Thursday, May 31, 2012

Joey Welz Droppin Straight Fiya On This Joe Pa Tribute Song




Finally! The Joe Pa tribute song you didn't know you wanted, brought to you by "The Boogie Woogie King of Rock 'n' Roll", Joey Welz. If this shit isn't #1 on Hot 97's Top 8 @ 8 then there is something severely wrong with this country. Like, almost as wrong as not reporting eyewitness accusations of child molestation.

Lyrics below


The evil that was told to him he hardly understood
He reported it to his superiors like he knew he should
What happened after that he really never knew
You don't tell your superiors what to do
Years later it all came back that he was given the blame
for not doing something more, and he was put to shame
Instead of going out with honor that his good name had earned
For years of service and giving, his image they tried to burn
How could he be wrong, when he tried to do what was right?
God judged him with mercy. Now he lives in God's delight (All right!)
The records may state that cancer tore his body apart
But through it all he remained stalwart, and he died of a broken heart
[Breakdown]
No trustees can destroy all that for years he created
Not just winning teams, but young men who graduatedd
Yeah, he was the people's coach, and the people will not stand
for the slandering of one of the best coaches in the land.
Rest in peace, Joe Paterno. Your good name is still intact
Nothing can destroy your image. We won't let it, that's a fact
He was the people's coach, and the people will not stand
for the slandering of one of the best coaches in the land

-fresh (@danye33)
(via Deadspin)

The Real World St. Thomas Looks Awful



Remember in Superbad when Seth told Evan that getting a breast reduction was "like slapping god across the face for giving you a beautiful gift"? Well that's exactly how I felt after watching this trailer for the upcoming season of the Real World: St. Thomas. I mean here these people are on a beautiful, tropical island, with a crazy ass house, no supervision and an unlimited supply of alcohol and they literally don't do one single fun activity in the entire preview. And spare me the whole "maybe they're saving it for the season" spiel, because you and I both know that's not how MTV operates. If something crazy were to happen they would have teased the shit out of it. Remember when Snooki got cold clocked in the face by that Cortland bro in the season one trailer for  Jersey Shore? They literally showed that punch eight thousand times before it was actually set to air. If there's no cut to black fight scene, the season ain't worth watching.

Real World St. Thomas looks like The Simple Life meets Bug Juice: My Summer At Camp. Going on nature hikes, feeding animals and playing pranks like they're at a middle school sleepover. A couple harmless make outs, a cannon ball into an empty hot tub, group snorkeling? CMON SON! The only scene that slightly sparked my interest was when the ginger punched himself in the head and even that looked half assed. I didn't think anything could be worse than last season in San Diego, but right now this summer is looking pretty bleak. I'd rather watch CT lift weights, eat steak and read the Boston Herald in his Bahston accent for an hour each week than this crap.

Somebody wake me up when The Challenge starts back up again.

-fresh (@danye33)

A Canadian's Take On The Severed Foot That Was Sent To The Conservative Party Headquarters


Most people spend red eye flights home from Las Vegas either A) sleeping or B) wallowing in self pity, thinking about all the hard earned money they just pissed away on the black jack table. I did neither of those things last month on my return trip home, and instead struck up conversation and became friends with a late twenty something bass player from Toronto. We chatted about life and our vacations before exchanging contact info (Facebook names) and fading off into iPod induced comas.

We agreed to do an interview in early summer when his band, Asleep In The Machine, releases their new single, but for now Canada has more pressing issues at hand (or should I say foot?). Like the face eating zombie attack in Miami earlier this week, America's hat too has had it's run in with a high profile case, involving the dismembering of human body parts.

Two days ago a note with a severed foot was sent to the Conservative Party Headquarters in Ottawa. The note indicated no motive for the killing, but stated that the killer intended to strike again and that there were six body parts in total circulating around the country. Police have reason to believe that the killer is 29 year old porn star/sadist Luka Rocco Magnotta, who also goes by the aliases Eric Clinton Newman and Vladimir Romanov.

The police began to suspect Magnotta after a video started making it's rounds on the internet showing "two naked young men, one stabbing the other with an ice pick. The killer then dismembers the corpse and engages in sexual acts with the body and its severed parts." Internet searches for Luka reviled a history of kitten snuff films and blog posts that offered a "six-step process to shedding an identity".


