Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served In Permanent Ink On Your Cheating Girlfriends Back

Ryan Fitzgerald needs to teach a "Revenge 101" class somewhere. Your girl cheats on you? Don't cry, get violent or post pathetic facebook statuses. Just wait until she tells you she wants a tattoo of Narnia on her back and ink her up with a gigantic pile of shit with flies swarming around it instead. So incredibly diabolical, yet 100% justifiable. This guy can play for my team anyday.

-fresh

via EON

This Bro Traveled 38,000 Miles (Across 11 Countries) And Shot 1 Second Of Footage In Each Location


MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

I have a question. Who the hell can afford to take a month and half off of work, take 18 flights and travel to 11 different countries? I'm lucky if I can get off work on a Friday to drive upstate to visit my girlfriend and here this bro is getting his dick sucked in the Mojave desert, hitting up rave parties in Prague and playing chess with the Dalai Lama. Talk about the haves and the have nots. I'm gonna make one of these videos that just shows me sprinting out of my house in the morning, walking on to the train, refilling my water bottle 15x at work and eating my dollar pizza slices alone. Two can play at this game.

-fresh

h/t to Amy Lucas. Furrrr sure

STACHE...EVERYWHERE!!!!

(LA Times) The Associated Press is reporting that the Boston Red Sox have hired Bobby Valentine to be their new manager, replacing the departed Terry Francona. Their source? Tommy Lasorda. "He's got it. I just spoke to him a little while ago," the legendary Dodgers Hall of Fame manager said. Valentine is the anti-Francona. While Francona is quiet, Valentine is loud. While Francona is mild-mannered, Valentine is full of bluster. While the players loved Francona, they, well, we will have to wait and see what they think of Valentine. Valentine may be best remembered as the guy who, after being kicked out of a game while managing the New York Mets in 1999, sneaked back into the dugout wearing a fake mustache and sunglasses.

In recent years I've been quite open about expressing my disdain for baseball. Sure it's directly related to the fact that the team I love, the New York Mets, has spent more time choking in the last half decade than David Carradine, but it also has a lot to do with the fact that I just don't connect to recent teams like I did as a child years ago. No team has ever meant more to me than the 1999 and 2000 Mets. I was there at Shea when Todd Pratt hit that series ending walk off vs. the D'Backs. I was there when Bobby Jones one hit the Giants in the NLDS. I was there for the World Subway Series. Every game was appointment television for me, and I haven't felt the same way since.

When Bobby Valentine re-entered the dugout with that ridiculous disguise mustache after being ejected from the game he was making a message, and the message came out loud and clear. No matter what the consequences would be, he wanted to be there for his team. His job was his life and he put 110% of his heart into managing the Mets. Which is why I couldn't be happier to know that Bobby V will be back in the dugout next season doing what he was put on Earth to do, even if it isn't for my team. So maybe next year will be the year that I get sucked back into America's past time, and if it takes me following a Boston team to do so, then so be it.

-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Herman Cain Plans To Reassess His Campaign After Latest Affair Allegations


(Fox News) In the wake of another woman's allegation of inappropriate behavior, Herman Cain told key campaign officials and volunteers that he will be conducting an "assessment" of the state of his presidential candidacy. This comes less than 24 hours since Cain and senior aides insisted that he will not drop out of the race. It is unclear what the "assessment" will look in to, when it will begin, or how it will be conducted. The assessment is clearly a reaction to comments, released Monday, by a woman who claimed she had a 13-year extramarital affair with Cain. Although the latest report involves an alleged consensual relationship, the claims may further weaken his support among conservative Republicans concerned about social issues, including the institution of marriage.

I'm not here to preach politics. I'm far too opinionated and don't want to branch into that arena given that 99% of America has no idea how the world of politics actually functions, and I say this as a political science major so please lets just leave it at that. I'm also not here to preach about morals. My moral standards would be below the mason-dixon line if such things existed in life. I make jokes about things like Sandusky and would easily sell my soul for a quick buck as long as I didn't fuck over true friends or family.

But I want to pose a question and then propose something even crazier. First let me start with the question. Should cheating on your wife play a factor when running for President? I'm sure the voters of happy families, staunch religious advocates and many others may call me crazy. They may say things like "how could you advocate cheating" or "how could you tarnish the sanctity of marriage". First of all half of marriages end in divorce nowadays. Many others are filled with unhappy couples stuck in their marriage for financial reasons or they think divorce will be too hard on their children. Second of all people make mistakes. I'm not excusing people cheating on their spouse but shit happens. You have a huge fight with your wife, she kicks you out, you get drunk and do something you shouldn't. I'm not saying this is the case with all cheating husbands but people make mistakes. Finally, men who cheat on their wives excel at what they do. Before you jump all over me consider this. Bill Clinton, cheated on his wife in the oval office but many consider him to be the greatest president we've had since Kennedy. The economy boomed under his tenure. Tiger Woods was on pace to be the greatest golfer ever and was the highest paid athlete in the world til his infidelity came to light. Kobe Bryant has 5 NBA championships and we all know what happened with him in Colorado. Sometimes the pressure of a highly stressful job can be too much and people do things that they shouldn't plain and simple. And I don't think anyone should be discounted from running from office from things that go on in their personal life.

