Awesome 90's Songs You May Have Forgotten- Sublime "Greatest Hits"

As some of you may or may not know, in precisely eight days I will be heading to Sin City and the Golden State for a much needed vacation. When I tell you that this trip is literally the only thing that's crossed my mind since the Giants won the Super Bowl, I'm not lying. Sure, Linsanity was fun, but I've had my eye on the prize ever since I got my vacation days approved from work. But enough about that (I'll have all of next week to go into details on my journey), lets stick to the matter at hand here, the music. Sublime has been one of, if not my favorite band, ever since I first got my hands on their Greatest Hits cd when I was eleven years old vacationing with my aunt in Texas. I don't think my over-the-hair ear phones left my head that entire trip, sans when I was in the water. It was love at first rift.

Since Sublime hails from the LBC, it's only appropriate that I've been showing them massive amounts of love on my ipod iPhone rotation of late, in anticipation of my cross country excursion. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Greatest Hits (the song itself) has always been my favorite Sublime track. I'll never forget being in seventh grade and printing out the lyrics to this song, along with this picture of their name inside a joint. I immediately hung the pieces of paper up on my wall above my bed and I'm pretty sure that by dinner time I had already been grounded. Apparently parents don't like seeing the phrases "I'm too drunk to light the bong" and "I would be up for being down with a ho" hanging over their prepubescent sons bed. Luckily that did nothing but further my obsession with the band, and here I am now over a decade later rocking out to the same tune.

Only difference is now I'm sitting behind a desk :(

-fresh (@danye33)

Spring Has Sprung- Gettin Miggy Wit It, Vol. 1

Welcome to my new weekly segment for the Weave- “Gettin Miggy Wit It”. Each week I will break down either an event of my own accord and knowledge, or a situation that you, the readers, submit...(hint hint).. if you have anything on your mind... something in your life you want an opinion on...or any question at all SEND IT TO THE WEAVE via e-mail (dan.chiavetta@gmail.com) or hit us up on our Facebook fan page. Until then I will shed light on some situations that I have experienced, along with other things highly valuable drops of knowledge.

It’s almost spring and we all know what that means… The weather is getting nicer and the clothes are getting smaller. Love and sex pheromones are in the air. So here are some tips to get some spring time lovin’...instead of spring time tuggin’.

Tip 1: Dress in your own personal style.

Dressing in clothing that is as expensive as it is tight on your body may not work for everybody. My tip is develop your own tastes and style no matter what it may be. If you want to wear a different ninja turtle outfit every day that is fine. Do it and fucking own it. Wear a shell for god sakes, I don’t care so long as you OWN IT. Because beyond what those clothes say about how weird you may be, it displays confidence in yourself. You’re making a statement “yea I wear these clothes because I want to and it doesn’t matter what the fuck anybody else thinks”. I'm not saying wearing your karate outfit to work will benefit you in anyway other than showing that you have confidence to wear whatever you please...and chicks dig confidence.

P.S....if you’re a nerd and you like nerd things...you will attract other nerds that have nerdy things in common with you. Yes, I understand Kate Upton probably will not go out with a guy who still collects pogs...but maybe, just maybe you’ll find a girl who won’t mind if you show her your slammer.

Tip 2: Drinking with a potential mate

It’s now spring time and that means new relationships are in full bloom. The spring also allows for drinking in public to occur at a much higher occurrence. Drinking with a girl you are trying to start a lil sumtin sumtin with is a high wire act that few have perfected. The shear thought of not saying something completely damaging to your cause while drinking is nothing short of mind boggling. Add the factor of it ay strictly known for getting so drunk you think you’re a different nationality, and this act becomes near impossible. So my advice besides avoiding this situation at all costs is to sadly...drink less. I know it’s an outrageous suggestion but is there really any choice? You don't want to be the one carried out with puke on your chest in front of the girl you want to impress. First, she’ll think “wow this kid can’t even handle his liquor” and “he’s not even a man, he’s a child” and BOOM she’s gone and your S.O.L.

But you also cant seem like a square and wave away any drink that comes your way. You have to appear to be able to drink as much as possible with the least amount of effects... a herculean task but with the use of deception you can do it. First off, you have to drink anything she personally buys and hands you. Secondly, if there is a group of people doing a shot and she is one of them, YOU MUST DO THE SHOT. You must also buy a drink that only you and her will share. Everything else can be sleight of hand.

2a) Drink out of brown bottles

You can sip as slowly as possible and no one will know how much or how little you have drank. Completely removes comments like "I remember my first beer" or "I remember when I had to use a sippy cup" from your douche bag friend’s arsenal.

2b) Know your limit

If you know that you get wasted off of four drinks, nurse one beer and save the rest of your intake for those aforementioned crucial drinks I mentioned earlier.

2c) Stay under control

If you get hot mouth after a Jameson shot, slow your role, keep breathing and swallow. Never spit back up in front of your lady friend. It’s gross and more than likely you will smell after. Also save your side beer for this occasion. I know it’s not the best chaser but it does relieve some of the burn.

2d) If you must yack, make sure you do so under your own pretense

DO NOT let it sneak up on you. Excuse yourself and let it all out in the back ally. Remember, if you’re trying to get a drunk make out sesh, bring mints, you may not care that her mouth taste like Baileys and Mich Ultra, but she may not like the taste of everything you’ve eaten in the past 24 hours.

These are four rules to guide you through the minefield of drinking with a girl you’re trying to wife up. It is also important to remember that these rules do not apply to everyone. Know your lady. If she is a beer guzzling, SUPA FREAK than by all means get pants shitting drunk together. But if she doesn’t, follow these rules because they may just come in handy (and result in a handy!).

