding-dong-ditch huh? Back in the day we used to ring our neighbors doorbells and before the buzzer stopped I would be halfway down the street moving as fast as my size 12 Reebok Questions would take me. Completely terrified of getting caught.

But not Christian Falero. That guy just throws on the old birthday suite, starts knocking away and next thing you know he's in full on Michael Meyers mode. Straight slashing and gashing like the killer in Scary Movie.

You have to feel bad for the victim here. Could you imagine making it to your 80's and then going out like this? Your childhood years were spent in the cross hairs of the great depression and WWII for god's sake. Dude was probably tougher than nails, just your typical gritty, hard working New Yorker. He hears a knock at the door and probably thought it was his latest Viagra shipment but nope, just it's your naked, knife wielding, psychopathic neighbor coming to kill you. Just like Lloyd Christmas said*, "Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat."

-fresh

* Okay so that quote doesn't 100% match what happened with this story, but you get the point

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The One Where We Break Down Ke$ha Lyrics: "Tic Tok" Edition



Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
Is she implying she smoked a Jeffrey last night?
Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack

Well that seems a tad counterproductive now, doesn't it?
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back
Pre-emptive, premarital sex! Now we're talkin'!

I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
I think Ke$ha suffers from Palilalia
Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs
What? Your drop-top doesn't have an AUX plug?
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy

Something tells me that mission will be accomplished

Don't stop, make it pop
She's talking about a can of Pringles, right?
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight

A fight til the sun comes up? That would break James Kelly and Jack Smith's record for longest fisticuffs, 6 hours and 15 minutes from their bout in Melbourne, Australia, on October 19, 1856.

Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no
Yes Ke$ha, unlike basketball games, election polls, and high school classes, the end of a party is not dictated by time. The ending of a party typically occurs when the host decides to call it a night, or whenever they run out of beer.

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer

I'm pretty sure that's the exact motto the Hoff was living by in this video.
Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here
Just goes to show how easy pretty girls have it. Hot chicks=free drinks
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
I fully blame M.I.A. for the abundant rebirth of this stupid word. We need to just retire it already, especially because no one seems to totally grasp what it even means. Is it tangible? Is it a feeling, or an aura that is giving off by your coolness? Regardless, I hate swagger.
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

Biggest pet peeve of the last two years for me hands down is Mick Jagger's name popping up non-stop in shitty pop songs. First take the above lyric for example. If any decent looking girl in their 20's was approached by a man who looks like this outside of a club, they would instinctively walk away without giving him the time of day. Ke$ha doesn't specify Jagger '68 or Jagger current day, so I'm left to conclude that the only reason why this line exists is because it happens to rhyme with another word that I hate, "Swagger". This infuriates me to no end. Moving forward, Maroon 5 currently has an abortion of a song out called "Moves Like Jagger". Watch the video if you feel like purging. It features a a CGI Mick shaking his hips while the word "Swagger" appears in bubble letters in the background. WHEN WILL IT END!!!!!

I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Does "crunk, crunk" mean they're all double fisting?
Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk

So what's the deal Ke$h? You giving it up or what?
Gonna smack him if he's getting too drunk, drunk
Wasn't that tonight's objective? Also, love that fact that she's "Gonna smack him if he's getting too drunk", but not for touching her junk? Classy!

Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down

Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us -

FUCK THE POLICE!

(repeat chorus roughly 6 more times)


-fresh

Monday, August 22, 2011

Lil Wayne Gets 9 Stiches After Skateboad Accident


(E!) Lil Wayne was rushed to the emergency room in St. Louis last night after falling off his skateboard and bumping his head. The platinum-selling rapper was admitted to DePaul Health Center with a nasty cut on his forehead after wiping out at a skateboarding park near the Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, where he had just finished giving a concert. Fans will be happy to hear however that Lil Wayne is doing fine.

Hey Lil Tunechi- have you ever heard of the phrase "stay your lane"? Well it applies to you too. Seriously the hipster of hip-hop has gone too far this time. You've achieved unparalleled levels of fame because you rapped about pussy, money and weed. Now you've traded in your doo-rags, fitted caps and gold chains for a pair of skinny pants and some Vans. Fifty got shot 9 times, and you got 9 stitches while getting your post-concert Tony Hawk on.