Now here is my proposal....drumroll....a single President! Thats right a President with no wife and no kids. A man who is free of distractions who can concentrate solely on guiding our country out of this slump. Think about it. No First Lady bitching in your ear drum "spend more time with the kids instead of conducting drone attacks" or " your meeting with the Treasury Secretary again, I thought we were gonna go see a movie". Its no wonder Barack can't get anything done. If he were single it would be so much easier. Girls could come and go as they please. You never have to worry about them lingering around or trying to stay the night any excuse would suffice you're the President for gods sake. Just make something up, its not like they can question you. No need for cab fare either just send put them in a Secret Service limo and off they go. No commitment seems like the way to go.

PS: Speaking of commitment am I the only one that thinks "committing adultery" is the worst phrase ever. I remember Jerry Seinfeld used to do this bit about needing to commit to marriage in order to commit adultery and then all this leads to you being committed to the psych ward later in life. Just poor choice of words. Stupid 10 commandments.

-Bacon

Whoever Took The Time To Write This Status Deserves A Swift Kick In The Dick

Look I get it, pills kill. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times. Messing around with prescription drugs is like walking on a tightrope. Sure it may be fun at first, but you can't stay on that rope forever and eventually you will fall off. But with that being said whoever took the time to write out this stupid story/song is a piece of shit. "I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and separate from friends." That doesn't even fucking rhyme. Go re-read Cat In The Hat and get back to me. And people can we please take it down a notch with the non-stop in your face social conscious statuses? We're only on this thing to stalk chicks and make fun of people who got fat so keep your pill poems to yourself.

-fresh (@danye33)

BREAKING NEWS FROM OHIO STATE (that doesn't involve Urban Meyer): Men Think About Food, Sex, and Sleep.

(OSU) COLUMBUS, Ohio – Men may think about sex more often than women do, but a new study suggests that men also think about other biological needs, such as eating and sleep, more frequently than women do, as well. And the research discredits the persistent stereotype that men think about sex every seven seconds, which would amount to more than 8,000 thoughts about sex in 16 waking hours. In the study, the median number of young men's thought about sex stood at almost 19 times per day. Young women in the study reported a median of nearly 10 thoughts about sex per day. As a group, the men also thought about food almost 18 times per day and sleep almost 11 times per day, compared to women's median number of thoughts about eating and sleep, at nearly 15 times and about 8 1/2 times, respectively.

A typical morning for a college aged male starts with the buzzing of an alarm clock. At least half the time a man wakes up with morning wood. So four seconds into the day sex is already on their mind. At the very same time most of us just want to go back to sleep. I myself hit the snooze button at least 6 times before I'm even thinking about actually moving. Even in the rare occasions when I do get up right away, my next thought is when can I go back to sleep? So that means that in the 10 seconds I've been awake I've already thought about sex and sleep. Once I'm finally up and at it my next thought is what to have for breakfast. Do I even have time to make breakfast? Can I find a women to bring me breakfast in bed so I can sleep longer? Will she stay so we can have sex after I eat but before I go back to sleep? Do you see where I'm going with this? Of course men think about food, sex, and sleep more than women, it's the first thing on our minds when we wake up. Everything in a man's life revolves around food, sleep, and sex. People say well what about career goals, finances, retirement? A man goes to work to make money. We make money so we can eat, have a place to sleep, and court a fine young woman to have sex with for the rest of our lives. It's all interlinked. It doesn't take a research team from Ohio State to figure out something so simple. A little less time with meaningless research, and a little more time researching how to beat Michigan perhaps?


-Bacon

80 Year Old Man Forgets To Take Out Life Savings From Suit Jacket Before Donating It To Goodwill

(FOX) An elderly Illinois man who accidentally donated a suit stuffed with $13,000 in bills to Goodwill appealed for the money's return so that he can care for his cancer-stricken wife, WQAD reported. The 80 year old, from Moline, decided to keep his life savings in his closet rather than in a bank because he thought the money would be safer there. But his plan backfired when he absentmindedly donated the cash-stuffed suit -- leaving him unable to pay medical bills for his wife, a Stage 4 cancer sufferer. It is believed the suit may have been sold already. The man's daughter offered a $1,000 reward for the suit's new owner to "do the right thing" and come forward.

I hate to break it to the daughter here, but that $1,000 reward aint gonna cut it sweetie. Who ever bought this suit walked into a 13k payday. Maybe in the 90's when the economy was all fine and dandy you could wish upon on a star that a good samaritan would return this guys life savings, but in this recession? Fuggedaboutit! 13k now a days is like 50k back then.

This is the exact reason why I'm terrified of growing old. Not like get married and have a family old. I'm talking old. Everything starts to go. First you lose your filter that tells you what is and isn't appropriate to say. Then your body starts to go with either a bad back or hip and then BOOM next thing you know you're unknowingly giving away your whole lifes saving to Goodwill.

P.S. I'm down with not trusting banks as much as the next guy, but there's a reason 99% of the country uses them and it's so you don't lose your life savings. Dude probably had the "Dale eyes" going when he realized his mistake.



-fresh (@danye33)

Random Thought



Am I the only one that associates the song "The Cave" by Mumford & Sons with the Early Bird setting on Instagram? I swear I feel like these two things go hand and hand. It doesn't matter if I'm looking at a turtle, ditch digger or a cracked window, if the picture is taken in Early Bird I'm getting my Sons on. The wierdest part is I first made this connection before seeing the video, and now that I've seen it I'm convinced that was shot with Early Bird too. Am I crazy, or on to something here?



-fresh

Monday, November 28, 2011

10 NBA Free Agents To Keep An Eye On


Sometime after 3 am Saturday morning a deal was reached between the NBA owners and the players association that put an end to their 149 day lockout. More than three quarters of the season was able to be salvaged, and the 66 game schedule will begin on Christmas Day. This came as a pleasant surprise to players and fans alike, because the prospect of this year being played looked bleak up until the deal was signed.

With a new deal in place, that means players with expired contracts can start to look for new homes once the free agent market opens up on December 9th. This list is compiled of the top 10 Unrestricted Free Agents, meaning these players are free to sign with whomever they like, unlike Restricted Free Agents whose original teams have the option of matching any outside offer to retain their player.

BONUS. Deshawn Stevenson- D is one of three world champion Dallas Maverick's on this list, and despite not being an elite (or even average) scorer, his lock down defense will make him a hot commodity come December. The 30 year old Stevenson already has 11 seasons of NBA mileage under his belt, but he can still guard elite 2's while coming off the bench. I felt obliged to put him on this list if for no other reason than the fact that he has Abe Lincoln's face inexplicably tattooed on his neck. Look for Dallas to re-sign him.

10. J.J. Barea- The seventh year sharp shooter out of Northeaster is coming off a spectacular playoff run that saw him emerge as one of the most beloved players in the league. His 15 point effort in the series clinching game against Miami solidified his importance to the team, and assured him of a nice payday come this winter. He averaged nearly 10 points per game off the bench last season, and that number should increase this year, especially if he lands somewhere where he can takeover the starting job at point. Few players can light it up as quickly and in as many different ways as Barea does.

9. Andre Kirilenko- Is AK-47 washed up? To be honest, only time will tell. But there's still no reason not to gamble on the former Russian All-Star. When healthy, Kirilenko has a unique knack for filling up the stat sheets, and what team couldn't use an extra couple of blocks/steals per game? Coming off a disastrous and injury plagued 6yr/86 million dollar contract, money should not be an issue for this wing man, and if a contender comes a knockin' for the right price, Andre should answer the call. I would love to see him fill the Matt Barnes void in L.A.

8. Shane Battier- Widely regarded as one of the best "character" guys in the league, Battier found himself on the playoff bound Grizzlies last year after a midseason trade for former #2 pick Hasheem Thabeet. But does Shane fit into the long term plans for that franchise? His numbers dropped across the board from the regular season to the post season, and one has to wonder how many more years the 33 year old forward can be effective. Personally, I think any team would be lucky to get 20 minutes a game from Battier, and he is just the type of defender a team like the Mavs or Nuggets could be looking for.

7. Kris Humpries- I think it's safe to say Humpries had the most "unique" offseason of any NBA player. Marrying and then subsequently getting divorced 72 days later from Kim Kardashian, America's Favorite blow job queen Reality Star Princess. Circus show aside, Humpries improved tenfold last season, emerging as a force on the boards for the Nets. At only 26 years of age, and coming off a season in which he was one of only 6 players to average double figures in points and rebounds, Humpires should see an offer somewhere in the 6-8 million dollar per year range. It'll be interesting to see if his production stays consistent, or if last year's inflated numbers were a product of disinterested teammates.

6. Tayshaun Prince- Talk about someone who needs a change of scenery something awful. Long gone are the glory days of (a functioning) Big Ben, Sheed and Chauncy, yet for some reason Rip Hamilton and Tayshaun have remained. Well that's about to change as Prince is set to hit the free agent market, and there looks to be no shortage of suitors for the 31 year old swingman out of Kentucky. He can still fill it up (14 ppg last year) and would provide great veteran leadership to a bubble team like the Clippers or Rockets.

5. Jason Richardson- There's no denying that Richardson's career has been in the decline for a couple of seasons now. However, at the right price (the mid-level exception?) he could contribute right away and provide you with an effortless 14-17 ppg. I could see a team in need of some backcourt scoring like the Hornets or Suns making the move for J-Rich.

4. Jamal Crawford- Fresh off a season that saw him put up 14 ppg off the bench for an overachieving Hawks squad, the veteran combo guard is looking at one last solid payday to close out his illustrious career. In the right situation, Crawford could emulate Jason Terry's championship winning performance from a year ago, providing clutch baskets and leadership for a team in need. Don't be surprised if he heads back to New York for a second go round in the big city.

3. David West- West put 19 and 7.5 in 70 games for the Hornets last year, a team that when healthy, David has started every game for since 2005. It will be interesting to see what New Orleans does here, but if they want to maintain any chance of bringing back point guard savior Chris Paul, they need to keep West at bay. However, with the lack of big time stars available in this shortened off-season, that might be easier said than done.

2. Tyson Chandler- After anchoring the Mavs defense en route to their first ever title, everybody is going to want to get their hands on this 7'1 big man. A steady double-double guy, Chandler has emerged as a dominant force at center, the leagues shallowest position. Tyson would love to stay in Dallas, but with Brendan Haywood entering only year two of his 6yr/55 million dollar deal, it will interesting to see if Cubes can afford to pay out such hefty contracts to both big men.

1. Nene Hilario- Nene gets the nod for most sought after free agent because as I mentioned earlier, this is a doughnut league, meaning most teams lack suitable centers. Nene just missed out on posting career highs in scoring and rebounding by .1 and .2 respectably, and landing in the right spot could see him elevate his game to All-Star status this season. He's athletic, under 30 and hitting the free agent market at the exact right time. I know Amare would love to get a guy like this alongside him in New York, but at 8-10 million dollars per year, that number may be too high for some of the teams hovering around the salary cap already.

-fresh (@danye33)

dan is the co-founder and editor in chief at the 2 Man Weave

Friday, November 25, 2011

Teens Use Vodka Soaked Tampons To Get Drunk These Days?



I swear kids these days have it so easy. When I was in seventh grade if I wanted to talk to my girlfriend you know what I had to do? I had to call up her house phone and ask her dad to put her on the phone. Do you know what's worse than talking to your girlfriends dad when your 13? Nothing! It's literally the most uncomfortable thing in the world to do. But with cell phones and Facebook the middle man (father) is cut right out of the equation and kids these days get to send nudes without pops dukes even knowing that you exist. Just flying under the radar like a motherfucker. Same goes for drinking. If we wanted to get drunk on the low the best we could do was fill up a Poland spring bottle with vodka. Only problem was vodka has a very distinct smell, and seeing a bunch of teenagers passing around a water bottle is about as big a red flag as you can wave.

But now all these little kids have to do is soak there tampex in some Absolut, insert, sit back and let the good times roll. No getting caught by your parents because your breath reeks of booze. No gag reflex from taking a rough shot. All the positive effects of alcohol with none of the side effects. Probably makes a bottle last way longer too. The times they are a-changin'.

-fresh (@danye33)

(Ed. Note- No, I do not condone this type of behavior. Just here to add my social commentary)

Father Punishes Teen Daughter By Forcing Her Into A 2 Hour Long Renaissance Sword Battle


(CBS) OLYMPIA, Wash. - What began as a man's attempt to discipline his child turned into a sordid case of abuse when police say the Washington man forced his 16-year-old daughter to don Renaissance armor and engage in a wooden sword battle for two hours. Freemon Everett Seay, 38, wanted to punish his daughter for a recent attempt to run away from home. Seay, a Renaissance fair enthusiast, has been arrested for the Oct. 16 beating. He apparently started by beating the girl with a willow switch before donning armor and forcing her into a two-hour battle between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. When the girl was reportedly no longer able to stand on her own, he relented. But his daughter quickly took action, texting pictures of her bruises and injuries to friends, who promptly alerted the authorities.

Hmm I wonder what in the world could have possesed this young girl to want to run away from home? Everything seems so normal. I mean, everything besides that fact that her dad is a Renaissance fair enthusiast who routinly uses these anchient battle practices as a form of disicpline. I can't even tell you how pissed I would be if this dude was my dad. A 2 hour battle royal in the middle of the night? But to be honest I don't know what this girl was so upset about. It's times like this where you have to make the most of the options that are presented to you. I would have taken my sword and decapated this nutjob so fast it would have made your head spin. I mean he was basically asking for it. "Uh yea wear all this armor, here's a weapon now fight me." Okay you wanna play swords? BOOM- there goes your head. Game, blouses.

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Week 12 NFL Picks

On behalf of everyone affiliated with the 2 Man Weave, I would just like to say how thankful we are for your loyal following and support of our website. We've grown tremendously these past two years and plan on continuing to evolve creatively and expand our reach. As long as you guys will read it, we'll write it. This is only the beginning.

But enough about that, lets get down to the meat and potatoes. The pigskin. This week we all foresaw the Packers laying the smack down on Detroit. Other teams that the gang unanimously agree on this week are the Bengals, Patriots, Steelers and Matt Leinart led Houston Texans. Only 3 games separate first and last place in this pick 'em contest with just 6 weeks to play, so every game from here on out is going to be crucial. On a personal note, I would just like to state that Rob Gronkowski is now hands down my favorite player in the league, and I may or may not have a bid currently pending on ebay for an autographed authentic jersey of his.



And now, the picks!

The King's Throne
Danye (78-75-7) G.B. -6.5, Dal -7, S.F. +3, Ari +3, Buff +8, Cin -7.5, Hou -3, Car -3, T.B. +3, Atl -9.5, Chi +5, Sea -4, N.E. -3, Den +6.5, Pitt -10.5, N.O. -7

Watch The Throne
Gary (77-76-7) G.B. -6.5, Mia +7, S.F. +3, Stl -3, Buff +8, Cin -7.5, Hou -3, Car -3, T.B. +3, Oak -5, Sea -4, N.E. -3, Den +6.5, Pitt -10.5, N.O. -7

Flem (77-76-7) G.B. -6.5, Dal -7, Bal -3, Stl -3, Buff +8, Cin -7.5, Hou -3, Car -3, T.B. +3, Atl -9.5, Oak -5, Wash +4, N.E. -3, S.D. -6.5, Pitt -10.5, N.O. -7

Geez (76-77-7) G.B. -6.5, Dal -7, Bal -3, Stl -3, NYJ -8, Cin -7.5, Hou -3, Indy +3, Ten -3, Min +9.5, Chi +5, Sea -4, N.E. -3, Den +6.5, Pitt -10.5, NYG +7

The Mush
Chooch (75-78-7) G.B. -6.5, Dal -7, Bal -3, Ari +3,NYJ -8, Cin -7.5, Hou -3, Car -3,Ten -3, Atl -9.5, Chi +5, Wash +4, N.E. -3, S.D. -6.5, Pitt -10.5, N.O. -7

When Fantasy Football Becomes A Nightmare, Gary McClune Offers Up The Perfect Late Season Remedies


Join me, if you will, in the most hypothetical of hypotheticals. Picture yourself forking over 75 bucks to join your first ever serious fantasy football league (“serious” and “fantasy football” should never be in the same sentence), going through the draft, pulling off one of the most impressive pre-season trades in the history of fairy tale sports, and nearly driving yourself into a panic attack with anticipation of destroying your league-mates pride with a lethal combination of trash talk and crushing defeat. Sounds great, right? Fast forward 11 weeks. You’re in last place with a 3-8 record, fresh off a week where you were blown out by 50+ points (again) and losing to at least 4 guys who think it’s a good idea to have 2 team defenses on their roster. That “trade of the decade” you pulled off before the season? The star player you landed in the deal blew out their knee week 2. You lost your starting quarterback for the season, and that tight end you took in the 3rd round has less points than your kicker. So things turned out less than ideal. Fear not, fellow fake-football-underachievers, I’m here with alternative time-killers that don’t involve slaving over your rosters or offering trades to the Buffalo Bills fan in your league.

1) Video Games: With a plethora of new and amazing releases as of late, finding something you’re interested in shouldn’t be difficult. Personally, I’ve started investing quite a bit of time in Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. It’s incredible. Even girls like this game. While there’s at least a 60% chance you’ll never leave the house again, quit your job and lose contact with the outside world, I’ve had more than a few “HOLY FU*KING SHIT” moments so far, and I’m about ten hours in. Play it. Love it. Lose your god damned mind. If you’re not into the whole medieval, slaying dragons, Lord of the Rings-type vibe, there’s other options. For the sports heads, NBA 2K12 is apparently an amazing follow up to what I consider to be the greatest sports game of all time (I’ll never know, boycotting this game ‘til the lockout ends. So, like I said, I’LL NEVER KNOW). For the action gamers, Uncharted 3 just dropped (sorry Microsoft fanboys) and it’s nothing short of incredible. And of course, Infinity Ward’s Modern Warfare 3 came out last week. So, stock up on terrible flavors of Mountain Dew (White Out? More like Get Out.) and forget all your football worries, there are dragons to be slayed.

2) Other fantasy teams: We all know that you can’t have just one fantasy team. Shit, I did 3 drafts in one weekend this offseason. Dwelling in the cellar in a few leagues? Turn your focus to the other dozen or so you have been neglecting for the first half of the season.

3) Reddit: It’s the front page of the internet. Getting lost looking at meme’s, pictures of cute dogs and heated battles between atheists and Christians for hours upon hours will not only make you forget about your paltry efforts in fantasy football, but basically all of life’s responsibilities as well. You’ve been warned.

4) Drink: Heavily.

5) The fairer sex: The last thing you want your significant other to become is a “football widow”. Your ladies aren’t just there for sandwich making and sex, gentlemen. They have needs to. Like make-up and the Lifetime network. A smart fantasy footballer would combine the best of both worlds. Put forth a decent effort in trying to get them interested in fantasy. Model yourself after Kevin from FX’s , “The League.” Super hot wife, super good at fantasy football. If it happens on television, it can happen in real life. Right?

6) Winter sports: Snowboard. Ski. Bar crawl. Go outside, freeze your ass off, and enjoy every second of it. Did I mention I’m 3-8 in the only league I really give a shit about? Make that gave a shit about. I’m going to the skate park.

-G

Turkey and Previewing College Football Rivalry Games.. That's What Chooch Does

A busy work week kept me silent last week, but I’m back to write about the biggest weekend of the season coming up. This is the best time of the football year. All four days have football, three of which include college games. Obviously there are some big NFL games Thursday, but I’ll leave that analysis to resident NFL experts Dan Chiavetta and Gary McLune.

I’ll take a look at the weekend’s offerings day by day:

Thanksgiving Day:

Texas at Texas A&M: This is a annual rivalry game that takes place Thanksgiving evening. The tailgating must be incredible, but the game will take center stage as potentially the final installment of this
series with A&M’s move to the SEC next year. Needless to say, this should be the most intense game between these two in some time, both wanting to go out on top. Texas is still ranked (I don’t know why), and can salvage a bit of the season with a win over the Aggies. The Longhorns seemed to be headed on the right track until back to back losses to Missouri and Kansas State have knocked them back into mediocrity. This team is only two years removed from a national title game appearance and has boatloads of talent, but it hasn’t come together. Mack Brown’s seat could be getting warmer with another disappointing year. Meanwhile, the Aggies certainly know what disappointment feels like. A preseason top 10 team, Texas A&M has been a huge flop (one of my correct predictions), standing at 6-5 and a potential 6-6 season with a loss to Texas. Obviously, they’re moving to the SEC for the exposure and money, but how can they honestly expect to compete in the SEC West, a division that has the top 3 teams in the country right now. I think the Aggies will pull this one out at home and leave the Big XII on a high note.

Friday:

Arkansas at LSU: Where to begin with this one. Number 3 at Number 1. LSU clinches the SEC West with a win, while an Arkansas win would send the BCS into a frenzy, since Bama has already beaten the Razorbacks. Four years ago, Arkansas came into Baton Rouge and knocked off number 1 LSU in an epic overtime thriller. Can they do it again? They’re going to have to find some way to move the ball on LSU’s ferocious defense. Arkansas likes to pass, and will throw the most receiver talent at the Tigers all year, so that will be where the game could be decided. On the flip side, can LSU’s quarterbacks avoid the big turnovers. To win a game like this, Arkansas will need to make a big play, and special teams and defense could provide that spark. In the end, I think LSU will be too tough at home and will roll to 12-0.

Pittsburgh at West Virginia: This game isn’t very meaningful this season, but it’s always a great rivalry game between two schools that hate each other. It’s always a tad more dangerous in West Virginia, too, as things are more likely to be set on fire. A win would be huge for both first year head coaches. I don’t know if Pitt as the firepower to stay with the Mountaineers this year.

Iowa at Nebraska: This is a new rivalry game, but it seems like it should have always been played. These two neighbors represent tough, Midwestern football, and should treat us to a hard hitting low scoring affair this weekend. Nebraska is reeling from a loss to Michigan, while Iowa has been muddling along this year (one of my preseason predictions gone awry). I think Iowa pulls this one out at home.
BC at Miami: Another relatively meaningless game, but one with some history. Can Miami end its season on a high note (it just announced it will forego a bowl game this year)? Can BC get its fourth win of the year after giving Notre Dame a scare last week? Few people will be watching because this game is on at the same time as Arkansas-LSU, but I’ll check it out periodically to see how BC plays on the road.

Saturday:

Ohio State at Michigan: Maybe the best rivalry in college football, The Game kicks off at noon this Saturday. It’s been 7 long years since Michigan last beat Ohio State, and you can bet the Wolverines have been waiting for this game all year. For the first time in ages, Michigan enters this game ranked higher than the Buckeyes. The Wolverines also have a potential BCS at-large spot on the line in this game. News of Ohio State potentially hiring Urban Meyer after the season has added intrigue to this matchup, as if it needed any more. I like the Wolverines at home, but it should be a close game.

Georgia at Georgia Tech: A rivalry called “Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate” features one of the game’s best mascots and one of its best fight songs. It’s always interesting to see the triple option against an SEC defense. Georgia Southern’s flexbone attack gave Alabama some trouble last week, but Georgia is becoming familiar with Georgia Tech’s due to their annual matchup. I can’t pick against Georgia in this one, as the team has won 9 straight games.
Alabama at Auburn: The Iron Bowl is among the most intense rivalries in the country, and the intensity has only been amplified by the two schools’ winning back to back national championships. The poisoning of the trees at Toomer’s Corner by a deranged Alabama fan last year made the headlines, but this rivalry should be about what happens on the field, and the 2010 version was an all-time classic. Nobody really expects Auburn to challenge Bama very much, but nobody expected them to in 2009 either, and that game came down to the final drive. Still, I don’t see how Auburn’s defense can slow down Trent Richardson.

Virginia Tech at Virginia: The winner of this rivalry game will win the ACC Coastal Division and move on to the ACC title game to face Clemson. Mike London has done a fantastic job at Virginia, taking the Cavaliers from the dumps to a potential conference title. Virginia Tech this year has done what it always does. It plays the ACC schedule very well, beats 4 joke non-conference teams, and finds itself near the top 5 at the end of the year. The ACC must be praying that Va Tech doesn’t win the conference yet again, resulting in either an Orange Bowl beatdown at the hands of a real team, or an Orange Bowl featuring Va Tech and the Big East winner (which would have only a couple thousand people in attendance).

Oregon State at Oregon: I doubt Oregon State has any chance in this game, but I just love that this rivalry is called “The Civil War”.
Penn State at Wisconsin: Like Virginia Tech at Virginia, the winner of this game will win its division and move on to the conference title game. Penn State has obviously been all over the news recently, but interim coach Tom Bradley did a nice job last week in steering the Nittany Lions to a victory in Columbus, never an easy place to play. The Penn State defense versus the Wisconsin running game should be a fascinating matchup. Can Penn State get enough big plays to steal a few points and the game? It could be really awkward for the Big Ten if the inaugural championship game features Penn State and all the negative press.

Duke at North Carolina: Screw hoops. This is the game that really gets Tobacco Road riled up!

Florida State at Florida: The Seminoles are reeling after losing to Virginia at home last week on Senior Day, but can still make this season a success by beating the Gators and taking the Florida state title (the Noles beat Miami a few weeks ago too). Can FSU move the ball against a stout Gators defense? I know that Yung Buck will be on the edge of his seat.

Clemson at South Carolina: The most underrated rivalry in the country will have its best installment yet this weekend as both teams are 9-2. Like Georgia at Georgia Tech, nothing is really at stake here, but the motivation to beat the rival will make this a really compelling game. The Gamecocks are looking to get just their second 10 win season in program history. I think South Carolina will win this at home behind a relentless defense.

Notre Dame at Stanford: It’s probably too tall an order for the Irish to beat Andrew Luck in his final home game, but I would at least like to see Notre Dame play tough and compete. Stanford isn’t immortal and can be challenged. It’s going to take some big plays on defense and special teams and a big day from star receiver Michael Floyd to get it done. We’ll see.

UCLA at USC: This is a bitter, bitter rivalry. Can slick Rick save his job?

Heisman Forecast:

This is one of the craziest Heisman races in a while. Robert Griffin III makes a triumphant debut on the list after his magnificent performance against Oklahoma last week:

1. Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
2. Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
3. Matt Barkley, QB, USC


See you all next week

-Chooch

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

New Study Claims That Staring At Breasts For 10 Minutes A Day Increases Heart Health



Fuck. Yes. For a second there I was starting to get nervous that maybe all those late night trips to the drive thru might come back to haunt me one day, but after watching this news report I'm 100% confident that I am now going to live forever. I guess basically what they're trying to say here is that boners = healthy heart? Well then consider me a 1971 Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I can't even put into words how much it would suck to be the control group in this experiement. Refraining from looking at a woman's breast for 5 years? Not even kidding I'd rather die. That's like Chinese water torture times 1,000. Like who are these morons that signed up for this thing? They have to all be gay, right? I just can't see a straight man agreeing to these terms for anything less than 10 mil.

