Thursday, June 6, 2013

Fresh Take Mailbag, Vol. 9


Holla at a playa when you see him in the streets! Welcome back to another edition of the freshest interactive column on the interwebs. In this week's Mailbag we're talking period euphemisms, cock blocking etiquette, how to deal with lesbians wooing your woman and much, much more. As always please continue to hit me with all your wildest questions and predicaments via e-mail, tweet, text or in the comment section of our Facebook fan page.

Giddy up!

Is there a better euphemism for a girl's time of the month than Shark Week? Things start to get intimate, and she just simply says "We can't. It's Shark Week." I challenge you to even suggest a better way to phrase it.

P.S. If you're lucky, she'll go snorkeling anyway. HAY-OOOOOOOO
-Jacque, The Great Barrier Reef

Simply put, no, there will never be a better euphemism for a girl's period than Shark Week. We're one question in and you've already won this Mailbag.

Just for shits and giggles though I'm going to try (and fail miserably) to top your suggestion:
  • "My iPod's got "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" stuck on repeat"
  • In the penalty box
  • Locked Up A-Broad
  • I Saw Red
  • My girlfriend's running the Tough Mudder
  • Watching a marathon of True Blood
  • The front door's locked
Danye- I'm sitting in my cube right now pretty much hating every minute that goes by. Monday's always suck (along with Tuesday-Friday...) but I'm gonna go ahead and say that the first day back to work after Memorial Day Weekend is the worst work day of the year. Do you agree? Are there any days that even compare?
-Fresher

The Tuesday after MDW is especially brutal because it's the first nice weather holiday of the year and chances are you got shitfaced the day before at a BBQ or pool party, but that's not to say its necessarily any worse than any number of other day-after-holiday work days. The first day back after the 4th of July weekend, the Tuesday after Labor Day, the Friday after Thanksgiving (if your bosses are sociopaths), January 2nd and the day after the Super Bowl all more or less blow equally.

My only advice would be to make minimal eye contact/conversation with co-workers, eat a ton of greasy food and stay put at your desk. The less amount of walking around the office you do the better. Nobody wants to be the guy who gets suckered into small talk, only to then excuse yourself half way through your chat to go puke your brains out.

Even if you think you're playing it cool, they know. They always know. 



Is it ever okay to cock block a friend?
-Ryan

Now of course "friends" should never actively try to prevent you from getting laid, however, I do think that age and location plays a factor in determining whether or not its okay to be a rooster blocker. For example, lets say you're in college and going out five a nights looking to hook-up. In the fake-life world of college, going home empty handed one night isn't a big deal, and you can make up for it by doubling down and going out the next night.

But let's say you're a 25 year old working man whose only time to shine is the weekend. If one of your "boys" puts the kibosh on a potential hook-up, be it by embarrassing you, not giving you enough time alone, or in extreme cases, outright stealing your girl from you, then you're perfectly within your constitutional rights to terminate the friendship. It's hard enough competing for chicks with the millions of other douchebags out there, you shouldn't have to worry about your friends too.

I've noticed that when I was younger I was a lot more willing to put up with bullshit from people just because I was still trying to figure things out about myself and find my niche in life. But by the time you leave college you should have a good grasp on which friends are worth your time and which ones aren't. And if someone is standing in the way of you reaching the Holy Grail, then by all accounts, that is not your friend.

Seeing a lot of people leaving Facebook for Twitter recently (myself included). With a huge influx of older people migrating to the Book, is Facebook going the way of MySpace?
-Gary

I don't think its going the way of MySpace quite yet. After all, they did crack the one billion user mark last year. But there is definitely some cause for concern.

Facebook was the tits back when there wasn't eighteen million other online platforms to waste your day on. But now there are just too many other options with Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, Instagram, blogs and Tinder (along with the 800 other "fuck your friends!" apps out there), Facebook has become more of a luxury than a necessity. Plus the fact that everyone and their grandma is on it doesn't exactly scream "cool."

Other reasons why Facebook kinda sucks these days:
  • the News Feed is wayyyyy too intrusive
  • spam ads
  • memes
  • they change their format every three months
  • 'likes' made users lazy
  • too many self-indulgant/"woe is me" statuses
  • your parents are on it
I don't think Facebook will ever become completely irrelevant just because of the sheer volume of users they have and the amount of history we have with it. For many people the site serves as a virtual time capsule, diary and photo album for some of the formative years of their life (whether or not that's a good thing remains to be seen). But the writing is clearly on the wall, and over time I think it will become a place that we check out when we want to take a trip down memory lane, as opposed to what we use it for now- stalking people.


Do you think this year's Miami Heat is the best NBA team of all-time?
-Josh

To be fair, this question was submitted during the Heat's epic 27 game winning streak, but after surviving the Pacers in seven games to advance to the Finals, the best NBA team of all-time discussion is technically still in play.

Since 1960 only 11 teams have made three (or more) straight trips to the Finals, so the MoHeatos are already in elite company in that regard. Their aforementioned near-historic winning streak is something that no Jordan team ever came close to accomplishing and their .805 regular season winning percentage is good for eleventh best all-time. They have one of the five best players to ever play the game on their roster, along with three other surefire HOFers (Wade, Bosh, Allen) and some nice role players (Chalmers, Haslem, Birdman, corpse of Shane Battier), but despite being one of the best defensive teams of the past ten years they remain a flawed group.