In my opinion, Wayne peaked in the spring of 2008. His Drought 3 mixtape had elevated him to the top of the rap food chain and the hype surrounding The Carter III remains unmatched even to this day. Since then he's put out a crappy autotuned rock cd, spent a year in the pen and the rest of the time getting rich(er) off of Drake and Nicki Minaj. Weezy is the only rapper I know whose image got softer after leaving jail. So please, for the sake of us true rap fans out there, stop trying to be Pharrel and go back to being the #1 Stunna.


what, what, what, what?


-fresh

So Is This What It Feels Like To See Your Ex-Wife Make Out With Her New Boyfriend?



Not saying that Plax and I ever consummated, or that catching a pre-season touchdown pass is the same thing as making out, but if last nights performance by Burress is a sign of things to come this year then it's going to be a longggg season for us Giants fans. This guy caught the game winning touchdown pass in the Super Bowl for Big Blue just 3 and a half years ago, now he's catching perfect fade route passes from the Dirty Sanchize. Makes me physically ill. The lone bright spot is that I have him on my fantasy team so at least I'll be able to somewhat enjoy his continued success, while a little part of me dies more and more inside with each cross of the pylon.

-fresh

Everything in Moderation: A Guide to the Summer Music Festival


Summer is a time of the year that represents freedom. The teachers pack up their school supplies and get out their serving treys and aprons, everyone in corporate America continues on with their regular schedule and sneaks off to their summer houses on weekends, and college students get four whole months to take off from their stressful lives that consist of drinking, recreational drug use, unprotected intercourse with complete strangers, and achieving consecutive semesters on the dean’s list from finding a way to cheat on every exam. With that being said, the summer season is a time for these adolescents morphing into maturity to experiment and essentially find their “yin and yang.” What better place to find this sense of self, than at a music festival.

In our generation, technology has taken everything that was once cool and original, and exploited the idea to the point where there are 8,000 clones of the original idea expressed in slightly different ways. In 1969, a team of investors and promoters came up with the most original and famous music and arts festival of all time (I forgot what it was called, but I think the name was derived from a species of yellow bird that can be seen in the Charlie Brown cartoons). In 2011, in the summer alone, there is hundreds of music and art festivals, varying in size, location, and genre, that are musically making it rain all over the globe. That is why I am sitting here, on the toilet bowl, typing this article for the 2manweave, for all of you: to narrow down this spectrum of sounds and get you to where you need to be.

Attending a music festival is eerily similar to running the New York City Marathon. The only difference is, instead of training relentlessly for months to prepare your mind, body, and soul for the 26.2 mile race of a lifetime, you are spending 4 days on a large plot of land listening to endless tunes, taking an unhealthy and experimental dose of hallucinogens, uppers, and downers, all while walking around barefoot and not bathing for an extended period of time. Remember that feeling you get when you meet a really pretty girl, and you get lucky with that girl, and all seems to be going well until you get a glance at the forbidden fruit and before you know it, you look like “Jim” in American Pie when he blew his chance with Nadia? It’s a marathon, not a sprint, guys. Make sure that when dealing with the temptations of drugs, alcohol, and half-naked-hippies shuffling around, you realize you are at this musical wonderland for 4 days and the last thing you want to do is prematurely pluck a string and be left with your equipment out of tune.

With that being said, experimentation is exciting and a natural part of life. Scientists perform them to gain knowledge and college women perform them
to find out that they aren’t lesbians, they’re just intoxicated. Festival-goers perform similar experiments with drugs. The main thing to realize here is that it is okay to try things. Taking one tab of LSD probably isn’t going to kill you, or turn you into a skitzo. Although that may be true; taking one tab of LSD, 13 mushroom caps, 4 ecstasy pills, 6 lines of cocaine, 48 whip-its, 6 bong rips, and drinking 15 beers might do the trick. It is easy to get overwhelmed at a place like this, with all of these party supplies being overly accessible and readily available, but it is important to use your head. Although the gazelle theory does come into play in a situation like this (drug use will kill only the weakest brain cells, leaving the strong one’s to survive), don’t go overboard, become a poacher, and be responsible for the extinction of the species.

For those of you reading this passage, I understand there is an immense amount of information to consume, so just remember the phrase: Everything in Moderation. Gandhi took that phrase to the extreme and Tiger Woods apparently has never heard that phrase before, but I am confident that you all will take my advice and have a happy festival. God speed.



