Friday, September 28, 2012

Dude Fakes Helicopter Crash In Elaborate Plan To Propose To His Girlfriend



Another day, another over the top, terrifying way to go about convincing your significant other to commit to a lifetime of eternal love together. Even though tricking someone into thinking they're falling thousands of feet to their premature demise is pretty freaking cruel, I gotta let it slide due to the fact that this dude owns his own chopper and is about to marry a certified smoke.

*tips cap*

Have a safe weekend everybody.

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Purdue Punter Tosses Ridiculous Behind The Back Touchdown Pass In Intramural Game



Umm was the defense even trying on that play? Don't get me wrong, I couldn't have made that throw the normal way even without pass rushers up in my grill piece, but what the hell was up with the coverage in that game? The corner got completely toasted and there was no safety help whatsoever. If that's how they were playing all game it's no wonder the quarterback was throwing behind the back rainbows, they were probably up by 70 points. Can't lie though, just seeing film from an intramural game has got me jonesing to get back on the field. Imagine what kind of a duo this punter and I could have made? I mean I was the best flag football center Cortland State has ever seen. Defenses thought I was gonna help out with the blocking, next thing you know I'm getting caught from behind thirty yards down the field.


-fresh (@danye33)

[via]

The Revenge Of The Irish- It's Your Week 5 College Football Talk With Chooch



I’m back from South Bend after watching a nail-biting 13-6 victory for the Irish. I’ll only write briefly on this game right now, as I’ll be putting out a September review article early next week with a full recap of college football’s first month. Nevertheless, this was a huge victory for Notre Dame. Pretty on offense? No. But for the second week in a row, ND’s defense played at a championship level and held one of the preseason Big Ten favorites without a touchdown. The Irish also conquered their Denard Robinson nightmare, forcing the Michigan star into throwing 4 interceptions (on 4 straight pass attempts in the first half) as well as a crucial fumble early in the third quarter. This is a nice summary of the game for those who missed it.



Notre Dame heads into its bye week at 4-0 for the first time in a decade, and finally some positive vibes around the program. The schedule remains tough into October, but I couldn't have asked for more through the first four games.

Looking Ahead to Week 5

Stanford at Washington (Thursday): Last season, the Cardinal rushed for 446 yards against the hapless Husky defense. As Stanford’s upset over USC a few weeks ago shows, the Cardinal are not going to fade into oblivion now that Andrew Luck is gone. Washington, however, is a much improved team from last season and has some offensive playmakers to challenge the Cardinals. Very intriguing Thursday Pac-12 matchup, as the winner will be in a great spot in the North division race.

West Virginia at Baylor: If you like offense, tune into FX at noon this Saturday. The scoreboard might break from these two offensive juggernauts. Baylor seems to be playing well even without RGIII, but Heisman favorite Geno Smith of WVU might be too much for the Bears’ defense to even slow down, let alone stop.

Georgia at Tennessee: The Vols are in a really tough spot here having failed to defeat Florida at home in Week 3. A trip between the Hedges to face Georgia is not what the doctor ordered. Keep an eye out for Jarvis Jones, the Bulldogs’ outstanding Outside Linebacker/Defensive end, and sure top 10 pick this April. Tennessee will really need a superlative effort in all phases to keep this one close.

Ohio State at Michigan State: The Buckeyes (ranked VERY high at 14, but that’s the Urban Meyer effect) leave Columbus for the first time all season to take on the Spartans, whose season enthusiasm took a hit with their 20-3 home loss to Notre Dame a few weeks ago. Can Michigan State generate any offense through their passing game? If not, it could be another long afternoon.

TCU at SMU: The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian take on the Mustangs of Southern Methodist in one of the country’s underrated rivalry games, the Battle for the Iron Skillet. This game has very little meaning, but I thought I’d bring it up as an example of awesomeness in college football’s rivalries with nicknames.

Texas at Oklahoma State: Is the balance of power in the Big 12 shifting back towards Texas? OSU has had a rough start to the year, getting blown out at Arizona and losing its true freshman starting QB Wes Lunt to injury. Can Texas get consistent quarterback play from starter David Ash to provide support for a good defense? The Longhorns have owned this series historically, losing only once ever to the Cowboys.

Wisconsin at Nebraska: Yet another Big Ten game that lost its luster from non-conference play (more on this next week), these two upper Midwest programs square off for the second time as conference rivals. Wisconsin’s offense has been horrible this season, averaging just 21 points per game and unable to depend on a solid offensive line as in the past. Nebraska meanwhile gave up over 600 yards of offense to UCLA, whom Oregon State exposed last week. This is a very lackluster 8 PM ABC game for late September.

Heisman Watch



1. EJ Manual-QB-Florida State: This is what putting up 49 points and 600 yards of total offense against a top 10 opponent in prime time will do for a Heisman candidacy. Manual threw for over 300 yards and rushed for another 100 as the Seminoles defeated Clemson last week 49-37. Manual right now has everything going for him. He’s got the stats, the signature big game performance, and a chance to lead his team to an undefeated season and a berth in the National Championship game.

2. Geno Smith-QB-West Virginia: Smith takes a bit of a hit after the Mountaineers’ uninspiring 31-21 win over Maryland last week, but with the offense he runs, Smith will have plenty of chances to climb back to the top.

3. Braxton Miller-QB-Ohio State: More huge numbers from Miller last week, but I’m still hesitant to keep him on this list due to OSU’s not being eligible for a bowl game at the end of the season. Miller’s numbers so far are on par with Tim Tebow’s from 2007, although he’s faced less sturdy competition.

4. DeAnthony Thomas-RB/WR/KR/PR-Oregon: The presence of 4 slashes in Thomas’s position indicate how dangerous and valuable he is to Oregon. He didn’t score a TD last week, but continues to put up huge numbers whenever he touches the ball. Marque games await in the coming months.

5. AJ McCarron-QB-Alabama: I finally put McCarron on this list because he’s putting up very good numbers and is on what is clearly the best team in the nation. As a quarterback, that will always keep you in this race.

See you next week,

Chooch

Week 4 NFL Picks



Lets start off by taking a moment to remember the replacement refs...

/cuts three figure check to bookie

Not since the Sticky Bandits in Home Alone 2 has more money unjustly changed hands than what we just witnessed during these first three weeks of the 2012 NFL season. So just like Barry Bonds 762* home runs, I feel like our records in the 2MW Pick 'Em Pool thus far should come along with an asterisk as well.

Anyways, the real refs are going to be back on the field this weekend, which means we can go back to bitching about more important stuff like the coaches and the players. My dad always told me if you don't notice the refs during the game, then they're doing a good job. So for the sake of everyone else in America, I hope we never have to talk about any of these zebras again.

This week the gang advises you to throw all your shillings on the Ravens, Cards and Niners, so I would like to apologize in advance to anyone else who was planning on taking any or all of those games. There's not a snowballs chance in Monica Lewinsky's crotch that they cover.

2 Man Weave Lock Of The Week (1-2)- New England -4 at Buffaloha

When in doubt, go back to your old faithful.

Look, there's just no way Brady & company drop three straight, especially to a division rival. You could have sold me on the dolla dolla Bills, but that was before the league's leading rusher, C.J. Spiller, went down with a shoulder injury. Tashard Pro-Choice? FUGGEDABOUTIT!