So that wraps up the first installment of Miggs Weekly Advice. I will return next week bearing gifts of knowledge in an attempt to break down yet another set of social quagmires "giggity giggity" along with any stories or dilemmas you fans want answered. 

-Miggs

Miggs is the 2 Man Weave's perma-frat boy

Drugged Out Girl At Ultra Music Festival Tries Fucking A Tree

This chick's performance just completely redefined the phrase "tree hugger". Total game changer.

[via Gawker/Hipster Runoff]

-fresh (@danye33)

C.T. Looks To Take Home His First Challenge Victory Tonight In The "Battle of the Exes" Finale

Chris Tamburello, better known as C.T., has come a long way since his Real World Paris days. He’s undergone somewhat of a makeover of late, often times shying away from altercations, and winning both battles and arguments with his mind, not his fists. This is a far cry from the days where he would routinely be one of the first contestants sent home from the Challenge, not for being eliminated, but for fighting. He was Ronnie before Ronnie. Only if Ronnie was about a foot taller and didn’t cry over girls.

This season on The Real World Challenge: Battle of the Exes, Tamburello’s eighth challenge appearance, the man has become somewhat of a father figure, president and solider all wrapped into one. Far too seasoned to fall for any “alliences”, C.T. (and his partner/ex girlfriend Diem) have made it to tonight’s finale by being both physically superior and by out smarting the rest of their competition. All the while being the voice of reason for a cast that lacked leadership in the worst way. One moment that really stuck out for me was when they sent Mark and Robyn into the final dome instead of Ty and Emily, forcing the forty-something duo to truly earn their shot at the prize money, even though sending Ty and Emily in would have been the “smart move” (because they pose more of a challenge to CT/Diem). It showed they have morals, but it also showed how much confidence they had in themselves.

When part two of the season finale kicks off tonight (10pm MTV), we will re-join the competitors as they try to make it through the night outdoors, in negative twenty degree weather, in Iceland. Last week’s part one saw contestants CT/Diem, Johnny/Camilla and Ty/Emily race dog sleds, complete a mini-marathon on the frozen tundra and jump into sub-zero degree waters.  CT’s team completed those tasks in the shortest time, securing some deer skin blankets and heaters for their night in the arctic. 

Though the flow no longer remains for CT, his Charlestown heart does, and he is now a mere *sixty minutes of television away from securing his first Challenge Victory. Amazing when you consider he’s more or less become the face of the franchise. Only time will tell, but I for one will be pulling for the Bruiser from Bahston to get that challenge monkey off his back.

To get hyped for tonight, check out some of these epic CT’s challenge moments

C.T. beats up Adam

C.T. wears Johnny Bananas as a backpack

C.T. goes "Choo Choo"

C.T. verbally abuses Wes

-fresh (@danye33)

*actual filming took place three months ago

You May Only Live Once, But YOLO Should Have Died Yesterday

YOLO.

The latest of the pseudo-philosophical gems trending on social networking sites. Emblazoned on every status, tweet, picture, email, aim, or whatever stupid girls and “swagged out” bros are using to communicate to the public how deep and meaningful their thoughts are, while simultaneously showing everyone what an adventurous, expeditionary, risk taking lifestyle they lead.

For those of you without a Twitter or newsfeed to deliver you your daily dose of stupidity, YOLO stands for You Only Live Once. I know this seems like a superfluous statement, which is why at first I had such a hard time understanding why I was seeing it everywhere I looked. I thought it was a pretty well accepted concept that we all only lived once? Maybe I missed the memo? Maybe there was a general belief that we had multiple lives? Maybe it was an idea I wasn't privy to? Maybe it was a concept where you had to own multiple pairs of Uggs and think John Mayer is the greatest songwriter to ever live in order to grasp it? Although the exact origin of this beauty of a statement is undetermined, its general popularity is due in large part to the song “The Motto” by Drake (don’t even get me started on the softest man in “rap” ) and Tyga.

Really just another classic example of idiot kids taking stuff they hear in song lyrics and applying it to every aspect of their lives because they believe it to have some deep, spiritual, philosophical meaning.

I’d take Drake's advice if I had an upcoming role as Gilbert Grape on Broadway. He did pretty good job playing a handicapped kid (mad street cred) on Degrassi. Hell, I might ask him for pointers on luxury cars or even women, but in terms of a way to live my life or make decisions, I think I’ll pass on anything a man who calls himself "dizzy" might have to say.

To really put this whole YOLO phenomena into context, let me say that Disney’s version of Robert Pattinson, Mr. Zac Effron, has it tattooed on his hand…hand tattoos in the first place are clear indicators of an inability to make rational decisions, let alone when they belong to a man who is best known for High School Musical and having dated Vanessa Hudgens...can you say troll?

And if you really think about it, people use YOLO most frequently when trying to get themselves or their friends to take risks, live fast or "go hard". Isn’t that contradictory to the actually meaning of the phrase? You only live once, meaning no mulligans. Hmm why don’t we use it to do things that’ll greatly increase our chances of spending the rest of it as a paraplegic?

So yeah, let’s all just start basing our lives off of things in rap lyrics and whatever Charlie St. Cloud gets tattooed on himself.

….. Let’s face a bottle of Smirnoff and drive 100 mph while steering with our knees because were blowing lines off the cover of a CD we jacked from our suitemates car...YOLO

YOLO has now firmly cemented its place among the upper echelons of stupid shit people put on the internet in attempts to showcase their nonexistent wit or intellect.

So in honor of YOLO, I’ve decided to compile my top five favorite things idiots write about on social networking sites.