Ottawa and Montreal have been the hubs of much media attention of late, doubling as a crime scene for the severed foot and home base for student protests for more than one hundred days now, taking a stand against tuition hikes among other issues. It still remains to be seen whether or not the foot has any connection to the protests or occupy movement. To get a sense for how the natives were taking the news of a potential serial killer on the loose, the 2 Man Weave reached out to our Canadian correspondent, Dan Carret, to see what the general consensus is up north. Here's what he had to say.

"As far as the Montreal story goes (in-regards to the protests)... I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist, so I believe the media exaggerates a lot of stuff to justify the harsh political amendments they're making. In a nutshell, they want to make it illegal to do protests with more than something like 50-100 people, and I'm pretty sure that's the epitome of anti-democratic. Still, if the media is telling the absolute truth, then obviously the protesters are out of line. In regards to the foot... nobody really knows whose foot it is or why it was sent to the Conservative party, so one can't assume it's connected to the Montreal protests until we have more information. That said, it is getting a ton of publicity in Toronto but we usually don't get too worried about these things. There are genocides happening around the world... one human foot is nothing in comparison to that.
Like I said, we don't really freak out about stuff like this. Obviously there's a psycho out there, but it's one human foot, not 10 bodies. I'm curious (to see) what happens though!"
So there you have it folks, it's going to take more than a severed limb to get our neighbors worked up. However, we will continue to monitor this story as more and more details emerge.

-fresh (@danye33)

Bloomberg Set To Ban Big Gulps In NYC


(NYT) New York City plans to enact a far-reaching ban on the sale of large sodas and other sugary drinks at restaurants, movie theaters and street carts, in the most ambitious effort yet by the Bloomberg administration to combat rising obesityThe sale of any cup or bottle of sweetened drink larger than 16 fluid ounces — about the size of a medium coffee, and smaller than a common soda bottle — would be prohibited under the first-in-the-nation plan, which could take effect as soon as next March. 


Look, I'm not going to beat around the bush here, the only reason I blogged this story is so that I would have an excuse to throw up this classic scene from Dumb & Dumber. All it takes is functioning eye balls to notice that kids everyone is obese these days and if the Mayor thinks that cutting down on the accessibility to these high calorie, sugary drinks will lead to a healthier population then the more power to him. Sans the occasional Jack and Coke, I don't even like soda. I've been keen for a while to the fact that chugging down on some pop is a complete waste of your daily calorie intake. In fact it takes 3 miles worth of walking just to burn off that one 20 oz. soft drinkI'll take an extra slice of pizza and some H20 all day.


-fresh (@danye33)

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

New Orleans Wins The Unibrow Sweepstakes


The New Orleans Hornets won the 2012 NBA draft lottery tonight, earning the right to select The Unibrow, Kentucky All-American Anthony Davis, with the first pick in next month's draft. The Hornets were 21-45 last season and had a 13.7% chance of having their ping pong ball selected first. But despite the good odds, you can bank on the conspiracy theorists coming out in full force in these next few days, seeing that New Orleans is still currently owned by the National Basketball Association itself. Tom Benson, who also owns the Saints, bought the Hornets in April after bounty gate swept the nation, and some people like to lionize over the idea that perhaps Stern assured him of the #1 pick to sweeten the pot. This is all fair and good, but the fact of the matter remains that this year's lottery would have been a lose-lose no matter where the pong balls landed.

If New Jersey Brooklyn had landed the top pick, everyone would have said it was because the league wanted the Nets to succeed in their new arena and remain get competitive. If the Kings got the first pick it would have been because they wanted the Maloof's to get funding for a new stadium. If the Bobcats had gotten it, it would have been because they wanted Jordan to get back on his feet. The reasoning behind the Cavs getting it for a second year in a row would have been because of "The Decision" backlash.


No matter how it played out, gasoline was going to be doused on the NBA is rigged fire. Only if I were commissioner of the league, I would have stomped that puppy out right away. See all you have to do to prove your product isn't rigged is show the actual ping pong ball selection live on TV. You can't tell me one good reason why they decide the outcome behind closed doors. It's sketchy, unethical and leaves the door open for way too much speculation.

If they showed the balls being selected, not only would it make the viewing experience more enjoyable (this year's broadcast was awkward and anticlimactic) but it would shut up all the doubters, generate raw emotion from fans and owners and prove that the NBA has nothing to hide. Instead, the league got their man, and now we're left with another year thinking "what just happened?".