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne
Chooch  26-20-2  Bal -13, NE -4,  Minn +4, Atl -7, S.F. -4, S.D. +1, Hou -12, Sea -2.5, Ari -6, Oak +6.5, Jax +2, G.B. -8, T.B. -3, Philly -2, Dal -3.5

Watch The Throne
Flem 19-27-2 Bal -13, NE -4, Det -4, Car +7, S.F. -4, S.D. +1, Tenn +12, Sea -2.5, Ari -6, Oak +6.5, Cin -2, G.B. -8, Wash +3, Philly -2, Dal -3.5

Danye 16-30-2 Bal -13, NE -4, Minn +4, Atl -7, S.F. -4, S.D. +1, Tenn +12, St. Lou +2.5, Ari -6, Den -6.5, Cin -2, N.O. +8, T.B. -3, NYG +2, Chi +3.5

Gary 15-31-2 Bal -13, Buff +4, Minn +4, Atl -7, S.F. -4, S.D. +1, Hou -12, Sea -2.5, Ari -6, Den -6.5, Cin -2, N.O. +8, Was +3, NYG +2, Dal -3.5

The Mush
Muggsey  14-32-2 Bal -13,  NE -4 , Minn +4, Atl -7, S.F. -4, K.C. -1, Hou -12, Sea -2.5, Ari -6, Den -6.5, Cin -2, G.B. -8, Was +3, NYG +2, Dal -3.5 

Obscure Gif Of The Week / Ace Ventura mental hospital dance

 

Babe of the Week / Adriana Lima

 

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Marissa Shoots Trey, The O.C. 



Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch Out For


Chris Johnson, RB Titans 

CJ2K? More like CJ this mothafucka owes me 2K! I took youngin first pick overall on my fantasy team and this cat can't even run to the Gatorade cooler without getting hit. Now he playin the Texans and if he don't get me least 3 TDs I'm fin to pull the trigger next time I seent him. 45 yards on 33 carries? THAT'S THAT SHIT I DON'T LIKE. Anything less than #3hunna yards and I'ma paint the town red. Ayo slim where dat spliff go?


-fresh (@danye33)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

No Trace- The 2 Man Weave Interview



The Weave recently caught up with two of Boston's brightest on the hip-hop scene- high school sophomores Brendan Duggan and Michael Garfinkle of the rap group No Trace. Their first mixtape "Casual Fridays" is available for download now. These are their stories. 

2MW- What made you guys decide to start No Trace?

NT- We started because we were both involved with an NGO called NTC which was focused on creating a cultural exchange with kids in rural Tanzania, Africa. We did a hip-hop CD as a project, we had 4 tracks on the CD, they had 4 tracks. From there, we did covers of popular songs just for fun and that escalated into writing freeverses which eventually formed songs.

2MW- Why don't you tell us a little bit about your trip to Africa? What did you do there? And what were those first four songs about?

NT- I've actually been to Africa twice, mainly because my dad works there. Not full time, just a couple times a year for 2-3 weeks. While I was there I taught a biology course about microscopes, made friends with the kids and adults there and painted a library. The 4 songs were all remixes of famous songs and they all emphasized the NGO's mission which was, essentially, to have a cultural exchange with this rural village called Kwala.

2MW- Very cool- now how is your music being received state side? I know you guys recently put out your first mixtape "Casual Fridays", what kind of feedback have you gotten so far?

NT- We've actually gotten a lot of positive feedback on the mixtape. It's gotten close to 500 downloads in a week and a couple of blogs posted about it, so that was good. We released it right before school started, so during the first week of school a bunch of kids came up to us and congratulated us on it.

2MW- What's next for No Trace? Have you guys thought about booking any live shows?

NT- Yeah for sure. We are performing at a restaraunt in Boston in early October and doing our school's annual talent show. We just got a manager so we're hoping to get more and more gigs as things get better. As far as music goes, we're focused on continuing to write a lot, find beats, release a lot of singles, and eventually start to think about another mixtape.



2MW-In one of your songs you talk about Boston's "Decade of Dominance" in the sporting scene. Which home town team is your favorite?

NT- (laughs) It's hard to choose, but probably the Patriots because they've been so successful and football season is the best. There's nothing like it. 

2MW- 100% agreed. Hate to rub it in but... which play stings more- Welker's drop in SB 46 or the Helmet Catch in SB 42?

NT- We clearly have a Giants fan over here.. but probably the Welker drop because right after he dropped it you got this feeling of dejavu from 2 years before when the giants were down and then came back to win it. And David Tyree's catch was impressive, Welker just straight dropped it and afterwards you just had this feeling in your stomach that we were going to lose again.

2MW- What's your super bowl prediction for this year?

NT- I honestly think the Patriots have the team to make it back to the Super Bowl, but I have the Eagles winning it all. (Ed Note. this interview took place before the season started)

2MW- For the record, the 2 man weave picked the Pats over the 49ers.

NT- That wouldn't surprise me, the Niners have a good squad too.

2MW- Who are some of your biggest musical influences?

NT- We look up to J Cole a lot because he was quiet and kept working hard till he got signed one day and blew up. We're also big fans of his lyrics and his flow can be insane at times. As opposed to someone like Lil Wayne who is hard to look up too because his lyrics dont mean anything.

2MW- What's one thing the world should know about No Trace?

NT-  We're not trying to be like the typical white rappers who think they're black and gangsters for rapping. We're just your typical high school kids who play sports and do music as a hobby. However, we do take it seriously and wanna take it as far as it will get us. So when you see us/hear about us, don't jump to a conclusion before you hear our music and just give us a chance. 

2MW- Thanks for stopping by guys, best of luck this fall.

NT- Thanks for having us!

'like' No Trace and the 2 man weave on Facebook!

-fresh (@danye33)

Tensions Run High As World Preps For "Unavoidable" Bacon Shortage


(Yahoo!) Is it pork-ageddon? Britain's National Pig Association has sounded the alarm that the world should brace for an "unavoidable" bacon and pork shortage next year. The cause of the trouble is high pig-feed costs caused by what it describes in a press release as "the global failure of maize and soya harvests." "It's not that people don't want to eat pork, it's just that they increasingly can't afford to," economist Steve Meyer told the publication. "We've been warning about this for years. Now that we are talking about bacon, we've really got everyone's attention."

I'm not sure people realize how big of a deal this really is. Like were not talking about some non-essential non-nutritious foods, we're talking about bacon. A dietary staple of America. A food that stole the place of my first and last name for four years of college. And now there's going to be a shortage. Obama and Romney just going state to state preaching about irrelevant issues like the economy and Israel, just completely ignoring the bacon shortage altogether. Quick way to alienate the youth vote if you ask me. See what happens when millions of hungover American's can't get their bacon, egg, and cheese for breakfast. It's times like this you just have to ask yourself what your priorities are in the coming years. Access to things like affordable health care or access to affordable bacon?

Decision 2012, indeed.

-Bacon

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Week 4 Waiver Wire Pickups


Tired of losing in fantasy each week? Stay a step ahead of the competition by reading my "Win Week 4" column over at TDdaily.com.