We just saw up and comers Paul George and Roy Hibbert push this team to their absolute limit. They finished the regular season 20th in the league in rebounding (with a -1.5 per game differential) and their performance in that category has somehow gotten worse in the playoffs. Bron leads the team in points, rebounds and assists per game in the playoffs and has gotten virtually no help from his "star-studded" supporting cast. Injury bug or not 14ppg from Wade is unacceptable, and heading into this series versus the Spurs I'm not quite sure they're the best team left this season, let alone of all-time.

Which leads us to...

Lepeptalk_medium

What is your NBA Finals prediction?
-Twitty

I picked the Heat to win in 7 in October, so I feel like as long as they're still alive I've got to stick with my guns, but I don't think its going to be easy. San Antonio's playoff run this year has been nothing short of incredible. They swept the Kobe-less Lakers, got redemption on OKC and took care of the Grizz in roughly the same amount of time as it takes to watch an episode of Arrested Development. They've had 10 days off, have the best coach in the league, a much deeper bench and Tony Parker has done everything in his power to solidify himself as the sole proprietor of the point guard conch.

But with all that being said I still have to go with the King. The man has won four MVPs in the past five years and at this very moment is playing the best two-way basketball that we've ever seen from him. I think this is going to be a great series, but there's no way James goes home without the hardware. Considering it somewhat of a passing of the torch from Duncan to LeBron, and I suspect LBJ will never look back.

We're at a point right now where you can put LeBron on any team in the league and you can automatically pencil them in for 50+ wins. I honestly believe that if he were on the Bobcats this year they would have been the two seed in the East. He's that good. Add another ring to his mantle this season and matching Jordan's 6 titles are absolutely in play down the line.



This question comes after Jays pitcher J.A. Happ almost gets killed by a line drive: should pitchers wear protective head gear?
-Dan, Toronto

Should they? Probably. Will they? Absolutely not. The MLB is by far the least progressive league out of the four major professional sports in America. I could have sworn they banned YouTube from posting their highlights (though the embedded video above completely refutes my argument), but even besides that it just seems like they're permanently stuck in 1935. I was at Wrigley a couple months back and the Cubs literally do not have a scoreboard capable of showing replays at their ballpark. It was almost as if I wouldn't have been that surprised if there were race segregated bathrooms. That's how archaic it felt.

The NHL and the NHL Players Association on the other hand just yesterday agreed to make visors mandatory for the upcoming 2013-14 season. But I think a pitcher would have to die on the field before Selig made fielders go all John Olerud out there.


Is it ever okay for a guy to take a selfie?
-Matt

Thanks to Snap Chat, yes. But in any other circumstance it's a resounding no.

The thing about male selfies (head shots, not full body pics) is that no matter how good you may think you look, its NEVER a good idea to go ahead and hit that "send" or "publish" button. Sure, it can be a useful tool as a last resort mirror or to check if you've got anything stuck in your teeth, but the second you send that baby out for the world to see you become fair game for mockings and ridicule.

Think about the types of guys you know that post selfies on platforms like Facebook and Instagram. Have you ever once looked at their picture and not cringed? It's physically impossible to post a male selfie and not come off looking like a huge tool. Amplify that by a thousand if the selfie is accompanied by any kind of rap lyric.

I can assure you that Lil Wayne did not have your kissy face in mind when his ghost writer penned "Steady Mobbin."

So I'm dating this girl for four years now and the following has only gotten worse over time. Since we met some of her friends have come out of the closet as lesbians. They're generally awesome people that I like to hang out with, but the only problem is my woman happens to be a buxom beauty. I know I took on the task of dealing with dudes staring at her tits or trying to hit on her when we started dating. I'm fine with it because I know how to handle that situation- you beat your chest like a gorilla and grab a beer bottle if he is bigger than you. But what do you do when a lesbian hits on your woman? They are all about not objectifying woman and feminism, yet they try and motor boat my girlfriend and get her to take her top off because its "liberating."

I mean if I try and convince a girl to show her fun-bags I'm a chauvinist pig, but if they do it they're just being silly woman. I have a hard enough time worrying about some dude hitting on my girl now I have to worry about everybody. Do I have a right to be upset or am I over reacting? What's the best way to handle this situation?
-Lezbehonest

So let me get this straight- you have an attractive girlfriend, who is constantly getting hit on by other chicks. What's the problem? You should be channeling that anger into finagling a potential threesome scenario. It's every mans dream!

Okay, now time for the serious answer. As with all things in a relationship, communication is key. Have a talk with your girl and tell her how although you respect her friend's lifestyle, some kind of boundary needs to be put in place to show that she is off limits to every other man and woman. That's the whole point of being in a committed relationship, so that you don't have to share the one you love with anyone else.

Let her know that even though it may be just fun and games in her eyes, you fear for her friend's intentions. Especially if alcohol is in play. What may start out as innocent touching and flirting could quickly escalate into a full fledged "experiment" if the suitor is persistent enough or if your girl's decision making is impaired.

You are certainly within your rights as a boyfriend to be upset, and as far as I can tell you haven't done anything that I would deem as over-reacting. So long as you keep the conversation light and honest I think she'll be receptive to your requests and will do a better job at letting her female friends know that she is off limits. After all, you guys have been dating for four years so you must be doing something right.



Oh yea, and definitely end your conversation by whipping it out and giving her the old helicopter dick. No better way to impress a chick.

Word is bond.

-fresh (@danye33)

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