-fresh (@danye33)

Syracuse Teens Caught After Dine And Dash Because They Locked Their Keys In The Car



(CNY) SYLVAN BEACH -- Four young adults from the Syracuse area were charged after "dining and dashing" and finding themselves locked out of their car. Police say that after a 17-year-old girl from DeWitt locked her keys in her car, she went in to the State Police station in Sylvan Beach to ask for help unlocking her car. Just moments later, police say they were dispatched to Cinderella's Restaurant on Main Street where an employee reported that two men and two women had eaten and fled without paying. Police say the employee followed the suspects to their car and reported that they were locked out of the vehicle. When police arrived at the scene, they discovered the girl who had just requested help standing by her car along with another woman and two men, all from Syracuse and between the ages of 17 and 20. They were charged with theft of services and issued appearance tickets.

On the Litmus Test of "epic fails" it just doesn't get much worse than this. First off dining and dashing is one of the biggest scum bag moves you can pull. The waiter/waitress ends up eating that check out of their own pockets and they get no tip. So right off the bat I know these kids are pieces of shit. So they dip out on the check, head to their getaway car only to find that they locked the keys inside. An unfortunate turn of events, but for the sake of not getting arrested you absolutely have to chalk that up as a loss and book it on foot, returning to the car at a later, safer time. But nope, these geniuses decide to head down to the police station for help, and while they're there, the restaurant calls in to file a report about four teens that just skipped on their bill. So the cops follow them back to the car, the owners come outside and just like that the kids are caught red handed. Kinda reminds of a Law and Order episode, only instead of the cops having to do their jobs, the morons fall right in their laps. Vintage upstate New York right here. No class.

***UPDATE***

My apologies to Soren Bowie for portraying him as a teenage thief! 

-fresh (@danye33)

Advice For The Recent College Grad- Gettin Miggy Wit It, Vol. 3



Welcome back Honkeys...I hope you enjoyed our last installment of my bi-(curious)weekly advice column. Just some quick house keeping, if you have anything on your mind... something in your life you want an opinion on... or any question at all SEND IT TO THE WEAVE via e-mail (dan.chiavetta@gmail.com) or hit us up on our Facebook fan page. Leave it anonymous if you don't trust me, but come on, I'm like the chubby best friend in an 80's high school movie. You can tell me anything... and I won't try to bang you on prom night. 

This week I’m answering a few questions, but under one umbrella. I got a couple emails asking basically the same question, and this is what they had to say. 

Dear Miggs,
I’m graduating (Generic State University). WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NEXT??

Well put readers. As I am now a year removed from the exact sentiment that you are expressing. 

So a little break down of what I did. I graduated, went back to living at home and applied for different jobs for three months while I worked at my extended summer drive. I then caught a break and now work for a popular/unpopular twenty four hour news network in the city.

Granted it’s not the most glamorous nor exciting tale but it’s about as average and level headed as you can get. So my advice begins by telling you that everyone is different. Some people are not ready to give up their youth and freedom to a job or anything else for the matter. Some are looking to start a career right away to rub it in the face of the chick that dumped you on prom night and made you drink so much you threw up on a fire at the camp site that you thought might be the night you actually would get to feel some under the shirt boobage. Others just want to move the fuck out of their parents house.

What you all have in common is that you want to advance an aspect of your life. Either you want to advance your experience, your career, or your lifestyle. And depending on which one of those you would like to attack first will determine what actions you take as you leave that alcohol/drug infused four year theme park that is also known as college.

So first things first- determine which part of your life you would like to advance in.

1) Advance your Experience

What I mean by advance your experience isn't just learning that Blue Moon bottle caps are twist off (I’ve been using a bottle opener on them for like 3 years). It’s developing who you are by experiencing the spice of life. Advance your Experience by experiencing anything that you desire. You want to find out what the running of the bulls is like? Book a ticket to Pamplona. You are at a crossroads in your life right now. For most of you it’s the time before you are really anchored down by anything. So before you have to be tied to a job or relationship or a family or bills, go out there and experience something. It’s probably your last opportunity to add to your own personal "Most Interesting Man in the World" tale.


2) Advance your Career

First off you have to figure what you want to do for the rest of your life. You went to school for four years studying knowledge in books that you will most likely never put into action. Learning what you need for a job is 85% learning what your bosses tell you is the correct way to do anything. So my advice if you’re like me and you immediately come out of college and start looking for a job- broaden your search. If you went to school for Marketing, don't just look for something in marketing. Look for anything that has a connection to marketing. It’s rare that you will find yourself in a job that you will have for the rest of your life. So test the waters. You may find a job that you fall in love with that you never thought was possible. 