1) Statuses written in the format of an open letter, you know people (usually girls) writing letters to inanimate objects, non–entities and loosely categorized groups of people.

Examples:

“Dear (weather pattern), Continue to/Desist in your (corresponding verb to aforementioned weather pattern).
Love, ____”

“Dear slutty freshman girls who think leggings can be worn as pants…”

“Dear piece of shit air conditioner…”

Dear Dumbass,
You’re writing a F***ing letter to an air conditioner.
You hate those “slutty freshman girls” because they are hotter then you and probably having sex with your boyfriend. Please go read a book or something.
Sincerely,
Blake

2) Expressing your distaste for Twitter/Facebook and continuously threatening to leave the site.

No wait, please! No, don’t go….whatever will I do without photos or your dumbass friends throwing gang signs and holding up alcoholic beverages???

How will I ever live without hearing about what happened to you at work or school?

How will the Facebook/Twitter community survive without daily uploads of your ugly ass dog/cat (there’s millions of pet owners nationwide, you’re not special neither is your pet)?

…I don’t know how we'll do it but we'll manage to move on once you disable your account. We’ll just have to take it day by day...

3) People Expressing their extreme excitement to see their best friends 

“Yoooo my boys from delta beta sigma alpha tau comin' thru tonight we bout to get it poppin in dis bitch straight ragee baby cases of Heineken for days legooo”

“omg my fab betches comin to get crazy for the weeeekend :)“

Oh boy I cant wait for tonight when the boys upload pictures of their hardcore bros pounding half full cups of beer or for a bunch of girls to post pictures of themselves and their “bitches” in ridiculous, trashy outfits, making hideous faces, wearing those retarded sunglasses that make them look like insects!

It’s perfectly acceptable to be excited to see your friends, however I highly doubt your other 656 Facebook friends who barely even know your first name give a shit.

4) Taking pictures of food or alcoholic beverages

Oh you went to a restaurant? Wow! I don’t know if I’ve ever know anyone who’s been to one of those
before!

Of course I’d love to see a picture of your generic chicken or pasta dish with a caption saying “yumm : )”

Oh you ordered a crazy-ass margarita with an umbrella or fruit or a god damn tuxedo on it, or a 12$ pint craft brew that looks like sewage? How tasty! Or maybe you ordered a bunch of multi-colored shots with the alcohol content of a thimble of Boones farm.

Damn you're crazy and cool, please post more pictures of them ASAP!! I don’t know what alcoholic beverages look like so I'll rely on your obviously refined sense of taste to make my decision on which of them to drink.

5) The significant other/relationship posts

While this may seem like it annoys only bitter single females (posts by that particular demographic have to be in the top ten on this list), you actually annoy everyone when you proclaim to all your FB friends or tweeples how much you love snuggling with your significant other, and how love is all you two need in life, and as long as you have each other everything will be okay, and how your world began when you met them or how you would die happy if it was in their arms, or how you’ll love them for eternity.

No one cares that your life didn’t start until you met them, that just means you’re a loser.

And if your heart says their name with every beat, I'd go get an EKG immediately.

Love is a great thing, just not in the weird, border line psychotic, way you choose to proclaim it to the world thirteen times a day.

-Blake Andrews

Don't Call It A Comeback! Vince From ShamWow Returns With "The Schticky"

You may know Vince Shlomi (aka Vince Offer) from his famed ShamWow! or SlapChop infomercials (think Billy Mayes personality mixed with Alex Solowitz’s looks. Then add crack-cocaine) or you may know him as that guy who got arrested on South Beach in 2009 for beating up a hooker after she bit his tongue (don’t cha just hate when that happens?). Either way, he’s back, and this time he’s pimping a new product- The Schticky! The reusable lint roller (and more!) that boasts “You can clean your house in a quicky with the Schticky”. Though this time around he looks noticeably more strung out than in past efforts, the Schticky video still hammers home the laughs we’ve grown to expect from Offer’s work. The highlight of this installment comes at the 1:04 mark when Vince says “Schticky makes you look your best, even for those unforgivable moments.” while posing with his Dade County arrest info in a line up room. For all of you wondering at home, my birthday is April 8th, and yes, I would LOVE the big/little/regular Schticky combo (for $19.99!). Happy home shopping!

“Problem with that shedding pussy, pick up cat hair”

-fresh (@danye33)

Marcus Camby Has First Relevant Basketball Moment As A Member Of The Houston Rockets

The last time we heard from Marcus Camby he was busy sending Landry Fields into the fourth row of the Garden, but now it seems the 16 year NBA veteran has made his way back to the high light reel. Last night the Camby man sank a full court, one armed hurl, at the end of the third quarter against the Sacramento Kings. Tragically, the shot was eventually waved off, but it ended up not being a factor as Houston would go on to cruise to a 113-106 victory.

[via Outside the Boxscore]

-fresh (@danye33)

LeBron James Posts Photo Of Miami Heat Team Demanding Justice For Trayvon Martin

We Are Trayvon Martin. Hoodies. Stereotyped. We Want Justice. 

I Can't even tell you how much I love the fact that the MoHeatos got together and did this. I would even go as far to say this almost makes up for "The Decision". The Trayvon Martin murder, and lack of justice that has followed, has been a gigantic black eye and unfortunate step back for the progression of racial equality in this country. If it takes athletes getting involved to shine some light on this atrocity then I am all for it.  Also, if you feel like getting even more enraged at the asshats and incompetents running the show in Florida, read this excellent piece Gawker did.