P.S. Let's be honest here people, did this study even need to be made? I mean all you had to do was take a look at The Fox from The Man Show. Granted he's since passed, but still I'm sure hanging out with those juggies added a few extra years to his life.


"Zicke, Zacke, Zicke, Zacke, Hoi, Hoi, Hoi!"

-fresh (@danye33)

Recapping The 2011 MLB Awards (National League Edition)

MVP: The Baseball Writers and I agree on this one, Ryan Braun’s year was a phenomenal one and 100% deserving of the MVP award. Posting .332, 33, and 111 respectively, along with stealing 33 bags, the Hebrew Hammer was just that, a hammer. Along with Prince, he led the Brewers all the way to the NLCS, which has previously been uncharted territory for this generation of Brew Crew fans. Owner Mark Attanasio has already claimed that there will be a bronze statue of Braun in front of Miller Park when he decides to hang it up.

ROY: Braves flamethrower Craig Kimbrel claimed the Rookie of the Year award. As part of a revamped and dominant Atlanta bullpen, Kimbrel’s 100+ mph fastball allowed him to record a league leading 46 saves while averaging a mindblowing 1.65 K/IP ratio. Kimbrel will clearly be a force to be reckoned with in the NL for a long time.

COY: The Dback’s Kirk Gibson is this year’s Coach of the Year. Gibson, largely rememberd for hitting one of the most infamous homeruns in ML history, has turned the Dback’s around from worst to first, getting a lot of excitement and energy out of his young team. The sting from that Game 5 NLDS loss this year has left them hungry for more, and with all their young talent and Gibson calling the shots, there is no reason to believe that these guys won't be back in the postseason next October.

CY Young: Clayton Kershaw wins this year’s award for best pitcher. Like Verlander, he too won the pitcher’s version of the Triple Crown putting up 21 W’s while having a 2.28 ERA and striking out 248 batters along with grabbing a Gold Glove. Adding a slider to his arsenal clearly has made hitters uneasy at the plate and elivated the young phenom to super star status.

Comeback Player: The only reason I didn’t mind the St. Louis Cardinals winning was because the Big Puma (Ed. Note- SEABASS) got his ring. Lance Berkman, winner of this year’s comeback player, has been a feared hitter throughout his career. After injuries plagued him in the 09’ and 10’ seasons, Berkman stormed back hitting .301 while blasting 31 HR’s and driving in 94 runs. Good for Berkman but fuck the Cardinals.

Aaron Award: Matt Kemp was the NL's best pure hitter this year. Kemp and Kershaw were the few bright spots in an otherwise abysmal season for the Dodger’s. Kemp, probably the best offensive player in the entire league this year, won a Gold Glove along with recording a monster season at the plate posting .324, 39, 126 and stealing 40 bags. Basically he was worth every penny of the 160 million dollar contract he signed.

NL Gold Glove Winners

C- Yadier Molina
1B- Joey Votto
2B- Brandon Phillips
3B- Placido Polanco
SS- Troy Tulowitzki
LF- Gerardo Parra
CF- Matt Kemp
RF- Andre Ethier
P- Clayton Kershaw

Biggest Snub- While the disparity in this is nowhere near as bad as the AL’s, I feel Carlos Ruiz was snubbed due largely because Yadier has become a staple in that slot. Yes,Yadier is a monster and is the best defensive catcher in the league, but Carlos had a slightly better year defensively and handled the pitching staff more effectively.


NL Silver Slugger Awards


C- Brian McCann
1B- Prince Fielder
2B- Brandon Phillips
3B- Aramis Ramirez
SS- Troy Tulowitzki
OF- Ryan Braun
OF- Matt Kemp
OF- Justin Upton
P- Daniel Hudson

Biggest Snub- Lance Berkman probably got snubbed out in favor of Justin Upton. Similar to Cabrera’s argument had a better BA, OPS, OBP, and Slugging PCT, along with more homers and about 30 less strikeouts. However Upton had way more hits and more runs scored so you could go either way. Kind of like Tila Tequila, Andy Dick and the Hudson River.

-Palaz

Recapping The 2011 MLB Awards (American League Edition)

MVP: On Monday, Justin Verlander became the first starting pitcher since Roger Clemens ('86) to receive the MVP award. As much as I disagree with giving the MVP to a pitcher, Verlander shook his dick everywhere he pitched this past season. Justin won the pitching equivelent to the Triple Crown, leading the league in wins (24), earned run average (2.40), and strikeouts (251), not to mention posting a ridiculous 0.92 WHIP. If there were ever a year where a pitcher deserved to win this award, it was 2011. And in a move that surprised no one, Verlander also won the AL Cy Young Award.

ROY: Rookie of the Year honors go to the Rays newest gunslinger, Jeremy Hellickson. Hellickson posted a stellar 2.95 ERA, 8th best in the AL and racked up 13 W’s. Perhaps the most impressive aspect lies in the fact that most of this was accomplished in the unforgiving AL East.

COY: After his team’s epic comeback to win the Wild Card, the Coach of the Year award goes to the Rays Joe Maddon. The Rays continue to remain competitive in the East, due largely in part to Maddon’s ability to coach and create a loose and cohesive unit. Moreover, the fact that his team’s payroll is one-fourth that of Boston’s and one-fifth of the Yankee’s makes his accomplishments that more impressive.

Comeback Player: Jacoby Ellsbury takes home this award. After an injury to his ribs caused him to miss the majority of the ’10 season, Ellsbury bounced back better than ever in 2011. He was my choice for MVP after posting a .321 BA, 32HR’s, 105 RBI’s and swiping 39 bags + Gold Glove. If it hadn’t been for the Red Sox epic collapse, I feel he would have been the one walking away with the MVP.

