Friday, October 11, 2013

Week 6 NFL Picks Column

After five frustrating fantasy weeks of starring at Gronk's name on my bench and thinking "what could have been", it appears the NFL's biggest frat bro, and LMFAO enthusiast, will finally be making his long awaited return to the grid iron this Sunday against the Saints in Foxboro. And I, for one, can't contain my excitement.

He's the most lovable player in the league because he acts the way ever college aged male envisions himself acting if given the fortune and fame of an NFL career, only Gronks frontal lobe never developed past the keg stand phase of maturity, so he acts out every last primal urge that crosses his mind. That's why he's the best. He's the anti-Patriot, and he's so freaking good there's not a damn thing Bill Belicheck can do about it. It's Gronk's World, we're all just living in it.

In honor of Gronk's return, I've composed a list of various ways you can celebrate the return of an American hero this weekend:

  • Jerk off to a Bibi Jones porno
  • Go get a surgery done just for the hell of it
  • Spike random household objects
  • Grind on random strangers while blasting "Party Rock" from you iPhone speakers
  • Throw a "Yo Soy" Fiesta
  • Lift weights 
  • Cry because you'll never be as cool as him :(  

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (1-4) Philly -1 vs. Tampa Bay

We knew it would only be a matter of time before Mr. Glass got hurt, but to be honest, I don't think Nick Foles is that much of a downgrade. Certainly not enough of a downgrade to merit what's essentially a pick 'em line between the 0-4 Buccs. This team has been in the midst of a mutiny since August, and their quarterback, Mike Glennon, doesn't even have a wiki page! I like the Birds in a blowout.

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne

Keytwitty (16-9)  Indy -1.5, NYJ -2.5, T.B. +1, Sea -13.5, Min -2.5 

Watch The Throne 

Dough Boy (13-12)  K.C. -9, NYJ -2.5, Cle +2.5, Tenn +13.5, T.B. +1

Gary (11-13-1)  Oak +9, Cin -8, N.O +2.5, Ari +11, Indy -1.5

J Fonts (10-14-1)  Philly -1, Det -2.5, Den -27.5, N.O. +2.5, Indy -1.5

Cambo (9-14-2)   Dal -5.5, K.C. -9, Indy -1.5, Min -2.5, Philly -1

Danye (9-15-1)    Philly -1, Min -2.5, Sea -13.5, G.B. -3, Jax +27.5

Chooch (9-16)  K.C. -9, Cle +2.5, Pitt +2.5, Dal -5.5, S.F. -11

Miggs (8-16-1)   T.B. +1, G.B. -3, Cin -8, Ten +13.5, N.O. +2.5

The Mush

Flem (6-16-3)  Phil -1, GB  -3, Den -27.5, Det -2.5, NO +2.5

Obscure Gif of the Week / A Single Popcorn Popping

Bonus Gif / I'm... speechless 

Babe of the Week / Brynn Cameron aka Jordan Cameron's sister aka Matt Leinart's baby mama aka Blake Griffin's baby mama 

click here for video of Blake hyping his boo's brother before the draft

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Something To Do With Football / Dan Marino Behind The Back Pass

Gametime Drinks For Jags Fans To Wallow In Their Sorrows With- Whiskey, straight out the bottle

This one's going to get ugly fast

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Demaryius Thomas, WR, Broncos 

"Ayybody keep talking bout how this Broncos-Jags spread is the biggest line in NFL history. That shits all good and well, but let me tell you a little bit about the biggest line I ever seent. So we's was up in the VIP over at Blackjack's and my boy Young Magnum pulls out a ball and tells this trick Shayanna to bend over and drop them panties. She obliges and he proceeds to dump the entire baggy out on her lower back, cutting up this big ass line from her back dimples to her asshole. I dove in without thinking like Phelps in Beijing and hit her with the albino starfish. So yea, I knows a thing or two about big lines."

-fresh (@danye33)

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