(via Facebook)

-fresh (@danye33)

The Best Of "The Walking Dead" Memes

 

(via The Walking Dead Funny)

-fresh (@danye33)

Train Etiquette 101

Commuting on Metro North, or anywhere for that matter, is a matter of survival of the fittest. Every morning thousands of grown men and woman jockey for seating positions like it’s the god damn Kentucky Derby.  Real estate (seating space) becomes the hottest of commodities, as people look for various ways to dose off or read their paper Ipad’s while coming in as little contact with other human beings as possible. I like to think of myself as somewhat of a Jedi Master when it comes to isolating myself from fellow commuters so that I can make up for the hour of sleep that I missed the night before because I deemed it necessary to watch not one, but two, re-run episodes of “The Office” on TBS. 

The most ideal resting spot (on the particular train that I take in every morning, the 8:12 from Pleasantville) is either wall seat of an empty six seater. See below for a visual of me, all smiles in my home away from home.

Now as you may (or may not) know, I’m a pretty tall dude. Nearly 6’4 to be exact, and despite my nickname of Lee Torso (a play on words from the popular College Gameday analyst’s name) my legs are nothing to scoff at either. So yes, I enjoy a good sprawl out session, occupying both the seat I’m planted in and the one across from me. Usually this is never an issue, because as common sense would tell us, if you’re the sixth person to hop into a six seater, you’re a giant dick. I’ve outlined below the proper order number that the seats should be consumed in a six seater, taking into consideration important factors such as comfortability for all, who got there first and the size of the men or woman in question.

  

Unfortunately, as with most things in life, things don’t always go according to plan. Sometimes you get a noob (or an inconsiderate prick) who decides to go against the social grain and fucks things up for everybody. Normally when this happens, internal rage ensues. The below diagram is what happens when person #2 to enters the six seater and opts to sit diagonal from person #1, rather than on the same side with a seat in between.

As you can see, it leaves person #3 with a difficult choice to make. Do I sit next the person on the inside? Or next to the person on the aisle?  Chances are they opt for the middle seat next to the wall passenger, completely shifting the balance of power of the commuters. This exact situation happened to me today, and I saw it coming from a mile away. As the double-chinned businessman approached, my spidey senses began tingling. It was obvious this man had no respect for the social norms of commuting, and proceeded to prop himself down diagonal from me. 

Having anticipated the unavoidable conflict that was destined to occur the moment we hit White Plains train station, I could have been the bigger man and switched sides myself. Only I would never do that because A) I have too much pride and B) if I did do that, then I wouldn't have the pent up anger that drove me to write this blog post. Sure enough, another man boarded the train and headed in our direction. Only this guy had the decency to first ask our commuter #2 (the man diagonal from me) if he would like to switch sides, allowing our new guy (commuter #3) to sit in the middle seat on the opposite side, this way no legs would have touched. I was shocked, never had I seen such intuitive manners from a complete stranger. But just as my lips began to arch towards a smile, all my hopes and dreams were crushed by the harsh, unforgiving sound of the word "No."

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. This guy hung me out to dry like an errant Tebow pass. The next thing I knew, I was snuggled up with John Candy's twin brother and my moral was at an all-time low. I starred down the culprit to no avail, cursed under my breath and after seething for ten minutes or so fell asleep. All was well until we stopped at 125th St. and we were joined by another visitor, who this time chose to sit DIRECTLY ACROSS from me.

I was awoken at 125th St to an orgy of denim 

So for those of you scoring at home- I went from rollin' like a big shot, to packed like a sardine while my arch nemesis was over there living the good life, all because some selfish asshole didn't play by the rules. Mornings suck enough as it is, so follow these steps in all of your future commuting endeavors so that nobody's commute has to be any worse than it already is. 

-fresh (@danye33)

Tebow Deal Makes Dollars And Sense For Jets

The New York Jets acquired the highly coveted and controversial quarterback, Tim Tebow, along with a seventh round pick from the Denver Broncos this afternoon in exchange for a fourth and sixth round pick in this April’s upcoming NFL Draft. This move makes sense the Jets for a barrage of reasons, including roster depth,  offensive versatility and marketability. They just acquired one of only seven quarterbacks to win a playoff game last season, but that hasn’t stop the internet haters from coming out swinging. Now I’m about to go “Tebowing” all over their tweets.

If you look at this trade strictly from a competitive edge stand point, it’s a no brainer. Mark Sanchez has been “the guy” for both Jets fans and seventeen year old girls alike since arriving in New York as the fifth pick in the 2009 draft. Even before he took his first professional snap, Head Coach Rex Ryan had already given him the keys to the franchise. It was his team, sink or swim. After backing into the playoffs that first year (courtesy of back to back rollover performances by the already clinched Colts and Bengals), Mark led the Jets to consecutive AFC title game appearances. Of course we all remember that, but then again how could we not? Jets fans have been holding onto those two failed championship games the way Precious holds on to a Cheeseburger ever since.  It’s their go to response, safety blanket and comfort food all wrapped up into one.

Early “success” (in wins, not numbers) was both the best and worst thing that ever could have happened to Mark Sanchez. Sure it was great in the sense that he provided his organization with meaningful wins and come from behind moments, to go along with a totally undeserved contract extension (3 years, 40 million dollars for the leagues 23^rd ranked passer). But worst in the sense that it’s served as a crutch for his recent failures. In fact, the Jets trusted him so much that they headed into the last season with Mark Brunell as Sanchez’s only competition under center. Which would have been fine if we were playing Madden ’98, but in 2011 they were so confident in Sanchez that they actually went with a forty year old booger magnet as a backup.

