Hey Heinz, Do Less

Admittedly, I had been out of the fast food game pretty much all of 2012. That is until a seventeen hour round trip-road trip from Rochester, New York to Seabrook, South Carolina reacquainted me with a few of my old favorite stomping grounds. Not going to lie, it felt good to temporarily go back to my old ways. After all, everyone knows that all diets and morals get thrown out the window when you’re on a road trip. Options are limited and southerners love fast food, so I gladly got with the culture and dove head first some greasy burgers whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Now if you’ve ever had the pleasure of sharing a meal with me, then you would know that ketchup holds a place very near and dear to my heart. I’m a dipper through and through, so it should go without saying that every trip to the drive-thru ends with a plea from your boy for as much extra sauce as possible. Only this time when I checked my bag, I was surprised to see that instead of your typical ketchup packet, I had been given this new Heinz “Dip & Squeeze” invention.

On paper this sounded great- higher KPP (ketchup per packet ratio), more versatile and allegedly less messy. But just like the Philadelphia Eagles can attest to, games meals aren’t won on paper, they’re won in stomachs and on the lack-their-of stains on your wardrobe.

This creation defines the phrase “doing too much”. For starters, if you opt for the “dip” method, you better have prepared yourself by bringing along the Jaws of Life. I swear it took Andy less effort to get out of jail in Shawshank than it took me to rip open this puppy. And once you do get the top off, it’s damn near impossible to complete a clean rip all the way, so you’re left with the 2 inches of ketchup covered plastic dangling off one end of the packet. This essentially doubles your chances of spilling on your pants, car, copy of 50 Shades of Grey, etc.

The above ad also boasts that the “Squeeze” option gives you pin-point accuracy, but it neglects to tell you that it’ll also give you a chipped tooth. I tried ripping that end off for a solid minute before I gave up and went all bath salts on it and started ripping away with my mouth. 

In the end though, the casualties were minor and the food was still delicious. However I will leave you guys with this brief, yet effective, message for the Heinz Tomato Ketchup company:

Know your damn role, and shut your damn mouth. 

-fresh (@danye33)

It's Hard To Rise With Disappointment In Your Heart

In the moments after I left the theater, I had an odd feeling that carried with me throughout the week. I knew something was off but I just couldn't figure it out. In my mind I did not want to admit to myself that I disliked a movie that i believed was going to galvanize the standard of what all future Batman films would aspire to be. Then the realization hit that I was truly and utterly disappointed in The Dark Knight Rises. The film had its moments, but for multiple reasons it was unable to create the guttural tension I felt while viewing The Dark Knight. Like a child coping with finding out the tooth fairy is actually your parents, I was distraught, racking my brain for the real reason why I didn’t enjoy this film.

But before I get into all the bad shit, here are a couple things I liked about TDKR.

·         The scale and ambition of this movie: Nolan knew that he had a tough task in topping The Dark Knight. So the stunts and overall enormity of this project was definenlty amplified and it was good to know that he was trying to top it.

·         Joseph Gordon Levitt: HUGE SPOILER- he is Robin. Literally his name is Robin. At the end he discovers the bat cave and it gives you hope that this particular Batman franchise will live on.

·         Catwoman: I though Hathaway did it justice, she was the first actress to really take a stab at Catwoman in a much more lifelike and grounded way. Instead of being licked by mythical cats, ala Michelle Pfeifer, she is more of just a master jewel theif that will stop it nothing to get what she wants. Well done. (Ed. Note- this is how I feel about Hathaway's Catwoman).

Bane: at first I felt that he was hindered in his performance by the mask. But after further review, I’m starting to come around and really respect the performance given by Hardy. It was an attempt to make this generations Darth Vader but kind of fell short into Darth Maul territory. Not bad, just not the same thing.

Many of the issues I have with this film fall in two categories. Tension and World of story. This is where I noticed the biggest drop off from the last film. So I’ll breakdown each one and why this movie seemed to fail for me.

Tension

Some say that Heath Ledger’s performance was what made The Dark Knight as good as it was, which may be true, but what made the Joker such an amazing character to watch on screen was the tension felt in the audience whenever he showed up. With Ledgers once in a lifetime performance and Hanz Zimmers amazing score, the Joker was able to produce a guteral nausea/excitement whenever the Joker showed his smile on camera. Now this is my own fault for setting the bar too high, but I was desiring the same from Bane. I wanted to fear Bane. I wanted to feel that Bane was truly dangerous and really could kill Batman. Hardy did his best but I was saddened to say that he was unable to produce the same physical reaction of sweaty palms and stomach pains that I felt while watching the Joker.

Also what added to the Jokers madness was his motive. What made his motive scary was that there was no clear motive or goal. He was just like a kid on the playground burning ants (or stacks of money) with a magnifying glass. He had no method or to his madness, he just wanted to cause chaos. When you can’t explain why someone is killing and maming people, it makes it much more intense.

If this was the case with Bane, and all he wanted to do was show the world he’s not fucking around by breaking Batman in half and leveling a city that would have worked for me. But at the end of the film you realize he’s nothing but a roided out sidekick. And worst of all, it was to a girl who fucked Bruce Wayne on their very first date.  He was just doing other peoples bidding. It’s like taking the venom out of a snake bite.

