Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I've Been Getting Some Absurd Emails Lately


Anyone who knows me well knows the two things I love most in life are pizza and trolling Nigerian Prince scammers. If I could somehow find a way to get paid to come up with funny responses to these lunatics, while scarfing slices, I would kiss my 401k goodbye and sign up in a Rob-Ford-on-coke heartbeat. In the past week alone I've gotten these three gems, and although my rebuttals are far from my finest work, I still think these interactions merit posting to the interwebs. 

Exhibit 1, Death via Words 

Mrs. Regina (susanna.lieto@kolumbus.fi)

I was directed to contact you, please we need to discuss....

Dan Chiavetta (dan.chiavetta@gmail.com)

less talk, more nudes

Reginal J's (reginall@careceo.com
Thank you for giving me your time, Let me start by introducing myself, I am Mrs.Regina F.Jenson a staff of (BOC) Bank of China here in the United Kingdom. I am contacting you concerning "Late Louis Sadi-Lecointe" our customer who placed an investment under our bank management 4 years ago. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail private and kindly respect the integrity of the information. Am contacting you independently after much investigation and no one is informed of this communication; I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. please be patient and read the explanation below carefully.

In 2010, the subject matter; Ref: FI/BOF/958/042/3788 came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our Private Banking Services Department. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of USD $13,991,674 million United States Dollars, which he wished to have us turn over (invest) on his behalf. I was the officer assigned to his case; I made numerous suggestions in line with my duties as the de-facto chief operations officer of the Private Banking Services Department, especially given the volume of funds he wished to put into our bank.

 Few months later, his attention was needed regarding a business which I wanted to discuss with him but I was unable to reach him, I made futile efforts to locate him and immediately I passed the task of locating him to the internal investigations department of our bank. Four days later, information started to trickle in that he was apparently dead, dead of a heart attack in Cannes, South of France; gather more information it was confirmed that he actually pass away. The bank immediately launched an investigation into possible surviving next of kin to alert about the situation and also to come forward to claim his funds. If you are familiar with private banking affairs, those who patronize our services usually prefer anonymity, but also some levels of detachment from conventional processes. In his bio-data form, he listed no next of kin. In the field of private banking, opening an account with us means no one will know of its existence, accounts are rarely held under a name; depositors use numbers and codes to make the accounts anonymous. This bank also gives the choice to depositors of having their mail sent to them or held at the bank itself, ensuring that there are no traces of the account and as I said, rarely do they nominate next of kin. Private banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin also usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this case; he died Intestate.

There is USD$13,991,674 (Thirteen million, nine hundred and ninety one thousand, six hundred and seventy four united states dollars) deposited, I alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one unless I instruct them to do so. Also I alone know of the existence of this deposit as far as the finance firm is concerned, the transaction with our deceased customer concluded when I sent the funds to the firm, all outstanding interactions in relation to the file are just customer services and due process. The finance firm has no single idea of what's the history or nature of the deposit, they are simply awaiting instructions to release the deposit to any party that comes forward, and this is the situation. This bank has spent great amounts of money trying to track the family of the deceased; they have investigated for months and have found no family but however the investigation has officially come to an end.

My proposal; I am prepared to place you in a position whereby an instruction is given to the finance firm to officially release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation/associate, and all etiquette shall be done in accordance with the rule of law, I certainly can guarantee you that. By the common law, the power of bequeathing is coeval with the first rudiments of the law. There is no ruling which prevents an inheritance from being so exhausted by legacies as to render it unworthy of theirs acceptance; perfect operation whereby the paper work shall be co-ordinated in such a way that your status as a sole beneficiary is confirmed. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you in half and no more; that is: I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you; afterwards we share the proceeds 50/50.

