Friday, October 25, 2013

"Cause It's Your Week 8 NFL Picks Column And You Know It"

No rants this week but I do have a mission for all the single Weavers out there. I don't why its taken a month for this "Texting Drake Lyrics To Your Ex" post from Pigeons and Planes to cross my path, but now that it has I can't get enough of it. Basically the whole premise is to just text random lyrics from your favorite Canadian, moscato drinking, condo inhibiting rapper to ex-flames with no context whatsoever. I would do it myself, but the whole "initiating flirty conversation with past lovers" probably wouldn't go over so well with my live-in girlfriend. That's why I'm hoping that you, the readers, can help me out by sending in screen shots of your text serenades. The best ones will get posted in the Week 9 column.

Here's some sample Drake quotes you can use (see how easy I'm making this for you guys?)

"Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much. There's no need for us to rush is through."

"I just want some head in a comfortable bed, it could all be so simple." 

"It's not me, it's you. It's not me, it's you."

"I was trippin' off how I used to sleep at ya crib. Should drive by right where you live, and pick you up on the way."

"Girl don't treat me like a stranger. Girl you know I seen you naked."

"I'm just saying you could do better."

"I stay reminiscing and makeup sex is tradition."

"How beautiful our kids will be, I don't need convincing."

"Bittersweet celebration. I know I can't change what happened."

"Isn't it amazing how you talk all this shit and we still lack communication?"

"These days its so hard to meet women, feel like my love life is finished."

"Nothing was the same."

If all else fails you can always just make a #StarbucksDrakeHands video.

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (2-5) Hotlanta +2.5 in the desert

At this point I'd be better off looking at a rundown of spreads and playing "eenie meanie miney mo," but I guess I'll take the underachieving, banged up Falcons getting two and a half in Arizona. Matty Ice refused to melt in week 7, despite playing without three of his four best offense weapons in Julio, Roddy and Steven Jackson (never coming back). Look for Harry "The Sticky Bandit" Douglas (yes, I just made that nickname up on the spot) to get in the end zone again and for Carson Palmer to continue to define the word "mediocrity."

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne
Keytwitty (18-17)   Dal +3, NYG +6, Minn +9.5, Oak +2.5, NYJ +6.5

Watch The Throne 

Dough Boy (17-18) S.F. -16.5, Atl +2.5, Sea -10.5, Car -6, G.B. -9.5

Chooch (16-19)   S.F. -16.5, Dal +3, N.O. -12, G.B. -9.5, NYJ +6.5

Cambo (14-19-2) Pit -2.5, Atl +2.5, Car -6, Sea -10.5, Det -3

J Fonts (14-20-1)   K.C. -7.5, Oak +2.5, NYJ +6.5, Buf +12, NYG +6
Danye (13-21-1)  NYG +6, N.E. -6.5, Wash +12.5, Atl +2.5, G.B. -9.5

Flem (12-20-3)  K.C. -7.5, N.O. -12, Pitt -2.5, Sea -10.5, Atl +2.5

Gary (12-22-1) Dal +3, K.C. -7.5, NYJ +6.5, G.B. -9.5, Oak +2.5

The Mush
Miggs (11-23-1)  K.C. -7.5, N.E. -6.5, Atl +2.5, G.B. -9.5, Sea -10.5

Obscure Gif of the Week / PIZZAGASM

Bonus Gif / Best Kiss Cam Ever

Babe of the Week / The Great One's Daughter, Paulina Gretzky

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / 160 Greatest Arnold Quotes

Halloween Costume I Wish I Was Creative Enough To Come Up With- Pug Wrecking Ball 

Gametime Drinks For Jags Fans To Wallow In Their Sorrows With- Manhattan

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Terrelle Pryor, QB, Raiders

"Last week I's was playing some of that new GTA5 game over at my lil cousin Reggie spot. We's posted up, killing hookers on the Xbox and what not, smoking wax and getting turnt. So now your boy's lit up off the dabs and we both be getting hungry as a muhfuckah. We decided we bout to change that and hop in the Lex and head to McDonalds. Even though I got a mil in the bank dem chicken nuggies be calling my name. So I bang a U on Sidney street without looking cause I ain't got no time for that and whatdayaknow little miss Piggy pulls out in the unmarked whip and hits the siren. So I pull over, eyes looking like Katy Perry's period blood and she tells me to give her my license. Bitch runs my records, sees all my priors and slaps the cuffs on me for an outstanding warrant. My priors be causing me all sorts of trouble, just like Terrelle Pryor be causing on the field. Start that man."

-fresh (@danye33)

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