After last season’s all around regression (losing both control on the field and in the locker room), it makes perfect sense to bring in one of the leagues fiercest competitors to light a fire under their underachieving quarterback. The worst case scenario for this trade is that Sanchez becomes extra motivated, shines in camp and preseason workouts and comes into this season more prepared than ever before, leaving Tebow as a clipboard model on the sidelines. The best case scenario is that they co-exist peacefully, Sanchez elevates his game due to the new found competition and Rex comes up with creative and useful ways to integrate Tebow into the team’s offense (ex. Wildcat, Goal line, Wish bone?). My case scenario? Jets start out the season 2-5, the New York media starts calling for Sanchez’s head and the Lord savior Tebow Christ comes in and leads them to a miraculous playoff berth.

 

This trade personifies the phrase “low risk, high reward”. It was highly speculated that New York’s arch rival the New England Patriots were interested in acquiring Tebow’s services as well. Everyone knows Belichick has no problem finding unorthodox ways to use players, plus there is the whole Josh McDaniels connection, so why not beat them to the punch? Also, you steal back cover real estate from the Super Bowl champion Giants and Linsanity, and all of a sudden the dysfunctional, 8-8 Jets are the talk of the town. Months of speculation will keep them relevant, plus at the end of the day they’re heading into the 2012 football season with two of the most polarizing and able players in the league competing for the most sought after position in professional sports. 

The silver lining of this deal is the gold implications it will have on owner Woody Johnson’s pockets. Tim Tebow was the second highest selling NFL jersey last season and he did so playing in Denver. Throw him in the Big Apple and he dethrones Aaron Rodgers for that title in no time. These are the same fans who rushed out to buy Brett Favre attire so I doubt the poster child for the American Dream will have any problems generating revenue for Gang Green.  

Not bad for a fourth round pick...

-fresh (@danye33)

The Man Who Brought You The Invisible Children Charity, Arrested For Leaving Invisible Children All Over The Streets Of San Diego #HORNY2012

So Jason Russell, the man responsible for bringing the evils of Joesph Kony to light (while possibly exploiting  us for profit in the process) was arrested Friday afternoon in San Diego, for being drunk and allegedly masturbating in public.  If the above video did not suffice, feel free to watch this one too. The charges were eventually dropped, but he was placed in a 5150 psychiatric ward where he was held over the weekend for observation. Obviously, the director of the Invisible Children charity's arrest has acted as the match to the Internet's BP oil spill sized dose of kerosene, leading to thousands of snarky memes (see below) and blog posts (the weave being no exception). Needless to say this is my favorite news story of 2012 and it's not even close. I wonder if in his next video he's going to hold up a picture of his mug shot and ask his son who the bad guy is now?

-fresh (@danye33)

Weave Gotcha Covered- The 37 Project "Empire State Of Mind"

Much like its predecessors Music Videos That Don't Suck and Awesome 90's Songs You May Have Forgotten, Weave Gotcha Covered is a (fairly) new music feature we've been putting out from time to time to shine some light on our favorite musical covers. This installment features 2 Man Weave favorites The 37 Project covering Jay Z's Empire State of Mind, live from their May 2010 performance at Beer Goggles in Cortland, New York. This was their last show ever as college students and luckily enough I was able to be there to both enjoy the show and record the performance, so that it could live on inside your computer FOR-EV-ER. I don't know the name of the young lady who sang Alicia Keys part, but I do know that she absolutely stole the show. 

I still get chills watching this video, mostly because the majority of the time I'm at my desk at work and it makes me miss college, but also because of how genuinely happy everyone is in the video. For one night they were on top of the world, and this video captures every minute of it.

-fresh (@danye33)

Martellus Bennett May Be My New Favorite Giant

(ESPN) The New York Giants have signed former Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett, the team confirmed. The deal is for one year and $2.5 million, a source told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter. Bennett signed after visiting with the Giants on Wednesday, and said he's eager to prove himself as a starting tight end after four seasons as Jason Witten's backup in Dallas. "It is kind of weird," said Bennett when asked about switching sides between division rivals. "I've been playing against these guys for four years. At the end of the day it is business. People leave Dell all the time to go work for [Apple] Mac."

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this quote. "People leave Dell all the time to go work for Apple". Well Martellus, welcome to the big Apple. You hit the nail right on head with this one. In the past fifteen years, the Giants have won more Super Bowls (2) than the Cowboys have playoff games (1). It's actually almost unparalleled how spot on this comparison is. Sure PC's were the hot technology of the 90's (back when Dallas flourished, winning three Super Bowls), but the times have clearly changed. Remember when Apple first came out with those desktops that looked like candy with the different color backs? Well that was when their first real game changing move, which happened to coincide around the same time the Giants lost to the Ravens in SB XXXV. Things were definitely starting to move in the right direction. 

As the decade progressed it became more and more apparent that Apple had reached the pinnacle of the tech world, and during that same time the Giants have emerged as the best team in the NFC East. Ipods, Ipads, Iphones, cloud technology, stock shares of over $600's a piece, it's not even close. Dell (PC's) are a thing of the past, just like Dallas. So welcome to New York Mr. Bennett, I don't doubt for a second that Eli will turn you into a serviceable tight end. If you don't believe, just ask Kevin Boss and Jake Ballard. 

-fresh (@danye33)

With The Virus Working In Mysterious Ways, "The Walking Dead" Title Takes On A New Meaning

Sunday night’s episode of The Walking Dead was, for lack of a better phrase, a total game changer.  The pre-curser to the season 2 finale, appropriately titled “Better Angels”, started off with a funeral for Dale that played along simultaneously with shots of Shane, T-Dog, Daryl  and Andrea running rampart along the outskirts of the farm, brutally murdering as many walkers as they could find. And as the episode progressed, the imminent hint of violence loomed heavy.

