Thursday, May 29, 2014

Brad Pitt Gets Rocked On The Red Carpet


Rule #1 of the red carpet- always keep your head on a swivel.

The 50 year old "Fight Club" star was punched in the face while walking the red carpet at the premiere of Angelina Jolie's new movie "Maleficent" Wednesday night in Hollywood. The suspect, 25 year old Vitalii Seduik, allegedly hopped over a barricade and struck Pitt while he was signing autographs for fans.

This isn't the first time that Seduik, who was booked on suspicion of battery, has caused a ruckus at one of these events. Less than two weeks ago he caused a scene in Cannes when he attempted to crawl under actress America Ferrera's gown at the premiere of "How To Train Your Dragon 2," and in May of 2012 a video of him kissing, and subsequently getting slapped by, Will Smith went viral during a red carpet event for "Men In Black 3" in Moscow.

Pitt emerged from the incident unscathed, and the Ukrainian "journalist" is being held on $20,000 bond.

I don't think this is what Angelia had in mind when she wished for a "big hit" opening weekend.

-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, May 19, 2014

Macklemore Dons Fake Nose, Dresses As Stereotypical Jew, During Surprise Performance Over The Weekend


(Seattle Weekly) Apparently he was a little worried about being mobbed, after all he is a big part of the new video exhibit at the EMP, because he came on stage and continued a majority of his show, with a wig, beard, and false nose adhered not-so-securely to his face (by the end of his 15 minute set he looked a little like he was melting). Disguise or no, it was no secret he was the big guest everyone had been waiting for.

Not a good look both literally and figuratively. Dude dressed up as a Jewish caricature and performed "Thrift Shop," a song all about being cheap at a show in Seattle on Saturday, and slowly but surely he's beginning to catch heat for his racist gesture. I know this guy is the most successful independent artist of all time, but maybe there's something to be said for having PR people oversee your some of your "creative" decisions? 

Anyway, Seth Rogen chimed in on twitter with a nice little third degree burn. 



The lesson to be learned here is never go full Gargamel. 

-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I've Been Getting Some Absurd Emails Lately


Anyone who knows me well knows the two things I love most in life are pizza and trolling Nigerian Prince scammers. If I could somehow find a way to get paid to come up with funny responses to these lunatics, while scarfing slices, I would kiss my 401k goodbye and sign up in a Rob-Ford-on-coke heartbeat. In the past week alone I've gotten these three gems, and although my rebuttals are far from my finest work, I still think these interactions merit posting to the interwebs. 

Exhibit 1, Death via Words 

Mrs. Regina (susanna.lieto@kolumbus.fi)

I was directed to contact you, please we need to discuss....

Dan Chiavetta (dan.chiavetta@gmail.com)

less talk, more nudes

Reginal J's (reginall@careceo.com
Thank you for giving me your time, Let me start by introducing myself, I am Mrs.Regina F.Jenson a staff of (BOC) Bank of China here in the United Kingdom. I am contacting you concerning "Late Louis Sadi-Lecointe" our customer who placed an investment under our bank management 4 years ago. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail private and kindly respect the integrity of the information. Am contacting you independently after much investigation and no one is informed of this communication; I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. please be patient and read the explanation below carefully.

In 2010, the subject matter; Ref: FI/BOF/958/042/3788 came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our Private Banking Services Department. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of USD $13,991,674 million United States Dollars, which he wished to have us turn over (invest) on his behalf. I was the officer assigned to his case; I made numerous suggestions in line with my duties as the de-facto chief operations officer of the Private Banking Services Department, especially given the volume of funds he wished to put into our bank.