Exhibit A of how not to behave while tripping balls

-Old Blind Bob

#guestblog

Friday, August 19, 2011

A-Hole Bookseller Stays In Same Parking Spot For 11 Years

(NY Post) Eleven years ago, Charles Mysak snagged a primo parking spot on the corner of Columbus Avenue and 68th Street -- and he hasn't budged since. The sidewalk bookseller keeps his inventory piled up in the beat up green '94 Civic, held partially together with duct tape, and feeds the meter $36 a day -- in quarters -- to hold on to the spot. Traffic agents paper him with parking tickets for overstaying his welcome, and he's even been towed once or twice, but the defiant Mysak, 60, continues to hold on to the spot he first claimed during the Clinton administration. His wife drives him to the Upper West Side each morning a 7:00 am from their Wayne, NJ, home. Formerly a lawyer, the Shakespeare-quoting vendor began selling used books on his folding table at the corner after getting convicted of stealing from his clients and disbarred.

At first I had Charlie's back with this one. We all know how much of a nightmare getting a spot in the city can be. In fact, I'd say driving into Manhattan and trying to find a non-lot spot is the 5th scariest thing in the world behind AIDS tests, pregnancy tests, public restrooms and snakes so I can't knock the guy for holding down some primo real estate. But then I found out that his wife drives him every morning from Wayne, NJ at 7 a.m., shells out $36 in quarters and peddles second hand books for 12 hours a day all for a net pay of $100? That just doesn't seem like a savvy business move to me.

For starters you're getting literally zero use out of your car. Thing hasn't moved since "Livin La Vida Loca" was at the top of the charts. Then you factor in gas, bridge tolls and having to spend an hour+ in traffic with your wife each day and that right there is enough to make me consider a new career path. Also, who is his clientele? Everyone who lives in that neighborhood has money out the ass and made the jump over to Team Kindle years ago, so I don't think anyone is knocking down his (car) door to get their hands on a greasy copy of "Oliver Twist".

I can't get enough of the fact that this hippie is a disbarred lawyer turned book vendor. Talk about a fall from grace. Cast Jason Segel in this guys life story and Apatow turns it into gold. Write it down.

-fresh

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Is This Real Life?



Do you guys remember Vinny's creepy, douchey, uncle Nino who has made a few guest appearences on the "Jersey Hills" (starting now this is the only way I will ever refer to that show) each season? You know the guy who got a few cheap laughs by dropping their cringe-worthy catch phrases like "smush" and "grenade" and hopped right into the hot tub next to Snookie? Well somehow that asshole has found a way to turn that into a schtick. The guy has almost 40 THOUSAND twitter followers and his bio reads "To have the “Original Guido” Uncle Nino at your next event contact AlfonseTornabene@yahoo.com". Like how is this even possible? Who in their right mind would book the creepy uncle of some tool reality television star for anything? What talents does this jackoff actually have? I could see him just showing up with a couple bottles of Strega, fisting pumping and hitting on your mother. Why anyone would let this man into their homes is beyond me. Total fake life shit.

Georgetown's Exhibition Game In China Looked Like Fun


So apparently Georgetown's Men's Basketball team had an exhibition game Thursday night (their time) in China against the Bayi Rockets. From a first person account (which you can read here) I gathered that from the get go the refs had had it out for the Hoyas. After three quarters the Rockets had taken close to 50 FT's and at one point a Bayi player almost took a swing a JT3. Despite the horrific officiating the game was tied 64-64 with 9 minutes to play when a Rocket player who was trapping in the backcourt hit a Georgetown player to the ground long after he had passed the ball. Chaos ensued, and fans quickly joined in on the fight by throwing chairs, bottles and other objects on the court to add to the slugfest. From the pics below it doesn't even look like a contest though. Yi just got his whole world completely shattered. Somebody do me a favor and cue up the Lee Greenwood!



U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!






photo's courtesy of Sina.com





-fresh

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Hurricane Shapiro Hits Miami

(ESPN) Nevin Shapiro, a former Miami booster who is serving a 20-year prison sentence for masterminding a $930 million Ponzi scheme, has told Yahoo! Sports he provided impermissible benefits to 72 of the university's football players and other athletes between 2002 and 2010. Shapiro said he gave money, cars, yacht trips, jewelry, televisions and other gifts. He also claimed he paid for nightclub outings, sex parties, restaurant meals and in one case, an abortion for a woman impregnated by a player.