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Week 3 NFL Picks

For starters, if you haven't already watched the video of Muggsy getting his marinara bath, I highly suggest you do so immediately. Now that that's taken care of, we can get back to focusing on what we do best- give out horrific betting advice! This week Gary, Muggs and I are currently tied in a Ménage à trois of suckitude. Chooch caught fire last week and moved into first, and another steady performance from Flem has him watching the throne all alone. This week the gang advises you to wage heavily on San Fran and the Saints, but until we get a better grip on what teams are contenders and which are pretenders, proceed with caution. 

2 Man Weave Lock Of The Week (1-1) - New Orleans -8.5 vs. the Chief Keef's

Reasoning- The Keef's are the worst team in football and I just can't see the Saints starting off the season 0-3, with two of those loses coming in the Superdome. Regardless of how GAWD AWFUL that defense is. Also, my most sincere apologies for suggesting you lock it with up with DA RAIDAHS last week. I broke the cardinal rule that you never bet on a team coming off a Monday night game that has to fly across the country. NEVER AGAIN I TELL YOU!!

/takes Atlanta this week

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne
Chooch 18-13-1 NYG -1, Chi -7.5, Dal -7, S.F. -7.5, Ten +3, Cin +3.5, NYJ -3, N.O. -8.5, Buff -3, Jax +3, Philly -4, S.D. -3, Den +1, Oak +5, N.E. +3, G.B. -3.5

Watch The Throne
Flem 15-16-1 Car +1, Chi -7.5, Dal -7, S.F. -7.5, Det -3, Cin +3.5, NYJ -3, N.O. -8.5, Cle +3, Ind -3, Philly -4, Atl +3, Den +1, Oak +5, Bal -3, G.B. -3.5

The Mush
Gary 11-20-1 NYG -1, St. Louis +7.5, T.B. +7, S.F. -7.5, Det -3, Wash -3.5, Mia +3, N.O. -8.5, Cle +3, Ind -3, Philly -4, Atl +3, Hou -1, Pitt -5, Bal -3, G.B. -3.5

Danye 11-20-1 Car +1, St. Louis +7.5, Dal -7, S.F. -7.5, Det -3, Cin +3.5, NYJ -3, N.O. -8.5, Buff -3, Ind -3, Ari +4, Atl +3, Hou -1, Pitt -5, Bal -3, G.B. -3.5

Muggsy 11-20-1 NYG -1, St. Louis +7.5, Dal -7, S.F. -7.5, Det -3, Wash -3.5, NYJ -3, N.O. -8.5, Cle +3, Ind -3, Philly -4, S.D. -3, Den +1, Pitt -5, N.E. +3, Sea +3.5

Obscure Gif Of The Week / James Van Der Beek Churning the butter




Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Bill Gates jumps over a computer chair... LIKE A BAWSE



Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch Out For


Mikel Leshoure, RB Detroit Lions

"Ay so my mans Mikel finna click clack pow when he step back on the field this weekend. Something light, like fifty-level scores maybe. Dude kept it three hunna and ain't say where he copped his stash from when the po-po ran up on 'em for some trees so I can respect dat. But when you think about it, why a team from the D called the Lions? I moved weight there as a youngin and I ain't seen no muhfuckin' Lions up in that bitch. I did cop some dome tho."


-fresh (@danye33)

This Is What Happens When You Come In Last In The 2 Man Weave Pick 'Em Pool



As I'm sure you're well aware of by now, our good friend Muggsy (known last year as "the Geez") was the mush (biggest loser) in our inaugural 2 Man Weave Pick 'Em Pool. As a reward for coming in last place, Muggsy was forced to subject himself to marinara bath, issued by yours truly. Being the great sport that he is, Muggs showed up to my house last week and we were able to film the séance of the sauce before heading over to Foley's to watch the Packers play the Bears. We filmed the events on two separate cameras, and I'm currently in the middle of editing the higher quality version with slow-motion and music. In the meantime, you can enjoy the version we recorded on an iPhone now, because quite frankly, this video is too good to sit on. 

You're a good man Muggsy Foges. 

-fresh (@danye33)

It's Your Week 4 College Football Talk With Chooch- LIVE From South Bend, Indiana

I’m back on the Weave after a work-induced one week hiatus. Week 4 features four matchups between top 25 teams. Here’s a quick overview:

Looking ahead to Week 4

The ACC’s big moment- Tenth-ranked Clemson travels to Tallahassee Saturday to take on fourth-ranked Florida State in what figures to be the Atlantic Coast Conference’s big shot at a national spotlight game. The Tigers defeated the Seminoles last year in Death Valley (Clemson’s stadium) through a combination of big plays and timely defense, although FSU starting QB EJ Manuel was hurt for the game. Keep an eye on Sammy Watkins and Deandre Hopkins, two explosive receivers for Clemson, against a fast and tenacious Florida State secondary that features future NFLers Xavier Rhodes and Lamarcus Joyner. It should be a relatively low-scoring game, so big plays from the Clemson receivers could have a big impact on the result. ESPN College Gameday will be on hand, which will only amp up what should be an outstanding atmosphere. I’d be really looking forward to watching this game at Saloon (FSU’s bar in New York) with Johan Sabastian Benji, but I won’t be able to, because…

Night game at ND, part 2- I’ll be at the Notre Dame-Michigan game in South Bend. The Irish are coming off the program’s biggest win in many years after beating up on tenth-ranked Michigan State 20-3 in East Lansing last week. Michigan comes into this game with a mixed bag over the first few weeks, getting blown out by Alabama (like pretty much every team in the country would) and two somewhat lackluster performances against Air Force and UMass. The Wolverines are particularly vulnerable in the trenches, but they still have always exciting Denard Robinson (yes, he’s STILL at Michigan) to give me migraines. It’s worth noting that last season, ND flopped big time in its first home night game in 20 years, against USC. Hopefully, that doesn’t happen again. A victory and a 4-0 start heading into an early bye week would be absolutely huge for this program.



Pac 12 Excitement- The suddenly powerful Arizona Wildcats, under the direction of new head coach Rich Rodriguez, head up to Eugene Oregon to take on the similarly explosive offense of Oregon. The scoreboard might break in this one, but it might be too much to ask of the young wildcats to pull an upset like this on the road. Still, after the way they started this season, including a big upset at home over Oklahoma State, it’s hard not to get excited about the potential of Rich Rodriguez at Arizona. The Wildcats could be making some real noise in the conference, and soon.

Kansas State at Oklahoma- A huge early season Big 12 matchup between two top fifteen teams. Can Bill Snyder continue to work his magic after coming out of retirement a few years ago to help revive his KSU program? The Wildcats got blown out by 41 points last year by the Sooners, so it will be a tall order, especially at night in Norman. This game will be on Fox, which is really nice to see, since we’ve had no real competition to ESPN for these night games the past few years. With the Notre Dame-Michigan game being on NBC, that’s two big primetime games not on the ESPN family.

A few other games to keep an eye on

Cal at USC- How will the Trojans recover from their crushing defeat at Stanford last week? They’ll probably bounce back and crush Cal, but this team has way too many depth/injury issues and is way too soft not to lose another game the rest of the way. Lane Kiffin’s star came crashing down to earth last week.

