Thursday, January 31, 2013

#tbt- Riskay "Smell Yo Dick"

Like clockwork, each Thursday afternoon Instagram users are taken on a mobile trip down memory lane, courtesy of the incredibly popular hashtag #tbt. Now, I'm one of the biggest abusers of this, so it was only natural that I extend this trend over to the blog. And since this series in still in the fetal stages of development, it's going to be a trial and error process of what types of videos, pictures and stories get posted.

But as you can tell from the above video, Riskay's '08 ballad to a cheating lover, nothing is off limits.

So be sure you keep your eyes peeled for some memories from simpler times each Thursday on the Weave. You never know what's going to pop up.

-fresh (@danye33)

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Randall "Pink" Floyd Shit His Pants In The Back Of A Cop Car

Jason London may have had too much pride to sign coach Conrad's pledge sheet back in the summer of '76, but according to TMZ, he had no problem shitting in the back seat of a cop car Saturday night in Scottsdale, Arizona. The 40 year old actor best known for his role as quarterback Randall "Pink" Floyd in the cult classic Dazed and Confused allegedly became involved in a physical altercation with a bouncer after he refused to apologize for sneezing on him while he walked by. Police were called to the scene, and that's when things got, for lack of a better term, messy.

On his way to the police station ... Jason uttered a homophobic slur to the cops ... saying, "Guess what fa**ot?  I f***ing love this.  I f***ing own you guys so hard.  I'm rich and I'm a motherf***ing famous actor!  F***ing look me up, bitch."
Jason continued ... "It smells like s**t in your car and your breath smells like diarrhea."  According to the police report, Jason then leaned to the left and crapped in his pants.  Jason then said, "I told you I'm happy as s**t."
It remains unclear whether or not London was released in time to go buy Aerosmith tickets.

-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dan And Miggs Save The Pro Bowl

Upset with the lack of interest and competition in this year's NFL Pro Bowl, 2 Man Weaver's Dan Chiavetta and Nick "Miggs" Migliorino took to gmail to vent their frustration, and come up with a remedy to save the most meaningless All Star Game in professional sports. These are their stories...

/makes Law & Order intro noise

Dan: I find it somewhat shocking that the sport that is by far the most popular and enjoyable to watch, football, has the least entertaining and meaningful All-Star game. If you were Roger Goodell, how would you go about saving the Pro Bowl?

Miggs:  The Pro Bowl is just an excuse for these guys to head to Hawaii and collect an extra pay check. At some point it stopped representing that you were among the best players in the most popular sport in America. So just like a Mickey Mouse Club member from the nineties, it's time to reinvent the Pro Bowl and sex it up a little bit.

First things first, it has to be recognized that this event is not worthy of a prime time television slot, at least not yet. Miraculously it still gets good ratings, but it’s the style of play that is dooming it. So my first suggestion would be to move it off of a basic cable channel to either ESPN or the NFL network. It would cost advertisers less money by moving it from a prime location and lowers the expectations that this is going to be a serious, prime time worthy, football game.

If you were a TV executive with a chance to acquire the Pro Bowl  for your network, what would you say about this suggestion and what stipulation would you add to make the whole event better?

Dan: I think that before we get into the issue of who broadcasts the game, we need to pinpoint some of the problems with the product itself and how we can fix that.

We already know that football is the most grueling, dangerous sport, and by the time the season wraps up a lot of these guys are left with some serious, or at the very least, nagging injuries to deal with. So the question becomes what is the incentive to risk bodily harm one last time with close to nothing at stake?

As it stands right now I believe that players on the winning team get $45,000 and players on the losing team earn $22,500. Sure, that’s a lot of money to the average working man, but for the cream of the crop, this is substantially less money than an average game check would run them.

I think the Pro Bowl needs to evolve into some sort of risk-free competition that players would look forward to participating in and give it 110%. Don’t want any additional concussions? Make it a 7 on 7 flag game with no linemen. Or you could scrap the “game” altogether and kick it NBA All-Star weekend style with a series of events catered to players of each skill set.

If you were to come up with some kind of an NFL skills competition to replace the Pro Bowl, what events would you include?

Miggs: I agree completely, Its already basically a glorified flag football game, so why not just let the natural progression take place? Linemen get to play too and can go out for passes. I've always had a sweet spot for seeing the big fellas catch a TD pass. Make it a minimum contact game, and maybe add some other incentive too, like if you win you get to go on a date with Manti Te’O's girlfriend? Or something a little more likely like the winners get to spend an extra week on Hawaii for free and they can bring their families on the NFL's dime.

The skills competition is a good idea but it's a lot easier to pull off in the NBA. Dunking a basketball is just more exciting than seeing a field goal kicker hit targets. So my idea is to make some out of bounds competitions, like linemen tug of war, or a 40 yard dash to determine the fastest man in the NFL. We could do a 5 on 5 dodge ball tourney, or even a game show like Are You Smarter Than An NFL QB?, where fans who won a competition or sweepstakes get to test the NFL players' knowledge somehow. I think we can both agree that a good All-Star experience demands more than just a regular game.