Seriously is anybody actually surprised that some sort of violation was occurring at the U? I mean it’s happening everywhere nowadays. You can’t play by the books when it comes to trying to recruit blue chippers, especially not when you’re in the ACC and the SEC and Big 12 schools are breathing down your neck. The recruiting battles down there are tighter than your little sister, so like any well respected collegiate institution does, they provided “impermissible benefits”.

That being said Miami U. definitely takes the cake as far as benefits go. The boys up in Columbus get free tattoos while the boys in South Beach get yachts, strippers, cocaine, and abortions. That’s a bonafide mismatch right there. Seriously, how has Miami not been killing it lately? Their roster should be filled with All-Americans. I mean when you dangle all those things in front of a high school senior they should bite. For me it would be a no-brainer.

Recruit: “Well you know coach I’m not really sold yet I mean I like the athletic facilities but the other schools are offering better facilities, discount tatoos and a free car rental.”

Miami: “Well you know our friend Mr. Shapiro is holding a sex party on his yacht tomorrow. You should come check it out. Strippers, booze, cocaine buffet, what do you say?”

I guess at that point I’m taking the Blue Mountain State route. Just sitting praying I stay number two on the depth chart for at least a year or begging for a redshirt season. Straight up cruising in the Florida keys, boozing it up, getting lap dances while I sit on my rich boosters yacht all day soaking up the Miami sun. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

And one more thing- Shapiro only had to repay upwards of $82 million from his $930 million ponzi scheme? I mean granted he wont see it for 20 years while he’s sitting in federal prison, crossing his fingers that he doesn't drop the soap, but an $848 million windfall ain't too shabby.



-bacon

#guestblog

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Man Who Is About To Decapitate Johnny Bananas En Route To His Fist Challenge Championship Ever?

Malone. Barkley. Marino. James. Ewing. Banks. Bonds. Kelly. Sanders. Baylor. Butkis. C.T.


C.T. tonight* is your night to get your name off this fucking list baby! No longer will you be grouped with the rest of the best to never make it to the promised land. A win tonight in the jungle of Argentina forever cements your place among the All-Time Challenge greats. Just rip somebodys head off like I know you're capable of doing. I can't deal with that cocky ginger Wes boasting for another season.



-fresh


*filming took place two months ago

11 Year Old Boy Buys Wine In Detroit


(WJBK) Owners of a Detroit grocery store are apologizing after the parents of an underage boy say a clerk sold their son alcohol. FOX 2's Simon Shaykhet reports that 11-year-old John Echols, Jr. walked into the Metro Food Center at Warren and Livernois last Thursday and purchased a bottle of J. Roget sparkling wine. His mother Tracy noticed her son and friends opening the booze in the family garage. John insisted that he didn't know the beverage contained alcohol. Store owners say the clerk, a single mother of two, thought John was with an adult at the time at the time of the purchase.


This little kid is such a boss I can't stand it. Just walking up to the counter with a bottle of white, fully knowing the contents of what's in his hands and he didn't even break a sweat. Hell, even J-Kwon was still using fake ID's as recently as 2004 and this little guy is passing for an adult before he hits his teenage years. Talk about a legend, dude just shot up to #1 on the "spin the bottle" power rankings in his town overnight.

Rookie move though opening in the bottle in the family garage with his buddies while his mom was still awake. Everyone knows that when you buy booze in your early teenage years you do an immediate bee-line to woods, or at the very least wait until the parents go to sleep. Regardless though you can't knock the hustle. Just stole the name "SWAG" from right under Diddy's feet.

I remember when I got my first fake ID. I was 15 years old down on Bleecker St. and had gotten a black eye the night before from drunkenly face planting off the monkey bars. Looked like an absolute mess in the picture. It said my name was Daniel Scalfoni and that I was from Michigan. I maybe used it five times total before college because I was too afraid of getting caught and here this kid is walking up to the register raw and walking away with the bubbly. Like Bob Dylan said, the times they are a-changin'.





-fresh

Man Finally Comes Down From 100 Foot Radio Tower After 6 Day Standoff

(NBC) A man who scaled an Oklahoma TV tower last week surrendered to Tulsa police Tuesday after a six-day standoff, the Tulsa World reported. After several hours of attempts by rescue crews to coax him to safety, William Boyd Sturdivant II, 25, climbed into a Tulsa Fire Department truck lift around 6:40 p.m. and was brought 100 feet down to the ground. During several rescue attempts, crews offered Sturdivant food and water if he would agree to come down from his perch. It is unclear how crews finally persuaded Sturdivant to leave the tower.


