Friday, June 14, 2013

Toss Up! What Is 2 Chainz Worse At- Freestlying or Not Getting Robbed?

On one hand we have Mr. Chainz absolutely abysmal freestyle performance on Tim Westwood's radio show a couple of months back. That online backlash to this piece of crap was so bad that the famed DJ had to disable all YouTube comments from the video. After listening I went back and checked through roughly 20 other Westwood freestyles before getting bored, and I can now say with 100% certainty, this is legitimately the only time he's ever had to do such a thing.

Here's the lyrics for anyone who values the sanctity of their ear buds.

I wanna say…fuck errbody. Just playin.
Apologize for what? fuck you. apologize for what? fuck you.
Apologize for what? fuck you. fuck you.
Who wanna test me, to these two necklace
Money so tall she got count it in Giuseppe’s
Check it, no Nike. I do this shit unrestless
Young nigga from the USA getting head on Toms
Pause new beat on these niggas
New shoes on this nigga
New bitch in the condo
They say “well done” when I leave Wells Fargo
Bank of America, I’m in London
Nigga we ain’t scared of ya
Mass hysteria on microphone
I’m getting head, you should leave that dyke alone
Get it all day nigga
Freestylin with my trigger
Shoot yo ass on the backside
Kill a nigga, landslide
This is a freestyle
I get paid just to run miles
You get paid you just run your lip
And me? I run this shit
2 Chainz in this motherfucker
Karate chop yo mama
Karate chop the car
Top off nigga…baw
Baw baw baw
(That’s a shot for you niggas)
Baw (now let’s go in)
My brother drink gasoline while smoking a blunt
Where were you niggas when my bills was piling up?
What I had for lunch? Hawaiian pussy
Mixed with Hawaiian punch
Court dates, 50 collide with us
I got my watch hot, nigga your time is up
I got like 40 on me
I got two chains in the rain that cost like 40 homey
20 in each pocket that’s 40 homey
The flow is marvel hoes in the condo
They be like “hey you”
I be like “bye, ho”
Insane in the membrane
2 Chainz but today I got on three chains
Switch it up with my British swag
“All this gold all on your bitch ass”
Accent like I live here
Passport nigga real hair
You can see it down my back ho

Next comes Sunday's incident in San Francisco where 2 Chainz and his posse were run up on by some gun wielding thugs. 2 Chainz denied the incident on twitter a day later, but unfortunately for him, surveillance video (obtained by TMZ obvs) shows the dreaded rapper running for his life and tripping on his sagged jeans while the robbers get away with his wallet and cell phone.

Here's the self proclaimed Tity Boi defending his manhood by posting the three rules of what typically would happen if a rapper were to be robbed (though rule #3 is just him boasting about some good weed he smoked).

The verdict: Freestlying by a long shot. There will never, ever, be anything worse in life than that freestlye. Casey Anthony is better at raising children than 2 Chainz is at freestyling. Bill Clinton is better at cheating on his wife than 2 Chainz is at freestlying. Amanda Bynes is better at not being perceived as crazy than 2 Chainz is at freestlying.

Karate chop yo mama!

-fresh (@danye33)

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