LSU at Auburn- A few short years ago, this was an epic game of equals. Now, with Gene Chizik at the helm at Auburn (without Cam Newton), the Tigers of LSU are leaps and bounds ahead of their counterparts in Alabama. LSU opened as a 17 point favorite, an incredible figure for an SEC West matchup. In other news, can we stop worshipping the SEC West? Sure, it has Bama and LSU, the two best teams in the country, but programs like Arkansas and Auburn have quite frankly been garbage. There’s no depth whatsoever.

Missouri at South Carolina- The Tigers look to notch their first SEC win after getting crushed by Georgia in Week 2, but it won’t be easy in Columbia. Still, this is the kind of game that the Gamecocks have lost the past few years (like against Auburn last year, a game I attended).

Oregon State at UCLA- Jim Mora’s Bruins have been playing excellent football, notching a win over Big Ten power Nebraska. This represents the first Pac 12 game for the new regime. The way the season’s gone, UCLA might be able to contend in the Pac 12 south, but it can’t afford to blow games like this.

Heisman Watch



1. Geno Smith-QB-West Virginia: Smith has been putting up video game numbers in coach Dana Holgorson’s air raid offense, and should have some good chances to have Heisman moments against big programs like Oklahoma and Texas.

2. DeAnthony Thomas-RB/WR/KR-Oregon: Thomas is a threat to score a touchdown every time he touches the ball. He’s averaging over 15 yards per touch on offense and looks like a touchdown machine. Being a kick returner helps his chances too.

3. Braxton Miller-QB-Ohio State: Miller might be hurt by OSU’s not being eligible for a bowl game this year, but so far he’s putting up numbers on par with Tim Tebow’s 2007 Heisman campaign.

Dropped off the list

1. Matt Barkley-QB-USC: A few weeks ago, I noted that Barkley needed to drive USC to an undefeated season, and the award was his. Well, he and SC faltered at Stanford. Even worse, it was a terrible game for Barkley, which included two picks. A sad, premature end to the Heisman campaign of a really good person for college fooball.

2. Leveon Bell-RB-Michigan State: Bell never made my list, but he had been getting whispers from some pundits due to his performances against Boise State and Central Michigan. After being held to under 80 yards on 20 carries (which included a 15 yard run as time expired in the first half) against Notre Dame, this campaign is most likely finished.

See you all next week

-Chooch

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Even Hall Of Famers Shit Their Pants



Not much of a background story here, other than the fact that this conversation took place during a spring training practice (year unknown) between Hall of Famer George Brett and "Walter #77". Brett goes into great detail about the surprisingly numerous amount of times he's soiled himself. The highlight of this poopie proclamation comes towards the end when George talks about the time he "shit all over himself" at the Bellagio after eating a crab dinner and left his shoes, pants, shirt and everything in a bathroom near the lobby of the hotel.

However this story does have a happy ending, the next morning he woke up and took "the most perfect double tapered shit of (his) life".
 

-fresh (@danye33)

[via]

Great Moments In Unfriended History, Vol. 4


/throws up on self

All kidding aside I would rather contract an incurable STD than be tagged in a status like this.

-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Week 3 Waiver Wire Pickups


For the best waiver wire advice the internet has to offer, check out my "Win Week 3" column over at TDdaily.com.

-fresh (@danye33)

Fantasy Player That Makes Me Want To Jump Off A Cliff (Week 2 Edition)- Larry Fitzgerald


Larry Fitzgerald, WR Cardinals- Week 2 Stats: 1 catch, 4 yards

As the hour of my first 2012 Fantasy Draft approached I basked in the unexpected glory of my dinosaur pc, humming along at blistering speeds. A plethora of tabs opened to a myriad of fantasy news, notes and strategy lay at my disposal, with the draft lobby running without incident. I and some fellow league members stepped outside in the waning moments before the draft in an attempt to clear our minds before crunch time. Upon returning to the war room I noticed a most disheartening development. My out-of-date, obsolete laptop had frozen. It was as if I were Mike Tannebaum and had decided to take a nap as soon as the Jets were on the clock. This unfortunate event led to Larry Fitzgerald automatically being drafted to my team, and I have been somber ever since. Through the first two weeks Fitzy has 5 catches for a measly 67 yards and no touchdowns. One of the most physically gifted WR in the NFL is trapped on a team that can't decide whether to start Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dumb at quarterback. I hope for Larry's sake, as well as mine, that he can get his season going. My team certainly needs him to. In the meantime I'll sit back and admire Larry's overwhelming fall from grace.

-Cambo

Got a fantasy player that makes you want to jump off a cliff? Share your woes with the Weave- and e-mail your story to dan.chiavetta@gmail.com

Fantasy Player That Makes Me Want To Jump Off A Cliff (Week 2 Edition)- Dez Bryant



Dez Bryant, WR Cowboys- Week 2 Stats: 3 catches, 17 yards, 2 fumbles

This guy is the WORST. Thanks to his two fumbles (on three catches) Dez finished up week 2 with less fantasy points than he did arrests for domestic disturbances in July! AWESOME. It serves me right for spending one of my two keepers slots on a grown ass man who needs a full time babysitter. I mean it's one thing to root for a player with severe character issues. It's another thing to root for someone with said issues AND who plays for the Cowboys. But it becomes entirely unacceptable to be invested in a player like that once they stop producing for your team. It's indefensible and downright infuriating. So with that being said, Dez Bryant, you make me want to jump off a cliff. I hope you stub your toe at the most inopportune time.

Got a fantasy player that makes you want to jump off a cliff? Share your woes with the Weave- and e-mail your story to dan.chiavetta@gmail.com

-fresh (@danye33)

Fatass Claims He's Too Fat To Get The Death Penalty


(fox newsA condemned Ohio inmate who weighs at least 480 pounds wants his upcoming execution delayed, saying his weight could lead to a "torturous and lingering death." Ronald Post, who shot and killed a hotel clerk in northern Ohio almost 30 years ago, said his weight, vein access, scar tissue and other medical problems raise the likelihood his executioners would encounter severe problems. He's also so big that the execution gurney might not hold him. Post's request for gastric bypass surgery has been denied, he's been encouraged not to walk because he's at risk for falling, and severe depression has contributed to his inability to limit how much he eats, his filing said. While at the Mansfield Correctional Institution, Post "used that prison's exercise bike until it broke under his weight".

Ahhh the old "I'm too fat to get a lethal injection even though I've already been on death row for 30 years" excuse. Classic. Seen millions of cases like this at law school. Brief legal overview for everyone- he's claiming because he's too fat his execution will be painful and like torture which violates the "no cruel and unusual punishment" of some amendment (sorry folks constitutional law was last semester).

In my semi-professional opinion it has got to be deliberate. Must have been planning it for years. Like what have you been doing in your rec time bro? And there's no way the spam and schlop they serve for food could cause you to get fat. I mean honestly when you're "at least" 480 lbs how do you even get into your cell? Who are you the Big Show? Probably gotta crane this guy in like they do the really fat people on Maury. No shit you're gonna have trouble finding a vein in all that fat. Probably got a better chance of finding DB Cooper in there than you do a vein. 

Can't fault this guys execution though (pun intended). Just pile on so many pounds that you have a legitimate gripe against the State of Ohio so they can't execute you. Can't even give the guy the chair because he can't fit in it. Looks like death by firing squad it is!