I've had it with all these bullshit endings lately. First the Dougherty Gang completely shits the bed and goes out like a bunch of sissies. Sure the stripper chick older sister caught some lead in her leg but it certainly lacked the Godfather style tollbooth shootout that I had been hoping for. And now we have William Boyd Sturdivant II who goes 6 days without food or water, in 100 degree temperatures, while balancing on top of a 100 foot radio tower refusing to listen to anyone and then all of a sudden he just gives up? Come on bro you're better than that. You didn't make national news four days running because people wanted you to give up and come down safely. You gotta go out with a bang and give these cameramen what they're looking for, be it with ridiculous body gestures, outlandish demands or a good old fashion concrete swan dive.

P.S. On a completely serious note I don't know how the hell this guy survived 6 days without food or water. I went to Applebee's last night at like 10 o'clock, didn't eat breakfast this morning and about twenty minutes ago literally did a dead sprint to the $1 pizza slice place around the corner from my office because I thought my stomach was going to start eating itself.


-fresh

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Roe v. Wade; A Statistical Analysis

Roe vs. Wade was a landmark controversial decision by the U.S. Supreme Court on the issue of abortion. The Court came to a 7-to-2 majority vote in favor of Roe, thus setting the precedent for all subsequent abortion cases, deeming it a fundamental right in the U.S. Constitution.

Lou Roe was a standout basketball player (second team All-American) at Umass in the early 90's and was drafted with the first pick (in the second round) of the 1995 draft by the Detroit Pistons. He lasted just two seasons in the league and never came close to achieving his perceived potential. Dwyane Wade was drafted fifth overall by the Miami Heat in the 2003 NBA draft and has since won Olympic gold, a Finals MVP, NBA championship and was the driving force behind luring LeBron and Chris Bosh to join his team last summer. Neither one of these two players have anything to do with the 1973 Supreme Court case or abortion in any way. Regardless, here is the tale of the tape.


This data does little to illustrate something that we didn't already know. Dwyane's career is by far superior to that of Lou Roe. But this does even up the overall score at 1-1 in the cases of Roe vs. Wade.

Looking forward to a game 3 winner takes all!

-fresh

Music Videos That Don't Suck Vol. 5

Because all MTV airs lately is smushing guidos and baby bottle packing teens, I've taken the responsibility upon myself to present you, the reader, with worthwhile music videos to watch. This installment features the song "Miserable" by Lit, the third single off of their 1999 release "A Place In The Sun". This video is dope because it features a Godzilla sized Pamela Anderson, clad in a skimpy bikini and platform shoes, sexually chasing around the band and eating its members one by one. This video replicated one of the most popular and successful business models from the 90's- draw attention to Pam Anderson's tits.


-fresh

Monday, August 15, 2011

Dunk Champion Accidentally Murders Squirrel, Experiences Guilt-Driven Insomnia, Then Gives His Thoughts On Casey Anthony


Slam Dunk champion and N.B.A. Rookie of the Year Blake Griffin tweeted today that he accidentally hit a squirrel yesterday in his car (was it a Kia?). He then went on to say that he was so overwhelmed with guilt that he could not sleep last night. Blake followed that bit of (over) sensitivity up by calling Casey Anthony a "monster". Not sure if the guilt of driving over a medium-sized rodent is comparable to that of murdering your 2 year old daughter and then withholding any knowledge of her "disappearance" for a month after, but yes Blake, Casey Anthony is a monster. Albeit a hot monster at that.




-fresh

Chris Bosh Is Spending His Time Wisely During The Lockout


So while some N.B.A. players have been spotted showcasing their talents and working on their games this summer in the likes of the Philippines or Dyckman Park, Chris Bosh, the weak link of Miami's big three, has spent his time (40 hours to date) getting this bizarre, awkward and blatantly confusing back tattoo. To be blunt about it I just don't get it. There seems to be a purple woman yelling at a skull, an eagle perched on the branch of a gigantic tree, some music notes and (possibly) the face of a man resembling Gargamel from The Smurfs. The images are just all over the place, not working well or complementing each others style at all. I think he should title it "The 2011 Miami Heat."

I imagine that tree looks like a lot like the one Phineas fell from in "A Separate Piece". Just a hunch.