 Few months later, his attention was needed regarding a business which I wanted to discuss with him but I was unable to reach him, I made futile efforts to locate him and immediately I passed the task of locating him to the internal investigations department of our bank. Four days later, information started to trickle in that he was apparently dead, dead of a heart attack in Cannes, South of France; gather more information it was confirmed that he actually pass away. The bank immediately launched an investigation into possible surviving next of kin to alert about the situation and also to come forward to claim his funds. If you are familiar with private banking affairs, those who patronize our services usually prefer anonymity, but also some levels of detachment from conventional processes. In his bio-data form, he listed no next of kin. In the field of private banking, opening an account with us means no one will know of its existence, accounts are rarely held under a name; depositors use numbers and codes to make the accounts anonymous. This bank also gives the choice to depositors of having their mail sent to them or held at the bank itself, ensuring that there are no traces of the account and as I said, rarely do they nominate next of kin. Private banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin also usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this case; he died Intestate.

There is USD$13,991,674 (Thirteen million, nine hundred and ninety one thousand, six hundred and seventy four united states dollars) deposited, I alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one unless I instruct them to do so. Also I alone know of the existence of this deposit as far as the finance firm is concerned, the transaction with our deceased customer concluded when I sent the funds to the firm, all outstanding interactions in relation to the file are just customer services and due process. The finance firm has no single idea of what's the history or nature of the deposit, they are simply awaiting instructions to release the deposit to any party that comes forward, and this is the situation. This bank has spent great amounts of money trying to track the family of the deceased; they have investigated for months and have found no family but however the investigation has officially come to an end.

My proposal; I am prepared to place you in a position whereby an instruction is given to the finance firm to officially release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation/associate, and all etiquette shall be done in accordance with the rule of law, I certainly can guarantee you that. By the common law, the power of bequeathing is coeval with the first rudiments of the law. There is no ruling which prevents an inheritance from being so exhausted by legacies as to render it unworthy of theirs acceptance; perfect operation whereby the paper work shall be co-ordinated in such a way that your status as a sole beneficiary is confirmed. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you in half and no more; that is: I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you; afterwards we share the proceeds 50/50.

I would have gone ahead to ask the funds be released to me, but that would have drawn a straight line to me and my involvement in claiming the deposit, but on the other hand, you as a indifferent foreigner would easily pass as the beneficiary with the rights to claim, I assure you that I could have the deposit released to you in a few days. I will simply inform our bank of the final closing of the file relating to the customer, I will then officially communicate with the finance company and instruct them to release the deposit to you; with these two things: all is done. The alternative would be for us to have the firm direct the funds to another bank with you as account holder, this way there will be no need for you to think of receiving the money from the firm. We can fine-tune this based on our interactions, I am aware of the consequences of this proposal and I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this mail. I ask also, that you do not be vindictive or destructive, if my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you; please do not destroy my career. You may not know this but people like me who have made tidy sums out of comparable situations run the whole private banking sector, I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this move. Such opportunities only come ones' way once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by and I hope you understand, because for once I found myself in total control and face to face with my destiny. These chances won't pass me by, I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me please let me know, and hence move on with my life, but do not destroy me; I am a family woman and this is an occasion to provide them with new opportunities. There is a reward for this project and it is a task well worth undertaking, I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to work with me and alerting my bank; I am the only one who knows of this situation, good fortune will bless you and plant you into the centre of relevance in my life, let’s share the blessing.

If you find yourself interested to work with me, please contact me specifically, if you give me positive signals, I will initiate this process towards a quick conclusion. It is necessary to inform you that under no condition should you contact me via official channels; I will simply deny knowing you and about this project. I repeat, I do not want you contacting me through our official lines neither do I want you contacting me through my official email account. I do not want any direct link between you and me. My official lines are not secure lines as they are periodically monitored to assess our level of customer care in line with our Total Quality Management policy, please observe this instruction religiously. Please, again, note I am a Family Woman; I am happily married with kids, I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences might be, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold, this is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients; do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord I shall have the pleasure of meeting you, after this task has been completed plan a meeting.

I await your response.

Mrs.Regina F.Jenson 



Exhibit 2, Assalamu Alaikum

ambardgi@iprimus.com.au

Can you help?

