Friday, October 18, 2013

Week 7 NFL Picks Column

In honor of my dad's birthday last weekend, I have to post one of my favorite quotes that he's ever said. Every time someone asks him if he has any interest in fantasy football he always says the same thing, and I'll never not laugh when I hear it.

"None of my fantasies involve 300 pound men"

The reason I felt this quote was timely was because I too have become somewhat disenfranchised with the game I once loved- fantasy football. I'm sure next week I'll go back to happily obsessing over it. As anyone who plays can attest to, all it takes is a couple of wins to spearhead your interest. But for now I'm pissed and I have no one to blame but myself.

Despite sitting at 3-2, with the most points in the keeper league that I'm the commissioner of, I panic traded Reggie Bush for Randall Cobb and Andre Ellington. The logic being that I had great depth at running back (AP, Forte, DeMarco, Reggie & Powell) and my only glaring weakness was wide receiver.

So Sunday morning I take the train back to my hometown on just three hours sleeping coming off the overnight shift to watch the games with my friends. I get to my buddies house around 2:15, crack open a cold one, throw on the Red Zone channel and what do I see on the very first play? That's right, Randall Cobb getting his knee absolutely torn to shreds on a cheap shot by Matt Elam. To add salt in the wound I also started James Jones, Cecil Shorts and the aforementioned DeMarco Murray, all of whom left the game with multiple week injuries.

Sorry to be all long winded about my personal fantasy football woes. I know reading about someone else's shitty luck in a game that you have no control over is the last thing any of you guys want to waste your time with. But I guess the point of this vent session is to say that I think it might be time that I take a page out of my old man's playbook and re-prioritize my fantasies.

I'd say post-baby Kim is a good start.

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (2-4) New England -4 over NJY

I'm going back to old mantra of "When in doubt, pick the Pats!". It's what pulled me out of a rut last year and I'm banking (literally) on the same results this time around. I know this game was much closer than it had any right to be the first time around, but I just can't see Geno going toe-to-toe with Tommy. The Jets only real shot at winning is if Sudfield made photocopies of his playbook before getting the ax.

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne

Keytwitty (16-14)  Dal +2.5, Bal +2, NYG -3, K.C. -6.5, Chi +1

Watch The Throne 

Dough Boy (15-15) Chi +1, Cin +3, G.B. -10, K.C. -6.5, N.E. -4

Chooch (13-17)  N.E. -4, Hou +6.5, St. Lou +6, Atl -7, S.F. -4

J Fonts (12-17-1)  NYG -3, Det -3, K.C. -6.5, Bal +2, S.F. -4

Cambo (12-16-2)  Chi +1, Den -6.5, Cin +3, K.C. -6.5, S.F. -4

Danye (11-18-1) N.E. -4, K.C. -6.5, Den -6.5, Dal +2.5, S.F. -4

Gary (11-18-1) Sea -6.5, K.C. -6.5, N.E. -4, Min +3, St. Lou +6

Miggs (9-20-1)  S.D. -7.5, Chi +1, K.C. -6, Dal +2.5, Cle +10

The Mush

Flem (8-19-3)  S.D. -7.5, Det -3, S.F. -4, Dal +2.5, Wash -1

Obscure Gif of the Week / Selfie Denied 

Bonus Gif / Halloween Snowman Knockout

Babe of the Week / Amy Shumer

There's something incredibly sexy about a girl who can make you laugh 

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Stephanie Tanner "Bandz A Make Her Dance"

Gametime Drinks For Jags Fans To Wallow In Their Sorrows With- Bacon Beer Milkshake

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Justin Blackmon, WR, Jaguars

"So the other day I's was fucking around with sweet lil thang named Denise. Mouth coitus had been performed and it was finally time to ride the slip 'n slide. Only Denise won't let me beat with no rubbers so I had to run out to the store, with rock, to cop some Mags. So I'm in CVS, dick up in my waistband, strollingthe isles when I notice this pig following behind me every step of the way. So I turn around and axe him "What's beef?" and he fucking books me over some bullshit. Said I matched the description of a guy wanted for armed robbery a few blocks away. Muhfucker cuffed and brought me all the way to the station before saying they caught their guy and cutting me lose. Even in my own city man, cops always trying to bring the black man down. So the least I could do this week was put on for my fellow Blackmon, Justin of the Jacksonville Jaguars."

-fresh (@danye33)

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