Quick notes on getting a job

-Sell yourself (make sure you are attractive to a possible employer)
-Ask everybody and their mother if they know someone that could give you a job (it's sad but true..most people get jobs from various connections)
-Applying for a job is a job in and of itself. Set aside a couple of hours every day and just send shit out everywhere. FLOOD THE MARKET WITH YOUR RESUME.


3) Advance your Lifestyle

This one may be the toughest one of 'em all. Financially, all of us are pretty fucked when we come out of college. We either come out in copious amounts of debt and if we were lucky enough to not come out of college in the red, then we pretty much will be a stones throw away from poverty. Scary but true. So we all have to take that walk of shame back to the place where it all began, home. The cock tease that is living on your own at college is one of the biggest disappointments there is. You go from having a poster of hot chicks and beer on your wall to Mickey Mouse and Ken Griffey Jr.  After about a week of moving back home you’re going to realize that you miss being able to do whatever you want. You’re going to miss smoking a doob in your pajamas and watching a Storage Wars marathon. The only way to advance our lifestyle to the point of being able to live on your own is to find a job that pays enough for you to do so. To make this an easier goal remember you’re not the only one...I hope that most of you have a group of friends that have either found a place to live or are looking for one just like you. Use this to your advantage. Even if it’s you and one of your buddies sharing a studio apartment, it’s still a lot better to tell a chick your trying to bang “Yea we can go back to my place, we just can’t wake up my roommate”. Instead of “Yea we can go back to my place, we just can’t wake my mom.”

All in all our poor generation is entering a weak work force with an economy that’s dryer than Rosie O’Donnell’s hoo-ha. We have less opportunity than our parents did and twice the competition. The good news is that most companies will try to cut salaries by firing older employees and hiring younger kids so they can pay them half as much. So at least we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.

-PEACE, LOVE, MIGGS

Miggs is the 2 Man Weave's perma-frat boy

Added To Bucket List- Use DeShawn Stevenson's Kitchen ATM


DeShawn Stevenson loves money. He loves it so much that aside from having Abraham Lincoln's face (along with two "5's", because, you know, Lincon's face is on the $5 bill) tattooed on his neck, it also appears that he has an ATM machine in his kitchen. The headcase-turned-World Champion-turned-Nets scrub posted the above photo on Instagram earlier in the week, and now I have a new item to add to my bucket list. Use Stevenson's personal ATM machine.

This pictures raises a handful of questions. For starters, why is DeShawn dressed like Jason Mraz? Other questions include where is the inevitable stripper pole? What is in that gigantic faux-crystal centerpiece in the background for? Does that ATM charge a fee? Does Domino's only take cash on delivery? Does he like to tip his escorts when they leave? But most importantly, why does this man feel the need to have a cash dispensing instrument next to his dinner table?

Regardless of the answers to any of the above questions. Keep on doing what you're doing over there DeShawn. The world is better place with people like you in it.


-fresh (@danye33)

(via Deadspin)   

Weave Gotcha Covered- YouTube User RyanFontana7 "Sweetest Girl/Ride With Me - Acoustic Mashup"



Much like it's predecessors Music Videos That Don't Suck and Awesome 90's Songs You May Have Forgotten, Weave Gotcha Covered is a (fairly) new musical feature we've been putting out from time to time to shine some light on our favorite cover songs on the internet. This installment features two unknown college kids during a "late night summer jam sesh". One of the reasons that this cover shits on the original version is because with this you can actually make out and understand the lyrics to the song. For example, I’ve heard the Wyclef/Weezy/Akon version of “Sweetest Girl” over a hundred times and I never once noticed the lyric “Closed legs don’t get fed, go out there and make my bread”. Really hits home the fact that this song is about prostitution and not just some catchy radio tune about a spurned lover.

These guys are concise, original (well, as original as you can be while doing a cover) and passionate about their music. Bonus points for including Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me” (I’m a sucker for cornrows, manicured toes AND acoustic rap covers) and what really puts this over the edge is the “I see you winding and grinding, up on that pole” line from Akon and Snoop’s ’07 balled “I Wanna Fuck You”. That line is like a time machine that drops me right on the dance floor of a freshman year college house party.

But seriously, has the dynamic of a song ever been changed more by the replacing of one single word? When these guys sing “I know you see me looking at you and you already  know, I wanna loveeeee you, you already know”, it makes Akon’s effort seem like the most genuine love song of all time. Then you throw on the unedited track with the “I wanna fuck youuu, you already know” and it becomes the most straight forward, intentions on the table, no foreplay, gimmie-that proposal of all time.  You got the edited version for the sober car ride with the family, and the uneditedversion for when you’re trying to get it in at the club. It’s like a chameleon, adjusting to whatever life situation you need. A duel threat if I've ever seen one.

