Friday, January 29, 2010

Some Jams for the Weekend

Like my partner (pause) Dan, I'd also like to apologize for the lack of posts lately. I blame it on blunt smoke, binge drinking, bugging about graduating, and an overall lack of ambition. So to our loyal readers (do we have any?) I promise more entertainment from the 2 Man Weave. This one will be short since it's Friday and I got business to take care of, but here's some tunes to pleasure your ears for the weekend...Enjoy:

An awesome song by one of the baddest dudes ever.

If you're like me and struggling with the single life, here's the anthem for those lonely Saturday nights.

If you spend your weekend (or everyday for that matter) in a marijuana haze, here's something to jam to.

And for those of you who go to school up north, it's cold out there; so here's some heat:
Awiez Productions was started by a very, very close friend of mine over the summer, and he's been on his grind and in the studio constantly, so please support this movement.

Also Rest In Peace to J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" was one of the first books that left me saying "wow" when I was done reading it. So thank you Mr. Salinger for having a profound impact on my life and opening my eyes to great literature.

Monday, January 25, 2010

"Whatcha Say" This Sounds A Little Familiar?

First off, a little apology for slacking with my writing of late. I'm going to go ahead and blame it on my return to college, and the 48 hour binge drinking session that came along with it. However, with classes starting up today (for most people, no Mon-Fri's for me), I figured now would be a good time to get back to business. One of the many thoughts that I pondered today, while laying in bed til mid-afternoon, was how I could become famous, therefore allowing me to sleep this late all the time and never have to pull the 9-5 hustle. Sure lots of ideas came to mind, i.e creating something of importance, writing a novel, discovering superhuman powers that I don't yet know that I posses, you know, all the usual ideas. I mean people become famous everyday for various reasons, maybe one day it could be me?
But it wasn't until the drive to get lunch when a certain song came on the radio, that I was reminded just how easy it can be to get famous. As long as you steal from the right people.
The song that I'm referring to is called "Whatcha Say" by Haitian singer Jason Derulo. Now if your not like me, and don't immediately change the station whenever you hear this awful song, then your probably familiar with it. It reached the #1 spot on the Billboard Hot 100 this November, and has been giving me headaches since early fall. I guess the song could be considered "catchy", but the only part of the song that anyone ever sings along to or actually likes about it is the chorus. That's where it gets interesting...

The video above is a song called "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap. The first few times I heard this song came during a couple crucial moments from "The O.C." season 2. The first time was at Caleb's funeraland the next time was when Marissa shoots Trey (at the 2:49 mark), during a heated fight with Ryan in the seasons final scene.
The fact of the matter is that an artist (Derulo) is gaining fame, notoriety, and money from a song that he sampled from another singer, all the while the girl who created the song originally still hasn't achieved the level of popularity that the person who used their work to make a name for himself has. Now I know that's part of the "business" and we live in a "finders keepers" type of world, but still I don't think a little shine for Imogen Heap is that out of the question here? Bottom line is that without the sample from "Hide and Seek", "Whatcha Say" would not exist and the world would not have to be subjected to Derulo's whiny voice.
I think my core reason for not liking "Whatcha Say" is because, for me personally, it takes away so much from the original. It used to be that hearing that "ohhh whatcha sayyy" from the song would remind me of either "The O.C.", high school in general, or listening to J.P.'s ipod during stat class, and now it just reminds me of shitty pop music. I guess that is what hurts the most for me. A relatively unknown song, that I used to be able to connect and relate to, has now been transformed into a "pop hit" that means absolutely nothing to me.

The transgression between the "whatcha sayyy" from its part in "Hide and Seek" to Derulo's chorus reminds me a lot of Micha Barton's life path. Started out beautiful, ended up a train wreck.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Take The "How Well Can You Beat Up The Beat?" Quiz

With the last episode of "Jersey Shore" just hours away, I thought now would be a good time to bust out my newly created "How well can you beat up the beat?" quiz for all you die hard fans out there. I don't know what you all have planned for tonight, but I know where I'll be. Curled up in a ball with a box Kleenex watching the finale of the greatest reality television series of all time. It's been a great run, and if you think I'm done writing/obsessing/referring to it, your sadly mistaken. Expect a season and finale re-cap shortly, along with my end of season awards column. Until then, stay creepin'.

How Hard Do You Fist Pump?
1) Which character on "Jersey Shore" has a tanning bed in their house?

The Situation



Pauley D

Click the "take quiz" button. My apologies for the terrible spacing

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Greatest (unintentional) Marketing Scheme Of All Time

As I walked the halls of the Palisades Mall earlier today, while doing my last ever back-to-school shopping trip, I couldn't help but feel a bit nostalgic (and disgusted) as I walked past a certain store. In case the picture of the band L.F.O. didn't give it away, the store I'm talking about is Abercrombie & Fitch. For the past few years, A&F (for short) has become somewhat of a joke to my friends and I, whenever we pass by it at the mall. The shirtless models that greet you upon entry, mixed with blaring new age/house-ish music and over-priced tacky T-shirt's such as "Please Come Again" or "Show The Twins" have become the trademark of a one time favorite store of mine. Sure the fact that I'm 21 years old, and have not purchased anything in that store since my high school days might have something to do with it, but nevertheless, it is almost sad to see such a fall from grace for that store, with my own eyes.

Looking back now, the fact the I ever stepped foot in that store repulses me. The fact that Abercrombie was my go to store for personal use, and to buy gifts for my girlfriends/sister is laughable. But before I make fun of myself anymore for wearing "Fierce" cologne, or rocking pink polo's with my collar popped, I must first take you back to where it all began. The song (or enigma) that started the craze, and taught us all to "Like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch."

It was the summer of 1999. MTV was at the height of its popularity, and the music industry was filled with stars who gained that title with far more style than substance. The Backstreet Boys "Wanted It That Way", Ricky Martin was "Livin La Vida Loca", and all the while *NSYNC was insisting that "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You" while Brittney hit you "Baby One More Time." It was a great time to be eleven years old. Catchy beats, pretty girls on the T.V. screen insinuating things that I wouldn't understand for years to come, and a never ending array of boy-bands constantly coming out with hit after hit (hit in terms of popularity and money generated, by no means talent). But for all the dime a dozen boy bands that came out around that time, all the 98 degrees and O-Towns of the world, there was one "band" that seemed different, a cut above the rest you may say. This band was called Lyte Funkie Ones (L.F.O. to all the normal people out there), and they hit the airwaves with a sense of comedy/light heartedness that made them fan favorites from the get go.

Summer Girls peaked at #3 on the charts in the summer of 1999, and to my fellow Z100 listeners and I, it became the theme song to our summer. Although most of (95% to be exact) the lyrics make no sense what-so-ever, there was still two things that we were able to get out of this song. One of these two things, was that the "band" missed a girl who "loves fun dip and cherry coke" that has been "gone since that summer." The other thing we got out that song was that "rock stars" liked girls that wore Abercrombie & Fitch, therefore, you weren't cool unless you wore Abercrombie & Fitch.