P.S. "at least 480 lbs" is probably the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever printed. Pretty much got to 480 and could tell it was really more but just decided there was no use expending more taxpayer dollars to bring in a new prison scale to get the true weight, not even for a death penalty case. Just cap it at 480 and call it a day. 

-Bacon

Monday, September 17, 2012

Top 5 Football Plays of the Weekend


Golden Tate De-Cleats Stan Lee



Jawon Jamison Hits The Circle Button For Rutgets



Nikki Johnson Trucks Defender/Has An Amazing Ass



Eric Wright Picks Off Eli, Takes It To The House



Mike Wallace Somehow Stays In Bounds 



-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, September 14, 2012

New DMB Taking You Into The Weekend



Eventually I'm going to give "Mercy" it's due diligence and feature it in a Music Videos That Don't Suck post, but for now I've got to give some love to "If Only", my favorite song from DMB's new album Away From The World. It's pretty much just a beautiful love song about wanting that special someone back. Dave's not reinventing the wheel here or anything like that, just making great music about a relatable topic. Enjoy and have a safe weekend!

Oh yeah... Sometimes it's so easy 
And sometimes I forget her 
But I want you back again 
Back again 

Maybe it's a game
You win some and you lose some 
Oh, when you've found a good one 
Don't you let her get away 
Don't let her go 

Oh yeah... If only I could love you 
Just the way I want to 
Oh, to have you back again 
Back again 

Oh, I'm just a fool baby 
Playing Mr. Cool baby 
Rolling round like I got nothing much to lose 
But I know you and you know me 
And I know you can see 
So help me get my way back to you 
Back to you 


-fresh (@danye33)

Toss Up! Which Tattoo Sucks More- Ri Ri or Breezy?


Chris Brown and Rihanna have a long history together, full of ups and downs, and black and blues, so it's no surprise to hear that they are possibly/probably back together after finding love in a hopeless place (the VMA's). But what is surprising is the less than flattering and highly questionable tattoos each of them recently had done. Let's go to the tape to check out which star got the worse ink.


Brown has long cemented his place on the Mount Rushmore of Douchebags, but this latest effort ensures his lifetime membership to the club. His new neck tat is said to be a "sugar skull", honoring the Mexican holiday "the day of the dead". Only it eerily resembles the police photo of Rihanna's face after a 19 year old Breezy beat her to a pulp on their way home from the Grammy's. Now I do believe that this is just an extremely unfortunate coincidence, and that he didn't deliberately get her mashed up mug forever painted on his body (the tattoo artist has even gone as far as to speak up in Chris' defense), but still, the similarities are wayyy too close for comfort. Definitely not a good look.


Now Rihanna, on the other hand, recently got a tattoo of the Goddess Isis on her chest in honor of her late grandma. She then tweeted the picture out to her more than 25 million followers. Now I know it's not my place to pass judgement on anyone's self expression, especially when it comes to deceased relatives, so as far as the tattoo itself goes, I'm going to refrain from comment. HOWEVAH- I would like to say that I'm not down with big tattoos on chicks, especially when said ink takes away from whatever natural beauty is resting just inches to the north. We're talking about one of the most beautiful girls on the planet, just leave your body alone will ya?!

With that being said, Chris Brown is the clear winner of this edition of 2MW Toss Up!. Intentions aside, that face is flat out frightening. And to add insult to injury, he then went and got this tattoo of a fighter pilot in the exact same place as Rihanna's aforementioned tribute.


Let's just hope he got this one done in Rochester, New York.

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Week 2 NFL Picks

goonies 15 Awesome and Funny Movie Gifs

After a frustrating week 1 that saw us go a combined 34-46, the gang hopes for a strong bounce back performance this time around. On the bright side, at least our lock of the week hit! In week 2 errbody in the club is picking the Texans to lay the smack down against their division rival Jaguars in Jacksonville. We also all agreed on Oakland, Dallas and RGIII all giving a field goal or less on the road.

In other housekeeping news- the participant formally known as "the geez", but most recently referred to as "Peter", has once again elected to change his name, this time to "Muggsy". The guy has got more aliases than Jason Bourne. 

Anyways, tonight we've scheduled for Muggsy to get his highly anticipated marinara bath over with before heading to the bar to watch the Bears play the Packers. In case you don't remember, the Geez finished up as the Mush in last season's inaugural Pick 'Em Contest, and this is his "reward". A video of tonight's events will be posted ASAP. 

This year we've also decided to change things up a bit, with the winner getting an undisclosed chunk of change, along with the (biggest) loser taking the rest of the guys out for a steak dinner (capped at $100), so unlike last year, there's more at stake this time than some red sauce. 

2MW lock of the week- Oakland -2 in Miami 

The King's Throne 

Flem (9-7) G.B. -6, T.B. +7.5, N.E. -13.5, Ind +1.5, N.O. -2.5, K.C. +3, Philly -2.5, Oak -2, Cin -7, Hou -7.5, Dal -3, Wash -3, NYJ +6, S.D. -7, Det +6.5, Atl -3

Watch The Throne

Chooch (8-8) G.B. -6, NYG -7.5, N.E. -13.5, Ind +1.5, Car +2.5, Buff -3, Bal +2.5, Oak -2, Cin -7, Hou -7.5, Dal -3, Wash -3, Pitt -6, S.D. -7, S.F. -6.5, Den +3

Danye (6-10) Chi +6, T.B. +7.5, N.E. -13.5, Min -1.5, N.O. -2.5, K.C. +3, Bal +2.5, Oak -2, Cin -7, Hou -7.5, Dal -3, Wash -3, NYJ +6, S.D. -7, S.F. -6.5, Den +3

Gary (6-10) Chi +6, NYG -7.5, N.E. -13.5, Ind +1.5, N.O. -2.5, K.C. +3, Bal +2.5, Oak -2,  Cle +7, Hou -7.5, Dal -3, Wash -3, NYJ +6, Ten +7, S.F. -6.5, Atl -3

The Mush

Mugsy (5-11)  G.B. -6, NYG -7.5, N.E. -13.5,  Ind +1.5 , N.O. -2.5, Buff -3, Philly -2.5, Oak -2, Cin -7, Hou -7.5, Dal -3, Wash -3, NYJ +6, S.D. -7, S.F. -6.5, Den +3

YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Pauley Shore talking to a seal 


-fresh (@danye33)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I Want To Play Connect 4 Basketball So Bad It Hurts



Million dollar idea right here. There's absolutely no reason why this set up shouldn't be in every high school gym across the country. It's knockout for the next generation. It takes the most fun sport to play and combines it with one of the best board games of all time. If I don't play someone in B-ball-C4 soon then my life will officially have no meaning.

-fresh (@danye33)

[via]

Great Moments In Unfriended History, Vol. 3


I'll take "Hygienic Vaginal Advice I Didn't Ask For" for $400, Alex.

-fresh (@danye33)

The Pros and Cons of "Going Greek"

This post was composed as part of "College Week" over at TWSS

Each September I can't help but get envious of all the naive eighteen year olds who get to head off for their first semester away from mom and dad. What makes the experience of being a freshman so unique is that you will a) never again have the opportunity to live that reckless with such minimal accountability and b) never again will you be as dumb as you were at age 18. So with that being said, I've compiled a list for the incoming class of 2016 (*shoots self in face*) of things to consider when debating whether or not to "go Greek".

