Thursday, December 6, 2012

Why The Eagles Suck (Week 14 NFL Picks)

The Eagles might be the biggest joke of a franchise in NFL history. They've never won a Super Bowl, and they choked worse than David Carradine every chance they got in the mid 2000's. Last year's backup quarterback referred to them as the "Dream Team" and the organization promptly backed that statement by going 8-8. They've lost eight games in a row, and despite coaching himself out of a job months ago, the human walrus remains employed strictly due to a combination of blind loyalty and sympathy. In fact, there's even a twitter handle dedicated to making sure he gets the ax. They rolled the dice on a post prison Mike Vick, which worked for about half a season until his body broke down like an '86 Chevy. They have the one of the best backs in all of football, yet refuse to run the ball and their $51 million receiver would rather rap than run a cross route.

But none of the above reasons come close to being the real cause for why the Eagles are the worst. To find out why they're such a joke, look no further than Hollywood. Twice, yes twice, movies have been made in which the main character goes from being an average Joe off the street to starting, and starring, for the Philadelphia Eagles.

The two movies I'm talking about are 2006's Invincible, the (mostly) true story of 30 year old bartender named Vince Papale who made the Eagles after attending an open tryout and 1998's The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon which chronicled Tony Danza's fictional journey from garbage man to super star kicker. During this time there have been exactly zero movies made that depict non-football players joining any of the other 31 NFL teams out there, which leads me to believe that anyone can play for this shitty team.

Well, anyone besides Jason Babin.

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (7-6) Manning Face -10.5 versus DA RAIDAHS

The Broncos may have already clinched the AFC West, but don't expect them to take their foot off the pedal in their Thursday night battle in the bay. Oakland has lost five games in a row, including a home loss to the Browns, and by all accounts have been playing some of least inspiring football we've seen all season. This line would have to get into the 20's for me to even consider taking the Raiders. Oh yea, and I'm officially changing Darren McFadden's nickname from RUN DMC to RUN DNP. 

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne
Gary 91-93-5  Oak +10.5, Bal +2.5, K.C. +5.5, Indy -5.5, Jax +2.5, Chi -3, Atl -3.5, T.B. -7, St. Lou +3, Cin -3, S.F. -10, N.O. +5, Sea -10.5, G.B. -6.5, N.E. -3.5   

Watch The Throne
Muggsey  90-94-5  Den -10.5, Bal +2.5,  Cle -5.5, Indy -5.5, NYJ -2.5, Min +3, Atl -3.5, Philly +7, Buff -3, Dal +3, S.F. -10, N.O. +5, Sea -10.5, G.B. -6.5, Hou +3.5   

Chooch  89-95-5  Oak +10.5, Bal +2.5, K.C. +5.5, Indy -5.5, Jax +2.5, Min +3, Atl -3.5, T.B. -7, Buff -3, Cin -3, S.F. -10, NYG -5, Sea -10.5, G.B. -6.5, N.E. -3.5 

Flem 87-97-5  Den -10.5, Bal +2.5, Cle -5.5, Indy -5.5, NYJ -2.5, Chi -3, Atl -3.5, Philly +7, Buff -3, Dal +3, S.F. -10, N.O. +5, Ari +10.5, G.B. -6.5, Hou +3.5 

The Mush
Danye 79-105-5  Den -10.5, Wash -2.5, K.C. +5.5, Indy -5.5, NYJ -2.5, Min +3, Atl -3.5, Philly +7, Buff -3, Dal +3, Mia +10, N.O. +5, Ari +10.5, Det +6.5, Hou +3.5 

Obscure Gif Of The Week /  Deal With It

Babe of the Week /  Olivia Wilde 

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / The Instagram Song (via College Humor)

Game Time Snack Of The Week / Buttery Cajon Popcorn

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Christian Ponder, QB Vikings

"Ayo so word on the street is dude finta wife my girl Samantha Steele. Chick is bad like them Ying Yang Twinz said. No lie she a dime, that's top of the line, cute face, lil waist AND a big behind. So although I wish it was me who could ratatatat that ass, I'ma pay my respect cuz the neffew must have some kind of skill to lock that box up. But all this talk of marraige got me thinking when I grow up I'm tryna get my black Mormon on. Might mess around and marry like 30 chicks, keep 'em on rotation. Each one gets one nut a month. This way they better come correct, cause I'ma cum direct, right into they mouf."

-fresh (@danye33)

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