What about sexual tension you may ask? It’s obviously the best kind of tension and I thought Hathaway did Catwoman justice. In the end Batman and Catwoman end  up together “ happy and out of the game” only prior to that scene there was no sexual tension and desire for each other throughout the movie. Bruce Wayne sleeps with Miranda Tate. Wouldn’t it have made more sense for him to bang Catwoman since they were going to end up together? Or just have Bruce alone…because the last two woman we have seen him with either died (Rachel) or ended up being the bad guy (Tate).

World Of Story

TDKR starts off with a crippled Wayne who has been retired for eight years due to his belief that if people still believed in Harvey Dent, then they’d still believe he was one of the good guys and anybody they arrested during Dents Reign as District Attorney would remain behind bars. Fine, that’s okay and it works with me. But if the movies coincide correctly it means in Batman Begins he took about a year to train and become Batman. Then in Dark Knight, about a year after he becomes Batman, Joker arrives on the scene and causes all hell to break loose. Okay, those work for me but then The Dark Knight Rises comes along eight years later and we’re supposed to think that everybody in Gotham hasn’t forgot about a vigilante who existed for a little bit over a year? The ratio of Bruce Wayne actually being Batman one year to him not being Batman eight years and we’re supposed to believe that little children  and kids of the orphanage would probably have been four or five at the time of the Dark Knight remember who Batman is eight years after that? We work in a business that forgets the hottest news story within days and the media didn’t forget batman? Not to mention all the skills and training Batman had and he just happens to be a little rusty? I played baseball for like 10 years and I don’t know if I could hit a fastball ever again in my life but Batman, a supposedly a regular guy, can relearn how to kick somebody in the face in a time frame of days? Besides that what army would legitimately shoot at someone because some lunatic threatened to blow up the city. What country are they in? Okay, now I’m starting to babble.  How did hundreds of policeman survive underground presumably without food or water and not die or go crazy? Finally, how did Batman get from a jail which looks like it existed in the middle east somewhere and back into Gotham, a city in lockdown? He did it without any bat gear and without any money…honestly I was watching it and he showed up. I was shocked. Where the fuck did he come from?

Bare with me while I break down the ending, I’m almost done. I promise.

For a movie that runs two hours and forty four minutes the resolution was stunted and unsatisfying. To find out that the main baddie you've been focusing all your energy on is nothing more than a pussy whipped side kick who doesn't even get laid by the chick he destroyed Gotham city for.

Even the final physical showdown between Batman and Bane was lackluster. Batman is back from the mysterious hole in the Earth and he's somehow stronger than ever. In a battle between Banes army and the cops of Gotham Bane and Batman seek each other out in the middle of an all out brawl. Batman finally gets some good shots in on Bane, breaking his mouthpiece/ball gag. From what we learned earlier this apparatus prevents Bane from feeling any pain from his face being ripped off years earlier so this gives us the assumption that Bane hasn't felt pain like a normal human being in quite some time. I thought this missed out on a big emotional moment that I thought Nolan would have pounced on yet again he swung and missed at a curve ball in the dirt. I didn’t like how  they let a villain that could have lived up to Ledger’s Joker, go out like a little bitch. He gets taken out by a sneak motorcycle attack and his demise is left largely off screen. I just thought that if you’re going to devote an hour and a half to showing how badass a character is by allowing him to physically and emotionally break Batman, don’t sweep his demise under the rug

As much as Chris Nolan is a master at leading his audience to exactly where he wants them to be, he can hurt himself by making things a little too obvious. There was a lot of talk of this being the first batman to ever die on film. This lead to countless internet speculation about whether or not he really was going to kill Batman. Throughout the movie it was a common theme. Alfred gives what seems like five separate ten minute monologues to Bruce Wayne during this movie about how he doesn’t have to fight anymore and that he’s going to die for no reason besides his own pride. It incepted the notion into viewers heads that “hey, we might be right- batman might die at the end of this”. I would have been fine with that, finally seeing one of the greatest heroes of all time sacrificing his life to finally be free. I loved that idea but Nolan couldn’t leave it at that. He had to poke and prod and lead us to the exact opposite. In the end (which is very much the same as the Avengers)Batman takes a nuclear time bomb that is someway unstoppable, away from civilization to help save everybody/Gotham. Throughout the film Batman’s new flying vehicle “The Bat” has had problems with the auto pilot. They mentioned the damn auto pilot no less than ten times. HMMM I WONDER IF THE AUTO PILOT IS GOING TO BE IMPORTANT??? And yes, of course instead of thinking Batman actually died, I came to the conclusion that he probably figured out how to do auto pilot. But granted this was a stretch for me and everyone else because of how much Nolan set it up that Batman could/would die. At least I had worry that the cowled one would perhaps perish.

In closing, I know I am harsh  on this film, but then again you are always the harshest on those you expect the most from. I don’t put all the blame on the film itself, I have to put some of it on myself for going in with unreachable expectations. I wrote this article before I got a chance to see it for the second time, which may sway my feelings elsewhere but for now I feel like a parent.