Tensions remained high throughout, as the gang continued to debate upon the best possible way to cure themselves of their hostage, Randall. Finally, Rick decided that another blindfolded trip to the outskirts of town would suffice, because, you know, the last time they tried that it ended up so well (also, good to see fuel preservation doesn’t seem to be a concern for any of these survivors). Only Shane didn’t like that plan, A) because it didn’t work the first time and B) because it didn’t involve him, so he decided to sabotage it by releasing the prisoner and leading him into the woods, conning him into believing that he had turned sides and wanted to abandon the farm for a life of raping and pillaging with the good old Philly boys. That plan last about thirty paces before Shane went all Shane on him, snapping his neck from behind before breaking his own nose on an oak tree and stashing his gun under some leaves in an attempted cover up.

Shane then emerged from the woods, covered in his own blood, screaming and quickly convinced Rick, Glen and Daryl to accompany him on a man hunt to find the already dead, yet presumably alive and gun toting, runaway. The group broke up into twos, with both Alpha’s joining together as they maneuvered throughout the walker infested forest.  While this was going on, Glen and Daryl encountered Randall’s undead zombie corpse, and after a brief scare, Glen became a man and drove a knife through his infected skull.

After a longgg, quiet and eerie stroll through the woods, Rick and Shane finally arrived back on Herschel’s property. Shane strolled a few paces behind, with that crazy look in his eyes, which prompted Rick to ask “Why now?”. A valid question, considering they had just completed a multiple hour long walk in the woods and had now returned to the farm. Shane rebutted with some non-sense about how Rick isn’t a good husband, father and leader and pointed his glock revolver at the sheriffs head. Rick refused to go out fighting, and instead dropped his weapon and proclaimed “you’re gonna have to kill an unarmed man.” After some pleading and prodding, Shane finally agreed to take the gun from Rick, but in a brief moment of vulnerability, exposed his open chest, to which Rick quickly pulled a blade from his back waist line and stabbed his former best friend in the heart.

Carl, the Christianity questioning, trigger shy pre-teen, continued his world tour of Hershel’s farm, this time popping up in the cow pasture in the immediate moments following his daddy #2’s death (Lockdown? We don’t need no stinkin’ lock down!). Rick, clearly shocked that his son witnessed him commit yet another murder (even as justifiable as it may be), tried reasoning with his possessed prepubescent son, but Carl raised his (Daryl’s) gun and aimed it right at him. For a second it seemed like Carl would chose Shane’s legacy over his own father’s life, but luckily cooler heads prevailed, and the youngster actually ended up saving the day by redirecting the gun to a now zombified Shane and hitting him square in the forehead with a bullet.    

The fact that both Shane and Randall became walkers immediately following their deaths despite not coming in any contact with a zombie leaves the gang in both a sticky and unknown situation. Is the virus airborne? That’s one theory being passed around like Ja Rule’s jewelry. It’s been widely speculated that the doctor back at the CDC in season one whispered that to Rick before blowing himself up. It’s a distinct possibility, especially because no one had died from their group from a non-zombie induced wound, so we really would have never known if they’ve been infected from the start. One example that disproves this theory would be the fact that when Rick shot those two Philadelphians in the bar, neither one of them came back to life with an increased appetite for flesh, so I really don’t know what to think.

A more plausible explanation could be the fact that both Shane and Randall had exposed wounds leading up to their time of death. Randall’s wrists were noticeably bloodied from hours spent trying to break free from his handcuffs. If the disease was airborne or if those cuffs had been used on walkers before then it would appear that this reasoning makes the most sense. As for Shane, he got stabbed in the chest with a knife that was undoubtedly used at some point to kill a walker, allowing the dried blood on it to mimic the same effect a zombie bite would have on a person. This seems like the most realistic possibility and the best case scenario for the gang. If in fact everyone is already infected, and they’re already technically “The Walking Dead”, then that would leave them with a pretty bleak future. Also, what would happen if Lori was to have a miscarriage? Would the baby turn into a walker (or crawler) in her stomach and kill her that way? That would add a whole new element of fear and unwanted tension. Wait a minute, what am I saying? That would be AWESOME!

The wildcard factor here is that we didn’t actually get to see Shane kill Randall (the neck hug was blocked out by a tree), so one last (farfetched) possibility could be that Shane infected him on purpose with say a vile or zombie blood or a dirty knife. I don’t think this was the case, but I figured it’s best to cover all possible angles.  Regardless, team farm has much bigger problems at hand, like the 100+ walkers heading STRAIGHT FOR THE HOUSE!!! A buddy of mine suggested they make a run for the barn with all their ammo and pick them off one by one from the top loft, but we both agreed they wouldn’t be smart enough to think that quickly.

It seems pretty obvious that the trend of death is going to continue this Sunday on the finale (9 pm on AMC), and you can bank on at least two main characters meeting their maker (I’m all in on a T-Dogg/Carol parlay). I’m excited/nervous to see how the post-Shane era plays out. It’ll be interesting to see how they move forward without the brass of the group, that is, assuming there are any survivors from this latest zombie invasion.

Shane will be remembered for wearing his high school football number on a gold chain around his neck, hitting Lori doggy style in the woods, murdering Otis (the most talked about, yet least relevant, character in modern television history), shaving his head and talking in various different drawls and accents throughout his nine-teen episode run as the most polarizing figure on my favorite TV show of the past two years. I don't know what the future holds for this show, but I do know that this weekend I will have sex with my best friend's wife and attempt to raise his son in Shane's honor. 

He deserves that much. 