-fresh

Friday, August 12, 2011

"Three Things To Look Forward To" Mid-August Edition


1. Fantasy Football- I don't know about you guys, but I haven't been able to work, eat, sleep or get a boner without thinking about my fantasy team ever since we set the draft date for year 2 of our "Remember The Tight Ones" keeper league (Sunday, August 14th. Expect detailed analysis post-draft. I'm self indulgent, deal with it). Fantasy football is one of* the best things that has ever happened to mankind. And I mean that 100% towards "man." Never before has gambling been made so accessible, marketable and portrayed so positively in our culture. It leads to hundreds of hours of debates, Internet banter, water cooler fodder talk and ultimately, the biggest bragging rights one guy can ever have over his peers (Sans sleeping with someones girlfriend, pre-when they started dating. Obviously).

*other things that deserve mentioning- Internet porn, birth control pills, the RedZone channel, the "Fire and Ice" grill/cooler combo, Xbox Live and the opening scene of "We Own The Night"



So far, so good for Johnny, CT and LeRoy. All three have made it to this seasons last episode


2. The finale of "The Challenge: RIVALS"- Wednesday, August 17th, 10pm on MTV. Not since Seinfeld ended when I was in 4th grade will I have been this upset about a show going off the air. This season, with the return of CT, has provided me with the most entertaining hour of television each week, all summer long. For the Final challenge (and the challenge leading up to it) the cast was flown from Costa Rice to Argentina, where things really got loco. Last weeks episode saw Wes dump a 2 liter bottle of soda of Cara Marie, Laurel break Paula down like an abused puppy dog (Insults Laurel hits on in her 45 second tirade- Paula's battle with anorexia, the fact that she is 39 and both unmarried and without children, that she is ugly and that she has never won a challenge before) and they set the stage for a final elimination round duel of CT/Adam vs. Johnny/Tyler. In case you didn't watch the Cutthroat season from a couple years back, click here to see what happened the last time CT and Johnny faced off in an elimination round. I expect their battle next week to yield the same results. For my betting odds on which team of rivals will win it all, click here. "You killed it".


3. 30 Minutes Or Less- Admittedly, I don't know too much about this movie, other than what I've gathered from watching the trailer a bunch of times. My take is that Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) and Aziz Ansari (Parks & Rec) are two down on their luck buddies in their early 20's who get kidnapped by two ruthless, dimwit criminals (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson). Once they are kidnapped they are then strapped with a bomb and told they have 9 hours to rob a bank or else they will be blown to smithereens (Haven't heard/used that phrase in while. Don't plan on using it again anytime soon). The title comes from the pizza company that Eisenberg's character works for, and the criminals get him to their place by ordering pizza from his restaurant. Clever! I may* try that tonight when I order my chicken parm wedge. Regardless the movie looks funny and I'll be reporting back on it soon. Can't go wrong with Mark Zuckerberg, Kenny Powers and the dad from Road Trip.




*definitely not trying that tonight


-fresh

Parents Give 12 Year Old Daughter Psychedelic Mushrooms

(BTLS) Early Wednesday Morning police found a 12 year old girl near Regency Lodge. They said she was muddy, crying, and distraught. The girl told police her parents had given her mushrooms (psilocybin) for religious purposes. She then left her house and continued her “religious experience” by laying in a creek and walking through the mud. Christopher and Cynthia Ewerdt have been booked for Felony Child Abuse and Manufacturing a Controlled Substance. Police said they did find evidence of a “mushroom grow operation” at the parent’s home. Public Information Officer Lieutenant Darci Tierney said police believe this wasn’t the first time the parents gave their kid mushrooms

Without even looking at the mugshots for these people I know that they're white and I'll tell you why. Because right off the bat they broke Rule # 5 from Biggie's 10 Crack Commandments. "Never sell no crack where you rest at, I don't care if they want an ounce tell 'em bounce". Granted, in this instance we're dealing with psilocybin mushrooms instead of crack-cocaine but the same rules apply. There's just no possible way a black drug dealing couple gets this step wrong. Biggie literally wrote a step by step booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back, and what do these people do? They grew, stashed and dealt from their living room to a person they lived with no less! So what if it was their daughter, still a no-no.

And what's up with this chick anyway? "The girl told police her parents had given her mushrooms for religious purposes". Hasn't she ever seen the Melo "Stop Snitchin" DVD? Just because they gave it to you doesn't mean you had to eat it sister. And it "wasn't the first time the parents gave their kid mushrooms" well you're gonna have a tough time finding that shit now. That was your #1 connect and you just sold them out faster than those Beanie Baby Happy Meal toys at McDonald's. I don't know what other 12 year olds are moving that kind of product on the playground.