I still remember going back to school shopping with my mom before sixth grade that August, and buying a bottle of cologne from there along with a green T-shirt, and thinking I was the man. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only person who thought this way, and for the next five or six years Abercrombie became the place to shop. Every school dance, and day for that matter, was fulled with hats, skirts, shirts and jeans from that store. Sure we all went through our rebellious phases and rocked Ecko, or U.F.O. pants from time to time, but at the heart of it at all, everyone wanted to wear A&F. It really speaks dividends to our society as a whole, and how marketing and product placement truly works. Looking back on it now, it is so crazy for me to comprehend that because of a simple song, I went from not even knowing a certain store existed, to immediately obsessing over it and needing to have that type of clothing. This is the one example that I can most relate to, where I wanted something that I really didn't need, strictly because of the influence of media in my life.
Maybe the Abercrombie phase was inevitable, and I would have ended up shopping there regardless. At the time I wasn't aware what brands the older kids were wearing, but I can say with 100% certainty that "Summer Girls" was a catalyst in terms of getting me into that store, and the idea in my head.

One last thought on the topic: Lead singer/the only guy from the band anyone somewhat remembers, Rich Cronin was 24 when "Summer Girls" first got air-time. In the song, he sings about how he "likes girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch". I'm 21 years old, and I feel like if I even look at a girl that still "wears Abercrombie and Fitch" I could get sent to jail. Maybe times have changed, and perhaps ten years ago the store had an older following. Either that, or L.F.O. was a bunch of pedophiles.

"Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks,
My mind takes me back there oh so quick"


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Phenomenon that is the Female MC

The place of the female rapper has always been an interesting one in the hip hop and rap industry. The issue that arises is that women MCs write lyrics that are almost perverse, and can make the male listener feel very uncomfortable. This makes for a lack of appeal to a broad audience and continues to hold women rappers down; however, they will just not go away. I appreciate their hard work and definitely respect how much harder it is for a woman to come up in a man's world, but I really don't like to hear about their sexual acts, and how many men they have slept with, as well as how well they perform fellatio; to me that is just not what a respectable woman should be talking about.

The first Ruff Ryders record, Ryde or Die Vol. 1, will always go down as one of my favorite albums of all times. The album features incredible production by Swizz Beats and phenomenal songs from a young DMX, and my favorite rap trio of all time The L.O.X. However, there are two songs in particular that I always have to skip: Eve's "What Ya Want", and Big Pun's "Pina Colada". "What Ya Want'" has one of the best beats I have ever heard, yet, the braggadocio rhymes by female MC Eve make me borderline uncomfortable. The following lines almost make me wanna never listen to rap again out of fear that a female rapper might pop out of no where and drop a verse that will make me cringe:
Eve handcuff niggaz but I don't arrest em
Shorty-bang hear the niggaz singin, shoutin my name
Make the thuggish niggaz scream, watchin me entertain
Dicks brick when I lick the lips, just keepin it plain
Fantasizin bout this bitch, got em goin insane
Oooh's and ahhh's, 5'7" thick in the thighs
Every thugs dream wife, see the love in they eyes?
My time to shine, whole package make her a dime

The line "Eve handcuff niggaz but I don't arrest 'em" makes me question how someone can even agree to put out a song like this. To my knowledge the popular demographic among hip-hop fans is men, so how can a man rap along, or nod his head to a song that applauds S&M and a woman performing fellatio?- it's impossible. Yes, male rappers frequently rap about the women they have slept with and their sexual escapades, and unfortunately this is accepted in society, so why would a woman rap about the same things if she knows she will only be labeled as a "slut" and a whore"? It just does not make sense to me.

The Big Pun song, "Pina Colada" doesn't feature a female rapper per say, but the opening line to this song is "Where my niggaz with the big dicks?" sung by a woman, which makes me immediately hit next on my iPod. In a male dominated world there seems to be no place for the female rapper, which explains the lack of them in the history of hip-hop music. During the beginning of the music, women rappers frequently rapped about women uniting together and the problem's facing women during the time. But as time wore on, and male sexual escapades became more openly accepted, women were and continue to be seen as objects, as demonstrated by almost every single hip-hop video that has come out in the last fifteen years. So ladies, I respect your hustle, but the rap game is really not a wise career decision, so please put your talents to a better use. And, don't let me get started on Nicki Minaj from Lil Wayne's camp because she may be the worst thing that has ever happened to music.

Anyway, for those of you who started class today like myself, here is something to bop along too:

Monday, January 18, 2010

In Honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day... A Ukranian Band Covering "Hot 'n' Cold"!

Without inspiration from the good doctor himself, we may never have seen this timeless classic.


Nate Keading Does His Best Ray Finkle Impersonation

So the Jets miracle playoff run will continue after a 17-14 nail biting win in San Diego yesterday. However, despite the Jets gritty, never-give-up defense and stellar run game, you couldn't help but get a sense that there was a little "Angels In The Outfield" taking place out there, making sure certain things went their way. Except this time, it was "Angels in the End-zone".

In the movie "Angels In The Outfield" a young boy is sent to live in a foster home near Anaheim, California. In an early scene from the trailer, you see said boy ask his father "When can we be a family again?", and is answered with a response of "I'd say when the Angels win the pennant." First off, where does this father rank on the list of "Worst Dad's of All Time"? I say somewhere between Chris Benoit and Danny Bonaduce. When the Angels win the pennant, really? Your going to put the future of your family/son's happiness in the hands of a then obsolete baseball team? Anyways long story short, kid prays to God ("If there is a God") and asks if "Maybe you could help them win a little" and next thing you know there are literally angels in the outfield helping the team win, and leading them towards a pennant.

And that is the EXACT feeling I got while watching the Jets/Chargers game. Seriously, was the reuniting of a family on the line somewhere? Was some poor orphan from Newark promised a return to his father if the Jets won, then made a prayer, and had it executed to perfection? I mean the Revis interception had to be one of the luckiest plays I've ever seen. Now I know what your thinking; "He's the best player in the league, and great players always come up in the clutch," which may be true, be lets be honest here, the ball landed in his lap after taking three miraculous bounces and he didn't know it was coming until it hit him in the stomach.

The other "Angels in the End-zone" moment came every time Nate Keading attempted a field goal. The former Pro-Bowler missed all three FG's he attempted, including a crucial one from 40 yards out that the Chargers desperately needed, down 10, with 4:38 to go in the game. This
game further cements Keading's place as one of the all-time great choke artists of the decade. This is the same guy who once missed an overtime would-be game winning playoff field goal in 2005 versus the Jets, and a would-be game tying field goal late in a playoff game versus the Patriots in 2006. His career record for post-season field goals is a dismal 3-9, and I think its long overdue that the Chargers start planning for a future without him. It has become quite apparent that he is not head strong at all, and from the second he went out there to attempt his last field goal in the fourth, did anybody seriously think he had a chance? The guy is a modern day Ray Finkle.

For those of you who don't know who Ray Finkle is, here is some quick background info:

Soccer style kicker graduated from Cauler high June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA division 1 records one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," The first and only pro athlete to come out of Cauler County and one hell of a model American...

However, he also missed a chip-shot game winning field goal in the '83 Super Bowl that cost the Dolphin's the game (in the movie Ace Ventura), and years later, after escaping from a mental institution under the assumed identity of a missing hiker Lois Einhorn, kid-napped Dan Marino in a revenge scheme gone sour.

Although the similarities are mind-blowing, for his families sake I hope Nate Keading doesn't turn out the way Finkle did.
"He found Captain Winkie!"


Saturday, January 16, 2010

Saturday Afternoon Rant (Facebook Status Edition)

Alright so today is a busy day for me; sister's home from college so I'm doing the family thing, along with squeezing in basketball at open gym, the NFL Playoffs, and going out in the city tonight, but before all that I just wanted to get this quick little rant out about Facebook status updates.
Is there anything more annoying then the overbearing, habitual status up-dating "friend" of yours that constantly takes over your News Feed like they're Alexander The Great? Granted, if your doing something out of the ordinary, or have a funny/important link or quote that you want people to see then by all means do it. But I'm appalled at all of the over use of these status updates on meaningless shit.

Here's a list of the three most annoying types of statuses, in no particular order because I hate them all equally.

1. The "Gym" or "Gym'in it" status. This is one of the more repetitive trends, that I'm guaranteed to see at any given time, while on Facebook. Okay, we get it . You work out a lot, and like to make that fact known. To everyone. Everyday. Seriously, there's some people out there that you look at their page, and everyday at the same time you see "Gym" or "Getting my swell on" or any basic derivative of that sentence. Look, if you're really going to the gym that much, I can tell by looking at three pictures of you. I don't need you constantly beating it into my head everyday.

2. The "Hit the cell"/"Text me"/"Call me"/"Cells good" status. Question: Has anyone ever called or texted a person, simply because they felt instructed to by looking at their status? My answer: No. And if you have, that's just creepy. The constant need for someone to "text me :)" or "cell's gravy" reeks of desperation, and is a huge pet peeve of mine. If I want to call/text you, I can assure you that I will. I don't need your in-your-face attempt at conversation wasting precious New Feed space.

3. The "Derek Jeter is my hero" (after he hits a home run)/"I can't believe he missed that"/"Touchdown baby!" status. Basically, anytime there is a popular game on television, and the whole Facebook community feels the need to update their status simultaneously while the game unfolds. Example, A-Rod hits a home run in the ALCS, and within 5 minutes your News Feed is BLOWN UP by Yankee's fans writing "Homerunnnn!!!!", "Lets go Yanks we got this", "Did you see that fucking home-run?" (which btw to answer that question, yes I did see that fucking home run, the whole world saw that fucking home run, hence there is no need to write about it you loser), or worse, the girls that refer to him as their "husband" that just went yard. It doesn't make you a "better fan" by doing so, in fact, leaving the television to go to a computer to write that makes you a "worse fan", and if you're updating your status from your phone then that just makes you even more pathetic. Once again, I can sympathize with you when there is a truly amazing moment worth updating your status for, i.e. David Tyree's catch or a walk off/intense victory in the playoffs, but every time Mark Sanchez throws a first quarter touchdown we don't need you writing about it like he just pulled off Montana to Clark for the comeback win versus Dallas in '82.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, I just thought of a new situation where the phrase "going raw" can be applied to. How about anytime you are at the gym without an Ipod on? Is there a more risky/dangerous maneuver then going to the gym without music? I personally feel unmotivated, lost, and out of place without headphones on at the gym, but get me in there with full battery life and I'm training like Stallone in Rocky IV. Anyways, just a thought, hopefully it catches on.

Lastly, I'll leave the Jet's fans with some old highlights to get them in the spirit for the big game tomorrow!


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Some Good Isht

In my recent quest to wet my musical palette, I have come across an extremely talented musician in Ryan Leslie. His music is a bit softer than what I'm used to- he makes the type of songs that make you just wanna hug your girl and tell her how much you care about her, plus I tend to stay away from people who have to first names- but his production skills are so superior I find myself rewinding almost every track. His self titled album has been in constant rotation recently and I will definitely be checking for new music from R.Les

After doing some research, I learned that Ryan Leslie scored a perfect score on his SATs at the age of 15, and graduated from Harvard at 19- so his credentials speak for themselves. I also stumbled across his youtube channel (RyanLeslieTv) and found out that this man is probably one of, if not, the best producer in music right now; he is an absolute beast behind the boards. Anyway here's some tracks to check out for yourselves, plus a video of him at work:

This beat leaves me in awe every time I hear it. There is so much going on that the listener really has to pay attention, or the entire song will go over their head. The beat drop into the piano solo gets me every single time. Plus, there's a feature from my man Fabolous- always a positive.

This is one of the more rugged beats he does, but he nicely shows his vocal range throughout the song.

"Gibberish" is sung in exactly that, gibberish. Leslie utilizes auto-tune for this track, and probably made one of the better auto-tune inspired songs of the era.

The making of "Addiction" is showcased in this video, and truly shows the multifaceted talents this musician possesses.

Unfortunately, with the state of music today, Ryan Leslie may never get the respect he truly deserves, but if you're into good music keep an eye out for any projects including R. Les.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Did LT write/film this video while on Acid?

Not since the release of Jay-Z's "D.O.A." has auto-tune ever been done such a disservice. I don't think I've ever seen a more absurd creation in my entire life. Between the cheesy football dance moves, the 1980's Miami pastel color scheme, and the ugliest ensemble of background dancers ever brought together in one video, this has to go down as the most epic failure of all time, right? I'm not kidding when I ask if the guy at the 1:34 mark is homeless? I mean if he is, then by all means, kudos to you LT for being a good samaritan and giving the guy some employment, I'm just not sure if that's the case?

Is this what all athletes do when they realize they're 3 years past their prime? Take acid and film yourself doing routine football moves in white suites? I've re-watched this over 10 times now trying to figure out which part of the song (if you want to call it that) I found to be the most creepy. After much debate, I settled on the :58 second mark where LT says "See your uncle" and points at a homeless, Jerry Garcia lookalike, wearing a "Hit That Hole" t-shirt with his arm bent at a 90 degree angle moving in front of his head like he's Brittney Spears. Now I don't know what LT's uncles look like, but mine sure as hell don't resemble burnt out hippies.

Long story short, if your an athlete, and you want to dip your toes in the rap game or music biz, at least make yourself look cool and surround yourself with hot chicks. Don't dance around with the guys who ride on the short bus, or dudes from the homeless shelter. Deion knew what was up, but then again, not everyone can be prime time.


Introducing The D.A.N.Y.E. System

After much thought and deliberation, I have finally created a rating scale to judge movies on. It hits on all major aspects of a movie (Dialogue, Awe Factor, Nudity, "Yes" Factor and Entertainment Level), and after reading through it, should give you a better insight as to whether or not this movie will be appealing to you. So, without further ado, the first ever D.A.N.Y.E. review for....

Youth In Revolt

Dialogue- As is the case with most Micheal Cera films, this movie was jam-packed with smart, witty dialect, that comes at you so quickly and effortlessly that if you don't pay close attention, can fly right over your head. It's not like "Superbad", in the sense that you won't find yourself reciting one-liners as you leave the theater, but it is extremely well written. One thing about the script that I found to be a little odd was that every teenager in the movie (which took place in California) spoke fluent French. Aside from that, and Cera/Doubleday's mutual love for and use of vinyl records in 2010, I thought it was very realistic in terms of the way the "teenagers" spoke to each other and interacted. The funniest lines of the movie were from Nick Twisp's (Cera) supplementary persona, Francois Dillinger, and my favorite quotes were when Francois says to Sheeni "I want to tickle your belly button.... from the inside," and "I'm going to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown that you are." It was great to see Cera step out of his normal comfort zone (nerdy, shy etc.) and talk with some diction and authority at certain times during the film.
"Awe" or "Awful" factor- In this case, awe. Wasn't blown away by this movie, but at the same time, I didn't go into it expecting to be. Kind of like the feeling you get whenever the San Antonio Spurs win the title. Not the flashiest team, doesn't always make your jaw drop, but at the end of the day gets the job done and wins championships. Except this movie is way more enjoyable to watch then any Spurs team I've ever seen, but you get the picture.
The movie itself certainly wasn't that original. Classic underdog story where the nerdy guy falls for the hotter girl, and has to fight, and in this case rebel, for her love. In fact, I feel like I've seen this exact character in almost every other role Cera has done. But you know what? It works. Kind of like the old saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." There isn't a more appropriate phrase to describe Cera's acting career. We'll see how long he can last, and I'll put the over/under at 6 for how many more times he can pull off the socially awkward 18 year old. But for now, I can't knock the hustle.

Nudity- Despite Youth In Revolt's "R" rating, there was no nudity in the film.

Spoiler Alert!
Cera's character does ultimately loose his virginity to Sheeni at the end of the movie, but it is shot in a very edited for T.V. manner.

Yes Factor- To me, the "yes" factor means a few different things. Does this movie leave you feeling good inside? Do you find yourself rooting for the main character/wishing it was you in the movie? It's more of a feeling you get after watching something, and you just know whether or not the movie gets the job done for you. Although this movie will most likely not go down in history as a classic, it still had that "Yes Factor" for me. Definitely re-watchable, which is an underrated characteristic when it comes to movies. Also, any time for find yourself genuinely rooting for a character it is a good sign that the writers have done their job well. Maybe it was the whole concept of summer love mixed with overcoming absurd obsticles such as burning down buildings, destroying cars, and cross dressing, just to make love work that did it for me.

Entertainment Level- I give "Youth In Revolt" a 8 out of 10 when it comes to how entertaining it was. Maybe it was because I was too hungover to truly take note and think critically about it, but it was all I could ask for. Justin Long (who plays a mushroom loving 25 year old) steals every scene that he is in. Whether it be drugging his ΓΌber religious parents before Thanksgiving Dinner, talking to Nick Twist about their "past lives", or stealing Steve Buscemi's girlfriend, he brings a much needed #2 funny man to the movie. Also, don't expect much from "that dude from the Hangover," his role in the movie is very minor.
What makes this movie work on so many levels is the fact that you want the main character to succeed so badly, and his dire sense of urgency to be with the one he loves is something we can all relate too.

"It's time to be bad"


Tuesday, January 12, 2010


So the latest viral quote, or "meme", that seems to be getting thrown around all over the internet lately, comes from the trailer of the new Harrison Ford/Brendan Fraser movie "Extraordinary Measures." The quote "I already work around the clock" gets yelled by Harrison Ford, after Fraser tells him that "We can do this if we push ourselves, we work around the clock." Here's the trailer, the "I already work around the clock" quote comes in to play at the 1:33 mark.

And if that wasn't enough, here's ten minutes worth of looping "I already work around the clock!"

Since I found this video at 3 in the morning, does that technically mean that I already work around the clock?


Monday, January 11, 2010

Blakroc-Not to be slept on.

Recently I've been bored with the state of music, and have been left with a desire to find something new to get into; there's only so many times I can listen to the same songs over and over again (exception, Young Jeezy). However, about two weeks ago I stumbled across the Blackroc project which is headed by hip-hop pioneer Dame Dash, and a former pre-pubescent hero of mine, Jim Jones (Jooooooooooooonessssss) of Diplomats fame. I've always been a fan of Dame Dash, and have respected his work and impact on the music industry, particularly the hip-hop scene, but I was a bit wary of the Blakroc project.

The album pairs Ohio blues-rock band "The Black Keys" (whom I had never heard of until this) and many major players in the rap game, including Mos Def, Pharoe Monch, Ludacris, Q-Tip, Wu members RZA and Raekwon, and a song-stealing posthumous appearance by Ol' Dirty Bastard a.k.a Dirt McGirt a.k.a. Big Baby Jesus a.k.a. Ol Dirty Chinese Restaurant a.k.a. The BZA a.k.a..okay you get the point. After my first listen through, I wasn't really sure how I felt about the album, it sounded a bit like the mash-up between Jay-z and Linkin Park that came out a few years ago, however, Blakroc is much better done and executed much more soundly than the collabo between Hov and Linkin Park.

I immediately dismissed the album as a sound that I couldn't really get into, and almost deleted it from my Itunes, however, something stopped me (perhaps the album cover which looks like a city covered in the Ooze from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2), and I gave it another chance. After a second listen, I was completely blown away and realized the mastery shown by "The Black Keys" and their ability to adapt their sound to a completely different genre, yet maintain their own musical integrity. The Keys lace the tracks with heavy drums, haunting background vocals, and an overall raw sound that matches perfectly with the aforementioned rappers. Even Jim Jones, who has been absolutely terrible of late, provides some coherent verses and is actually listenable, something I was very happy about.

The album is only 11 tracks, and definitely leaves the listener wanting more, but overall it is a solid effort and a great career decision for the post Roc-a-Fella Dame Dash era. So, if you're like me and wanting something new in your music collection check out the Blakroc album, don't sleep.

Lost On Revis Island

Alright well normally I wouldn't succumb to article requests by readers about players and teams that I don't necessarily like, but the more I thought about it (and studied Derrelle Revis's impeccable resume for the 2009 season), the more I figured this was long overdue. Derrelle Revis just finished up a regular season that rivals the best of any defensive player of all time. In 16 regular season games he had 49 solo tackles, 7 picks, a touchdown and 39 pass deflections. Now I know what your thinking; plenty of other DB's have put up comparable numbers to his, and granted that may be somewhat true. However I invite you to take a deeper look at what he has accomplished. This year, on 9 different occasions, former Pro-Bowlers matched up one-on-one on Revis Island. And only once (Randy, week 11) did they score, and the most yards allowed was 33 to Reggie Wayne in a Week 16 victory. That's not to say that he slacked versus his other opponents either; shutting out Ted Ginn and Mike Sims-Walker in consecutive games mid-season, shutting out high octane Saints wide out Marques Colston, and having more interceptions then passes allowed to Panthers WR Steve Smith. But enough about his regular season accomplishments. We all know he is great, and he has been recognized for his achievements. But now its time to talk about what really matters.... THE PLAYOFFS!

Revis brought the fire in the Wild-Card round, and despite two questionable defensive holding calls, still managed get a pick and hold OhnoCatcho to two meaningless catches, all the while completely neutralizing him from the equation. Granted nowadays its apparent that Ohno would much rather tweet, then aggressively go after a catch, but still he was pretty much useless, and obviously intimidated by his "bruh" (Ohno's go-to term to refer to other athlete's on Twitter) Derrelle Revis.
All I can say is next week could be a different story. Vincent Jackson doesn't shy away from contact the way Ohno does, and Phillip Rivers is playing at an '05 Carlson Palmer level (not the debacle of what Palmer has become). We all know the Chargers are hot (11 game win streak), but if the Chargers are Summer Roberts (from The O.C.) then the Jets are Taylor Townsend (the hot-loner class president, who gets an increased role in the forgettable season 4 and has a brief love affair with Ryan). In case that reference flew over your head, the point I'm trying to make is the Jets are just slighty less hot, thus I wouldn't say a victory this weekend is completely unfathomable. In fact, I'll go as far as to say it's going to be a great game. The Jets rushing attack, led by he-who-must-not-be-named (Ed. note- after drafting #20 on the Jets in my 2007 fantasy league, and starting him EVERY WEEK in a season in which he scored only ONE touchdown, I hereby vow to never write his name in a column) and Shonn Green has proven to be nearly unstoppable, and with the Chargers shaky run defense (118 ypg) they could have a field day at Qualcomm. Obviously the key to the game comes down to whether or not rookie quarterback Mark "Dirty" Sanchez can manage the game and limit turnovers. If he plays like he did last week, and if Dustin Keller can lower his 40 time to sub 5.0 the Jets should be good. Old Man Time Tomlinson has seen his better days, and despite a resurgence in the second half of the season, I still don't see him changing this game the way he would have in the past. Jets fans should feel confident and be grateful that their team isn't playing with the energy level of a dead "Law and Order" extra (cough cough New York Giants), and has been going out there every game with something to prove. I love the fact that Rex Ryan said they should be favored every game up until the Superbowl, and maybe he has a point. He's one for one so far, so until he looses I can't knock him. After all, this team is from the concrete jungles, where dreams are made of...
(Okay, so what if they play in Jersey? It's what's on the helmet that counts!)

Also, don't think you Jets fans are getting off that easy. Here's a quick little reminder that Derrelle Revis is still human


Some "Shine" for The 37 Project

I still remember where I was, the first time I ever heard John Fontanelli and Andrew Widell play guitar together. It was the fall of 2007, and after meeting John in our Scuba class, had tagged along with them to their friend Liam's house on the other side of town. Granted the town of Cortland isn't very big at all, but if you knew where his house was (past Walmart on 13), you would most certainly classify it as "the other side if town". I was still in the process of becoming friends with these guys and was completely oblivious to their musical talent and creativity. However, that all changed completely once they started "jamming" and the next thing I knew it was 2 in the morning and I hadn't moved from my seat in hours. But that was all it took for me to get hooked. I've always loved and appreciated music, but prior to that night I never had any friends with musical talent, or who enjoyed playing music and were smart enough to create their own. I knew from then on that these guys were something special, and that soon enough everyone would take notice. Two years later, the sky's the limit.

The "band" started during our freshman year at SUNY Cortland (06-07). I throw the quotations in there because that band from freshman year is light-years away different from the band they have today, but nevertheless that's when the magic first happened. Fontanelli and Widell met during that first year at Cortland, both living in DeGroat Hall, and both possessing an intense love and skill for music. They started making a name for themselves by playing together early and often. Whether it be at various on-campus events, coffee house's in Corey Union, or even in the halls of the dorms.

It wasn't until sophomore year though that the name "The 37 Project" was invented. Although the band was named after a friends house (37 Prospect) where they had spent countless hours hanging out and creating music, the band name is meant to symbolize "the lifetime friendships you gain in college and the bond that music and celebration creates," says lead guitar/songwriter John Fontanelli. During this time they were preforming under the genre of "acoustic crunk rock." Since all the band consisted of was two acoustic guitars and their voices, it was pretty fitting and catchy. They were beginning to have a strong following, and had already established themselves as the fan favorites of Great Bar's "Wednesday Open Mic Night".

John and Andrew playing a fan favorite "That One Song" freshmen year

Right from the get-go the guys were able to preform flawless covers from rock bands like Dave Matthews and Sublime, along with edgy rap covers of songs like T.I.'s "Whatever you like" and Asher Roth's "I Love College." It was a good way to get fans interested originally, by perfecting already recognizable tunes, but it was their original music that I always loved the most. During those first two formative years Johnny and Andrew would constantly be writing and creating new songs and chords. I remember naively asking Widell if it would be possible for every chord/rhythm of guitar notes to be created so that you couldn't come up with anything new, and him explaining to me that you'll always be able to come up with a new sound because it all comes down to the order in which you play each note (As you can see, I had no prior knowledge to the creation of music whatsoever). It was around this time that I first fell in love with one of their songs, "Shine". From a musical standpoint this has to be my favorite song of their's and I have a few justifiable reasons to back this up. Reason #1. The lyrics. It's a beautiful song about falling in love, the same topic most beautiful songs are written about, but this one is unique. With lyrics like "Cross my fingers, that I will cross your path" or "We lost, the map that shows us where to go. But it's fine, my path is always lit up when you shine." the passion is evident, and very easy for the audiences, and myself, to relate too. We've all had a girl at sometime or another that made us feel great to be "Here again, lost in you at 4 a.m." In the past two year's I've turned to this song as much, or more, than any other to put me in a better mood, or just to relax and think about life, or that one girl that really does "Shine".
Reason #2. The fan-favorite aspect. For the last couple of years this song has emerged as the ultimate closing song for their concerts. Sure this year, with the addition of many more originals, this song has gotten thrown into the mix a bit earlier in some of their sets, but to me, this will always be the Mariano Rivera for The 37 Project. Like "Crazy Game of Poker" was to O.A.R. and "Dammit" to Blink 182, this was the anthem that could always be expected to close out the night and end a show. Everyone knows every word to it, and it is the rebellious-love anthem that has helped propel them to college rock band stardom. And lastly, Reason #3. The evolution of this song from the first time I heard it. I feel like I've watched this song grow and evolve these last few years like a child. I loved listening to it with John and Andrew playing it acoustically on a front lawn, I loved listening to it with Madeline on the violin, I loved hearing it with Dave on drums and Garrett on bass, and I've grown to love it the most with the addition of Perrotta on harmonica and Glenn on the Sax. It has changed so much musically, but it is amazing how much it has stayed the same. The message and words are still there, with the only thing changing being the supporting cast of devoted musicians, who each individually bring their own style and spark to the song. Each time I hear it, new solo's are added in, and there's a sense of originality to it each time I listen. Additionally, not going to lie, I'm a sucker for the opening guitar rift. Huge fan, what can I say? For years I've harassed Fonts into playing that rift for me at all hours of the day/night and I don't see that changing anytime

As I mentioned earlier, in that last rant about "Shine", I got a little ahead of myself and introduced some new band members without giving them their proper introduction. During the 2008-2009 school year, the band made the leap from acoustic crunk, to full out rock band. In the fall Garrett Beaty was added to play bass guitar and Dave Goldenberg was brought along to play drums. Both are masters of their respective instruments, and have brought so much musical talent, and experience, to The 37 Project. Next came the addition of John Perrotta with his harmonica skills. I like to somewhat take credit for this addition to the band, being that Fontanelli and Perrotta met originally during a jam session at my house one night junior year, and they have become inseparable ever since. Perrotta officially joined the band during a spring '09 performance, and has immediately become a fan-favorite. The other new band member's include Glenn Westfall at Saxophone and long-time contributor Greg Brooker on piano/trumpet. Together they have become somewhat or a rock super-group, acquiring the best they could find at each instrument, and now have a unique/diverse sound that most bands would kill for.
With the release of their first studio album this fall, "Search The Spectrum", it has given the band another great opportunity to get their material out there, and their music heard. "I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a dream come true. I think every songwriter hopes to one day play and record their music with a kick ass band, and that dream became a reality for me when I saw the finished product (of Search the Spectrum)", exclaims a giddy John Fontanelli. "We all put in hours of time and hard work, but I think we created something we can all be proud of, and that our fans can enjoy." When asked about how it is different now, creating music for a 6, 7 and sometimes even 8 piece band to play, as opposed to the old days when it was just John and Andrew he said "The way we write hasn't changed, but the way we prepare is totally different. Widell and I used be completely concerned with our own individual responsibilities to the sound we created, and now, we've taken on the role of composers. It's a lot more difficult, but the challenges are totally outweighed by the satisfaction of creating something more complete and impressive. It makes it much easier when you get to work with musicians like Dave and Garrett who both have high music I.Q.'s. I can't describe how awesome it is when you have a vision in your head for a song, and the musicians you play with can pick it up with little or no instruction."

The 37 Project preforms "Killing Time" at a battle of the bands concert in 2009

This upcoming spring is sure to be a big one for "The 37 Project", somewhat of a bittersweet victory lap of sorts, since it is the last time the band will be playing together as students at SUNY Cortland. Luckily, the band intends to stay together and will continue to perform and write music with no end in sight. "I think we're discovering our strengths as musicians more and more every time we play together, so whatever direction we head in, it's going to be a positive one." says an optimistic Fontanelli. This band has matured and grown so much since their creation, and get them all together in a room, and you would have to be blind not to see the sense of family unfolding right before your eyes. I'm looking forward to all the new music and memories I will share with these guys in the future, and leave you with a picture from J-font's 21st birthday show at Lucky's, which he considers to be his "most memorable show". That's Jumpin' Johnny Perrotta, center stage, playing harmonica during a cover of "Run Around" by Blue's Travelers.

"We will never relive these days, this is my only chance to say. Don't let these moments pass you by, life moves too fast"


Want more 37? Check out their myspace page at

Sunday, January 10, 2010


I don't think I'll ever really be able to forgive the Knicks for drafting Jordan Hill over Brandon Jennings. Dude is a problem.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Three Things To Look Forward Too (Friday, Jan 8th edition)

Okay, so I woke up to more snow today in beautiful Westchester, New York. Kind of a bummer because I'm forced to deal with God's dandruff non-stop while at school in Snowy Cortland, and was looking forward to a break from it while at home. Never the less, I tried to keep a positive frame of mind, and came up with a list of three things to look forward too, in an attempt to put me in a better mood.

#1. SUMMER. Sure its roughly half a year (and 3 1/2 dog years) away, but I can dream, can't I? Anyways, I figured what better way to get people in the summer mood then to watch Shwayze's music video "Buzzin"

This video features the 5 essential "B's" necessary for summer fun: backyard bbq's, bikini's, beaches, beers and bonfires. It has it all, and anytime I need a quick summer pick me up I watch this video and you should too.

#2. Youth In Revolt. I've been looking forward to this movie since I first starting seeing coming attractions for it last summer, and it's finally out in theaters today. Sure some of you may be tired of seeing Micheal Cera typecast as an 18 year old virgin time and time again, but not this guy. I embrace it, let the man (or boy) do what he does best- which is be awkward, witty, and make poor decisions!

You can't watch that coming attraction and tell me with a straight face that hearing David Bowie's "Rebel Rebel" doesn't get your juices flowing a little bit. Anyways, if the movie sucks you can blame me. Also, expect a detailed review from me by Monday.

And last but not least #3. THE BROOKLYN BREWERY. Located at 79 North 11th Street, Brooklyn, NY. I'll be attending happy hour there tonight and you should too! 20$ for 6 beer tokens, which you can use to drink from any of there numerous in-house beers on tap. With beer's ranging from 4-9% alcohol, and a non-threatening hipster crowd, it's sure to be a great time.

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

MTV's New "Anti-Sexting" P.S.A.

I know everyone out there (myself included) loves being a part of the "DV'R" age of television. Typical spoiled Americans (or Earthlings for that matter) who are too impatient to sit through a few annoying commercials every ten minutes or so. And yes, by all means, this new invention has become a huge part of my existence AND transformed the way the world, and myself, views television. But sometimes if you fast-forward too quickly you could miss something very important. Take MTV's new anti-sexting p.s.a. "There's a thin line between him and the whole school" for example. If you haven't seen it, it will probably be the most uncomfortable, yet effective, 30 second spot of television advertising you've watched in quite some time.

The ad starts out with a naked teenager, standing in an empty gym, genitals blurred, talking about how her boyfriend wanted her to send him naked pictures of herself. As the ad continues, she remains standing there, but eventually talks about how she loves her boyfriend, and how it's "no big deal" and "not like the whole world is going to see it." Afterwords you hear another female voice come on, and talk about how you have "the right to say no" and that "there is a thin line between him and the whole school."

"Sexting" has become a huge problem for the youth of our nation. Girls as young as 13 are being pressured to send lewd pictures of themselves, and in most cases, are complying with the requests. There have been countless cases of these "sexts" getting into the wrong hands, whether it be distributed to other classmates unwillingly, or even worse, people of authority. In fact, just last year there was a case in Pennsylvania where four girls (varying between the ages of 14 and 15) all were caught sending naked or semi-naked "sexts" to classmates, and ended up being charged with manufacturing, disseminating or possessing child pornography. Also, the two male students who were the recipients of the texts faced charges of child pornography possession. Try explaining that one to the college admissions office.

Look, if your an adult (18 years of age) and you want to send naked pictures to your boyfriend or girlfriend, by all means do it. You'll never catch me complaining. Superstar Rihanna feels the same way, and even went as far as to say "If you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." And apparently she does practice what she preaches (copy and paste for Rihanna "sext" pics, but even so, I'm sure she's not too happy that these leaked to the public.

In conclusion, I applaud MTV for finally taking a stand, and trying to influence today's youth in a positive way for a change. For a station that is driven around sex and its appeal, I was shocked, but happy to see this step in the right direction. Too bad Cleveland Indian's All-Star Grady Sizemore didn't see the commercial in time...


KG and Starbury, What Could Have Been

Recently myself and Dan were having a conversation about the career of Kevin Garnett, and the how ironic it was that he and Stephon Marbury were re-united on the 2009 Celtics squad. For those of you who do not know, these two started their careers together on the Minnesota Timberwolves, and were one of the more dynamic duos during their short time together.

After a stellar freshman year at Georgia Tech, in which he was named a 3rd Team All-American, Marbury declared himself eligible for the 1996 NBA Draft. On Draft day, Marbury was picked by the Millauwke Bucks 4th overall, but immediately traded to the Timberwolves for the rights to Ray Allen and a future pick. I distinctly remember watching a young Marbury crying tears of joy after being drafted and traded to the Timberwolves because he was going to play with his longtime close friend Kevin Garnett.

Garnett had become one of the first to make the prep-to-pro jump that paved the way for many superstars as well as many busts (Kwame Brown anyone?). Garnett earned All-Rookie honors during the 1995 season, and now with Marbury running the point, and providing camaraderie, Garnett's numbers jumped during the 1996 season and the two seemed unstoppable. After just one season together, Marbury and Garnett lead the T-Wolves to their first playoff appearance in 1997, and Garnett was now being mentioned in the small superstar category of the NBA elite. The two were always having fun together, and seemed to have one of the rare relationships in the NBA where teammates actually enjoy each other's company, which almost always leads to extremely successful seasons plus a few rings.

(Please Excuse the Eurotrash soundtrack.)

However, during the 1999 lockout shortened season, the one thing that tears apart so many friends became a major issue: money. Garnett had just been signed to a ridiculous 6 year $126 million dollar contract, and this, for a lack of a better term, pissed off Marbury to the point where he disrupted the team so much he was traded to the New Jersey Nets, in a three team trade that landed Terell Brandon to the Timberwolves, and ultimately dooming the franchise.

Let's take a look at what could have been. During the 2000-2001 season, Marbury averaged (roughly) 24 points, 8 assists, and 1.5 steals a game, while Garnett averaged 22 points, 11 rebounds, and 2 blocks a game. In my estimation, had the two stuck together, Marbury would have averaged about 19 points, 10 assists a game, while Garnett would have had about 27 points, 13 rebounds and 6 assists per game. Granted, the West was stacked this year, with the Lakers ultimately winning the Championship, with Kobe and Shaq dominating the Finals. But a small part of me believes that The Big Ticket and Starbury really could have given the Lakers a run for their money, because they had what Shaq and Kobe lacked; a true friendship and respect for each other. A lot of people may say that Kobe and Shaq's prowess would have been too much, but I like to believe that KG and Marbury would have willed the T-Wolves to a Championship, or two, or three, but these are all pipe dreams I suppose.

After the trade, these two careers could not have gone in more opposite directions. Garnett was stuck on a crummy team putting up all-world stats while letting his prime years go to waste. Fortunately, he was traded to the Celtics, and well, we all know what happened after that. Marbury went completey insane, and in doing so ruined the best franchise in basketball, The New York Knicks (bias alert!). Marbury was last seen eating Vaseline on the internet, while Garnett was bringing home Defensive MVP honors, and becoming the most important part of the Celtics championship run. However, it's fun to think about what could have been, and a shame that Marbury's ego broke up what could have been one of the best duos in the associations history.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Three Quick Thoughts

Okay, so I've been working on an epic Jersey Shore episode 4 re-cap, but before I finished up with that I had three thoughts on my mind that I wanted to share with you all.
Quick thought #1. In the previous episode of Jersey Shore, Tommy (Jwoww's boyfriend), confronts Jwoww via phone about how his friend (spy) caught her bumping and grinding with Pauley D on the dance floor at Karma. Jwoww denies the allegations at first, but then changes from denial to reasoning that she only danced with him for 5 minutes, but more importantly, that they were dancing to House Music. To further this point, Snooki enters the room, gets on the phone, and tells Tommy "It was House Music!" Which got me to thinking.... What if in life, whenever you fucked up, you could simply blame it on house music and everything would be okay? "Honey, why are you getting home at 2 in the morning and why was your phone off?" "Sorry babe, I was driving home, but then some house music came on the radio and I just got in the zone." Or "You haven't paid rent in three months, your being evicted, pack up your shit" "Ah man I'm really sorry, I've been listening to a lot of house music lately. Don't worry I'll get you your money" and everything would be gravy. Now that's a world that I someday want to live in.

Quick thought #2. This picture doesn't really pertain to my thought, but its the closest picture I could find that resembles my favorite demographic of man out there... The 50+ year old black man who still talks/obsesses/reminisces about getting ass. I'm serious, there isn't a more entertaining group of people then these guys. I know because I've worked with a few of them in the past and its great. Always talking about who they want to/would bang (usually in the workplace), obscure places that they have banged, and constantly talking about all the "tail" they used to pull when they were younger. If you've never met someone like this before, I suggest you do so immediately. Oh and if your lucky, you'll find one of them who has an "old lady" but still talks (brags) about all his side chicks.

Quick thought #3. And lastly, a point that was brought to my attention by my cousin Cj. Mary Swanson. You know, that chick from "Dumb & Dumber" whose husband is being held for ransom, and the owner of the briefcase that Lloyd and Harry drive across the country to deliver? If shes married, and her husband is being held for ransom, then why the hell is she going on dates with Harry AND making out with him in his car like a 16 year old on a first date? What kind of shit is that? Your husbands tied up somewhere and your hitting the slopes like Peekaboo Street and having flirty snowball fights? Jeez, if a beautiful girl like Mary Swanson can't be faithful at a time like that then who can? Now when I'm married and if I ever get kidnapped and held for ransom, I'm going to have to have this thought in the back of my head the whole time. Talk about adding insult to injury.

"What was all that talk about one in a million?"


"From now on your excluded from the surf and turf night, the ravioli night, your excluded from chicken cutlet night"

After two weeks of anticipation, anxiety and obsession, MTV's Jersey Shore finally returned, resuming with a bang. That "bang" being Brad Ferro's fist connecting with Snooki's jaw, and the ensuing mayhem that took place shortly after. The altercation started when Mike "The Situation" started buying shots for random guys that no one knew, and when Snooki tried to get them away, and got in their faces, she was met with the following (:18 second mark)-

After the hit, Brad was escorted out of the bar in hand-cuffs by the police and placed in a cop car. As the angry mob of Jersey Shore cast members followed close behind, yelling obscenities, threatening the remaining friend's of Brad, and condoling Snooki. Well everyone except The Situation that is. It's bad enough that there is video evidence of him turning and facing the other way after his "friend" (that's a girl) got hit, but then instead of coming together with the rest of the housemates to try to figure out the situation (no pun intended), you see him hitting on a girl in a purple dress on the boardwalk instead. "Jackie you need to hang out, I don't know what your doing. At least for a little" is what he says to her, and needless to say this infuriates a fedora clad Ronnie.

The next segment of the episode featured Ronnie crying to Sammi about The Situation's lack of compassion for Snooki, and how he continued to "creep" even after their friend got hit. As the show progresses we continue to learn a lot more about Ronnie. For starters, he has the most impatient parents of all time. You would have thought that they were out for dinner and found a dead rat in their bowl of soup the way they were complaining about the time required for Sammi to get ready to hit the boardwalk. "Let's not make this an all day event" and "Time is of the essence" are two quotes that we hear his parents say. Like really, time is of the essence? What is the cotton candy guy on the boardwalk going to run out in the next 20 minutes? We also learn that his brother is 100% not all there in the head. I use that term in the most politically correct way possible, because trust me there was about fifty other ways I wanted to write that sentence but my conscious got the best of me. Seriously did you hear the little guys response when Ronnie asked him if he wanted to get his ears pieced on the boardwalk? It sounded like two inaudible moans, followed by what sounded like "Your a butt". Really? A Butt? Come on man step your insult game up, this isn't the 2nd grade playground anymore, your on the jersey shore.

This episode featured two of the most hilarious conversation shifts I have ever heard with my own two ears. The first one takes place right after Snooki gets off the phone with the automated voice mail from the police, saying that her attacker has been let go on bail, and if she feels threatened for her life to call the police. The whole time this is going on, we hear intense and suspenseful music being played. After the call, the crew begins to talk, throw around a few "what-ifs" and some things to make Snooki feel better. Jwoww starts talking about how "he still has to go up again so he could be serving later" but before anyone else has a chance to comment she asks Snooki "Do you want to go tanning later?" The second this question was asked the whole tone of the music became uplifting as we see Snooki nod her head and say "yea" three times. Apparently it doesn't take much to make Snooki happy, just a proposal of some cancerous UV rays and everything is back to normal.

The second most absurd conversation switch of the episode happened just minutes later as the girls drove to "Simply Sun" tanning salon. Sammi starts talking to Snooki, and says how "Ronnie was like so upset last night." But before Snooki has the chance to respond, or say how nice that was of him, Jwoww inexplicably asks "Did you and Ronnie have sex last night?" Really Jwoww? Save your intrusive Cosmo Girl questions for fun and games time or the spa, this was Snooki's time to shine (get comforted) and you took the spotlight off her! How dare you. What made it even funnier was Sammi's refusal to answer the question, even though two weeks ago it was broadcast to the world that they had in fact had sex, and that that's what "people who like each other do."

The dinner scene, which featured a five star meal prepared by The Situation for the house, was the funniest meal scene I've watched since Ben Stiller's prayer in Meet The Parents. It starts off with the girls refusing to cook and the cast having entirely too much fun with live lobsters. We learn that Snooki is "a Vet-tech, like I save animals, I don' kill them. That's why I don't eat friggin lobster cause there alive when you kill it. It's disgusting." Throughout the meal we see Snooki struggling like Shaq at the free throw line trying to eat her dinner. "I tried to eat, but I couldn't get it in my frickin mouth cause I'm disabled." This sentence was laugh out loud funny, and if she considers herself disabled, I would love to be there the next time she runs into someone in a wheel chair. However, it was after dinner that the real magic happened. The standoff between The Situation and Sammi over who cleans off The Situation's plate. "Get the fuck out of here I just cooked for like 2 hours" says 10 year old Mike as he stands by the counter looking at his single messy plate inhabiting an otherwise spotless table. Sammi refuses to give in either, and eventually it's "Ron-Ron" who cleans it up and stops this childish banter from continuing, and leads The Situation to vow that Sammi will be excluded from all future meals that he cooks. Such as surf and turf, ravioli, and chicken cutlet night.

Next the gang goes to "F Cove", apparently it's a Jersey Shore hot spot located on a lake, where people meet up in boats to party and listen to house music. The cast pulled up to the spot riding on a boat named "Fuggetaboutit" and according to Snooki "right when I saw that I was like, yo this is our boat." Jwoww immediately floats over to another guy's boat, and in a matter of 30 seconds, said guy, is referred to by Sammi and Snooki as a"creepy fat old man", "juice head", and lastly "That looks like my dad." Snooki said that last quote, and trust me that speaks dividends about her family life and why she turned out the way she did. My favorite scene from F Cove was Pauley D doing the doggy-paddle over to another boat, but with a voice over of him saying "My hair didn't even move an inch, and I was in and out of the water. My hair is wind proof, water proof, soccer proof, motorcycle proof. Not sure if it's bulletproof. Not willing to try that." It's been five days since I originally watched this episode and I'm still trying to figure out what the hell soccer and motorcycles have to do with his hair gel winning the battle with H2O.

Later on in the episode we see Vinny, Pauley D and The Situation, drinking with some girls up on the roof. The party doesn't look fun at all (no hot tub action) and the girls end up leaving fairly early into the night. Situation (who was wearing a sick white T-Shirt with the Joker's eyes and mouth on it) and his new Brazilian girl appeared to be hitting it off the best, and before leaving they talk together in the dark while everyone else is already outside. She tells him that she "Knows all about him", which only further boosts Mike's ego. Once she leaves, Situation sprints to his room where Pauley D is laying down and tells him the good news. "Everybody has been talking about Mikey and Pauley D. The Problem and The Situation, hooking up with everybody." Pauley D's reaction to this is comparable to someone learning that a tumor is benign, not malignant. Guy looked like he just won Olympic Gold and yells out "That's so bangin dude, all I want to do is make a name for myself in Jersey." It was almost like a sense of mission complete. Like he had conquered all that he set out to do it life in that very moment. But I guess this teaches us all a life lesson, keep your goals (and morals) low and you'll always be happy.

The rest of the episode wasn't that great. Jwoww "wins" a bar fight with some pig, her tool boyfriend sends her some rare roses, Pauley D finally gets his chance to spin at Karma, and Vinny gets his first piece of ass for the season by bringing home Danny the landlords girlfriend (who has a arm-sleeve tattoo). However I will leave you with my favorite quote of the episode, which was Ronnie's response to Tommy sending Jwoww flowers, after he already knew that she had cheated on him. "For someone who was just told that he got cheated on, I would give her dick and bubble gum. I would send her a picture of my dick and a pack of bubble gum and say chew on this." Real classy Ron Ron, not entirely sure what the point of sending the picture would do, but hey, that's Jersey in a nutshell (or 200 pound roided out guido!).