Not mad, just disappointed.

-Miggs

Miggs is the 2 man weave's perma-frat boy

Ballin On The Keyboard- Moe Harkless

(photo courtesy of @bochurney)

Ballin on the Keyboards is a new feature here at the Weave which aims to shine light on basketball players whose social media actions catch our eye. This debut post features Moe Harkless, a rookie swing man for the Philadelphia 76ers, who along with the rest of the internet, celebrates #sadderday. Sadderday is a day to be fake sad, typically on a Saturday, over random, trivial events that have happened in your life, or in the hopes of gaining affection from the opposite sex. It was brought to my attention by the immortal @iDisrespectHoez, and it is a celebration that I’ve been partaking in for the past eight weeks.

Despite not yet playing in an NBA game, Harkless has already gained Twitter fame from the the above meme, a play on words from the popular Kanye West song "Heartless".  It may be early on in his career, but it's safe to say that Moe is already a good act to follow.

-fresh (@danye33)

Got an NBA player who you think is Ballin on the Keyboard? Shoot me a line at dan.chiavetta@gmail.com

Eric Thomas, The Hip-Hop Preacher, Taking You Into The Weekend

"When you want succeed as bad as you want to breath, then you'll be successful."


Some words of wisdom for you guys to take you into the weekend. We'll be back at full strength on Monday.

-fresh (@danye33)

A Comedian You Should Know- Louis C.K.

Readers of The Weave rejoice! Your boy Miggs is back and I'm here to reclaim my title as the the site's Perma-Frat boy with my new segment, appropriately titled, "A Comedian You Should Know". Comedy has always been a huge part of my life ever since I decided that Timon and Pumba were my favorite characters in "The Lion King" because they were funny and most importantly the first interracial/species gay couple. Although my comedic appetite has grown and evolved since then, one rule has stuck with me. No matter how wrong it may feel to say or do, if it's funny, it will make it ok. This is partially how I got through pledging pretty unscathed because I knew no matter what had to be done, if I made the brothers laugh they would stop what they were doing and bother somebody else. This is the main reason I've began venturing into a possible career path where I make people laugh for a living, whether it be writing for the weave for venturing into the world of stand up in New York City. For this particular feature I will be breaking down and granting the readers of the Weave with a weekly look at some of the greatest comedians of today and yesteryear, along with some of their best bits.

Deciding who to write this first article about was challenging. Do I go old school with one of the innovators like Pryor or Carlin? Do I try and look cool by showing a comedian that no one has heard of but whom I feel will be huge some day? But after much thought and deliberation I decided to get this party stared by picking somebody that has the comedic world by the balls, a guy who young comedians look up too, a master(bater) of his craft, if you will. One person came to mind right off the bat, and man was Louis C.K., who is quite possibly the biggest comedian out there right now. Louie's most recent special "Louis C.K. Live At The Beacon Theatre" has mad waves in the comedy community because he single handedly produced his one hour special and released it to the public for only $5 a pop. The special blew up and his sales climbed immdiently. With one special he forever changed the way comedians distribute their material to the world. Besides that, Louis is one of the funniest stand up's out there. He uses the audience as a near confessional as he spills his guts and his instinctual, all be it disgusting, impulses. What makes him great is he's not afraid to commit to these gross impulses that all of us (mostly dudes) have. His content ranges from his thoughts on gay marriage to what his marriage was and now what it is like to be a rich single father. He is that lovable, awkward, loser that we just want to root for. 

Most people associate Louie as being that "dirty" comedian. And although is material is certainly intended for mature audiences, he doesn't just get up there and curse because it shocks people. I truly believe that he could be the guy who could mainstream the "C" word into the national lexicon by just talking about it and taking the stigma away. His show Louie (Thursday, FX), in which he writes, edits and directs nearly every episode, is a great testament of just how talented of a film maker this guy really is. Louie's ability to take the slow and mundane happenings of everyday life and shed light on what we all really want to say and feel makes this guy one of the all time greats. 

Just as a side note for how amazing this guy is, he once did a (fictional) interview in which he defended the act of Masturbation against a young woman from CAM- 'Chirstians against Masturbation." This girl gets on and talks about how we ruin our purity every time we tug one out. She then goes on to say that god watches over everything we do including a married couple having sex. Louis then responded by saying "So we're like porn for god, he watches us have sex and then he probably masturbates."

When deciding on a defning bit to take from his huge collection of hits, I wanted to find one that ecompesses his ablity to break down simple social situations but also one that makes you just want something to go right for this poor man. So here are two that I could not decide between.

The first one is " Worlds Saddest Hand Job." Louie describes in depth what married life can do to you and your partners sex drive and how it can effect everybody.

The second is his description of a deploraple statement that is bestowed upon him after he cuts someone off.

Louie is touring this year all over and only charging $45 a ticket, and more importantly he sold the tickets himself directly from his website (No surcharge- in yo face Ticketmaster!). And if you don't think that's a steal, comparatively going to see Carrot Top do stand up, or lift weights, or free base crack cocaine it'll run you $88 big ones. For more info on Louie the Great, check out his website. Next week, I break down a comedian who has broken the racial barrier between what black people find funny and what white people find funny. 

