You May Only Live Once, But YOLO Should Have Died Yesterday

YOLO.

The latest of the pseudo-philosophical gems trending on social networking sites. Emblazoned on every status, tweet, picture, email, aim, or whatever stupid girls and “swagged out” bros are using to communicate to the public how deep and meaningful their thoughts are, while simultaneously showing everyone what an adventurous, expeditionary, risk taking lifestyle they lead.

For those of you without a Twitter or newsfeed to deliver you your daily dose of stupidity, YOLO stands for You Only Live Once. I know this seems like a superfluous statement, which is why at first I had such a hard time understanding why I was seeing it everywhere I looked. I thought it was a pretty well accepted concept that we all only lived once? Maybe I missed the memo? Maybe there was a general belief that we had multiple lives? Maybe it was an idea I wasn't privy to? Maybe it was a concept where you had to own multiple pairs of Uggs and think John Mayer is the greatest songwriter to ever live in order to grasp it? Although the exact origin of this beauty of a statement is undetermined, its general popularity is due in large part to the song “The Motto” by Drake (don’t even get me started on the softest man in “rap” ) and Tyga.

Really just another classic example of idiot kids taking stuff they hear in song lyrics and applying it to every aspect of their lives because they believe it to have some deep, spiritual, philosophical meaning.

I’d take Drake's advice if I had an upcoming role as Gilbert Grape on Broadway. He did pretty good job playing a handicapped kid (mad street cred) on Degrassi. Hell, I might ask him for pointers on luxury cars or even women, but in terms of a way to live my life or make decisions, I think I’ll pass on anything a man who calls himself "dizzy" might have to say.

To really put this whole YOLO phenomena into context, let me say that Disney’s version of Robert Pattinson, Mr. Zac Effron, has it tattooed on his hand…hand tattoos in the first place are clear indicators of an inability to make rational decisions, let alone when they belong to a man who is best known for High School Musical and having dated Vanessa Hudgens...can you say troll?

And if you really think about it, people use YOLO most frequently when trying to get themselves or their friends to take risks, live fast or "go hard". Isn’t that contradictory to the actually meaning of the phrase? You only live once, meaning no mulligans. Hmm why don’t we use it to do things that’ll greatly increase our chances of spending the rest of it as a paraplegic?

So yeah, let’s all just start basing our lives off of things in rap lyrics and whatever Charlie St. Cloud gets tattooed on himself.

….. Let’s face a bottle of Smirnoff and drive 100 mph while steering with our knees because were blowing lines off the cover of a CD we jacked from our suitemates car...YOLO

YOLO has now firmly cemented its place among the upper echelons of stupid shit people put on the internet in attempts to showcase their nonexistent wit or intellect.

So in honor of YOLO, I’ve decided to compile my top five favorite things idiots write about on social networking sites.

1) Statuses written in the format of an open letter, you know people (usually girls) writing letters to inanimate objects, non–entities and loosely categorized groups of people.

Examples:

“Dear (weather pattern), Continue to/Desist in your (corresponding verb to aforementioned weather pattern).
Love, ____”

“Dear slutty freshman girls who think leggings can be worn as pants…”

“Dear piece of shit air conditioner…”

Dear Dumbass,
You’re writing a F***ing letter to an air conditioner.
You hate those “slutty freshman girls” because they are hotter then you and probably having sex with your boyfriend. Please go read a book or something.
Sincerely,
Blake

2) Expressing your distaste for Twitter/Facebook and continuously threatening to leave the site.

No wait, please! No, don’t go….whatever will I do without photos or your dumbass friends throwing gang signs and holding up alcoholic beverages???

How will I ever live without hearing about what happened to you at work or school?

How will the Facebook/Twitter community survive without daily uploads of your ugly ass dog/cat (there’s millions of pet owners nationwide, you’re not special neither is your pet)?

…I don’t know how we'll do it but we'll manage to move on once you disable your account. We’ll just have to take it day by day...

3) People Expressing their extreme excitement to see their best friends 

“Yoooo my boys from delta beta sigma alpha tau comin' thru tonight we bout to get it poppin in dis bitch straight ragee baby cases of Heineken for days legooo”

“omg my fab betches comin to get crazy for the weeeekend :)“

Oh boy I cant wait for tonight when the boys upload pictures of their hardcore bros pounding half full cups of beer or for a bunch of girls to post pictures of themselves and their “bitches” in ridiculous, trashy outfits, making hideous faces, wearing those retarded sunglasses that make them look like insects!

It’s perfectly acceptable to be excited to see your friends, however I highly doubt your other 656 Facebook friends who barely even know your first name give a shit.

4) Taking pictures of food or alcoholic beverages

Oh you went to a restaurant? Wow! I don’t know if I’ve ever know anyone who’s been to one of those
before!

Of course I’d love to see a picture of your generic chicken or pasta dish with a caption saying “yumm : )”

Oh you ordered a crazy-ass margarita with an umbrella or fruit or a god damn tuxedo on it, or a 12$ pint craft brew that looks like sewage? How tasty! Or maybe you ordered a bunch of multi-colored shots with the alcohol content of a thimble of Boones farm.

Damn you're crazy and cool, please post more pictures of them ASAP!! I don’t know what alcoholic beverages look like so I'll rely on your obviously refined sense of taste to make my decision on which of them to drink.

5) The significant other/relationship posts

While this may seem like it annoys only bitter single females (posts by that particular demographic have to be in the top ten on this list), you actually annoy everyone when you proclaim to all your FB friends or tweeples how much you love snuggling with your significant other, and how love is all you two need in life, and as long as you have each other everything will be okay, and how your world began when you met them or how you would die happy if it was in their arms, or how you’ll love them for eternity.

No one cares that your life didn’t start until you met them, that just means you’re a loser.

And if your heart says their name with every beat, I'd go get an EKG immediately.

Love is a great thing, just not in the weird, border line psychotic, way you choose to proclaim it to the world thirteen times a day.

-Blake Andrews