Dan Chiavetta (dan.chiavetta@gmail.com)

That's what she said

Sabah Rahil (sabah_rahil@hotmail.com)

Assalamu alaikum

My Beloved, I am Mrs. Rahil Sabah a citizen of Kuwait but currently residing in the United Kingdom. I was married to late Mamuod Ahmad of blessed memory who was an Oil Explorer in Kuwait & Russia for twelve years before he died in the year 2000. We were married for twelve years without a child; he died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Since his death, I too have been battling with both Cancer and fibroid problems. When my late Husband was alive he deposited a substantial amount of money worth $19.5Million with a bank in the United Kingdom which I inherited after his death.

Recently, my doctor told me that I have only 3 months to live due to my ailment. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to either a charity/orphanage home or devoted Allah (God) fearing individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct therein. I want this organization or individual to use this money in all sincerity to fund charity homes (Motherless Homes), orphanages, and widows.

I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husbands relatives are into radical organization as an unbeliever’s which I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an unholy manner, hence the reasons for this bold decision. Please, pray for me to recover as your prayers will go a long way in uplifting my spirit.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health condition which has seriously affected my speech and also because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.

As soon as I receive your reply, I shall give you further directives on what to do and how to go about actualizing this project. I will also instruct my lawyer to file an application on your behalf to the bank where the funds were deposited for the transfer of the money to you for this purpose. I want you to always pray for me.

Any delay in your reply will give room in sourcing for an organization or a devoted Individual for this same purpose.

Until I hear from you by email; my dreams will squarely rest on your shoulders.

Remain Blessed.

Yours truly,
Mrs. Rahil Sabah 

Exhibit 3, Crude Gas

Heru Margono (hmargono@bps.go.id)

I have a Crude Oil business project to discuss with you.
I want to send you details of this project.
Do confirm that your email address is still valid.
E-mail me on: ukriimj2@live.cn
Await your reply.

Dan Chiavetta (dan.chiavetta@gmail.com)

My girlfriend says I have crude gas after dinner 


-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, May 12, 2014

Is Chris Paul LA's Secret Weapon For Stopping Kevin Durant?


Midway through the 3rd quarter of Game 4, in consecutive trips up the floor, Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant tried to run simple pick and rolls. They were pleased to switch Durant's defender from Matt Barnes to Chris Paul both times. On the first play, Paul picked Durant's pocket clean, and quickly converted the steal to an assist. On the second, KD tried to back down Paul from the 3-point line and ended up falling over in an awkward sequence that led to the Clippers gaining possession on a jump ball. 

Fast forward to the 4th quarter. Down by 15 points with 11:07 left in the game, Paul, who played 45 of 48 minutes Sunday, checked back in and matched up on the 6'11" MVP. The next time Durant touched the ball, CP3 picked him clean again, raced down the court for an uncontested layup, and began erasing the 15-point deficit en route to winning the pivotal home game and tying the series at 2-2. 

Durant, who also played 45 minutes,  struggled down the stretch, unable to find a rhythm or get the ball in his desired spots. Paul contested Durant before, after, and during the catch, and never gave him an inch of breathing room. When Durant got deep post position, Paul fronted him effectively. When KD did receive a pass cleanly, the Clippers would immediately send a double team, which caused a number of Durant's 8 turnovers. 

When asked after the game if it was brilliant coaching, Doc Rivers responded, "I wouldn't call it brilliant coaching. I would call it desperate coaching." Rivers acknowledged that he and his assistant coaches talked about how well Tony Allen guarded Durant in Round 1, and that it favored the Clippers to force Durant into post-up situations against smaller players. 

The scouting report rang true. Kevin Durant, despite all of his accomplishments and abilities, is still developing the skills of an NBA forward. In Scott Brooks isolation offense, Durant plays most like a shooting guard, relying on his face-up game and long range shooting prowess. The problem is that he rarely runs off of screens like a shooting guard would, and has trouble, like many guards do, passing and dribbling effectively when being matched up against the league's top perimeter defenders. A player with a more polished post game and greater strength could have made the Clippers pay for putting their point guard on the scoring giant that is The Slim Reaper, but at this point in his career, he hasn't consistently shown the tools necessary to make that happen. 

To be fair, Durant had 40 points in the game. He made 15 of 18 free throws, and knocked down a tough contested jumper in the lane with Paul draped all over him. However, the simple fact that Durant had to work so hard to get even a difficult shot in the lane against a player 12 INCHES SHORTER THAN HIM is alarming. He won't develop a more refined back-to-the-basket game overnight, but catching the ball deeper in the post and being more patient against double teams could mitigate the effectiveness Paul's tenacious D has shown on the Durantula 

Basketball is a complex game and there are dozens of factors that led to the Clippers improbable comeback in Game 4. Darren Collison was outstanding, knifing his way into the lane for key buckets late, and proving that he deserves another chance at a starting role in the NBA. The Paul to Blake bounce passes on the pick and roll were executed with perfection and regularity, coming at crucial times for LA. In the Thunder's case, poor situational coaching, the inability to create uncontested shots, and untimely misses by Russell Westbrook were all contributing factors in the final minutes. These two teams have traded punches, and are left with a best of 3 series to decide who will advance. It will be interesting to see if Chris Paul's defense on Kevin Durant can make the difference for the Clippers. 

-John Fontanelli (@JohnAnthony37)

Friday, May 9, 2014

Have Any Of You Guys Ever Successfully Pulled Off The Surfboard?


Now obviously I'm not referring to riding waves Kelly Slater style, I'm talking about Beyonce hopping on the Pogo stick in the tub, like she alludes to in the popular sorority anthem Drunk in Love. Seems like it would make for a great time, especially if you got the water temperature right and throw in some added back support. My only question is how big of a tub would one need to pull this maneuver off? Maybe it's because I'm a hefty guy, or maybe it's because I live in a tiny studio apartment, but the thought of me taking a tub solo would undoubtedly result in some serious spillage of water. That's just simple physics (disclaimer: I don't know physics).

So my question to the loyal readers of the Weave is this- have you ever pulled off the Surfboard? If so, let us know how it went by sending an e-mail to dan.chiavetta@gmail.com. All responses will be posted anonymously unless instructed to do otherwise.




-fresh (@danye33)

Get To Know The Newest Giant- Odell Beckham Jr.


Big Blue made a big splash in round one of the NFL Draft last night at Radio City Music Hall. The Giants selected Odell Beckham Jr., a speedy (ran a 4.43 40 at the combine) wide receiver from LSU, with the 12th overall pick. I had irrationally gotten my hopes up for Johnny Football (even though quarterback is literally the last position of need for this team) or Aaron Donald, a beastly defensive tackle from Pitt, but the general consensus from Giants fans and experts on twitter was that it was a great pick. I learned a long time ago to trust GM Jerry Reese on draft day, and after doing a little research I am all in on Eli's newest weapon.

I know there are some concern that he may be a little undersized to play on the outside (5'11", 198 lbs), but he is a prolific route runner (something Reuben Randle is not) and has amazing hands. If he can manage to pass the pylons just one time next season it'll be an improvement from Hakeem Nicks. Plus the Jets were considering trading up for him and it always feels good to steal players away from our little brother.

The season may still be four months away, but the time is now to familiarize yourself with the ODB.

College stats:

2011- 41 rec, 475 rec yds, 2 rec TD
2012- 43 rec, 713 rec yds, 2 rec TD
2013- 59 rec, 1,152 rec yds, 8 rec TD (averaged 19.5 YPC)

He ran a field goal back 109 yards in a game vs. UAB last fall



His 2,315 all-purpose yards in 2013 were the second most in SEC history

He's an amazing dunker 



His fiancee, model Erica Mendez, is a certified smoke 



He played his high school ball at Isidore Newman School in New Orleans, the same school his new quarterback Eli Manning went to. 




Fun fact- ODB and COOPER Manning are the only two players in school history to record more than one thousand receiving yards in a single season!

Beckham was college teammates with fellow Giants receiver Rueben Randle 



I'm excited to see who else the Giants add as the draft moves along this weekend, but fans have got to be ecstatic that management addressed their play making needs this early.

Round 2 dream pick- Louis Nix III

-fresh (@danye33)

Weave Gotcha Covered- Dave Matthews Upside Down Guitar Medley



Been getting real hyped for their summer tour for about a week now. Listening to the Central Park album and various Live Trax on my walks to work because it's been so nice out. Then I stumbled upon this crazy cover and knew it was time to take it to the Weave. No words, just medleys, but sounds absolutely beautiful. Oh, and the fact that YouTube user Petesheeah plays the guitar upside down makes this video all the more awesome. 

Here's a list of all the songs featured- Dancing Nancies, Warehouse, #41, The Stone, Two Step, Seek Up, You Might Die Trying, So Much to Say, Say Goodbye, Drive in Drive out, Trippin Billies, Grey Street, Lover Lay Down, Too Much, Spaceman, What Would You Say, Minarets, Big Eyed Fish, Pig, Jimi Thing, Rooftop, Ants Marching, Lie in Our Graves, Grace is Gone, Pantala Naga Pampa, Let You Down, Rapunzel, Save Me, Rhyme and Reason, Squirm, Last Stop, Recently, Old Dirt Hill, Corn Bread, Raven, Everyday, #34, What You are, Satellite, Proudest Monkey, One Sweet World

-fresh (@danye33)

NFL Draft Lament


"The draft used to be an event. Now it’s just another random ESPN program on a weeknight."

Of the four main American sports, the longest offseason belongs to the most popular, football. That sport features the most exciting offseason event in the annual NFL draft, a weekend celebration of football that helps fans cope with the six long months without their beloved sport. This glorious spectacle, however, is not what it once was, thanks to an over-zealous commissioner who seems hell-bent on leaving a lasting mark on the league. Be it positive or negative.

I have fond memories of the NFL draft. I recall waking up those Saturday mornings full of anticipation after months of buildup, usually nervous about all the ways the Jets could screw up their picks. I remember meeting up with friends sometime around 11:30 so that we wouldn’t miss the start at noon. It always seemed to be a beautiful spring day outside, appropriately reflecting the boundless optimism each team’s fanbase feels heading into the draft. The day would be filled with chips, hot dogs, burgers, and later on, beer. The first 3 rounds would not end until the sun set. It was simply a marvelous day, and an important one at that. All teams’ futures depend on how well they draft. This importance added to the already exciting day. Alas, this entire experience has undergone immense change since Roger Goodell decided to fix something that wasn’t broke. The NFL Draft now takes place over 3 days, Thursday and Friday nights, and Saturday afternoon.

This change of format has had profound changes for the actual participants, not just the fans. Separating what used to be ‘Day 1’ of the draft (rounds 1-3) into 3 days without a doubt affects teams’ strategies. I always felt that the transition from the first to the second round was maybe the most important point in the draft. Some first rounds talents end up falling into the second round, which makes picks 33-40 (give or take) crucial for teams potentially trading up to get a target that fell. Because the draft used to continue until the first 3 rounds were complete on Saturday, this moment in the draft required quick thinking and deft movements on the part of the 32 clubs. The savvy teams would get their guys, while the inept front offices would be left scratching their heads. Now, everyone gets a full day to regroup and evaluate the scenarios present. Some may prefer this way, but for me, the hectic start to the second round was a huge plus of the old draft format.