I would have gone ahead to ask the funds be released to me, but that would have drawn a straight line to me and my involvement in claiming the deposit, but on the other hand, you as a indifferent foreigner would easily pass as the beneficiary with the rights to claim, I assure you that I could have the deposit released to you in a few days. I will simply inform our bank of the final closing of the file relating to the customer, I will then officially communicate with the finance company and instruct them to release the deposit to you; with these two things: all is done. The alternative would be for us to have the firm direct the funds to another bank with you as account holder, this way there will be no need for you to think of receiving the money from the firm. We can fine-tune this based on our interactions, I am aware of the consequences of this proposal and I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this mail. I ask also, that you do not be vindictive or destructive, if my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you; please do not destroy my career. You may not know this but people like me who have made tidy sums out of comparable situations run the whole private banking sector, I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this move. Such opportunities only come ones' way once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by and I hope you understand, because for once I found myself in total control and face to face with my destiny. These chances won't pass me by, I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me please let me know, and hence move on with my life, but do not destroy me; I am a family woman and this is an occasion to provide them with new opportunities. There is a reward for this project and it is a task well worth undertaking, I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to work with me and alerting my bank; I am the only one who knows of this situation, good fortune will bless you and plant you into the centre of relevance in my life, let’s share the blessing.

If you find yourself interested to work with me, please contact me specifically, if you give me positive signals, I will initiate this process towards a quick conclusion. It is necessary to inform you that under no condition should you contact me via official channels; I will simply deny knowing you and about this project. I repeat, I do not want you contacting me through our official lines neither do I want you contacting me through my official email account. I do not want any direct link between you and me. My official lines are not secure lines as they are periodically monitored to assess our level of customer care in line with our Total Quality Management policy, please observe this instruction religiously. Please, again, note I am a Family Woman; I am happily married with kids, I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences might be, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold, this is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients; do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord I shall have the pleasure of meeting you, after this task has been completed plan a meeting.

I await your response.

Mrs.Regina F.Jenson 



Exhibit 2, Assalamu Alaikum

ambardgi@iprimus.com.au

Can you help?

Dan Chiavetta (dan.chiavetta@gmail.com)

That's what she said

Sabah Rahil (sabah_rahil@hotmail.com)

Assalamu alaikum

My Beloved, I am Mrs. Rahil Sabah a citizen of Kuwait but currently residing in the United Kingdom. I was married to late Mamuod Ahmad of blessed memory who was an Oil Explorer in Kuwait & Russia for twelve years before he died in the year 2000. We were married for twelve years without a child; he died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Since his death, I too have been battling with both Cancer and fibroid problems. When my late Husband was alive he deposited a substantial amount of money worth $19.5Million with a bank in the United Kingdom which I inherited after his death.

Recently, my doctor told me that I have only 3 months to live due to my ailment. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to either a charity/orphanage home or devoted Allah (God) fearing individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct therein. I want this organization or individual to use this money in all sincerity to fund charity homes (Motherless Homes), orphanages, and widows.

I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husbands relatives are into radical organization as an unbeliever’s which I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an unholy manner, hence the reasons for this bold decision. Please, pray for me to recover as your prayers will go a long way in uplifting my spirit.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health condition which has seriously affected my speech and also because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.

As soon as I receive your reply, I shall give you further directives on what to do and how to go about actualizing this project. I will also instruct my lawyer to file an application on your behalf to the bank where the funds were deposited for the transfer of the money to you for this purpose. I want you to always pray for me.

Any delay in your reply will give room in sourcing for an organization or a devoted Individual for this same purpose.

Until I hear from you by email; my dreams will squarely rest on your shoulders.

Remain Blessed.

Yours truly,
Mrs. Rahil Sabah 

Exhibit 3, Crude Gas

Heru Margono (hmargono@bps.go.id)

I have a Crude Oil business project to discuss with you.
I want to send you details of this project.
Do confirm that your email address is still valid.
E-mail me on: ukriimj2@live.cn
Await your reply.

Dan Chiavetta (dan.chiavetta@gmail.com)

My girlfriend says I have crude gas after dinner 


-fresh (@danye33)

7 comments:

  1. I got the same email as exhibit one... have you found out why you are receiving these?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have not.. and I'm wondering why I receive them so frequently

    ReplyDelete
  3. do you watch a lot porn? because sometimes when you visit a porn site they are able to get your e-mail account

    ReplyDelete
  4. I just received one very similar as the first one, I don't know why they do that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh and the phone number is the same. So it's the same scammer.

      Delete
  5. I got a similar one as the first one with info a little off here and there. What should I do?

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete