Thursday, May 23, 2013

Fresh Take Mailbag, Vol. 8

Hey guys- guess what? I'm growing a beard!

No, not a rapey one. A cool, manly one, like Ryan Gosling's in "The Notebook". Figured I had to pick up a new hobby besides sleeping and blogging while I work these overnight shifts, and I'm looking forward to doing my best Joaquin Phoenix in "I'm Still Here" impersonation when I finally see my friends again.

In this week's Mailbag we're talking about Amanda Bynes unique way of suggesting sex, deceased musical acts, which Gatorade flavor reigns supreme and much, much more. As always, please continue to hit me with all of your wildest questions via e-mail, tweet, text or in the comment section of our Facebook fan page.

And now, your questions!

Hey Dan-O, been out of the country and for some reason I just stumbled across how crazy Amanda Bynes is these days. "I want Drake to murder my vagina" was one of her tweets and she looks like she's had tons of plastic surgery....and had her vagina murdered by many a dude. How/when/why did this ex-Nickelodeon hotty start going all Lindsay Lohan on us?
-Bob, Thailand

I touched on the aforementioned "I want Drake to murder my vagina" tweet when it happened back in March, but aside from that I've kind of steered clear from that slow-motion train wreck that her life has become. But since you asked, I'm all for re-opening this can of worms.

Bynes' twitter account is where you can dig up most of your dirt on the former pre-teen star, and though its mostly just botox-induced (sometimes nude) seflies or shots of her duel microdermal anchors, occasionally we also get sad, confessional gems like this:

It's hard to pin point the exact moment this free-fall began, but the naked cupcake shop incident or her trio of DUI's seem like a good start. She's also hit the blogosphere for her bizarre workout methods, gym wardrobe (or lack thereof) and feud with the aforementioned Lindsay Lohan.

For a more definitive timetable of Bynes demise, check out this re-cap from Caity Weaver over at Gawker. And for a clip of Bynes in happier times, check out her stand up set as a 10 year old in '96.

Your thoughts on that co-worker who feels it is necessary to retrieve bottles and cans from the office recycle bins on their way out at the end of their shift?
-Ski, Rochester

Are you sure we're talking about a co-worker here and not oh, I don't know, that homeless man who lives in the park? I make close to babysitter wages at my job, and would never hesitate to throw out a bottle or can, as opposed to dragging it all the way home with me for the five cents refund. So the fact that you know and work with people who do this absolutely boggles my mind. I'm all for recycling, but I would never take a stranger's trash home with me, ESPECIALLY not from work.

The next time you see this happen please document it and I'll gladly throw it up one the Weave. Unless he/she is saving up for to pay for a life saving medical procedure for someone they love, then it's perfectly within your rights to publicly ridicule them.

Once and for all, please settle the debate over which flavor of Gatorade is the best flavor of Gatorade.

There's only two possibly answers here and it basically comes down to a battle of old school versus new school, Lemon Lime versus Glacier Freeze. My go-to is the Glacier for a variety of reasons- it's aesthetically pleasing, tastes awesome and the name alone tricks me into thinking my beverage is five degrees cooler than it actually is.

With that being said- I'll never fault anyone for going with LL, the old faithful. That was my go to mixer for poor man's margaritas during one particularly broke summer. #YOLO

Why does it seem that men get more attractive, better at sex, smarter and more desirable as they get older, yet woman seem to get the reputation of drying up like a raisin, losing their beauty and are no longer desirable once they reach a certain age?
-George Pooney

There are multiple factors as to why men tend to grow more attractive with age compared to our female counterparts, but it really all comes down to reproduction. Woman peak sexually in their late teens/early twenties because that's when they're the most fertile. They were put on this Earth to seduce a mate, get preggers and ensure the survival of our species, hence why they come out of the gates looking so good. Getting pregnant after 35 can be a risky en devour, whereas men can still fire off foot soldiers late into their 60's. So that sense of urgency and closing window never really shuts down for the guys.

I'm assuming the "drying up like a raisin" that you're referring to is a biological result of lower estrogen levels (disclaimer: not a doctor), but that can be solved with a quick squirt of KY, so I'm not too worried. As for losing their beauty, I'm going to have to flat out disagree with that stereotype altogether. There's plenty of hot older women out there, and with age comes experience.

As far as your suggestion that "men get better at sex" with age, the jury is still out for me, but I think for the most part everyone (guys and girls) gets better, or at least gets more comfortable and familiar with their own preferences with the more experience they get.

Think about it like this- when you first started playing basketball, I bet you mostly shot lay-ups until you were able to get confident enough to gradually make your way to the free throw line and beyond. After enough practice you probably got to a point where every now and then you're able to get lucky and hit a half court shot. Now that half court shot can represent whatever goal you want it to be in the bedroom, but the point is it's highly unlikely you were hitting that shot from day 1.

Semi-related: I'm stoked for the salt 'n pepa hair phase of life.

What deceased musical act would you most like to see live?
-John, Los Angeles

Obviously, it would have to be The Beatles (or pretty much any other classic rock act from that generation- Led Zep, Grateful Dead, Hendrix, etc.) but to throw a monkey wrench into your question I'm going to limit it to bands/artists who died during my lifetime.

That leaves me with two of my all time favorites- The Notorious B.I.G. and Sublime. Both shows would be absolutely incredible. I've known the majority, if not all, of their lyrics from an early age on and the atmosphere of a come-back-to-life concert would be like the Tupac hologram times a million. Though for somewhat obvious reasons, I think that I, personally, would fit in best at a Sublime show.

Ever since my Aunt Joy bought me their Greatest Hits cd, while on vacation in Texas in the summer of '00, I've dreamed of sipping on many a 40 oz. while Bradley Nowell & company jammed for me. Through their music they always came off as such lovable guys, with relatable struggles, who just wanted to have fun.

The closest I ever came to seeing Sublime in concert was when a crew of about 20 of us bought tickets to go see the popular cover band Bad Fish play at B.B. King's in NYC junior year of high school. Only before the band even got on stage to perform all the girls that we came with had been kicked out for underage drinking and all the guys had gotten the boot for smoking weed.

I also got in trouble for having these lyrics posted above my bed when I was in 7th grade.

R.I.P. Bradley & Lou Dog

So our parents claim to think that things where better growing up, the people worked harder, did more with less, were less materialistic, less entitled, they had musicians, we have dj's, etcetera etcetera. My view point is that yes, you may have had The Beatles and The Stones, but I can push one button on my phone and a pizza will show up at my house in 30 minutes which is pretty cool.

Not so sure I see the connection between convenient pizza delivery and the best rock band of all time, but please, continue.

Also, not sure if you read Jemele Hill's article on Geno Smith, but basically it talks about how we're a generation of entitled kids and that's why Smith comes off as immature. My thought is that we're not entitled we're just smarter. We're not willing to accept being the low man on the totem pole and are not willing to not be heard. As dumb as the phrase was and still is, there's a reason why our generation came up with the phrase yolo, 

I'm sorry but seeing that phrase used unironically makes me physically cringe 

because we all want to live our lives to the fullest and don't feel like wasting it doing something we hate just cause we get a paycheck, which our parents generation swallowed like an average workday for Naomi Russell. So to our parents generation we obviously look like we don't want to work hard and think that we are entitled to be our own bosses. Which thanks to technology and the internet, unlike our parents, if you have a good idea, you can sell it to Google for 50 million dollars. So the question is, what are your thoughts on this generational gap, are we entitled, or are they old fashioned. What generation would you want to be a part of and why?
-Tom Brokaw's a punk

It's extremely hard to characterize an entire generation because within that group there's going to be millions of people who fall into both categories. Sure, kids can strike it rich these days with massive tech deals (just last week Tumblr sold for $1.1 billion), but look at guys like Henry Ford, John D. Rockefeller, or even on a much smaller scale, Debbi Fields, who in the 70's worked her way up from an Oakland A's ballgirl to a multi-multi millionaire by baking cookies. The opportunities to strike it rich have always been there, the only difference is that now those goals are obtainable while sitting down in your living room.

The reason this generation is smarter than the last is solely due to the speed and convenience to which we can access information. Though it should also be noted that our parent's generation were the ones who created the internet, iPhones, and PORN for our viewing pleasures, so I think rather than ridicule them for feeling a sense of pride over The White Album, we should be thanking them for the doors they've opened for us along the way. Without them, there would literally be no us. Plain and simple.

But now that proper props has been given, I can definitively say that there has never been a better time to grow up, live, eat fro-yo, pirate music, than the present. Sure, our generation is entitled, but we're (well, scientists, not me) also changing the world for the better every single day. We've got a black president, gay athletes, and are light years closer to equality than we've ever been in the past. There's always going to be a few broken bitches out there who try to ruin the world for the rest of us, but for the most part I see a ton of good out there every single day, and that's what makes me most proud to be a part of this generation.

-fresh (@danye33)

1 comment: