Lost in Friday's Bill Simmons Mailbag, which centered around the ultimate #FirstWorldSportsProblem of whether or not he should go to Vegas for the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight or stay in Los Angeles for Game 7 of the Clippers/Spurs series (despite having a family obligation that rendered the whole question useless), comes this incredibly insensitive hypothetical about being in the same room as cocaine and resurrecting the late Len Bias from his grave. Take it away Bill!
"Now, some might say I cheated by not including the other Bill Simmons — a.k.a. “El Wingador,” the renowned chicken wing eating champion who went to jail for cocaine trafficking. But I’ve been in the same room with cocaine only once in my life — during Game 7, 2004 ALCS, the bathroom of an undisclosed Boston bar, when I had gone in there to pee and inadvertently walked in on two guys snorting lines off the bathroom sink. (In their defense, the Red Sox were trying to come back from 3-0 and there were no laws in Boston that night.) It’s true: Lenny Bias blew three to four Celtics titles, but he also ruined any chance of me ever trying cocaine.
That raises a separate mailbag question (I’ll save you the energy): Would I rather have those three to four titles and maybe four to five extra Bird-McHale years (since Bias would have extended their careers) even if it meant there would have been a good chance I’d have at leastcocaine in college (and then who knows?) … or would I rather keep things the way they were? And the answer, obviously, is OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE WANTED THE EXTRA TITLES AND THE EXTRA BIRD-MCHALE YEARS!!! ARE YOU CRAZY??????? Oh screw it, I’m going to hell anyway."
The above text comes at the tail end of a response to a question about what the tanking nickname should be for NBA team's interested in acquiring the services of Australian phenom Ben Simmons.
Somehow, Bill managed to turn this question into a #humblebrag about never having tried cocaine, while (not so) secretly wishing that wasn't the case. What he is essentially asking is would be worth it to reverse one of the biggest sports tragedies of the past thirty years, and bring a young man back from the dead, on the off chance that he might not have the self control to stay away from blow.
Yup... these are my writers.