Admittedly, I had been out of the fast food game pretty much all of 2012. That is until a seventeen hour round trip-road trip from Rochester, New York to Seabrook, South Carolina reacquainted me with a few of my old favorite stomping grounds. Not going to lie, it felt good to temporarily go back to my old ways. After all, everyone knows that all diets and morals get thrown out the window when you’re on a road trip. Options are limited and southerners love fast food, so I gladly got with the culture and dove head first some greasy burgers whenever the opportunity presented itself.
Now if you’ve ever had the pleasure of sharing a meal with me, then you would know that ketchup holds a place very near and dear to my heart. I’m a dipper through and through, so it should go without saying that every trip to the drive-thru ends with a plea from your boy for as much extra sauce as possible. Only this time when I checked my bag, I was surprised to see that instead of your typical ketchup packet, I had been given this new Heinz “Dip & Squeeze” invention.
On paper this sounded great- higher KPP (ketchup per packet ratio), more versatile and allegedly less messy. But just like the Philadelphia Eagles can attest to,
games meals aren’t won on paper, they’re won in stomachs and on the
lack-their-of stains on your wardrobe.
This creation defines the phrase “doing too much”. For starters, if you opt for the “dip” method, you better have prepared yourself by bringing along the Jaws of Life. I swear it took Andy less effort to get out of jail in Shawshank than it took me to rip open this puppy. And once you do get the top off, it’s damn near impossible to complete a clean rip all the way, so you’re left with the 2 inches of ketchup covered plastic dangling off one end of the packet. This essentially doubles your chances of spilling on your pants, car, copy of 50 Shades of Grey, etc.
The above ad also boasts that the “Squeeze” option gives you pin-point accuracy, but it neglects to tell you that it’ll also give you a chipped tooth. I tried ripping that end off for a solid minute before I gave up and went all bath salts on it and started ripping away with my mouth.
In the end though, the casualties were minor and the food was still delicious. However I will leave you guys with this brief, yet effective, message for the Heinz Tomato Ketchup company:
Know your damn role, and shut your damn mouth.