The biggest impact, though, is of course on us fans. The Saturdays I described above are no more. The 1st round now takes place on Thursday evening, and guess what. I will be at work during the whole thing. I won’t get to hear Mel Kiper recite the players’ stats like he’s an encyclopedia. No kicking it with friends with snacks and a few beers. This is the second year in a row that this has happened, and now those happy draft images are becoming mere memories. The draft used to be an event. Now it’s just another random ESPN program on a weeknight. Shame on you Roger Goodell.

This blog was originally published on 4/26/12

-Chooch

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I Met Rapper White Nawty At McDonalds At 4 am. Check Out His Tribute (?) Tat To Howard Stern

Embedded image permalink



I just got back from accompanying a co-worker on a 4 am pilgrimage to Micky D's for some coffee. While waiting in line I encountered one of the most bizarre characters I've ever met in my entire life.

His rap name is White Nawty, though he told me he's in the process of getting that changed to The White Nagger (a play on words from the popular South Park sketch). During our brief convo I learned a few interesting tidbits from this strange fellow.

  • He's part of a rap posse up in Harlem
  • His goal is to appear on the Howard Stern Show, get his video (embedded above) to go viral and "not work another day in my life"
  • He allegedly went to high school with Weird Al Vankovic
  • DDP Yoga once helped a man lose one hundred pounds and gain the ability walk again after a "lying" doctor told him he would be unable to do so 
  • He ordered a hot fudge sundae (respect the hell out of that move) but was told the machine was out of order
  • I forget what he ended up ordering, but paid using three crumpled up singles and asked the cashier "if the upstairs seating area had ketchup?"
And just like that, in the bite of a french fry, he was gone into the abyss. So many questions left unanswered, but none bigger than "Will Howard Stern ever suck his black balls?". 

The world may never know. 

-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

7 Takeaways From Clippers-Thunder Game 1



1. Chris Paul played the best game of his career, and he sat the entire fourth quarter.

Epic. Astounding. Masterful. Beyond the 32 spectacular points in 28 minutes, the 8 magnificently made 3-pointers, the artful pocket passes and transcendent court-vision that led to 10 assists, it was hard to watch Game 1 and not feel short-changed. Could you imagine what CP3 would have done if OKC kept the game close? Could he have hung up 45 and 15? How about 50 points and 10 made 3's? 

Chris Paul's performance was both clinical and crafty. He dominated with unmatched intensity and relative ease, controlling the game and the basketball like a yo-yo on a string. There were looming questions about his health, but it was Paul himself who looked surgical. After out-dueling Steph Curry for 7 games, it's clear that CP came into Oklahoma City ready to trade punches with Russell Westbrook. Monday night, it was the entire Thunder defense picking themselves collectively up off the canvas.


2. Russell Westbrook looked frantic, reckless, and out of control, and no one is surprised.

The polarizing point guard didn't do himself any favors in Game 1. Leaving the huddle early to sit at the far end of the bench. Air balling a three-pointer in transition. Committing some of the most unnecessary and egrigious turnovers imaginable. And yet his greatest shortcoming was that he just simply wasn't Chris Paul. Russell's 29 points on 9 of 14 shooting and 9 of 10 from the line will go unmentioned. In order for the Thunder to turn this series around, they'll need Russell to do more than heat up. They'll need him to keep his cool. 

3. DeAndre Jordan has been unleashed.

Doc Rivers has been touting DJ all season, saying and doing everything possible to show the young center just how much his coach believes in his talents. After averaging 15 rebounds and 4 blocks against the Bogut-less Warriors, Jordan carried that momentum vigorously into Round 2. In addition to protecting the paint, he recorded 4 tenacious steals and flew aggressively across the court for rebounds and loose balls. The only thing proven to shake DeAndre's confidence continues to be missed free throws (1 of 8 in Game 1). Scott Brooks began intentionally fouling him in the 3rd quarter, and it will be interesting to see if he goes to the strategy earlier in Game 2. 

