Friday, September 13, 2013

Week 2 NFL Picks Column

As if pumpkin beer and an excuse to wear comfortable hoodies weren't enough of a reason to crown fall the best season, we're also in the midst of the opening weeks of the greatest sport ever invented (football), and hitting the home stretch of the greatest television show of all time (Breaking Bad). Not much to bitch about on my end, well, except for the fact that I still don't have TV/internet at my apartment, but that will all be changing soon (Time Warner 'bout to kick in the door waving the 4-4 on Tuesday).

In lieu of my typical rants, I'll just tell you guys a quick little story about what happened to me when I went to go get dinner tonight. Now originally I had planned on cooking some Jambalaya, because I live on my own and occasionally do grown man things like cook food for myself, but rather than go into full on Chef-Boy-R-Chi mode tonight, I decided to opt for a two hour nap instead.

I woke up with about an hour to spare before work (yes, I'm still the Nightman) and headed to Subway a few blocks from my spot for a little five dollar footlong action. So I'm in line with my girlfriend and I notice that there seems to be some commotion up towards the front of the line. Oh well, "No biggie" I thought, should clear up by the time our sandwiches are ready. Apparently this fiance bro's giftcard wasn't swiping so the dude at the register had to call their corporate offices.

So we place our orders (grilled chicken breast- cause the two slabs of meat are WAY bigger than the cut up buffalo chicken crap they serve you, plus you can put your own hot sauce on it and BAM!- big boy buff chicken) and notice that the finance bro is still yet to be served, so now there's about five people standing in line with our sandwiches made, ready to eat, pay & grub.

Well, guess that dude's card is fucked up and he's going to have to pay cash like a non-sociopath.


Turns out their register is broken and won't be fixed for another hour. Now the people behind the counter were left with three options for what they could do (you already know how this plays out, or else I wouldn't be writing it but bear with me). They could have A) went above and beyond and valued their customers business, while handing over the already made sandwiches free of charge. They could have B) been decent human beings and let people who had exact change pay and take their already made dinner. Or they could have C) been wasteful pricks and tossed out the perfectly good food for no reason.

They chose option C.

Fuck Subway. Fuck Jared. And fuck Ndamukong Suh.

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (0-1) Nawlins -3 over Tuberculosis

I picked the Buccs to beat the Jets last week as our Anti-Lock of the week and sure enough, I was wrong! To make up for it I've decided to double down by picking against that very same Tampa Bay squad. The logic- if you can't beat Geno Smith, you're not beating Drew Brees. Simple as that.

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne

Keytwitty (5-0) N.O. -3, Det -1.5, Oak -6, Bal -6.5, Indy -3

Watch The Throne 

Danye (3-2) Det -1.5, N.O. -3, S.F. +3, Den -4.5, Wash +7.5

Dough Boy (3-2) S.F. +3, Bal -6.5, Det -1.5, Miami +3, Cin -7

Cambo (2-3) N.O. -3, Den -4.5, Det -1.5, K.C. -2.5, Car -3

Miggs (2-3) Den -4.5, N.O. -3, Atl -6.5, Car -3, Chi -6

Gary (2-3) Dal +2.5, S.F. +3, Chi -6, N.O. -3, Den -4.5

Chooch (2-3) Bal -6.5, Indy -3, N.O. -3, N.E. -12, Oak -6

Flem (0-4-1) NYJ +12, Hou -9, Indy -3, Car -3, N.O. -3

The Mush

J Fonts (0-5) S.D. +7.5, Bal -6.5, N.O. -3, S.F. +3, Buff +3

Obscure Gif Of The Week / Fat Cat Put On Exercise Regime 


Babe of the Week / Kate Mara

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Insane Clown Posse Backs Down From Fight After Talking Shit On The Howard Stern Show

Gametime Drinks For Jags Fans To Wallow In Their Sorrows With- Moscow Mule

Gametime Snack Of The Week- Mini Football Subs

Laces out! Word to Ray Finkle's grandma!

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

LaGarrette Blount, RB, Patriots 

"No Gronk. No Hernandez. No Welker. No Amendola. No Vareen. Ridley done fucked up. Who else gone eat on dis team but the big homie LaGarrette Blount?? Dude been my favorite player since he cold-clocked that redneck from Boise back in '09. I ain't seen a white person hit the floor that hard since Adele dropped an Oreo. I'm fin ta smoke a Blount in LaGarrette's honor for each fantasy point he gets me this weekend. Hate being sober."

-fresh (@danye33)

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