-MIGGZ

Dear Summer, I Know You Gone Miss Chi

That's right folks, the Weave will be going on a week long hiatus while I soak up the sun (and rum) and in beautiful South Carolina. If anything major happens I'll be able to get my hands on a computer, but for the most part it should be a slow week (baseball, pre-Olympics, Dwight drama) so we shouldn't be missing much.

On a separate note, I would like to take this time now to thank you, the readers, once again for your continued support of my site. I know I've said it before but if it wasn't for you guys, this would be nothing more than a journal.

Also- if you're interested in writing for the 2MW, shoot me an e-mail at dan.chiavetta@gmail.com, I'm always looking for new frames of reference to broaden our readers perspectives. Things are going to be heating up in August with Football right around the corner so now is the time to get on board.

Here's to hoping I don't get sun poisoning again!

-fresh (@danye33)

The Knicks Are Prehistoric

With the post-Linsanity era officially underway in New York, it's time to come to grips with the fact that this team will essentially be heading into the 2012-13 season with a roster full of dinosaurs. There are wavering accounts on why the Knicks decided not to match Houston's offer sheet for Lin, varying from financial (didn't want to absorb the luxury hit in 2014) to personal (they felt betrayed that Jeremy, a free agent not under contract by any team, would go "behind their back" to work out a deal that garnered him the most lucrative offer possible) to downright childish (some reports say Dolan didn't like the fact that Lin didn't suit up in the playoffs when he was at "85%"). I was part of the camp that felt strongly about not letting young, valuable assets walk for free, and at the very least thought they should have matched the offer and traded him immediately for some young talent or draft picks. But I digress..

With that botched opportunity to move forward with a young point guard now in the rear view mirror, it is now time to focus on the players the Knicks do have under contract for the upcoming season. The first thing that jumps out when you look at the Knicks roster (besides their absurd salaries) is age. Second year guard Iman Shumpert is the only player on this team under the age of twenty seven years old, and he's currently rehabbing a torn ACL.

But how did the Knicks get so old? 

So glad you asked! Despite the fact that each team is granted two draft picks per season in an attempt to build around young players with cap-friendly contracts, the Knicks have managed trade away nearly every  player whom they've selected. Most of the times they end up trading the pick before it's even made. Let's take a look at the past six draft classes and see where things have gone wrong for Knickerbockers.

2007- Drafted Wilson Chandler with the 23rd pick in the draft, traded him in 2011 to Denver. Traded their 2008 2nd round pick for Demetris Nichols, the 53rd pick in the '07 draft who got cut before the season started.

2008- Drafted Danilo Gallinari 6th overall over future max contract guys like Eric Gordon and Brook Lopez. Trade Gallo to Denver in 2011 as part of the Carmelo Anthony deal. No second round picks.

2009- Drafted Jordan Hill 8th overall over rising stars like Brandon Jennings, Gerald Henderson, DeMar DeRozan and Ty Lawson. Hill averaged 4 points in 24 games for NY before being traded to Houston in a three team deal that saw the Knicks part ways with Hill, Jeffries and a 2012 first round pick for Sergio Rodriguez, Tracy McGrady and the pipe dream of having enough cap space to sign LeBron James and other marquee free agents in the summer of 2010. The Knicks also traded their 2011 second round pick for Tony Douglas (#29 overall) but traded him this past summer in a deal for 38 year old Marcus Camby.

2010- No first round pick thanks to the Stephon Marbury trade from six years ago. Drafted Landry Fields and Andy Routins with the 36th & 37th picks. Fields ended up being First-Team All Rookie Team but left for Toronto this summer after New York decided not to match the Raptors back-loaded offer. Rautins was traded to Dallas as part of the Tyson Chandler deal in December of 2011.

2011- Drafted Iman Shumpert with the 17th pick in the draft. He is currently sidelined with a torn ACL. No second round picks. Traded for Josh Harrellson (#45) who lasted one shortened season before being traded to Houston (along with a future second round pick).

2012- No first round pick (the aforementioned T-Mac trade). The #16 overall pick that once belonged to New York ends up being Royce White, the skilled big man out of Iowa State. Drafted Kostas Papanikolaou with the 48th pick, promptly trading his rights to Portland in exchange for Raymond Felton and Kurt Thomas. Also included in the deal were Jeffries, Gadzuric, Printezis and 2 more future second round picks.

So if you were wondering why the Knicks are heading into this season with a mean roster age of 30.4 years old, now you know. And let us not forget that the Knicks will also be without their 2014 first round draft pick (Melo trade) to go along with the 3 future second rounders they gift wrapped away this summer for Felton/Camby/Thomas.

I just hope the newly renovated Garden comes with wheel chair ramps.

-fresh (@danye33)

Dan is a disgruntled Knicks fan & editor in chief of the 2 man weave

Save Your Money, Don't See "Savages"

Look, I’m not here to shit on anyone’s work of art. However, being the man of the people that I am, I do feel a certain responsibility to inform readers of what is and isn’t worth their time (and $12). Savages falls into the latter category. Here’s a somewhat brief synopsis of what goes does down. It should be noted that this entire blog post be regarded as a spoiler alert.