-fresh (@danye33)

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Uncle Jesse Would So Cream Himself Over This Summer's New Music Releases



Jesse Katsopolis, front man for the fictional 90's rock group Jesse and the Rippers, was a man with a catch phrase. And in case you skipped the two minute long YouTube mash-up embedded above, his catch phrase of choice was "Have mercy!". Often times Uncle Jesse would drop this line while being approached by a beautiful woman, but he would also use it to signify joy, disappointment, confusion, reflection or pretty much any other life emotion you can think of. Which is why it's such a shame that his character isn't around to sing "Michelle's Smiling" while Mary Kate and Ashley pass crack pipes back and forth enjoy this summer's double dipping of the word "Mercy".

The first Mercy to drop was the debut song from G.O.O.D. Music's upcoming album Cruel Summer. The track features verses from Kanye West, Big Sean, 2 Chainz and Pusha T, and talks about the everyday struggles of being "In that 2 seat Lambo, with your girl, she tryna jerk me." This song also introduces us an awesome new way to describe a big butted woman on the dance floor ("that's an ass-quake") and Kanye puts a 50 million dollar offer on the table to the execs over at Def Jam. It's a catchy summer tune, perfect for any club that caters to popular rap music.


On the complete other side of the musical spectrum, like literally the other side of the world, we have "Mercy", the Dave Matthews Band's first single from their still untitled new album, set to be released in September. Dave first performed this song on April 24th, live on stage during Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. The song is about changing/fixing the world, and after hearing the second leaked track from their new CD, "Gaucho", it appears that sort of social conscious/call for change is exactly what we can expect from the rest of the album. The chorus goes as follows:
"mercy will we overcome this? or have we come too far to turn it around? oh and asked too much to be a little bit stronger, but i want to give you what you need."
A far cry from "Lamborghini Mercy, your chick she so thirsty", but effective all the same. So yes, as you can see, this summer was essentially created for Uncle Jesse. It's a shame Full House couldn't have lasted just seventeen more seasons (yes, the last episode of Full House aired in 199fricken5!) so that he could be around to enjoy it himself. Welp, I guess I'll just have to live it up for him. You can catch me with those white girls politicking (that's that Sarah Palin) at the DMB shows in Hartford 5/26 and SPAC (6/8 and 6/9). Full reports to follow.



Have mercy!

-fresh (@danye33)

In Case You Needed Another Reason To Feel Old... The Marshall Mathers LP Came Out 12 Years Ago Today


I can still remember May 23rd, 2000 like it was yesterday. I had just finished up another day of sixth grade and after voting for "The Real Slim Shady" on TRL for the past three weeks, the time had finally come to get my hands on the bleach-blonde rapper's sophomore effort. New York City had been plastered with posters for this CD launch for months, which only added to my heightened anticipation. Luckily after school that day my mom agreed to take my friend Garrett and I to Sam Goody in Mt. Kisco, and after some schmoozing with the sales woman, finally had the unedited copy in my possession.

I brought that thing home and immediately threw it in my Sony Discman (or was it a Walkman?). Rolled up to the Science Fair that night like a BAWSE, head bobbin' to the beats, just oozing with pre-pubescent angst. I probably had one of those make shift volcano or a shanty switch boards that no one wanted to stop at and ask questions. Nobody in there right mind would want to stop and hear me yap about my sub par project, and I was perfectly fine with that. You know why? CAUSE I'M A CRIMINAL!

See, when you're a kid and you have something you're not supposed to have, it's like you're pulling a fast one on the world. I couldn't wait to get to school the following day and share this magic with my peers. I could have charged a dollar a song to kids and made enough to buy eight lunches (Shallcross would have been SO jealous), but instead I gladly passed my CD player around like a frat house bong, and the reactions on my friends faces were priceless. This is what being a kid was all about. We didn't just want this CD, we needed it.

But like the great prophet Ponyboy once said, "Nothing gold can stay", and that became evident the second I saw my mother's face after school. Apparently my friend had not been as sly as I, and left the CD home, out in the open. Sure enough his mom took a listen, and lets just say the minute long mock-homosexual blow job track between Ken Kaniff and Shaggy/Silent Jay from ICP left her with a bitter taste in her mouth. She then called up my mom, played it for her, and just like that my reign at the top of the social pyramid was over. She grabbed the headphones off my ears and did a beeline for the record store. I'm pretty sure the words "manipulative", "sneaky" and "asshole" made repeat appearances in our car conversation.