As Christian Bale would say "For fuck's sake, you're amateur."



-fresh

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Feeling (Big) Blue

In a wild off-season filled with lockouts, holdouts, and flat out madness, the Giants once again come up short.

Things haven't exactly gone according to plan for the New York football Giants this summer. A few questionable cuts, neglected re-signings, and untimely injuries have Big Blue staring face to face with all the makings of an 8-8 season.

At a time when many of their biggest rivals have put themselves in position to improve drastically, Wellington Mara's neglecting to "make it rain" on the free agent crop now puts the G-Men back into the middle of the pack in the NFC Conference. The first of the questionable moves came when the Giants opted not to re-sign center Shaun O'Hara. Yes, the veteran was coming off of ankle surgery, but stability at the offensive line position is something that cannot be overstated enough as a crucial element to a successful team. Center is one of the most underrated positions, due to the crucial rhythm that must exist between them and the quarterback on a play-by-play basis.

The next domino to fall was tight end Kevin Boss. My Jets fan friends like to give me a hard time about this loss, but in reality I actually think Boss is very replaceable (For instance, he is the #29 ranked fantasy TE on Yahoo! Sports). That is, if we could find someone to replace him. The man we signed to fill in for Boss, Ben Patrick, retired due to "personal reasons" within a week of joining the team. Now they're looking at a combination of Travis Beckum and Bear Pascoe. A duo that combined for a mere 21 catches last year.

In the midst of all of this chaos the Giants were able to bring back their leading rusher Ahmad Bradshaw. Re-signing him was imperative because it will allow the Giants to continue to be a run first team, and lets not kid ourselves, Brandon "Butterfingers" (because he fumbles the ball a lot, and presumably consumes a lot of them) Jacobs isn't the 20+ carry a game guy that he once was. But for all the positive vibes that were brought upon by the Bradshaw signing, those feelings were quickly nullified when Pro-Bowl Defensive End Osi Umenyiora announced that he would be holding out for a new contract. Granted he is only slated to make 8 million combined for the next two seasons (Comparatively, Charles Johnson just signed a 6 year, 72 million dollar deal with the Panthers, leaving Osi green with envy), which is less money than his double digit sack/forced fumble numbers merit, but Osi is on the tail end of his career and much like Jacobs, is not an every down player anymore. The fact is Osi signed that contract (6 years, 41 million) after his most productive season stat-wise (2005) so this shouldn't come as a surprise to him. Players these days have become just as greedy as the owners, and we are living in a time where contracts only seem to be honored when they feel like it and that isn't right. The Giants are trying to meet their star DE half way, offering incentive based bonus's so there is still hope that both sides can reach an agreement before the season kicks off September 11th.

Despite the ups and downs of these past couple of weeks, nothing hit quite as hard as yesterdays loss of Pro Bowl WR, and Giants single season catch record holder, Steve Smith. He signed a one year deal with the Giants arch nemesis, the Philadelphia Eagles, for 4 million dollars. Double what the Giants had offered him. Smith had been nothing but productive since joining the Giants in 2007 (Well ok, except for last season when he totally shit the bed and single handedly destroyed my fantasy team, but I'll chalk that up to his knee injury). He was supposed to be the next franchise wideout, after all he once led the league in third down receptions, and was counted on to be the next Amani Toomer. A reliable wide out with great hands who had morphed into somewhat of a safety blanket for Eli Manning. And although it's not entirely the Giants fault they lost Steve Smith, after all they did offer him a 5 year, 35 million dollar deal last winter before his injury (which Smith inexplicably turned down), their offer this season of just one million guaranteed was somewhat insulting for such an integral member of their team.

Smith signing with the Eagles continues to further escalated their trend this summer of making a big splash with their high caliber acquisitions. They already added Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Jason Babin, Vince Young, Ronnie Brown and this summers "Golden Egg" of free agency, lock down corner Nnamdi Asomugha. Getting Steve Smith almost feels like icing on the cake, and definitely adds insult to injury for the already crippled 2011 Giants team (both literally and figuratively- first round pick Prince Amukamara broke his foot and will miss at least the first two months of the season). The silver lining throughout all of this is that as of now, of course, both teams have the same record, 0-0. Games aren't won in the off-season, they're won on the field. One of the oldest cliches is that the football field is really a battle field, and if that's the case it looks like the Giants will be heading out to war without some of their most reliable solders.