First things first- Blake Lively (“O” in the movie) has two boyfriends, who are totally cool with sharing her and living together as one happy couple trio. In a movie that featured a Mexican drug cartel get taken down by a botanist and an Iraqi war vet, I found this to be the most unrealistic part of the film. The two boyfriends (Chon and Ben) claim to love her unconditionally, while she takes turns, taking them. For example, Chon "fucks" her while Ben "makes love" to her. Though the closest we get to an actual three way is a 33% THC induced group makeout session.

Chon, the aforementioned Iraqi/Afghan war vet, is the brass of the Laguna Beach duo's grow operation, and Ben, the botanist/hippie, acts as the brains. It should be noted that their million dollar operation got started when Chon snuck home weed seeds from Afghanistan that were apparently the "best in the world".

The most insufferable aspect of this movie was that it was narrated by an off-screen Lively, who forces more cheesy dialogue than a Domino's Pizza commercial (because, you know, Domino's had a bunch of products that prominently feature cheese). This was never more apparent than when she talked about weed. "Kush" is their strain of choice, and she lets that be known by referring to it as such close to thirty times. My other beef with the narration was the shameless, force-fed use of the films title "Savages" throughout the movie. I laughed each time I heard it.

The Mexican drug cartel in this film is led by the drop dead gorgeous Salma Hyack, who inherited this position as boss lady after her husband and twin sons were murdered some time ago. Their weed operation isn't doing to well, so they decide to do what any ruthless, Mexican gang leader would do and amicably propose a three year partnership with "indie growers" Ben & Chon to join their operation and teach them their growing “secrets”.

Only our protagonist say no, and the next day their girlfriend O is kidnapped. This leads to the boys on a wild goose chase to come up with $15 million to "buy" her back. One way that they decide to make some cash is by robbing the Cartel after one of their desert drop-offs. To do this they use IED's and rocket launchers (become Chon's military bros have his back yo!), but even after the score they still find themselves short. 

John Travolta plays a corrupt DEA agent who cannot be taken seriously at all during any point in this film (and no, not just because every time I saw him on screen I imagined him exposing himself at a masseuse). He plays for both sides, gets big timed in his own home by one of the Mexicans (Del Toro) and even gets stabbed in the hand by Chon without so much as a retaliation punch. Eventually he agrees to give up the location of Hyack's daughter, a college student conveniently located in Cali who wants nothing to do with her mother's empire.

The boys successfully kidnap the co-ed, set up a Skype chat to show the Mexicans that the tables have turned, and the two sides agree to meet up on an Indian Reservation to do the old switcheroo. The ensuing trade off in the film's final scene predictably turns bloody and leaves everyone dead, including Chon and O via suicide, so that the trio can die together "the way it was meant to be". Only after the scenes completion we hear Lively's voice tell us that isn't how it really went down and the movie re-racks to right before the exchange was made. Instead, Travolta's group of cops come barging in to arrest the bad guys, leaving Chon, Ben and O to live happily ever creating fresh drinking water pipelines somewhere in Indonesia.

I wish I was kidding. 

Savages tries way too hard to come off as a 2000's rendition of Scarface-with-weed and they fail miserably. After an hour and a half my girlfriend gave up on the movie and began playing around on her iPhone, and you know what? I couldn't even blame her. I didn't even touch on the corny background music which looped throughout, or the pointless rape scene that we found out about an hour after it took place in the movie or the part where Travolta's wife was apparently dying of cancer (a fact that they mentioned no fewer than four times, yet failed to show her on screen once). The highlight of this movie was when the end credits rolled.

So please, save your money. Or burn it. Just whatever you do, don't go see this movie. When you're watching it at 4 in the morning on FX in three years you'll thank me.&

-fresh (@danye33)

Must See YouTube Video Of The Week- "That Gotye Song"

"With the amount that this is played, this should be our national anthem."

-fresh (@danye33)

(via TWSS/reddit)

The Jeremy Lin Conundrum

For better or worse, the Knicks have managed to make quite a few headlines this summer. Their off-season got underway when they drafted Kostas Papanikolaou, a swingman from Greece, with the 48^th pick in June’s draft over hometown favorites such as Kyle O’Quinn and Kevin Jones.  That pick was about as highly scrutinized as it gets when it comes to late second rounders, but ultimately, all was forgiven and forgotten.

The Knicks then took care of business by resigning social network extraordinaire and occasional photographer of the female anatomy, J.R. Smith, for the bargain basement contract of 2yr/5.6mil. An extremely fair price for a player who should start this fall, and at the very least can get you a quick twelve points off the bench with ease. This was an essential move for the Knicks, who refused to match the ludicrous offer Toronto threw at Landry Fields, 3yr/20mil, in their attempt to cock block New York from pulling off a sign and trade for Steve Nash.  The signing ended up being for naught, after the Suns dealt the All Star point guard to their rivals, the Los Angeles Lakers, for a pair of first round draft picks (LOL Canada!). With Shumpert coming off an ACL tear, Smith will have full control over his playing time destiny.