-fresh (@danye33)

For any and all questions about surviving the Zombie Apocalypse, e-mail the Weave at dan.chiavetta@gmail.com

Sign Up For The 2 Man Weave Tournament Pick 'Em Pool!

Well folks it's that time of year again. March Madness is upon us and we figured what better way to showcase your knowledge then by competing against all the other staff and fans of the Weave in our Pick 'Em Pool.  It's free to enter and the winner will be compensated in alcohol (if you're 21+) or money, whatever you prefer, to go along with eternal bragging rights. To play, all you need is a valid Yahoo! ID (If you don't have one, make one. It'll take you roughly 45 seconds) so click here and enter the password "2manweave" (Group ID is 94134 in case you would like to text the invite to a friend). So sign up, spread the word, do your research and make your picks by Wednesday afternoon. And don't forget to take to the fan page to talk trash and discuss the games.

Good luck

-fresh (@danye33)

Awesome 90's Songs You May Have Forgotten- Biggie Smalls "I Got A Story To Tell"

If you have any appreciation for rap music then clearly you haven't forgotten about B.I.G.'s I Got A Story To Tell. But on the fifteenth anniversary of Brooklyn's finest passing I felt it would only be appropriate to shine some light on one of my favorite tracks of his.  This song showcases Biggie's incredible story telling skills, as he reminisces to his crew about a close call he had while fucking around with some chick behind her  man's back. The "man" just happens to play for the New York Knicks, and for all intensive purposes I've always imagined the Knick in question was Charles Smith. No rhyme or reason as to why, but I've found that picturing him in the story makes the song 10x better. Also, nobody's got bedroom swag like Big Poppa- "My 112 CD blast, I was past. She came twice, I came last, roll the grass".

So whatever you end up doing this weekend, be sure to always stay far from timid, only make moves when your hearts in it, and live the phrase "Sky's the limit".

-fresh (@danye33)

"Black Face" Prank A Black Eye For MTV

If there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that my not-so-guilty pleasure is The Real World Challenge. It's just the perfect combination of performance enhancing drugs, sexy ladies, alcohol fueled tirades and out of control hormones. This season they kicked things up a notch by pairing contestants up with ex lovers from seasons past, and just like that, the Battle of the Exes was born.

Exes has already brought us a ton of what-the-fuck moments (Camilla's exorcism anyone?) but nothing will ever top Emily's Black Face "joke" last night. I use the term "joke" very loosely here, considering not one person laughed and for a brief moment I didn't know whether or not Ty was going to cry to punch her in the face.  The joke came after a mock wedding celebration for CT and Diem that saw the cast members get annihilated at a club, before taking cabs home to cook a late dinner and hook up. Ty (Emily's ex and current partner) had spent the better half of the two episodes making out and whispering sweet nothings into Paula's ear, so Emily and Camilla thought it would be a good idea to "dress up like Ty and Paula" and act like them throughout the house. Racism ensued.

They used chocolate for face paint and at one point Emily even questioned her decision ("Is this racist" she asked Cam before entering the hallway). But low and behold they went through with their prank and Emily strutted her way into the kitchen dressed in Ty's clothes, black face and speaking in a ridiculously offensive (and poorly executed) black dialect. Needless to say the other cast mates were speechless throughout the entire charade, and it took Emily about twenty minutes too long before realizing that what she had done was wrong.

A clearly hurt Ty handled the situation with the utmost class, which was especially surprising considering his track record of fighting in years past.  He told the rest of the house that he was going home and even went as far as to pack his bags before being persuaded to "sleep on it" by Johnny Bananas.  Eventually the storm was calmed and an emotional conversation took place between the two teammates, resulting in Ty's decision to stay.

Emily's antics were hurtful, ill-advised and should serve as an unfortunate reminder for how far we still have to go to cure the world completely of racism. For any adult to think that it would be okay to color your face brown to mimic a black person is the ultimate sign of ignorance.  I don't think MTV was necessarily wrong for airing that incident in last nights episode, but I will never be able to look at Emily the same way again.

And you can bet your bottom dollar Ty won't either.

-fresh (@danye33)

An Objective Look At KONY 2012

If you’ve had access to the Internet these past two days, chances are you’ve stumbled across some variation of the phrase KONY 2012.  Basically KONY 2012 is a 29 minute film and campaign brought to you by the not-for-profit group the “Invisible Children.” The goal of the video is to raise awareness about what is going on in Africa, specifically with Joseph Kony and his Lord Resistance Army, who for the past twenty five years have been pillaging villages, abducting children, forcing them to kill their parents and fight for him as child soldiers. The KONY 2012 slogan is aimed to raise awareness and bring national attention to Joesph Kony, making him a household name so that all are aware of his evils.  

But there are two sides to every story, and this particular one is no exception to that rule.  The Invisible Children support direct military intervention, which is a slippery slope for a few reasons. One, their money (well, the money that they actually decide to donate. Last year only 32% of their funds went to direct services) supports the Ugandan government’s Amry, who fights to stop the LRA. Only the Ugandan Army has to been known to do it’s fare share of raping and pillaging themselves, so supporting them could ultimately end up being counterproductive.

Now this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t support the KONY 2012 movement, because I think at the very core their intentions are pure. It’s just always important to look at everything with a critical eye, and not dive head first into a cause just because it has great production value and tugs at the heart strings. Although America could certainly help out the situation in Africa, any direct attack on the Lord Resistance Army would result in the deaths of many children, since their army is made up primarily of child soldiers, which is the complete opposite of the intended goal.

I think it's great that the evils of Joseph Kony have been brought to millions of peoples attention this past week. Let's just make sure we're on board with the exact plan of action before supporting this mission. Like I said, love the idea, question the execution, but at least people are aware, and that is a great first step towards a solution. 

