Friday, December 14, 2012

Week 15 NFL Picks (12/12/12 Concert Edition)

Unfortunately this column had to be pushed back a day, so although I would like to take a minute to talk about the 12/12/12 concert, I must first raise both middle fingers and give Roger Goodell a good old fashioned eff you to the man. Thursday night football is the worst thing that’s happened to this league since Ray Lewis killed those two people at the Super Bowl. It’s hypocritical in the sense that the Ginger Hammer claims to care about his player’s health (he doesn't), yet trots two teams a week out there just four days after destroying their bodies on Sunday. It’s dangerous, irresponsible, greedy and INFURIATING TO FANTASY OWNERS! Last night I made a last minute change and started Bryce Brown in one of my big money leagues over the Law Firm and Darren Sproles. This came back to royally bite me in the ass, as Mr. Butterfingers himself proceeded to defecate on midfield while Green-Ellis ran wild for 100+ and a score. It’s one thing to have to make a rushed decision of who to play, but it’s another thing to bask in the stink of a shitty game for two whole days until Sunday. Today is going to suck.

Now back to the music. The 12/12/12 concert, which may or may not still be going on, took place Wednesday night and went into the wee hours of the morning Thursday, featuring acts from some of the biggest names in music history. Bruce, Billy, The Rolling Stones, SIR Paul McCartney, The Who, Alicia Keys, Bon Jovi, Chris Martin and others rocked Madison Square Garden and raised millions of dollars for Hurricane Sandy relief. But for as awesome a show as it was, there’s still a few things I need to nitpick on.

Kanye’s skirt

If the Hindenburg and 9/11 fucked and had a baby, the spawn from said romance would come out looking like Yeezy’s performance at the 12/12/12 concert. He rocked a Pyrex sweatshirt (classy!) along with a black leather skirt and leggings, and his song choice made less sense than the ending of LOST. Twitter had a god damn field day, and through the TV you could feel all the middle aged men and women in attendance asshole’s clenching with discomfort. But contrary to popular opinion, I didn’t have a problem with Kon the LV Don rocking a skirt. I had a problem with the fact that he wore leather leggings underneath it. I mean if you’re going rock a skirt then at least let the boys breath down there and make the most of your newfound real estate.

Leo’s excuse

So about four hours into the show they cut to a pre-taped video of Leonardo DiCaprio all dappered up in a suit and gelled hair apologizing for not being able to make it their because he got caught up filming something. One would assume that he was filming somewhere in California, or internationally, or ANYWHERE BUT NEW YORK CITY, but nope, sure enough he had gotten caught up filming in Brooklyn! Umm Leo you do know there’s such things as subways/buses/town cars/stretch hummers that could have gotten you there with ample time remaining, right? I would have told a white lie and at least said I was in a different time zone to play it safe.

The Graybeards

The Graybeards consist of about 180 Rockaway dads  who have been helping rebuild the community post Sandy. They were in attendance at the 121212 concert and were introduced/interviewed by Steve Buscemi. This made for the third most awkward moment of the night (behind Yeezy and Drunk Uncle) because the guys were either A) shitfaced or B) assholes. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they were just sauced up and enjoying the attention, but they were still insufferable and couldn’t have been ruder on live TV if they tried.

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (8-6) Denver -2.5 vs. Baltimore 

The Broncos have won eight in a row and I'm pretty sure the Ravens are the most flawed 9-4 team in recent memory. The Ravens also just fired their OC Cam Cameron this week, so who knows how their offense is going to look on Sunday (can't get much worse, right?). Oh yea and Joe Flacco is a fucking choir boy compared to Peyton Manning.

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne
  Muggsey  99-100-5    Cin -3, G.B. -2.5, NYG +1.5, N.O. -3, Min +3, Wash +6.5, Mia -7, Bal +2.5, Hou -8.5, S.D. -3, Sea -5, Det -6, Pit, Oak -2.5, N.E. -6, NYJ +1

Watch The Throne
Gary 96-103-5  Cin -3, Chi +2.5, NYG +1.5, N.O. -3, Min +3, Wash +6.5, Jax +7, Den -2.5, Hou -8.5, S.D. -3, Sea -5, Det -6, Dal, Oak -2.5, N.E. -6, Ten -1

Chooch  95-104-5   Cin -3, G.B. -2.5, NYG +1.5, N.O. -3, St. Lou -3, Wash +6.5, Mia -7, Bal +2.5, Hou -8.5, S.D. -3, Buff +5, Det -6, Pitt, Oak -2.5, N.E. -6, Ten -1

Flem 94-105-5   Cin -3, G.B. -2.5, Atl -1.5, T.B. +3, Min +3, Wash +6.5, Mia- 7, Bal +2.5, Indy +8.5, Car +3, Sea -5, Det -6, Pit, Oak -2.5, S.F. +6, NYJ +1

The Mush
Danye 85-114-5   Cin -3, G.B. -2.5, Atl -1.5, T.B. +3, Min +3, Wash +6.5, Mia -7, Den -2.5, Indy +8.5, Car +3, Buff +5, Det -6, Dal, Oak -2.5, N.E. -6, NYJ +1

Obscure Gif Of The Week / Blindfold Rubik Cube

Babe of the Week /   Kate Upton

Kate Upton Jiggly Bikini GIFs To Brighten Your Day

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Pilsbury Dough Boy Rap Commercial

Gametime Snack Of The Week / Hot Spin Dip In Yo Muhfuggin Face

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Brandon Marshall, WR Bears

"Iono if yall heard but my new track “Sober” done dropped this week and it’s already the hottest thing up in these streets. Real talk this girl Stacy from round the way came up to me at the pizza shop after she first heard it last night, got on her knees, and started slurpin' me right there. Shot my marinara sauce all up in her mouf in front of the damn crew when I was done. She caught my balls with her tonsils so that's why this Sunday I'm going with the man whose caught the most balls in the league- B Marsh. #3hunna yards = LITE WORK"

-fresh (@danye33)

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