Next to re-sign was sharp shooter Steve Novak, who despite leading the league in 3P% last year, cost himself upwards of eight million dollars by going threeless in the Knicks five playoff games verse Miami.  

Then came the acquisition of Jason Kidd, who they wooed away from Dallas to the tune of 3yr/9mil. Kidd is the second member of that storied 2011 championship Mavericks team to flee for the Big Apple, following in the footsteps of the league’s reigning Defensive Player of the Year, Tyson Chandler. Kidd was brought on board to provide veteran leadership, 3-point shooting and to serve as a mentor for whatever young(er) point guard suits up alongside him in the Garden this season.

What transpired next was a homecoming of sorts that saw the Knicks bring back three former fan favorites. First they traded Jorts (Josh Harrelson), Jerome Jordon, Tony Douglas and a pair of future 2^nd round picks for 38-year-old Marcus Camby, a lanky center who last played for New York over a decade ago. Then came a sign-and-trade deal with the Blazers that saw the Knicks part ways with yet another 2^nd round pick (who needs young players anyway!), Jared Jeffries, Dan Gadzuric and the rights to Georgios Printezis and the aforementioned Kostas Papanikolaou for journeyman bruiser Kurt Thomas and Raymond Felton. Felton first came to New York in the fall of 2010, where he acted as the catalyst for the Knicks early season success, averaging 17 points and 9 assists per game. He was having an All-Star season and the Knicks were playing above .500 ball before he was dealt in the February 2011 mega-trade with Denver for Carmelo Anthony. His game/diet have never been the same since.

With the additions of Kidd, Felton and 35-year-old rookie Pablo Prigioni, it would certainly seem like the Knicks are gearing up for life after Lin in their backcourt. The restricted free agent has already signed off on a back-loaded 3yr/25mil contract with the Houston Rockets, that would see the undrafted icon earn a starting salary of $5 million in each of his first two seasons, followed by an unprecedented (and arguably undeserved) $14.98 million in the 2014-15 season. The Knicks have until midnight Tuesday evening to decide whether or not they are going to let Linsanity walk or commit themselves to another trip to luxury tax hell.

The first offer Houston put on the table was a four-year deal that would have paid Lin $5 million in years one and two and $10 million in years three and four. That contract still would have paid Lin a million dollars for every meaningful NBA game he’s ever played (Jeremy played in 25 games for the Knicks last season), but at the very least it would have been justifiable. The cap hit would have been far less severe, and Dolan would have had an easier job absorbing it.

Only a source tells me that after New York made it clear that they would match any and all offers for the highly coveted point guard last week,  Lin boarded a private jet to meet with Houston management in Vegas, where the two sides worked out this most recent three year offer. It was both a sneaky and smart move for the Harvard businessman. He’s not under contract with the Knicks anymore, therefore he’s one hundred percent in the right for seeking out the most money possible, by any means necessary.

The reason New York didn’t offer Lin a contract initially was because they didn’t want to get into a bidding war with themselves, knowing full well that they would have the opportunity to match any offer that came his way. So you can’t fault New York for allowing Houston to make the first move. In fact, the Gilbert Arenas provision was put into place to make it easier for teams to retain second round draft picks or players who went undrafted altogether, so that a player like Lin couldn’t be swayed away by a team with more cap room. Because of this rule, no team was allowed to offer Lin a starting salary of more than $5 million for the first two years of the deal. But after year two is when things get tricky, and from then on everything is fair game. Hence Houston’s $15 million dollar Godfather offer to Lin. It’s the same kind of back-loaded deal the Rockets just used to successfully steal Omer Asik from the Bulls, ditto with Fields to the Raptors.

Now the question becomes just how much is a player like Jeremy Lin worth to your franchise? If the Knicks decide to match Houston’s offer, it would end up costing them nearly $58 million dollars to acquire Lin’s services in that dreaded year three (2014-15). With three players already committed to max deals that expire after that season (A’mare, Carmelo, Tyson), adding Lin’s max year to the equation would leave them with no roster flexibility and in severe debt. The first $5 million of Lin’s deal, provided it’s over the cap, would be taxed at a 2.75 to 1 ratio. The next $5 million would be taxed at a 2.75 to 1 ratio and the remaining $4.8 million would be taxed at a 3.5 to 1 ratio. In total, that’s $57.85 million for one “Linning” year, $43 million of that going straight to luxury tax payments.

Now all of those numbers are contingent upon the fact that the Knicks will be over the cap when the 2014 season starts, which realistically, yes they will be. Incompetent owners tend to fail to plan ahead, as Dolan has illustrated time and time again. Only this problem could easily be avoiding by trading any of their four massive would-be expiring contracts, which in the NBA is the equivalent to solid gold. Nobody loves an expiring contract more than a team looking to rebuild, and with the league getting more and more top heavy, that’s just about everybody.