Pros

It makes getting laid easier

Look, it's not like you just join a frat or sorority and members of the opposite sex start gathering in line to fellate you on the quad. You still need to be either marginally attractive or have a good personality. But what the frat or sorority will do for you is open up doors you may otherwise have never gotten the chance to open. Lots of times these groups have mixers/socials with (insert team/greek organization here) which serve as private parties that'll grant you access to people you may otherwise have never gotten the chance to meet (bonus points for having copious amounts of grain alcohol at your disposal to act as a social lubricant!). Then it's up to you to initiate the conversation (hey, wanna be my partner in pong?) and convince them that sleeping with you is a good idea. Like I said, going greek merely gets you in the game, it's up to you to make it happen.

Mixers

Think back to your favorite high school woods party. Got one in mind? Good. Now switch out the girls in your grade with roughly 50 (number of attendees will vary depending on the size of your school) developed young woman, dressed in minimal attire (i.e. slutty school girl), drunk off their asses and dancing on tabletops. That's what you can look forward to EVERY...SINGLE...WEEKEND. The mixer is the holy grail of the college campus. The mecca of the make out. Halloween every Thursday night. It's like shooting intoxicated fish in a barrel. If you do decide to go greek, there's a 95% chance that your decision was made after attending one of these parties. This is also where the majority of your tagged Facebook pictures will come from.

Memories

A frat or sorority house is pretty much just a gigantic, no holds bar, home base for all the debauchery and madness an early twenty-something could dream of. The parties will be legendary, the after hours will be a blur and the times spent just shooting the shit will be the moments you miss most when it is all said and done. There's nothing like quality time with good friends, and being part of a close knit group of people whose company you enjoy is exactly what college was made for.

Cons

Pledging

For starters, you're essentially paying money for a group of strangers to demoralize you. Once again, the extent to which you are abused depends entirely upon what school you go to, along with what frat/sorority you choose. This can range from something innocent and annoying like middle of the night call outs, embarrassing yourself in front of members of the opposite sex or getting doused in month old foods, to full fledged assault and battery. Results will vary, but at the core of it all your mental (and most times physical) well-being will be compromised for an upperclassmen's enjoyment.

You're forced to hang out with (some) people you don't like

This one goes both ways because often times members of your frat/sorority will end up being some of your best friends for the rest of your life. But the fact remains there is simply no way you're going to get along with everyone. It's the law of numbers. Anytime that many people from different backgrounds are brought together there's going to be douchebags and there's going to be people who rub you the wrong way. The size of your frat/sorority will have a direct correlation with how much interaction you're forced to have with the people you don't like. In layman's terms- big group, easy to avoid. Small group, you're stuck hanging out and partying with people you otherwise wouldn't give the time of day.

Not to mention the inevitable power struggle and fight for social hierarchy that is sure to ensue on a yearly basis.

Those letters you're wearing might as well be a Mike Tyson-esq. face tattoo

What I mean by that is by choosing to affiliate yourself with a group, people who don't know you will have a predetermined opinion of you based on the reputation of your organization. This could be both a good thing (she's in the hot sorority!) or a bad thing (he's a date rapist!). Other members of the greek community will either love you or hate you, but the truth of that matter is that you will have done nothing to earn either of those emotions. In some cases, this even leads to completely unwanted physical altercations (I don't know you and you don't know me, but your bro banged my buddies ex last Friday and now we must fight for his honor!).


In conclusion, the decision is yours to make, and ultimately, to live with. My only real advice is to stay true to yourself regardless of which path you choose. Meeting girls without having to do any of the leg work is nice, but then again so is not having to scrub vomit off of a stranger's floor. Never forget the person you were before you pledged and never think you're better than anyone after you've done it. Other than that just sit back and enjoy the ride, cause greek or not, these next four years are going to fly by.

-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Week 2 Waiver Wire Pickups


This season I will be doing some freelance fantasy football writing for TD Daily, a new football website presented by SLAM. Click here to check out my first article where I break down the top waiver wire pickups heading into Week 2 (unless you play in a league with me, in that case, wait until waiver requests go through tonight to read it).

-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, September 10, 2012

Music Videos That Don't Suck Vol. 13



This video is responsible for more boners than Cialis.

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, September 7, 2012

2012 NFL Mega-Preview


Welcome to the 2 Man Weave's second annual NFL Mega-Preview. Below you will you find team by team analysis, playoff and Super Bowl predictions as well as our picks for MVP, COY, ROY and Comeback POY. With the Manning neck drama, draft day trades, pre-season rookie hype and an ungodly amount of holdouts, we're all long overdue for some Sunday Fundays. So grab some beer, pick up your wings, and most importantly, GET READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL.

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AFC East

1. Patriots- The AFC champs are stacked once again with the additions of Brandon Lloyd at WR (just two years removed from leading the league in receiving yards) and rookies Dont'a Hightower and Chandler Jones, who were brought in to improve a unit which finished the year as the sixth worst defense of all time, in terms of yards allowed. They lost Matt Light and the Law Firm on the offensive side of the ball but with Brady under center there's never much to worry about. The Pats should cake walk through this division, and conference, en route to their eighth playoff appearance in nine years.

2. Bills- Team owner Ralph Wilson finally decided to open his wallet for the first time this century, bringing in former #1 overall pick and master of the sack, Mario Williams, to a defense that gave up the third most points in the league a season ago. The Bills also added DE Mark Anderson to round out a much improved front four, to go along with Marcell Darius and Kyle Williams. On the offensive side on the ball, this team will only go as far as Fred Jackson's rehabilitated, 31 year old legs will take them. If Jackson can regain his '11 form which saw him rush for over 100 yards in 60% of his games played, there's no reason why this team can't contend for a wild card spot in the AFC.

3. Jets- The Jets head into this season with a brewing quarterback controversy that will undoubtedly lead to the team crashing and burning by Halloween. This is year four of the Sanchez/Rex era and it's safe to say their best days are long behind them. USC has a more NFL ready receiving corps than this rag tag group of guys, and I wouldn't be surprised if Santonio Holmes beats Mark to a bloody pulp on midfield after getting overthrown for the 300th time. Their best bet is to ground and pound with Tebow and Shonn Green, but even if they do decide to go that route their ceiling will still be 7-9.

4. Dolphins- After getting off to a putrid 0-7 start in '11, the Fins bounced back nicely, finishing up a respectable 6-10. Which is why it was so surprising to see them trade away two of their best players (Marshall and Davis) for future picks and place all their eggs in the Ryan Tannehill basket. They would have been much better off drafting a stud lineman or pass rusher, then bottoming out one more year with Matt Moore, and making a play for Matt Barkley or Logan Thomas in the '13 draft. Also, I was checking out the Nike Town on 5th Ave the other day, which also doubles as the mecca for NFL shopping. Each team had a minimum of two, but in most cases three, jerseys available for purchase of their franchises stars. But not Miami, all they had was Reggie Bush. He was an afterthought in New Orleans, but in Miami he's their entire team. That can't be a good sign.