4. Blake Griffin is challenging Steven Adams as the most likely player in this series to get punched in the face.


Blake doesn't care that Adams has gotten FIVE players suspended this season (most recently Zach Randolph). In the 3rd quarter, Griffin put Serge Ibaka in a subtle leglock that Bret Hart would be less than proud of. Ibaka got called for a technical foul, and Griffin proved to Adams that it's going to take years of posterizing, posturing, and provoking to dethrone Blake as the NBA's most hated big man. 


5. Steve Kerr will be missed on TNT when he's coaching the Knicks next season. 

NBA Broadcast Partner Power Rankings

1) Marv Albert and Steve Kerr
Enjoyable, insightful, and worthy of the top spot. Marv even jokes with Steve about "taxing him" with too many "coaching questions". Kerr's days beneath a headset are numbered.

2) Mike Tirico and Hubie Brown
Tirico is better here than on Monday Night Football, and Hubie is a basketball fan's ideal mentor. Casual fans may not appreciate his brilliance, but Brown has proven his hoops knowledge to be unmatched.

3) Mike Breen and Jeff Van Gundy
Breen has been one of, if not the best, NBA broadcasters for a long time, but Van Gundy's inescapable Van Gundy-ness drop them to 3rd. It's too bad we'll have to listen to the JVG schtick in The Finals again this year. 

4) Kevin Harlan and Reggie Miller
Not a bad duo considering one is a poor man's Marv Albert and the other is the the King of Hyperbole who talks 125% more than he should. Somehow Miller is still more tolerable than Van Gundy.

5) Ian Eagle and Chris Webber


Never Forget.

6. Durant is going to get his no matter what, and it might not matter.

If the Thunder lose the point guard and coaching match-ups in this series, it's going to take an ESPN Classic performance from KD for the Thunder to have a chance. When he's not going against the slow-footed, perpetually swearing Matt Barnes, he'll likely see various doses of Blake Griffin (when OKC plays small), Danny Granger (decaying before our eyes), Jared Dudley (a gangly-armed turnstile of a defender), Hedo Turkoglu (unapologetically ineffective), and Willie Green, who continues to be Willie Green. According to Doc Rivers that might not matter. Paraphrasing Steve Kerr, who was paraphrasing Doc, there are Jordan Rules that involve crowding the lane, Curry Rules that involve corralling on the pick and rolls, but there are no Durant Rules. In his 2nd quarter interview, Doc seemed less concerned with slowing down Durant, and more concerned with stopping his Thunder Framily. Team defense will be the key for the Clippers going forward, more so than focusing on the probable league MVP

Chris Paul Stepback

7. Because it was a blowout, we didn't learn as much as we hoped.

This was the worst home loss for the Thunder since moving to Oklahoma City. Chris Paul's previous career high was 5 3-pointers, and he went 8 of 9. Clippers fans would like to believe that their team has been galvanized in the last 10 days, and is finally reaching it's potential. Thunder fans would rather see Game 1 as home loss to a team that shot the lights out anomalously. So many aspects of this series still remain unclear. How will the bigs matchup? Who on the Thunder will guard Chris Paul and Blake Griffin in crunch time? Which members of the Jackson/Fisher/Sefolosha/Butler quartet will Oklahoma City lean on? All we can hope for is six more games from two of the NBA's most entertaining teams.

-John Fontanelli (@JohnAnthony37)

Everything You Need To Know (And See) About The Girl Who Got Hit In The Head With A Shovel



One of the downfalls to working the overnight shift is not being able to partake in the birthing of internet legends in real time. I didn't get a lot of sleep this weekend, and crashed for a full twelve hours from 10 am to 10 pm on Monday before rushing to get to work on time. During my slumber I missed out on biggest Vine fight since Sharkeisha- Shovel Girl.

Shovel Girl, whose government, or at the very least twitter name, is Miranda Fugate (her account gained more than 10k followers on Monday alone before being suspended), became internet famous when a video of her getting whacked in the back of a head with a shovel went viral.

Miranda had been winning the one on one fight with the unnamed teen in black prior to the assault with a deadly weapon, though the origins of the beef remain unknown.