So is Jeremy Lin worth $58 million dollars? As a basketball player, probably not. But then again there are some things you can’t put a price tag on. For example, how much is the loyalty, spending money and rooting interest of an entire continents fan base worth to your organization? This is a guy who made the New York Giants irrelevant on the back page of the Sports section TWO DAYS AFTER THEY WON THE SUPER BOWL! Jeremy Lin rescued an 8-14 team and turned them into must see TV. He was the reason Time Warner and MSG finally got their act together and stopped blacking out Knicks games. He’s the reason New Yorkers started caring about basketball again. He gave this city hope.

And that is something you can’t put a price tag on.

-fresh (@danye33)

Dan is the Editor in Chief of the 2 Man Weave

Lakers Fans Give Steve Nash A Beer On The Freeway

This video is so awesome it's almost too good to be true. Just a rag tag group of frat bro's, bro'ing out on the freeway, drinking Keystone Light and acting like absolute animals, dishing out brew's to the Lake Show's newest point guard. Like I can't believe Nash took the beer, video taped the entire ordeal and then had the wherewithal to absolutely NAIL the tag line into the camera.

"The fans have been pretty good so far"

P.S. Keystone needs to make Steve Nash their spokesmen and they needed to do it yesterday. This is the first time their beer has been part of anything cool since that hunt for the orange can contest they did a few years back.

-fresh (@danye33)

Seeing Jessica Simpson Post-Pregnancy Just Made Me Reconsider My Entire Life Plan

(EN) Jessica Simpson is still struggling with her body image after dealing with her pregnancy weight gain. The new mum gained around 60lb during her pregnancy, and according to a source who spoke to the American edition of OK! Magazine “she feels like crawling under a rock, she feels so fat.” According to the source, self esteem issues are getting in the way of Jessica's relationship with fiance Eric Johnson. “She's convinced herself that he's losing interest because she's not hot any more,” the source says.

"She's convinced herself she's not hot anymore", well you don't say! Jesus Christ this is depressing as fuck. I used to start pants fires to this chick on a daily basis and now when I look at her my penis literally disappears inside my body. But the bigger issue at hand (no pun intended) is that pregnancy can turn a woman who once looked like this, into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. I once had high hopes and dreams of raising a bunch of mini-Danye's, showing them R rated movies at way too young an age, shooting hoops in the backyard, the works. But after seeing what happened to Jessica Simpson, I just don't know if that's the smart play anymore. Is it really worth it to reproduce if you're going to be left with 60 lbs worth of extra baggage? I didn't even gain close to that during my time at Cortland, which as my friends can attest to, doubled as the least healthy four year stretch of any persons life, ever. Maybe adoption is the way to go?

And before you call me an asshole/shallow- watch this video and take a look at what once was. 

**UPDATE (12.:23 pm)** 

2 man weave reader Keytwitty chimed in on twitter saying that "fat jessica simpson is a black man's dream!" so it should be noted that I don't expect all readers to share the same viewpoints/taste that I have, but regardless, she's still a whole lotta woman!

-fresh (@danye33)

Let Danny Utes Get You Drunk This Saturday

God knows I've already whored this event out enough over on the old 'book, but for those of you who aren't Facebook friends with me, I'll be making my bartending debut this Saturday night over at Johnny Utah's from 9-12 (51st between 5th/6th ave). It's going to be an absolute shitshow and $20 will get you unlimited beer/wine/well mixes from 9-11. So come on out and get drunk, make a fool of yourself, ride the bull and get laid. And if we get a good enough turnout I could parlay this in to a full time gig, which would be nice considering I make exactly zero dollars off of this blog.

Now I know that at these all you can drink bar parties you're "technically" only allowed to order one drink at a time, but for any 2MW fan who comes up to me and orders their drink while saying "Utah, gimmie two" you can rest assured your ass will have two drinks in your hand by the time you walk away from that bar.



See you savages Saturday!

-fresh (@danye33)

James Harden's Instagram Account Hacked, Remains A Thunder

At about 6 pm yesterday evening a mysterious photo was posted from the NBA’s 6^th Man of the Year and noted Bleacher Report trade pawn James Harden’s Instagram account (jharden13). The photo in question read “JUST FOUND OUT I GOT TRADED TO THE HORNETS… I’LL MISS OKC”. 

Now I was immediately skeptical because sans unibrow (who’s untouchable) New Orleans has absolutely no one worth trading  for. Twitter immediately began blowing up with tweets of “Harden to the Hornets!” and like wildfire the rumor went viral.

Not long after, the tweet was erased with no explanation, and the following reassuring picture was posted from Harden’s account.

And just like that order was restored in the Thunder universe. But it still begs the question of who got their hands on Harden’s phone? It could have been some sort of rookie hazing prank by one of the senior members of the Dream Team? After all, they are currently practicing together out in Vegas, and how funny would it have been if Kobe went into the Beard’s locker and sent that out while he showered? More importantly, how great is it that even after landing Anthony Davis and Austin Rivers, the Hornets are still the punch lines of all basketball related jokes?

We may never know who hacked Harden, but we do know that he’ll be suiting up in OKC next season, and that’s all that really matters anyway. 

-fresh (@danye33)

"Opening Act" Debuts Tonight On E!

