Thursday, May 9, 2013

Fresh Take Mailbag, Vol. 7


Thanks to vacation and an unexpected case of the Coxsackie virus (not nerely as cool as it sounds) I had to skip last week's mailbag. But don't fret my pets (+10 internet points if you can name what 90's sitcom popularized that phrase), because this week I'm re-charged and answering questions on pressing issues like Obama's holiday shopping list, wedding proposals, who to cast in Mario Kart: the movie, and much, much more. As always, please continue to hit me with all of your wildest questions via e-mail, tweet, text or in the comment section of our Facebook Fan Page.

Now let's start the insanity!

What do you think Obama gets his secret service guys for Christmas/holidays? Obviously there's a lot of them, but you gotta figure he's on a first name basis with a few of the men and women who would take a bullet for him at a moments notice. Is it a bonus check, maybe a pair of nice tickets, maybe nothing?! 
- Hall Pass

This question intrigued me so I did a little digging and found out that the U.S. Secret Service employs approximately 3,200 special agents, 1,300 uniformed division officers and more than 2,000 technical, professional and administrative personal. So I think its safe to say that Barry O ain't springing for 5,000+ rollies each December (unless of course it was on the tax payers dime, in which case, its entirely feasible). 

Though I'd like to think that the President rewards the people who keep him safe, much the way a quarterback splurges on his offensive linemen at the end of each season, there's a big difference between literally thousands of agents and five, easy to please, big uglies. 

But just because not every special agent receives a hefty bonus around the holidays doesn't mean Obama doesn't have his personal favorites whom he rewards handsomely. I'm sure he's got a handful of elites who don't let him out of their site who he comps a few lap dances for down at Archibald's Gentlemens Club. He also probably takes care of everyone he interacts with on a daily basis like his driver, chef, secretary, cleaning lady and doorman, to name a few. I bet all unpaid interns receive the finest humidors.


After dating the same girl for 4 years and getting older and closer to becoming a real adult, what are the strong indications that its time to start saving up for the ring? And if so, what would be the most baller way to propose?
-Nick

It should first be noted that there's a big difference between becoming a real adult and making a decision to spend the rest of your life legally bonded to another human being. One involves things like buying a suit or cutting down on your marijuana use, while the other involves phrases like "til death do us part" and "if you leave, she gets half". 

But if you do feel like changing your lady's last name in the (somewhat) near future, there are a few indications to look out for. For starters- establish that this is the person you envision yourself growing old with. Once you've made that decision with one hundred percent certainty, you can then move on to the next phase which is logistics. 

This phase involves steps like saving up one to three months pay (depending on how egotistical your future wife is) and ultimately asking her father for her hand in marriage. These things do take time, so I would say there's nothing wrong with getting a head start on saving up if you think you've found "the one". Even if you're not planning on dropping the bomb for another 2-3 years, setting aside $20 a week would add up to pretty sizable amount in no time. And to think, that's like, three less Bud Lights per weekend. I think you'll manage just fine.

As far as proposals go, its not so much about "being a baller" as it is doing something your girl will love. Your idea of the perfect proposal may involve running into the ring at Wrestlemania, Rock Bottoming "The Miz" and getting down on one knee while an area full of people cheer you on, but chances are that's not what your girlfriend would want.

Think of things that she likes do, or places that have meaning to your relationship. Like re-visiting the spot you guys met, had your first kiss, etc. Sure flash mob proposals are all the rage these days, but the act of proposing should never overshadow the girl whose getting the ring. All eyes should be on her, not 600 strangers dancing to Bruno Mars.



One last word of advice- NEVER propose at a sporting event. That camera leaves you real vulnerable


Would Kevin McHale be a great player in today's NBA?
-Key


McHale had post moves for days, as well as the heart of a champion, so there's no doubt that his greatness would transcend to today's game. But after looking back at some of his stats and credentials it would be fair to say that being a part of some of those historic Celtic's squads no doubt added to his legacy. I mean he spent the prime of his career as a highly efficient 6th man, but still, a 6th man nonetheless. He also never averaged 10 rebound per game and Chris Bosh has already been selected to more All-Star games. 

His playing weight was 6'10, 210 lbs, which is forty pounds less than KG (who looks like a string bean by comparison to today's players), but I think his craftiness around the basket would more than make up for his lack of size. He shot 55% from the field for his career and led the league in shooting percentage twice so you know he was extremely efficient with the rock. And like I said, those post moves...

Insert a prime Kevin McHale into the league in 2013 and he's still the best power forward in the NBA by a long shot. Sorry K-Love, but its true. 

What is more sad?  The fact that I use body spray or the fact that I go double pits to chesty every time I use it?
-Have my babies Danye

Hey! There's nothing with using body spray...