Sure, it sucked that my initial time with the unadulterated version of this album was cut short, but the important thing to remember was that it ever happened at all.  Soon enough (if they didn't already) kids would have access to things like Napster and CD Burners which would render actually buying an album irrelevant. If a twelve year old today wanted to listen to a song like "Rack City", they could YouTube it on their iPad and beat off to strippers asses by the time the second chorus hit. No pulling one over on your old man, no awkward interactions with store clerks, no rush you get from clicking play on a tangible object.

The internet may very well be the greatest invention of all time. I guess I'm just lucky enough to have experienced the best of both worlds.

And no, I'm not talking about this.



-fresh (@danye33)

This Dude Maury Really Reaching For Ratings These Days


This screen shot comes from reader Steven, and regardless of whether or not its a troll, it's getting posted because I've re-read it twenty times and haven't not laughed once.  It's the most outrageous question that's ever been asked.  It packs a triple punch. Starts out by making you picture a family member having sex (gross), then adds that said intercourse must have occurred on a religious symbol (hilarious), in front of your dead child (fucked up). Like the more I read it, the more I doubt its legitimacy. However, according to user BigGirl on the Straight Dope message board "Maury does guest search during the bumper to commercials and this is a screen cap of one such solicitation.". 

To quote Uncle Frank from Home Alone, "Immature or not, it was pretty gol-darn hilarious."

So readers, ever fuck on a cross in front of your dead kid? If so, call 1-888-45MAURY

-fresh (@danye33)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

#LiveTweetingGraduation


College graduation weekends are memorable. For many, it's the last time you'll be able to roam free in your natural habitat with the friends you've accumulated there over the years. It's a mixed bag of emotions and marijuana all played to a looping soundtrack of SHOTS! by LMFAO. Everything about it is memorable, except the graduation ceremony itself. You're surrounded by hundreds of people you've never even seen on campus before, it's hot as hell and despite not attending Hogwarts, you're draped in over-sized, suffocating gowns and absurd square hats that double as billboards for sorority and fraternity letters. The speeches are always forgettable, and in some cases, sleep educing. Sans the uber-rare Steve Jobbs, Will Ferrell or Barack Obama performances, the odds are your speaker was some no-name alum, or an agenda pushing Congressmen with a hidden agenda to pimp (we'll get back to this later). 

My girlfriend graduated college this past Saturday, and seeing that I graduated from the same college two years earlier, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. Each graduate receives four tickets to the commencement ceremony, which is fine if you're an orphan, but horrible for graduates with families that want to come share in the "once in a lifetime" moment. Luckily, four years ago my family recognized a flaw in the arena security, and for the fourth time in five years we were able to sneak in an additional ten guests through the back entrance, which legally must remain open as a safety precaution in case grandma suffers a heat stroke.

I found a string of seats together in the last row and set up shot with my sister and a couple of my girlfriend's cousins/siblings. The second everyone's ass hit the seat it immediately became a Temple Run orgy. No sooner did their knees form ninety degree angles did their thumbs start assaulting whatever touch screen they could get their sweaty fingers on. I too joined in on the small screen gaming but was interrupted by the twenty minute stand and clap session that took place while the class of 2012 and several dozen faculty flooded into the hockey arena. Afterwards, the school President took the stage.

About thirty minutes into the ceremony things took an uncomfortably dark turn. The student body president had redirected her speech and was now talking about a fellow classmate who had unfortunately passed away during their time together at school. It was a heartfelt speech, but it brought the already dulled group moral to a Holocaust-esq level. It was then that I decided to take to twitter to voice my discomfort. While writing the tweet "The speech just took a real dark turn", I came up with an idea that I would kill time/make myself laugh by adding to it the hashtag #LiveTweetingGraduation. And just like that, I had a way to occupy my time.

Things were looking up and the jokes were writing themselves. One seventy plus year old even announced on stage that "the future can dance without choosing a partner". Sooo deep. Deepak Chopra would be proud. Then the ceremony took another detour when U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer decided to drop in unannounced and interrupt diploma handout time to talk about some new bill he was working on. Since no one gave a shit about that, and in an attempt to come off as both likable and relatable, he closed with a story about how when he was graduating college, he had been awarded a scholarship that would allow him to travel around the entire world, all expenses paid (where can I sign up?). Only he had a girlfriend at the time who he didn't want to be without, so he declined the offer. Fast forward to the following fall where the girlfriend (predictably) dumped his ass.

