Thursday, January 3, 2013

Hater's Guide To The 2013 NFL Playoffs

(Ed note: I know Hater's Guides are Magary's shtick, but I figured I'd try my best to emulate our generations Silky Johnson with this years NFL playoff teams)

With fantasy football in the rear view mirror and the Giants season flushed down the toilet faster than a street carnival gold fish, I've found myself without a rooting interest heading into the '13 playoffs. To help cope with my lack of emotions regarding who hoists up the Lombardi Trophy, I've decided to dish out my very own dose of hate on the remaining twelve teams and tell you why not a single one of them deserves to dethrone Big Blue.

Cincinnati Bengals

Because their quarterback looks like Ron Weasley. Because they employ Adam "Pac Man" Jones. Because I'm petitioning to change "God Hates Cleveland" to "God Hates Ohio". Because its bullshit that a state just slightly more populated than Manhattan inexplicably decides who our President is every four years. Because "swing state" was and always will be the most annoying, overused, political phrase ever uttered.

Houston Texans

Because Arian Foster hates your fantasy football team. Because this team pissed away a chance at home field advantage in the playoffs like a drunken hobo. Because the Patriots sodomized them on national television and they haven't looked, or walked, the same since. Because Matt Schaub looks like your high school gym teacher. Because I'm 85% sure J.J. Watt is robotic. Because "Don't Mess With Texas" is the dumbest fucking motto in the universe behind "Git'r Done!"

Indianapolis Colts

Because rebuilding processes should last more than one goddamn season. Because it's not fair that when it's all said and done this franchise will have had a 25 year stretch in which they employed a top 5 quarterback. Because Marvin Harrison never caught flack for being one of the biggest scumbags in the league. Because they lost to the Jaguars. Because their punter once got arrested midseason for drunkenly jumping in a freezing cold river.


Baltimore Ravens

Because Ray Lewis just had to pick NOW to announce that he's retiring after this season (Sunday). Because people seem to forget that Ray Lewis was once arrested for murder. Because Joe Flacco is not an elite quarterback, no matter how many times he keeps telling himself he is. Because they refuse to run the ball (Ray Rice finished 13th in carries this season despite not missing a single game). Because I masturbated so hard to Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Season" my hands bled.

New England Patriots

Because every fahkin guy in Bawston would happily get on their knees to orally pleasure Tawmmm Brady. Because 18-1 is the same as 0-16. Because Spy Gate. Because Boston sports fans are notoriously racist. Because Boston fans booed Adam Vinatieri, a guy who single-legedly won them two Super Bowls. Because Danny Woodhead looks like a hobbit. Helmet catch.

Denver Broncos

Because John Elway looks like a horse. Because they ran Jesus Christ's son out of town mere months after he won them a playoff game. Because I can't believe the Peyton Manning gamble actually paid off. Because kids in Colorado can't wear Manning jerseys to school because of 18th Street Gang. Because its not fair that their fans get to legally smoke weed while watching their team play and I can't. Von Miller's player profile picture.

Minnesota Vikings

Because Leslie Frazier is a pussy and could have given AP one last shot to break the record by running it in for a touchdown versus the Packers (9 seconds left, 10 yards out, still had one timeout). Because I'm still pissed I wasn't invited aboard Fred Smoot's Love Boat. Because this team would be 10x better had they instead drafted Andy Dalton or Colin Kaepernick over Christian Ponder in the '11 draft. Because two years ago the roof of their stadium collapsed. Because not enough people refer to them as the Purple Helmet Warriors. Brett Favre dick pics.

Green Bay Packers

Because their inbred fans are getting their own reality series. Because the fact that they're a "publicly owned team" is the biggest scam since Enron. Because this team will forever be cursed by the replacement refs. Because eventually you're going to need some kind of rushing attack to keep defenses honest. Because Aaron Rodger's mustache was so incredibly rapey. Because those Greg Jennings Old Spice commercials sucked. Because the Lambo Leap is the most played out celebration in all of sports. Because their fans unironically wear cheese on their heads.

Seattle Seahawks

Because everyone and their mother on this team has been busted for PEDs. Because they were the beneficiaries of the worst call in NFL history. Because Golden Tate's post-beheading celebration after murdering Stan Lee was so douchey. Because BEEF MO is spearheading the diabetes movement. Because Matt Flynn is signed to a $20 million deal and threw for 68 yards. Because they don't get to play anymore games at home this season.

Washington Redskins

Because their team name is RAYCESS. Because Dan Synder is the worst owner in sports. Because RGIII doesn't know how to slide. Because how the fuck is Santana Moss still in the league? Because cross-dressing while wearing pig noses stopped being "funny" two decades ago. Because they're home dogs in round 1. Because this actually happened.

San Francisco 49ers

Because Colin Kaepernick has tattoos (gasps!). Because this team failed to beat the Rams TWICE. Because David Akers is Mason Crosby West. Because you can YouTube search "49ers fan fight" and find videos of their fans fighting every other fan base in the league. Because even on IR Kyle Williams will still find a way to fuck this team.

Atlanta Falcons

Because they stopped doing the "Dirty Bird" dance. Because Lisa "Left Eye" Lobes once burnt down Andre Rison's house. Because there's still some bad karma looming from Vick's dog-fighting ring. Because Michael Turner is fat. Because I put money on them at 25:1 odds to win the Super Bowl last April and I'm not that lucky. Roddy White's twitter page.

With all that being said, I'm sticking with my guns- Pats over Niners in the Super Bowl.

-fresh (@danye33)

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