Aaron Award: This year’s best hitter award goes to Jose Bautista. After starting off red hot, Bautista cooled down towards the end of the year but still posted MVP worthy numbers jacking 43 HR’s and hitting over .300. Bautista’s 2 year surge has stirred up controversy on whether he took steroids which I can assure you he hasn’t… it was HGH which will now be difficult to get away with in the new testing implemented by the MLB labor deal.

AL Gold Glove Winners

C- Matt Wieters
1B- Adrian Gonzalez
2B- Dustin Pedroia
3B- Adrian Beltre
SS- Erick Aybar
LF- Alex Gordon
CF- Jacoby Ellsbury
RF- Nick Markakis
P- Mark Buehrle

Biggest Snub- I have the luxury of watching Robinson Cano on a daily basis. That man makes difficult plays look so easy that it actually hurt him. Best defensive player in the game today and that little midget took it away from him. He should literally be slated into that awards for the next 5 seasons. Ridiculous!
Silver Slugger AwardsC- Alex Avila
1B- Adrian Gonzalez
2B- Robinson Cano
3B- Adrian Beltre
SS- Asdrubal Cabrera
OF- Curtis Granderson
OF- Jose Bautista
OF- Jacoby Ellsbury
DH- David Ortiz

Biggest Snub- Miguel Cabrera had such an absurd offensive season, I just don’t know how he could be left off it. He had a higher average, more HR’s and runs scored, which when you compare Comerica to Fenway, it’s a joke. He had a higher OPS, OBP, and Slugging PCT so like I said, THE AL FUCKED UP.

-Palaz

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

South Korean Legislator Deals With His Concerns In Parliament Very Rationally... Just Kidding, He Deals With Them By Firing Tear Gas At The Speaker


(NBC)South Korea's parliament ratified a long-stalled free trade deal with the United States on Tuesday after ruling party lawmakers forced a vote amid shouts and shoves from opposition rivals. Shouts filled the National Assembly as lawmakers pushed, shoved and screamed while ruling party lawmakers forced their way onto the parliamentary floor. One opposition lawmaker fired tear gas, reports said. Some lawmakers were seen wiping their eyes after being doused with the chemical. Security guards later manhandled that opposition lawmaker out of the chamber as he shouted and tried to resist being thrown out.

Kim Seon-dong's swagger is on a hundred thousand trillion right now. Total commie boss move if you ask me. You want to pass a free trade agreement with the United States, fuck you, you better believe I'm throwing tear gas everywhere. Can't sign an agreement when your blinded right? Lucky this congressman hadn't prestiged yet. Otherwise may have been dealing with dogs, enemy care packages, helicopters, the whole works.

Dude's "engrish" was probably a little rough and he couldn't read the agreement. Only logical explanation for his opposition. What nation wouldn't want to enter into an agreement with the world's most healthy economy, the U.S. Not like there's a booming world superpower already in the region.

In all honesty though I feel as if this would work well in the United States. You won't issue a tax on millionaires, boom tear gassed. You can't figure out how to cut more spending so we don't have to raise the debt ceiling, boom tear gassed. You want to sit in the middle of the sidewalk and peacefully protest at UC Davis, boom tear gassed (too soon?). I just picture Nancy Pelosi holding a tear gas grenade like Brick in Anchorman running towards John Boehner. No way Congress doesn't start compromising if non-lethal weapons get involved.


-Bacon

Monday, November 21, 2011

Jose and Leila Found Love In A Hopeless Place! It's Your Weekend Tweet Re-Cap


For a second I thought about skipping this week's edition of the Weekend Tweet Re-Cap. Things have been really busy at work this week (essentially working two shifts for the price of one) and I spent last night visiting my grandma in the hospital (Di, if you're reading this- don't freak out, it's all good now). But it was on my train ride to work this morning that I was reminded of a certain rule, from a certain movie, about dudes who crash weddings and try to pick up chicks. The rule that I'm referring to is #76. No excuses,play blog like a champion. So without Freddy Adu, I present you with the #WTR.

And now, the tweets!

Great concept. Some other 21st century 'Nam's that I thought up were taking a shit without your iPhone, whenever those annoyingly loud station tests take place during a reality tv elimination ceremony and anytime someone plays a Killer's song at a party.

HEEEEEEEEEEE'S BAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!! Our favorite suicidal snitch has reignited the flame with his ex-beau Leila, and the former bash brother-turned twitter limerick writer would like to let it be known that they absolutely dominated the shit out of the poker tournament @ Southpoint casino this past weekend! For more Canseco tweets click these links.

Somebody go ahead and get this guy a t-shirt cause week in and week out no one is more consistent on Twitter than him. This idea makes perfect sense. Just like how Bozo doesn't need "the clown" after it and how gum doesn't need "chewing" before it. Well played Mr. Mustian.

WORST TWEEK OF THE WEEK

Connor Strozza I don't know who you are, or why I follow someone who RT'd you, but on behalf of men everywhere I would just like give you a virtual kick in the dick for setting the progress of men back two thousand years with your pathetic tweet. I don't care if this was a joke. I don't care if you're married. If I ever see you in real life you're getting a swirly, and I'm going to dedicate it to your baby.

Until next week, keep tweeting my friends

-fresh (@danye33)

The Best of The Pepper Spray Cop Meme











via Buzzfeed