Thursday, September 5, 2013

Week 1 NFL Picks Column

Ladies and gentlemen, your prayers have been answered. Football is back, and with the return of our nation's new pastime, comes all the glorious indulgent things that come along with it- gambling, fantasy, an excuse to binge drink on Sundays, the slaughter of one billion* chickens for their delicious wings and Madden. And did I mention gambling?

That's where we come in.

Loyal readers of the Weave should already be very familiar with our weekly picks column. In years past its evolved into far and away my favorite column to write, littered with personal anecdotes, scantly clad women, obscure gifs, and oh yea, NFL picks.

In the past two years the five contestants in the 2 Man Weave Pick 'Em Pool have picked every single NFL game during the regular season, with the winner receiving blog glory and the loser (or Mush as we like to say) receives a tasty marinara bath (Yes, I still owe the guys and the blog a bath, its just been difficult getting all five of us together). This time around things will be more or less the same (dick jokes, poor betting advice) HOWEVAH we're switching up the format a little bit.

Instead of picking every single game, contestants are going to going to be picking the 5 games each week that they feel most confident about. Its a style that Las Vegas' Hilton Casino popularized with their Super Contest, and will make things easier for me to calculate, but will also put more importance on each individual pick. Instead of getting up to 16 chances each week to make up ground, now you've only got five chances to get it right, so the pressure is on.

Last year's winner (and 2011's Mush), Muggsy, has decided to go out on top and will no longer being making picks for this column. In his absence I've recruited some fresh new blood to keep things interesting, and you can check out all of the contestants bios after the jump.

Quick reminder, there's no money on the line, but winner receives some shine on the blog. While the loser gets his aforementioned bath, and has to treat the rest of the guys to a few pizza pies or 30 racks.

*rough estimate

Meet The Contestants

Danye (founder of the 2MW)

I'm a big fan of switching out popular lyrics to make songs about shaving your pubes. Also, just last weekend I dabbed and proceeded to sing Kendrick Lamar's "I know you want dis dick" line to my girlfriend's mom roughly 40 times in a row. Not unlike this YouTube video.

Week 1 Picks- Philly +3.5, Ari +5, Hou -4, T.B. -3, K.C. -3.5

Flem (2011 Pick 'Em Pool Champ)

Original 2MW Pick 'Em champ, loves Katy Perry and lives life the Gordon Bombay way- "Every time you touch the ice, remember that it was Hans who taught us to fly."

Week 1 Picks- N.E. -10, Chi -3, Indy -9.5, Wash -3.5, Hou -4

Chooch (2MW Senior Editor)

I like parties at the Moon Tower, hanging at the Emporium, throwing garbage cans at mailboxes, kickin ass and drinking beer, and driving to Houston in the morning to get Aerosmith tickets. I've had enough of Philip Rivers for a fantasy lifetime, but still believe in Ryan Mathews.

Week 1 Picks- Den -7.5, N.E. -10, T.B. -3, K.C. -3.5, Indy -9.5

Gary (@barryap1's doppelganger)

Fantasy Football game Rex Chapman. My favorite food group is burritos. You pay taxes, I get paid to take naps. I wanna be @Keytwitty when I grow up.

Week 1 Picks- T.B. -3, Atl +3, Sea -3.5, Ari +5, Wash -3.5

Cambo (Damn You @TheRealTahiry!)

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "Great men are they who see that spiritual is stronger than any material force - that thoughts rule the world." Ralph Waldo Emerson was not talking about Cameron Lowder. Cameron works for Bleacher Report's NFL video production team, which should terrify all that compete against him in a league of this sort. Be wary of his shifty eyes and cunning wit, for he can easily charm you into trusting him, but before it is too late, you have no idea where your shoes have gone and it would seem as though he disappeared into thin air... with your wallet in tow. He enjoys galavanting with strangers and finds long walks on the beach to be rather tiresome. One day he hopes to have purchased the Denver Broncos, for the sole purpose of liquidating the franchise as a means of-self indulgent profiteering.

Week 1 Picks- Hou -4, Atl +3, K.C. -3.5, N.E. -10, Sea -3.5

Dough Boy (lives in Rochester, too cool for Garbage Plates)

Random Fact: When the woman doesnt cook me dinner, I usually run to the store and grab a can of Beefaroni. There is approximately 60% of the recommended daily sodium intake in that one little can. And people wonder why Americans are fat.

Week 1 Picks- Buff +10, Hou -4, Mia, Pitt -7, K.C. -3.5

Twitty (A Tweep You Should Follow)

Hey my name is Keshon Bediako aka Key aka Twitty aka Keytwitty. I enjoy making women with low self-esteem happy and I hate Twinkies. Just trying to elevate small talk into medium talk!

Week 1 Picks- Buff +10, Tenn +7, NYJ +3, S.D. +4, Philly +3.5

J-Fonts (2MW's Cali Contributor)

2MW name: J-Fonts
Current City: Los Angeles
Favorite Beer: Pacifico
Favorite NFL Names: D'Brickashaw Furgeson, Barkevious Mingo, Lavon Brazil
Random Fact: I can play 50 Cent's "Wanksta" on an acoustic guitar, and do so regularly

Week 1 Picks- Bal +7.5, Atl +3, Min +5, NYG +3.5, T.B. -3

Miggs (2MW's Perma-Frat Boy)

Favorite fake sexual position- The Grand Father Clock- Its when there is two guys and a girl, and the girl is hanging somehow either by her feet or hands, and she acts like that big metal thing that swings back and forth in a grandfather clock, one stroke to the left, one stroke to the right and repeat.

Week 1 Picks- K.C. -3.5, Indy -9.5, Hou -4, Cle, Sea -3.5

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (0-0) Tampa Bay -3 verse NYJ

The Jets are the worst team in football. People used to laugh when I would suggest the team go "Down For Clown," (tank for Jadeveon Clowney) but now I honestly don't see any possible scenario where that doesn't happen. Jets fans are so cute, with their inferiority complex and selective memory. I love how only now, after 50+ turnovers in the past two seasons, has Sanchez's grace period finally run dry from those two fluke AFC title game appearances. Here's how every conversation between me and one of my Jets fan friends went from the spring of 2011 to the Buttfumble incident:

Me: "The Jets will never win a Super Bowl with Mark Sanchez as their starting quarterback."

Jets fan friends: "Shut the fuck up, he took us to two AFC title games! Eli didn't do shit until year four, just wait until year four bro."

/huffs aerosol can

Obscure Gif Of The Week / "Like a boss"

Babe of the Week / Niykee Heaton

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Dude secretly videotapes his girlfriend covering "Radioactive"

Gametime Snack Of The Week- Pizza Dip!

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Reggie Bush, RB Lions

"We's was out the other night, rollin a lil bit, feelin nice, you know, up in the VIP. Trick comes over to me talking bout I seen you in the Kanye video and this and that but I ain't really tryna hear it. Next thing you know that new J. Cole come on, she start gridnin on me and I catch rock. So your boy slips it in up under the skirt, feeling nice off the Molly, and what can I say a few pumps later I pop off, then I'm Swayze. Flash forward to later that night at the spot and my main bitch is over, axin me if I was faithful at the club. I say I ain't do shit now open up dat mouf like yous sposed to. So she proceeds to take the 9', only halfway through stops and smacks me in the face with my Xbox controller because she can taste the girl from the club. Caught me lyin', so this week I gotta go with my favorite Lion, Reggie Bush."

-fresh (@danye33)


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