Opening Act is a new show premiering on E! tonight (10 pm E/P) which takes popular, yet unsigned, musical acts from YouTube, and gives them the once in a lifetime opportunity of opening up for various A-list acts in their genre such as Lady Gaga, Rod Stewart, LMFAO, Brad Paisley and Jason Mraz. Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe ("American Idol," "So You Think You Can Dance") teamed up with E! for this new music reality series and it is already being dubbed as the network's highest budgeted program ever. It's a unique premise, one that perfectly represents the strong DIY culture, especially when you consider the reach and influence YouTube has had on the music industry as a whole. I for one will be checking this show out, but why should you?

Well it's funny that you ask- see 2MW contributor John Fontanelli (better known on the weave as J-Font) has been working on this show for the past several months as a production assistant out in Los Angeles. Here's his take on why you should give Opening Act a chance. 

"Opening Act is different from the typical music shows on TV because there's no competition or judging. It takes average people with a love for music, grooms them for success, and then puts them on stage with the most prominent artists and performers of their genre. It takes the excitement of a hidden camera show, the inspiration of a makeover show, and the energy and electricity of a music show, and blends them to create something truly unique and authentic."

Consider yourself sold.

-fresh (@danye33)

Awesome 80's Songs You May Have Forgotten- Violent Femmes "Blister In The Sun"

Not going to lie, I was down right shocked when I found out this song was from the 80's. I heard this song on my way to work this morning and was all set on kicking the week off with a little Awesome 90's Songs You May Have Forgotten. Good thing I fact checked (wiki'd the song) only to find out that it's actually from 1983. Regardless, it's a great tune, and thus "Awesome 80's Songs You May Have Forgotten" was born.

Funny story about this song- back in 2002 my cousin graduated from Georgetown University. It was a beautiful ceremony and the ensuing party that followed was a blast. A certain family member who will remain nameless provided me with a couple of rum and cokes, and shortly afterwards another cousin and I began carousing and eventually found ourselves an unoccupied campus golf cart with the keys sitting in the ignition. Needless to say we took it for a whirl, and somewhere along our journey I remember hearing this song blasting as loud as possible off in the distance. I was convinced that the Violent Femmes themselves were preforming this song somewhere on campus, so I took off on foot to try and find the concert.

I never could pin point the building that the sound was coming from, but for years I would go on to tell people that the Violent Femmes played a concert at Georgetown on grad weekend and that I could hear it from outside. It's only now, ten years later, that I'm starting to realize it was probably just some grad party playing the song really, really loud.

Oh well, made for a good story all these years.

-fresh (@danye33)

This song was also featured in a 2012 commercial for Hewlett Packard which featured a group of nuns clapping to a song about heroin and jerking off. Sweet!

Drunk Dude Serenades His Cat With A Horizontal Rendition Of The "Batman Forever" Theme Song

Damn, Seal hasn't been done this much of a disservice since Heidi gave him his walking papers.

-fresh (@danye33)

Weave Gotcha Covered- Jon Bellion "The Motto"

Much like its predecessors Music Videos That Don't Suck and Awesome 90's Songs You May Have Forgotten, Weave Gotcha Covered is a (fairly) new music feature we've been putting out from time to time to shine some light on our favorite musical covers.  This installment features Jon Bellion covering Drake and Lil Wayne's 2011 mega-hit "The Motto". You know, the song that enlightened millions of teens to the fact that (gasps!) you only live once? Although the 2 Man Weave officially declared YOLO dead back in March, Bellion's rendition has provided this song with the life support it so desperately needed. Our friends over at TWSS posted this version yesterday and I've probably listened to it close to ten times since. I like how you're able to make out each word of the song over those soft piano keys, however I'm going to have to put Jon's man card on double secret probation for laughing like a little girl at the 2:11 mark rather than singing Wayne's ultra graphic line about drowning in vaginal fluids and swimming to butt holes for safety. 


P.S. "Wrsit blang, got a condo up in Biscayne, still getting brain from a thang, ain't shit changed" still kills me every time I hear it. No clue why, I just genuinely enjoy that line. 

-fresh (@danye33)

#nosandusky

J.R. Smith is like Matthew Mcconaughey in Dazed and Confused, it doesn't matter how old he gets, he will always dominate whatever social media tool he chooses to grace with his thumbs with. Most recently Smith took to Instagram over the weekend to showcase himself in a picstiched photo wearing a Devils snap back, some Jordan's, a gold chain and a red polka dot backpack. Now the picture itself was nothing out of the ordinary, NBA players routinely take and post selfies, but it was J.R.'s choice of hashtags that turned heads. He concluded his comment with a #nosandusky tag, which prompted a twenty minute discussion between my friends and I on how he intended #nosandusky to be interpreted. Was he feeling self conscious that his wardrobe, specifically his backpack, may have been giving off a child molester vibe? Did he want it to be known that despite posing for solo iPhone pics he has no intention of raping young boys? Or was it because he was wearing a Devils hat and Jerry Sandusky quite possibly may have been the devil reincarnated? The possibilities are endless, and the Weave will continue to monitor this development (stalk his Insta feed). In the meantime, let's get this shit trending!

Oh, and for old times sake- Damn you @TheRealTahiry!


-fresh (@danye33)