-fresh (@danye33)

Colts Set To Release Peyton Manning

(ESPN) Peyton Manning's 14-year career as a member of the Indianapolis Colts is coming to an end. Sources close to the team told ESPN senior NFL analyst Chris Mortensen that the announcement will come at a press conference in Indianapolis on Wednesday. The decision to pass on the $28 million bonus owed Manning and not to pick up the four remaining years on his contract means Manning will become a free agent, and sources told Mortensen that he intends to continue to play.


So the Colts have decided to part ways with the face of their franchise, announcing today that they have no plans in ponying up the $28 million bonus that Peyton was owed.  Emotionally, I'm sure this was a sticky situation for management, one that had been looming over their heads for the past couple of months ever since they secured the #1 overall pick in this years draft.  Basically all this decision does is reiterate the fact that sports is a business, and at the end of the day loyalty takes a back seat.  In any other year I'm not sure Peyton goes the way of old yeller, but with not one, but two, sure fire starters headlining this years draft class,  why roll the dice with Manning's neck? And more importantly, why chance it with that noose of a contract bonus hanging around it?


As for #18, he leaves Indy as the leagues best regular season quarterback of all-time. For his sake, I hope he still has a couple of solid years left in the tank. I don't see any reason why a team like Miami, the Jets, Arizona or Washington wouldn't take a flyer on him. He's been a class act through and through and reports are saying that his throwing strength has improved dramatically. We will continue to monitor this situation thoroughly, but this just goes to show that one teams Luck, is another man's misfortune. 


-fresh (@danye33)  

New Wikileaks Docs Prove Bin Laden's Corpse Was Not Buried At Sea, Instead Moved On CIA Plane To US

(RT) The body of Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden was not buried at sea, according to leaked emails of intelligence firm Stratfor, as revealed by WikiLeaks.  Stratfor’s vice-president for intelligence, Fred Burton, believes the body was “bound for Dover, [Delaware] on [a] CIA plane” and then “onward to the Armed Forces Institute of Pathology in Bethesda [Maryland],” an email says.The official version is that the body of Al-Qaeda’s top man, who was killed by a US raid in Pakistan on May 2, 2011, was buried at an undisclosed location at sea in a proper Muslim ceremony. WikiLeaks began publishing Stratfor emails in late February. The archive was obtained by the hacker group Anonymous, which successfully attacked one of the firm’s servers. More than 5 million emails were apparently stolen. Stratfor is a US-based intelligence firm called the “shadow CIA” by some media. Among its clients are several US agencies and many big companies. The company relies on paid tips from informants placed in high circles of business, government and security all around the world.


So apparently Osama Bin Laden’s mutilated corpse was not actually buried at sea as President Obama once claimed, but rather shipped back to the United States. Now anyone who knows me knows I'm not Obama's greatest supporter.  But I'm not even going to put Obama on blast because I believe he made the right call. Osama Bin Laden deserved the furthest thing from a proper burial. The guy was directly responsible for the deaths of thousands of American citizens. I wish they would have taken him alive because death was the easy way out for him. He didn't have to suffer like the families of the victims. They should have reopened Guantanamo Bay just for him. Water boarding would seem like a god damn vacation by the time it was all said and done.

But believe it or not there is arguably a bigger issue here than what we should do with some piece of shit's worthless carcass; and that is the fact that all of this information was brought to light by hackers and Wikileaks in the first place. Let me start out with the hackers. This is why I'm NEVER mean to nerds anymore. Last thing I'm looking for is pimply faced, computer wiz to gain access to all my finances, credit cards, or social security number just cause I cracked some joke about how uses the sword too much in Halo or hasn't stopped pwning noobs on World of Warcraft in over 6 years. Would rather just be nice, joke around with them, and have them on my side.

Finally moving onto Wikileaks itself. For those of you who don't know or don't care, Wikileaks is a not for profit media outlet run by Australian internet activist Julian Assange. Assange makes his living leaking classified documents that have normally been hacked or given to him by whistleblowers. Normally I could give a fuck less about Australia. Honestly, can't even remember the last time I even thought about Australia until now. Perhaps when Steve Irwin died? Anyways they pretty much have absolutely no bearing on world affairs. But then you got Julian Assange just trying to put them on the map leaking classified (some top secret) documents for the whole world to see. Just publicizing and illustrating to the entire world all the corners the United States has cut to gain the military and intelligence edge it has today. Wtf Julian? I know you look like Bill Maher's evil twin brother but come on its not that bad. Ehh maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Maybe he just needs to get out in the sun more. Looking like a human Casper ain’t gonna score you any points either. You wanna play the big time you can't look like an adult Draco Malfoy and expect to be taken seriously. Every time I see Assange I feel like a game of Quidditch is eminent.  Regardless U.S. needs to get this guy and it needed to happen yesterday. Personally, I say we just seal team six his ass. What's Australia gonna do? Either way Obama needs to do something. If not for America do it for yourself. Have some god damn self respect. Really gonna let some fuckin Aussie basically show the whole world you’re a liar. Bush Cheney would have locked him away in some secret detention center starved him for hours, waterboarded him, and then pissed on him. 

For those of you who don't know politics all that well I'm gonna simplify this all in a DirecTV commercial type analysis. When you make fun of nerds they hack shit. When they hack shit they give it to albino Australians. When they give it to albino Australians, the albino leaks it. When the albino leaks it everyone knows you’re a liar. When everyone knows your liar you do nothing about it, you get one upped by George Bush. Don’t get one upped by George Bush.

-Bacon