In his defense, it is a good story (that is, if it actually happened). It's a humbling tale and I think the point he was trying to get at was to advise graduates to take as many chances as they can in the real world and not let good opportunities pass you by. The crowd seemed to be digging it, and I liked it too- the first time I heard it! See, this guy gave the same exact speech verbatim at my graduation back in 2010, and now here he was on the same stage back at it again. I don't know why the fact that he repeated himself pissed me off so much, but it did. Unoriginal douche.

Once Chucky boy hopped off the stage it was back to names on names on names. Roughly 600 to be (not so) exact. It was at this time that I decided to stretch my legs and pay a visit to my Dad, who was sitting alone in a chair behind me. Despite his best efforts, I didn't fall for his Stevie Wonder glasses mirage, and immediately noticed that he was out cold leaning up against the wall. I twitpic'd the shot to the right and wrote "Those sunglasses aren't fooling anyone. My dads out like a light (that's an expression, right?) ". Eventually I gave him a good British nanny shake and woke his ass up so I could have someone else to share my social commentary with.

When the names were finally done being called, I returned to my original seat, and was greeted by an eager Taylor (my girlfriend's 15 year old cousin). She then whispered in my ear and said "that guy over there (pictured at the top of the post) is reading your tweets." Now Taylor has been known to partake in the occasional Aesop's fable, so at first I was skeptical of her story. She had been following my #LiveTweetingGraduation stream and insisted that the man sitting in front of us was not only reading my tweets as they appeared, but he was also reading them to his entire family! I thought of ways to put this to the test, and settled on tweeting "Shout out to the dude in the green shirt sitting in front of me reading my tweets!! ". I sent those eighteen words into the twitterverse and waited. 

And waited...

And then sure enough, the man's eyes locked onto his phone screen with intense precision. He quickly glanced back, scanning our row in disbelief. He knew he had been caught and there was nothing he could do now. After a second or two I broke my previously straight face and began laughing. Relieved, the man dapped me up, and one by one his family began complementing me on my work that evening. I had provided entertainment to a family I had never met before, sitting a row in front of me, without uttering a single word to them. If there was ever a moment in my life that made me realize we're already living in the future, this was it. 

When the ceremony finally came to conclusion I chatted up my new-found follower and asked how he had found my live tweet stream. He said that after one of the graduates chose Eli Manning as his person to honor, he had a feeling that someone in the building would tweet about it. Creepily enough, he was right, and thus my #LiveTweetingGraduation feed was discovered. It was one of the most bizarre, radical and unique life experiences I've ever had, and I can only imagine how Green Shirt man felt. I accomplished something I had previously thought impossible. I made graduation entertaining.

Thank you, twitter.

-fresh (@danye33)

dan is the editor in chief of the 2 man weave

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Fuck Off, Pizza Hut

Dip Your Way Through the Cheesy Bites Pizza. More Ways to Dip. Cheesy Bites Pizza is back for a limited time, and even more fun with extra dipping sauces. Add Garlic, Ranch and Blue Cheese for just 50 cents each! LARGE $11.99 1-Topping With Marinara Dipping Sauce.
Fucking Pizza Hut. Here I am slaving away at my desk, eating a steady daily diet of yogurt, bananas and chicken salad, trying my best to get a “beach body” for the first time in four years and the formerly red-roofed pizza chain keeps e-mailing me adorably delicious promotions of cheesy bites dressed up as pirates and party box deals. And they always come at the absolute worst time. Middle of the afternoon, stomach growling, trying with all my might to hold out until dinner and then BAM- 2 pepperoni pies, 10 breadsticks and cheesy bites for twenty bucks. It’s like temptation island at my cubicle. Seriously how am I supposed to resist this? That little cheesy cross between Al Capone and Captain Jack Sparrow is literally cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and his salivating sidekick ain’t that bad either. It’s no wonder we’re a nation of fat asses,  just getting force fed misleading advertisements that you immediately regret the second you finish stuffing your face.

I once tweeted "what’s a bigger let down- losing your virginity or anytime you’ve ever eaten Pizza Hut?" And without question it’s the latter.  I probably eat there once, maybe twice a year, and the night always plays out a little something like this:
1) My friends and I sitting around, discussing whatever various special they’ve got going on at the moment, followed by someone suggestion we try it out.
 2) Us eating said special as fast as humanly possibly (because the only thing worse than Pizza Hut is cold Pizza Hut)
 3) Me, shitting my brains out for the remainder of the night, cursing myself for falling for their promotions yet again.