AFC North

1. Ravens- Baltimore had a +112 point differential in '11, good for fifth best in the league, and was a Billy Cundiff field goal away from sending the AFC title game into overtime. Ray Rice is coming off a monster season that saw him set career highs in rushing yards, rushing TDs, receiving yards and receiving TDs, and you can expect more of the same this time around. The main concerns on this team are some of their star players ages (Ray Lewis is 37 and Ed Reed will be 34 in a week) and the fact that last year's Defensive POY Terrell Suggs could potentially miss the entire season after suffering a torn ACL while allegedly playing basketball in the offseason. Courtney Upshaw will have the near impossible task of replacing him at linebacker.

2. Steelers- After an off-season filled with injuries and holdouts, things are finally starting to look up for the Steel Curtain. Rashard Mendenhall could be back sooner than expected (not sure if that's necessarily a good thing) and Mike Wallace has returned to practice and should be ready to roll week one in Denver. Antonio Brown and Emanuel Sanders do a great job of stretching the field for Big Ben, and the defense didn't lose anyone of note so you can count on another solid outing from them. You can also bank on Troy Palamalu missing serious time with an injury.

3. Bengals- Cincy snuck into the playoffs a season ago despite failing to beat a team with a winning a record, and finishing in the lower third of the league in yards and first downs. Although a year's worth of experience and practice should go a long way in helping the development of quarterback Andy Dalton, a return trip to the post season is by no means a guarantee. The Law Firm has never had to carry the ball 250+ times in a season, so his effectiveness as a work horse remains to be seen. Plus, playing against the Steelers and Ravens four times a year is no easy task.

4. Browns- Anytime you head into a season with a rookie quarterback who hit his physical peak two years ago and a rookie running back coming off a preseason knee surgery you can't feel too confident about your chances of winning. Add that to the fact that, well, they're the Browns, and you can pretty much pencil them in for another 4-12 season (if they're lucky). The three other teams in this division all made the playoffs last year and the reason that happened was because they were all able to beat up on Cleveland twice. This is a team that traded their first, fourth, fifth and seventh round picks to move up one spot for a chance to draft Trent Richardson, someone who plays running back, one of the more dispensable positions in football. For example, Arian Foster went undrafted a few seasons ago. There was no need to make this trade, especially because the Vikings were the ones on the clock. If someone else (possibly Tampa) was willing to overpay for the pick, they should have let them! There's a reason the Browns were able to land Richardson, and it's because every other team in the league was smart enough to NOT make that trade.

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AFC South

1. Texans- With the other three teams in this division all starting either second year or rookie quarterbacks, there's no reason why Houston shouldn't start their own mini AFC South dynasty like the one Indy enjoyed with Peyton. The Texans lost DeMeco Ryans, Mario Williams and Jason Allen on the defensive side of the ball, but their star studded offense and weak division should be enough to reach 11 wins. Houston finished second in the league in rushing a year ago, but with a healthy Arian Foster from the get go, look for them to reclaim their spot at the top of the rushing throne this season.

2. Titans- Kenny Britt's rather generous one game suspension from the ginger hammer means we'll be seeing one of the ten best receivers back on the field sooner than later, but none of that will matter unless CJ2K can prove that last year's poor outing was a fluke and not a sign of what's to come. Tennessee let Cortland Finnegan walk this summer, which is a shame because watching Andre Johnson and him get in dick swinging contests was one of the few enjoyable moments this division provided us with the past few seasons.

3. Colts- If Andrew Luck ends up being half as good as he's being hyped up to be then tanking away the entire '11 season may have been the best decision any team has ever made. The good news for the Colts is that after winning just two games last year, they have nowhere to go but up. The bad news is they will be relying heavily on Reggie Wayne, who may or may not need a walker, Austin Collie who Drew Magary said is a missed high five away from donating his brain to science, and Donald Brown, who has never carried the ball more than 135 times in a season despite having minimal competition. Look for Luck to put up inflated, come from behind numbers, and make the Pro Bowl team as an alternate after Manning gets hurt and Brady preps for the Super Bowl.

4. Jaguars- The Shaguar's somehow managed to win five games last season, despite only throwing 12 touchdown passes. They drastically upgraded their receiving corp this off season, drafting habitual drunk driver, Justin Blackmon, and signing (possible) one year wonder Laurent Robinson away from Dallas. But all of this means nothing because at the end of the day, Yo Gabbert Gabbert will still be the one calling, and failing to execute, the plays. MJD's laughable holdout proved for nought, and he will return to the field in a limited role come week one. Shad Khan's refusal to give in to his star running back's request may be the only win this franchise sees all season. 



AFC West

1. Broncos- Every team in this division finished 8-8 last year, sans the Chiefs (7-9) so it goes without saying that this is the most balanced and competitive of the bunch from top to bottom. What puts the Broncos at the forefront of this western frontier is the debut of four time MVP Peyton Manning in the orange and white. With a capable receiving group led by Demaryius Thomas and Eric Decker, Manning should have no trouble getting his groove back. Look for them to take to the air no less than 35 times per game en route to Peyton's inevitable "Comeback Player of the Year" award victory. 

2. Raiders- This will be DA RAIDAHS first full season since late owner Al Davis passed, and things are finally starting to look up for the bad boys of the bay area. If Run DMC can manage to string sixteen consecutive games together without shattering his fibula this team might actually compete for a wild card spot. I like how these guys have one player whose nickname is DHB, and one player whose been arrested for slipping a girl GHB.

3. Chargers- This team still employs Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers so by default they will continue to define the term mediocrity. After seeing what happened to Michael Turner and Darren Sprolles in their post-Chargers careers, I wouldn't be surprised if Mike Tolbert steals every single one of Cam Newton's goal line carries, finishing up with double digit rushing touchdowns in Carolina. Other than that this team is still extremely injury prone and will undoubtedly lose upwards of four games late in the fourth quarter.

4. Chiefs- K.C. brought in Peyton Hillis to replicate the role Thomas Jones held two seasons ago. Dwayne Bowe ended his holdout so that means a trip back to the fantasy waiver wire for Jon Baldwin.  They were 27th in YPG a year ago, but the return of Jamaal Charles should spark a decent turn around in that department. Random fact about a Chiefs player- safety Eric Berry made the most of his time on the IR by writing two screen plays and penning over 200 poems.



NFC East

1. Giants- The reigning Super Bowl champs are reloaded, but will find themselves in the unfamiliar position of being the hunted, not the hunters, this fall. In Big Blue's two most recent championship seasons they were able to keep a low profile, then turn it on when they needed to in December and January. This year they will be facing the best their opponents have to offer on a weekly basis. If they do falter this season it will be because of the secondary. With Prince Amukamera's inability to tie his shoelaces without missing a game, the decision to let Aaron Ross walk may come back to haunt them.

2. Cowboys- With the emergence of Demarco Murray (5.5 YPC as a rook), the Cowboys find themselves with a capable back for the first time since Marion the Barbarian in '08, which is a scary thought considering this team has a potent passing game. Kevin Ogletree burst onto the league's radar in Wednesday's win over the Giants, scoring twice to go along with eight catches and 114 yards. A max deal from the Jags is right around the corner! Tony Romo also looked stellar, and if their defense continues to play at a high level this season could end with a trip to the Super Bowl. Or if you're Dez Bryant, jail.