Below you can find the eight minute fight video in its entirety, as well in gif form, vine form and several hilarious remixes (Jim Ross treatment, Kendrick Lamar remix, etc).

The Vine that broke the internet



In gif form



Full video 



Jim Ross treatment



Kendrick Lamar treatment



Shovel Girl's Twitter cover photo 



The Illuminati Conspiracy 



-fresh (@danye33

Thursday, May 1, 2014

#TBT That Time Kelly Rowland Texted Her Boyfriend Using Excel And Got Mad That He Didn't Respond



***UPDATE***

Oh you know, just a casual 503 favs on my tweet. Nbd but kbd. 

-fresh (@danye33)

The End Of An Era- Rob Ford Is Headed To Rehab



Toronto's lovable, yet highly controversial, mayor is heading to rehab. In a press released Wednesday night Ford said:

Tonight I want to take some time to speak from my heart to the people of Toronto. It’s not easy to be vulnerable and this is one of the most difficult times in my life. I have a problem with alcohol, and the choices I have made while under the influence. I have struggled with this for some time.
Today, after taking some time to think about my own well-being, how to best serve the people of Toronto and what is in the best interests of my family, I have decided to take a leave from campaigning and from my duties as Mayor to seek immediate help.
I have tried to deal with these issues by myself over the past year. I know that I need professional help and I am now 100% committed to getting myself right.
I love the people of Toronto, I love being your mayor and I hope you will continue to stand by me.
With the support of my family, friends, professionals and the people of Toronto, I will conquer this.
Please keep me and my family in your prayers during these difficult days ahead.
I just want to say to the people of Toronto that I thank you for your ongoing support and encouragement. I cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate it.
Mayor Rob Ford

The decision to step away from the campaign trail came after new audio emerged of the mayor drunkenly cursing and threatening patrons at a bar Monday night. In the video Ford can be heard saying "I'd like to fucking jam her (mayoral contender Karen Stintz) but she doesn't want...I can't talk about this here." He goes on to use threatening language while ordering a drink ("Give me a shot right now or I'll fucking break your legs" and opens up about his disdain for public office ("I'm so fucking sick of politics, dude. Look at my record.").

The Globe and The Mail also released still images that depict the mayor allegedly smoking crack Sunday night in his sister's basement (pictured at top of article). Reporters from both publications claim to have watched the yet-to-be released video.

Ford was stripped of his mayoral duties last fall after he admitted to having smoked crack-cocaine during one of his "drunken stupors," after a first video unearthed of him using.

I hope he can pull himself together, and if doesn't get re-elected in October, knows that America will welcome him with open arms.

In the meantime, please join me in taking a gif-trip down memory lane with the People's Mayor.

(At the very least, watch this "Rob Ford: The Movie" trailer. It's truly amazing.)


























Don't ever change.

-fresh (@danye33)

Chillest Bro Ever Asks Reporter Out During Live Wildfire Coverage



Look, I've said it once and I'll say it again. There are only three things in life that can get a man laid without having to pay for it and that's looks, humor and confidence, and I'll be damned if that wasn't the cockiest move I've ever seen in my life. This dude just went on a shirtless stroll with his dog under his arm, in the midst of a colossal wildfire, and the only thing on his mind was getting ass. He saw the cameras, saw the mic and seized his opportunity. And you know what? I bet that chick LOVED it. Probably made her day. Like if the cameras hadn't started rolling yet and he pulled that move there is no way he walks away from that situation without her phone number.

Also gotta love his response to her "what do you think of the fire?" question. You know she was banking on a scared response, but he hit her with the "it's pretty cool" and completely caught her off guard. Didn't even know how to respond. Tongue twisted like you read about.

That's on her though. Shoulda known better than to think that the imminent threat of losing your house in a wildfire would phase a shirtless guy who basically just proposed to you on national TV.

-fresh (@danye33)