-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Toss Up! Bigger Embarrassment To Their Families- Chet Haze or TJ Fredette?

For those of you living under a rock who don't listen to shitty, unsigned, white rappers, here's a little background on our two contestants. Chet Haze is the 20 year old frat boy son Oscar winning actor Tom Hanks. Haze attends Northwestern University and according to his bio he "spends his nights murdering tracks and really living what he's spitting." Chet received some viral attention for his rip of off the popular Wiz Khalifa song "Black and Yellow", with his own rendition, "Purple and White"(NU Remix).

TJ Fredette is the 29 year old older brother of Sacramento Kings guard, and Mormon folk hero, Jimmer Fredette. Apparently TJ has been preforming some of his songs at half time of Jimmer's games for some time now, but he didn't get noticed nationally until the NBA Draft in June when he was interviewed on ESPN about a contract he wrote up for Jimmer before he entered college, motivating him to make it to the pros one day. However, this summer TJ has upped the ante by taking his gimmicks to the legendary Dyckman Park to rap before one of the highly covered summer league games their. Needless to say it was a total fail, and the crowd (which was made up of 99.9% African Americans) was disinterested and booed him off the court.

In closing I think that TJ is the bigger embarrassment for three main reasons. First- Tom Hanks has infinitely more money than Jimmer, thus allowing Chet to quite literally make as big an ass out of himself as possible, fully knowing that no matter what he'll be sitting on millions when it's all said and done. TJ has a lot more to lose by making a mockery of himself. Second- Jimmer plays in a sport made up primarily of blacks, and his brother is single handedly murdering one of that races most prized pastimes. Not a good look for the new white-boy in the league. And third- TJ kind of looks like the brother from "Lights Out". Not really sure why that counts as a strike against him, but that brother was a total douchebag to Lights (inadvertent stabbing in episode 7 anyone?) so TJ's getting penalized for it.

If those reasons weren't good enough for you, check out their shitty music below and pick which one you think brings more shame to their families?






-fresh

Hey Bachmann- Nice Face!


So Michelle Bachmann appeared on the cover of Newsweek today looking like the love child of what would happen if the "Have you seen my baseball?" kid from Something About Mary fucked the Steve Carrol poster shot from 40 Year Old Virgin. Now if you don't know who Michelle Bachmann is, she is a Republican congresswomen from Minnesota, and long shot "hopeful" to be the Republican candidate for the Presidency in 2012.

I'd be lying if I tried to act like I knew the first thing about politics. I stay informed and try not to dig too deep but I can't help but despise everything that Michelle and her still-closeted husband say and stand for. Just your typical run-of-the mill right wing, uber conservative nut jobs. According to her wiki page she "was called by God to run for the seat, and that she and her husband fasted for three days to make sure." This is the same husband who refers to gays as "barbaric" and even hosts his own clinic to "Pray the gay away."




I'm not buying the fact that tubby kept his mouth shut for three days


This woman makes Sarah Palin look like Princess Di, and this cover makes her look like a delusional sociopath. Well played, Newsweek. Exposing true colors left and far right.




-fresh


Monday, August 8, 2011

Canseco Channels His Inner Walt Whitman

A+!!! Looks like somebody passed Advanced Poetry in high school. But in all seriousness, bravo Jose! You continue to help blur the line between brilliant entertainer and delusional, bitter ex-boyfriend! I too have come up with a little poem of my own that you might enjoy.

"Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

You snitched on all of baseball,

I hate you"



-fresh

Like Jordan Wearing The 4-5

I've returned from a beautiful week in South Carolina, away from the hustle and bustle of New York City, and like an indecisive husband I promise to never leave you guys again. These next few months are going to be a huge step in the right direction for "The 2 Man Weave". For starters, we've created an e-mail address, danye@2manweave.com, so that we can be more accessible and connected to our readers. So please, e-mail us any stories you deem blogworthy, topics you would like us to touch on, YouTube requests, embarrasing escapades, article submissions and any other feedback that you have. It is a great way to connect to us on a personal level and bridge the gap between writer and reader. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get all hopped up on Demerol and Grape soda and go play me some Nintendo Wii!



Video Request from Matt Hart


"Sleep is for babies, gamers play all night"


-fresh