3. Eagles- The Dream Team comparisons may be over, but that doesn't mean we can't laugh about it one more time for old times' sake. Okay, you done? Good. The birds are back and should be much improved despite downgrading Jason Peters for Demetress Bell on the offensive line. DeMeco Ryans is a tackle machine at linebacker, and Nnamdi Asomugha's return to the outside should mean trouble for the likes of Hakeem Nicks, Miles Austin and Victor Cruz. The running game has become their bread and butter, so don't be surprised if Shady McCoy ends up leading the league in that department this season, surpassing the 1,600 yard mark with ease.

4. Redskins- Washington gave up everything and the kitchen sink for a chance to draft Heisman winner Robert Griffin III. He has all the tools to be an elite quarterback at the next level, but trying to escape from guys like JPP, Demarcus Ware and Trent Cole 6x a year may hinder his development. Also, am I the only one who gets pissed off by Mike Shanahan's inability to commit to a single running back? Hightower was supposed to carry the majority of the work load in '11, now he's unemployed. I know he was able to get away with that in Denver, but the capitol ain't the Mile High city. Pick a back and stick with him. It's not fair to us fantasy owners.

Suh stomp gif

NFC North

1. Packers- Green Bay tied Indy's '04 mark for most passing touchdowns in a season with 51, and after bringing everyone back, look for that record to fall again this season. Aaron Rodgers is a straight up marksmen, and with the ultra reliable Jordy Nelson and Greg Jennings hauling in his passes, you can expect to see the Frozen Tundra playing host to multiple playoff games come January.

2. Bears- The Bears were the Texans of the NFC in '11, losing multiple keys pieces along the way on a team that otherwise could have contended for a title. There's not much of a difference between Chicago and Detroit, but defense is what sets them apart. Look for Matt Forte and Michael Bush to thunder and lightning their way to a combined 2,400 yards in the Windy City.

3. Lions- The second greatest show on turf (the Saints still hold this title) made the playoffs for the first time in twelve years, but don't count on a repeat trip just yet. Detroit was the league's 4th worst rushing team and with Mikel Leshoure suspended, Kevin Smith hobbling around and Jahvid Best in a perma-coma, it looks like they may drop to dead last in that department in '12. With all their off the field (and on the field) issues, the Lions are essentially just the mid-2000's Bengals with a better passing game. Also, the Madden curse is real and there's no way Calvin makes it through this season unscathed.

4. Vikings- FREE JOE WEBB! FREE JOE WEBB! FREE JOE WEBB!

I know they drafted Ponder a solid round higher than he should have gone, but for the love of all things football why hasn't Joe Webb gotten a shot to at least compete for this starting gig? Let's face it- this team isn't going anywhere. At the very least they could be exciting with Webb under center. From the small sample size of snaps we saw him take in '10 it was evident that he poses a duel pass-run threat most quarterbacks lack. Oh yeah, AP/AD's rushing yards have decreased four seasons in a row, plus he's coming off both ACL and MCL surgeries, so uh, good luck with that.



NFC South

1. Falcons- Atlanta had the fourth best offense last year, averaging more than 25 point per game. However, it was their defense, and ungodly fourth down play calling, which ultimately led to their premature demise. This time around they've added Lofa Tatupu, Asante Samuel and Chris Hope in an effort to slow down the rest of the division's high flying offenses. Honestly, the Falcons and Saints are pretty much the exact same team, but due to the karma of Bountygate, the Falcs get the nod for the top spot in the South.

2- Saints- With head coach Sean Payton suspended for the entire year, this team is sure to suffer some mishaps, especially in the early goings. Which is why it's a good thing for N'awleans that Drew Brees is essentially an extension of the coach on the field, and could complete a forty yard fade route to Jimmy Graham in the dark. Look for the Saints to put up their usual out of this world numbers on offense and finish up with a double digit win total and wild card berth.

3- Panthers- "CAM GOES HAM" is the reigning rookie of the year's mantra heading into his sophomore campaign. Newton shattered the record for most rushing TD's in a season with 14 and he also led the league in YPC with 5.6 a pop. If Brandon LaFell can break out as a worthy compliment to Steve Smith in the receiving corp, Cam's passing numbers could see an increase as well. The return of Jon Beason and Ron Edwards on the defensive side of the ball should go a long way in helping the conference's third worst unit. Carolina is a year away from contending for a division title, and once they do, they'll never look back.

4. Buccaneers- Tampa was this year's big spenders in the free agent market, splurging for the likes of Vincent Jackson, Carl Nicks, Eric Wright and the decaying corpse of Dallas Clark. First year Coach Greg Schiano inherits a team that quite literally rolled over and died on last year's coach Raheem Morris, but if he can earn the respect of the locker room early there's no reason why this team can't play .500 ball. Also, Doug Martin's great hands and quick feet will provide a unique versatility to both their rushing and passing attacks, something Lagarrette Blount failed to do a season ago.

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NFC West

1. 49ers- Last year I picked San Fran to finish last in this division. Needless to say, I won't be making that same mistake again. Harbaugh's boys are back and better than ever with a defense foaming at the mouth to feast on their division's horrific group of inexperienced quarterbacks. If they lose any of their six match-ups to Sam Bradford, Russell Wilson or Joshvin Skolb it will be an utter disgrace. Alex Smith is the only thing holding this team back from a Super Bowl victory, and if his teammates play the way they're capable of, even Smith's incompetence won't be enough to derail this potential juggernaut.

2. Seahawks- SKITTLES! And Russell Wilson! All of a sudden the 'Hawks are relevant again, and the buzz surrounding Pete Carroll's team is everywhere. Wilson wooed fans in the preseason with both his feet and arm strength, and single handedly sent Matt Flynn's ass back to the bench. Their defense has become the "sexy" fantasy unit of choice this season and if they can limit turnovers there's no reason why Seattle shouldn't be able to turn the NFC West into a two team horse race.

3. Rams- The Rams traded down twice on draft day (RGIII/Morris Claiborne picks) and although I'm sure their fans would have rather gone with the big name talent, stock piling picks is the best way for this team to drag their asses out of the cellar. Sam Bradford threw 6 TD's in 10 games last year and Steven Jackson was on his last legs three seasons ago. Hopefully Jeff Fisher will manage to turn this teams losing culture around eventually, but for now the present looks bleak.  At least Isaiah Pead has been able to provide fantasy owners with witty team name puns. It's sad, but that's about all the Rams have got going for them.

4. Cardinals- It's hard to not feel bad for Larry Fitzgerald. Regardless of who wins the quarterback battle between Josh Skelton and Kevin Kolb (a 2nd rd pick AND Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie #LOL), we, the fans, will all walk away as the losers. Arizona should start a "Blow for Barkley" campaign, and shelf Patrick Peterson and Fitty in hopes of landing the first pick in the '13 draft. I would have included Ryan Williams and Beanie Wells on my list of players they should shut down, but I'm 100% positive they'll injure themselves by week 4 anyway.


Wild Cards- Bills, Steelers, Cowboys, Saints 

Super Bowl- Pats over Niners, 31-13

MVP- Tom Brady

ROY- Andrew Luck

Coach of the Year- Jim Harbough

Comeback Player of the Year- Peyton Manning


-fresh (@danye33)

Dan Chiavetta is the Editor in Chief of the 2 Man Weave