...if you're trying to get a girl to grind with you at an 8th grade dance. 

What's your favorite activity to do during a power outage?
-Rick 



As a Knicks fan, how do you feel about former Knick David Lee going down with a season-ending injury in his first career playoff game? The guy goes 8 years without making the playoffs, and his first playoff game could potentially be his last...talk about shitty luck!
-Dan, Toronto (Ed note: this e-mail was sent two weeks ago)

It was shitty luck for David to go down so early with the spotlights on him. Especially when you consider how well the Warriors have been playing, you gotta figure this could have been Lee's time to shine. Regardless, you've got to love the heart he showed suiting up and playing for two minutes in Golden State's game 6 victory over the Nuggets, just so he could say that he contributed to his first ever playoff series win. Also, throwing Harrison Barnes out there as the small ball power forward in Lee's absence completely changed the way Karl's Nuggets tried to match up with them, giving the Dubs a huge advantage. 

One subplot to this year's playoffs that I have found to be fascinating is the number of ex-Knicks from the dark era (04-09) who have completely reinvented themselves as the focal points of successful, playoff teams. It's unfortunate that Lee got hurt, but he did make the All-Star team this year (over Splash Curry), and put the Warriors in position to be competitive in the postseason. Gallo's another guy who got hurt at the wrong time, resulting in an early exit from what was expected to be a deep playoff run in Denver. Z-Bo keeps chugging along in Memphis, putting up 20-10's like he's playing on a Nurf hoop in the basement. And perhaps no player in the league has had more meaningful moments in the first three weeks of the playoffs than Nate Robinson. He absolutely owned the Brooklyn series (23 points in the 4th quarter of Game 4, anyone?), and hasn't let up versus the defending champs. Take a look at how he closed out Game 1 on Monday:



He sure has come a long way from this

I don't have any good sports questions for you at the moment, but after watching the Remi Kart videos on Youtube, it got me thinking- who would you cast if you were in charge of making Mario Kart: the movie.   
-J

*gives standing ovation for best question in Mailbag history*

It doesn't even matter what the plot of this movie would be, you could talk me into 90 minutes of Peach and Wario doing figure 8's in a 7-11 parking lot and I'd watch that shit. And with the cast I'm about to hypothetically throw together, you'd watch too! Now lets stop wasting time and get to the characters.


Mario- Jason Biggs

Don't sleep on Biggs' acting chops. He's carried comedies with deep casts before (American Pie franchise, Saving Silverman) plus he's already reinvented himself as the face of one reincarnated 90's classic on the new, animated, rendition of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

"You saw what kind of damage he could do with a pie, but just WAIT until you see what he can do with a banana peel! Jason Biggs is Mario, in Mario Kart: the movie!"



Luigi- Michael Cera 

Cera was born to play the second fiddle. Until about five minutes ago, I had completely forgotten that he was the teen alongside Jonah Hill in Superbad. That's by no means a knock on Michael, he plays his roles to perfection and knocks every character (and occasional co-star) out of the park. But he doesn't need the spotlight on him. A few awkward interactions and some one liners are all I'm asking for out of my Luigi, and I'm HIV positive Cera will be able to deliver.


Princess Peach- Kaitlin Olson

With nine seasons of It's Always Sunny in the books, Kaitlin has proved that she's more than capable of being the only female in a hit comedy.  Which is great because Princess Peach is the only person with two X chromosomes in Mario Kart: the movie.

But hey, at least Jason Biggs is an upgrade from Lil' Kevin, the rapper from season 3's "Sweet Dee's Dating A Retarded Person", right?


Boswer- Vin Diesel 

Short? Yup. Stocky? You betcha! Hellbent on taking over the world? Ding, ding, ding! We have a Bowser. 


Toad- Seth Green

Though most of Green's work in recent years has come via voice over (Family Guy, Robot Chicken, Mad TV), I still think he's got one last Kenny Fisher performance up his sleeve. Plus we needed to find someone small enough to pass for Toad, and I'm 85% sure Seth is a legal midget.



D.K.- Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Complete no brainer. He's the only actor even remotely close to possessing D.K.'s ridiculous strength and muscle mass. I would not want to face this guy in Battle mode.




Wario- Fat Jonah Hill

Make no mistake about it, I NEED Jonah Hill to be fat when he plays Wario for me. Skinny Jonah Hill reminds me of the Holocaust and is about as useful as a triple A battery. I mean he looked pretty hefty on those boat pics with Leo, which was pretty reassuring, but can I really rely on him to stay that way throughout filming? I guess these are just the types of gambles you've got to be willing to take when you set out to make the perfect movie.



Yoshi- Blake Anderson

Don't question it, just embrace it.


-fresh (@danye33)

4 comments:

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