So although they won't win the battle this time, cooler heads have prevailed and I will be withholding from indulging in cheesy gluttony this evening, they still made me want it. And sometimes that's just as bad. 

-fresh (@danye33)

Music Videos That Don't Suck Vol. 11

Because all MTV airs lately is Twilight spin-offs, gelled up DJ's and lactating teens, I've taken the responsibility to provide you, the reader, with worthwhile music videos to watch. This installment features Yeezy's latest effort "Cold" (aka the song formally known as Theraflu and Way Too Cold), his second digital download off of his most recent series of G.O.O.D. Friday releases. This video kicks ass because it's basically an eight year old Kanye lookalike doing what Kanye does best- and that's wearing lavish clothes and kicking it with dime piece models. Not going to lie, the Condi Rice/Richard Nixon mask make-out scene kind of through me for a loop, but in the end it just adds to the fun.

This song created an internet ruckus in early April because of a line in it where West boasts that Kris Humpries (Kim Kardashian's ex-puppet) is "lucky he ain't have Jay drop him from the team". This of course is a reference to Kanye's "Big Brother" Jay-Z, who is a co-owner of the New Jersey Nets, the team that currently employs Hump. Now Kanye may have the magic touch when it comes to making music, but in this case not even the Louie Vuitton Don could pull off a power move like that. However, the 2 Man Weave would still like to wish Kanye & Kim the best on all their future reality TV endeavours.



-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

300 Bars And Runnin'- A Statistical Analysis


According to the G-Unit/Game Feud wiki page, there have been over 100 diss tracks released between the former group members and their ensuing entourages. However, no song has done a better job of motivating me while on the treadmill capturing the true essence of the beef than the Game's "300 Bars and Runnin'". A "bar" in this sense, is most commonly referred to as a line in a song (2 lines if they're short). Most rap verses typically consist of 16 bars, and most rap songs consist of 3-5 verses. In short, Game basically put together five songs worth of lyrics in this one effort, and in doing so, put up an incredible stat line which you can view below.



REFERENCES TO 50 CENT: 16
N BOMBS: 41
F BOMBS: 12
M-F BOMBS: 6
GUN REFERENCES: 47
BEATS RAPPED OVER: 15


-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Gravity Is A Bitch


R.I.P. Robert "Tractor" Traylor

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

T-Sizzle Balled So Hard He Tore His Achilles


(Washington Post) Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs tore his Achilles’ tendon playing basketball in Arizona, an injury that will require surgery and will likely force him to miss the entire 2012 NFL season. The injury, as first reported by 105.7 The Fan’s Vinny Cerrato, is a tremendous blow to one of the league’s top defenses. Suggs had 70 tackles and a career-high 14 sacks and seven forced fumbles in 2011 to earn defensive player of the year honors.

Too hard T-Sizzle, its only a pickup game!! Suggs is the reigning Defensive MVP and now he's going to end up missing a large chunk of time (possible the entire season) because he was busy getting his LeBron on. This reminds me of the Aaron Boone injury all over again. Just a guy coming off a monster season, then fucking up his leg cause he was double dipping on unfamiliar turf. Classic example of another professional athlete who didn't stay his lane and ended up paying the price.

On behalf of everyone at the 2 Man Weave, we would like to wish the BSHU alum a speedy recovery.

-fresh (@danye33)

Occupier Channels His Inner Kevin McAllister, Throws Bricks Off Rooftop During San Francisco "May Day" Protest


(TGPIn San Francisco yesterday a Democrat-endorsed #Occupy protester decided to chuck bricks at cops and bystanders from the roof of an illegally occupied building. His aim was a little off and he hit an innocent bystander in the face.

Listen bro, I feel you. I know it’s damn near impossible in this day and age to take a shit without it ending up on YouTube, but the next time you’re out there throwing bricks at police officers and breaking people’s faces open, try to do it when you’re not being filmed on live TV. It’s just not a good look.  And what’s up with the May Day Occupy movement anyway? I mean I respected it last fall when they came out guns joints blazing, setting up shop in Zuccotti park and drinking pepper spray like it was Poland Spring, but you can’t just hibernate for the entire winter, come back when it’s nice out and pretend you've got the same momentum as before.  I mean not having a job is a full time job, and these guys sucked at being unemployed too. By now too much time has passed, I’m out on these fair-weather protesters.



-fresh (@danye33)