So since we agree that the game should just be called what it is, a flag football game, what's your feelings on the idea of mixing talent from both conferences? This country is continuing its trend to fantasy sports fascination, hell, even my parents are asking to play. So I'm in favor of adopting the NHL All Star game practice of teams being drafted by fan selected captains. Fans select a group of captains from each conference, as well as the player pool for the draft. But after that its up to the group of captains to select what they think is going to be the best team to win a 7 on 7 "fantasy" football game. This not only adds another couple hours of television by showing the draft, but it also gives an incentive for players to perform better. If you think you’re a stud WR and you don’t get picked till the last round of a 7 on 7 tourney, then you're going to give it your all to prove to your peers that you're better than the last pick in the draft.

What other whacky ideas for competition would you add and do you think a player draft would be a bankable idea to help the fix?

Dan: That idea of players drafting teams would last about five minutes before Ray Lewis stabs Peyton Manning for not choosing him as his MLB. I like the 7 on 7 concept, but to take it one step further why not make it a tournament? Each of the eight divisions field a team on offense and defense- Center, QB, RB, TE, 3 WRs vs 4 DBs, 2 LBs and a D linemen, and then play it out bracket style to crown a champion? Off the top of my head I would have to pick the NFC North as heavy favorites with Rodgers, Marshall, Harvin, Megatron, AP, Kyle Rudolph and Jeff Saturday. It would also be funny because the AFC East team would literally just be the Patriots versus all.

We could play first team to score 5 touchdowns wins, and do all three rounds, 7 games, on Sunday and broadcast it live on the NFL Network or ESPN 2. You can’t tell me that getting drunk and watching this for five straight hours wouldn't make for an awesome Sunday.

Then on Saturday you could have your skills competitions- 100 yard dash to crown the fastest man in the league, bench press competition and QB accuracy drills like the ones those random highschool bro’s are always competing at on ESPN6 at 3 in the morning. While we’re at it, why don’t we have an NFL Dunk contest? We could use the goal posts as a hoop, or set one up on the 50 yard line. And to wrap up the day’s festivities we could even conduct live paternity tests- Maury stlye! 

See, family fun for everyone!

Miggs: "ANTONIO CROMARTIE..... YOU ARE THE FATHER…TO EVERY SINGLE CHILD…how do you have the time to play sports professionally?"

As for that obvious dig at the Jets, NICK MANGOLD WILL 100% BE THE AFC EAST CENTER. HA! And he will get to score a TD. I like the tourney idea, but I would like to add one celebrity team, along with celebrity cheerleaders, Kate Upton, Ocho Cinco, Paula Abdul and Psy.

I'd still like to fit fantasy sports in somehow because I believe whole this faux football festival that we're concocting will garnish the fantasy football audience. Who buys Madden and doesn't eventually draft a fantasy team? I want to see some confrontation about who is picked. Maybe each division gets a captain and they get to pick from a pool of players? Or if you want to piss off one player on each team really badly each team can make one trade for a player in a different division?

One competition I feel stupid for leaving out would obviously be some sort of eating competition. Tell me you wouldn't pay to see future New York Jet Jamarcus "PURPLE DRANK" Russell officially eat himself into a starting defensive line gig? When he eats you can see his jersey number change from 2 to 92 in real time. Also, there would be some serious munching going on for whoever got sponsored by Jerome Simpson. (Ed Note: Not sure if this was a weed reference, or a misspelled Jessica Simpson reference. Either way, it works). I would also allow the players to gamble on competitions on the sideline, like an underground fight club.

Realistically though in your eyes what happens to the Pro Bowl? Do they adapt it to something like this or do they just scrap it all together?

Dan: I’d like to respond to your “who buys Madden and doesn't eventually draft a fantasy team” by saying EVERYONE WHO BOUGHT MADDEN 13!! They completely eliminated the fantasy draft from this years game. It was unforgivable.

I can sense that you’re a big fan of letting the players pick the squads, but I think that would lead to more drama than is necessary. This is a man’s sport, and unlike the NBA, these guys aren't all "buddy-buddy" off the field. Gotta let the fans vote to ensure the best players get a chance to play.

As you know, I'm all for any eating competitions in all facets of life. We could get Adam Richman to host it and have a wing off, along with an appetizer, dessert and MEAT challenge.

Encouraging players to gamble on the sidelines would lead to multiple stabbings and fisticuffs due to unpaid loses, so I think it’s best if we scratch that idea altogether.

But realistically what I think is going to happen is that they’ll move the Pro Bowl to whatever city the Super Bowl is in (they need to do something about the horrible attendance and this would solve that problem). The game will probably continue on the way it is now, with little public interest, and the players will collect their checks and half ass it the way they always do. Then they’ll bitch about not getting to go to Hawaii and eventually the game will get moved back to the islands, repeating the same shitty cycle for years to come. 

Miggs: First off let me help out a lot of frustrated Madden fans by giving a little tip on how to conduct a fantasy draft in Madden 13. You have to do an on-line franchise, which doesn't mean anything different besides the fact that you could play other people on-line in your franchise. When you go to start it they'll give you the choice to either "start your franchise" or "start fantasy draft", which they added after a huge uproar of people being like WHAT THE FUCK.

I agree, I think they’re going to try and tinker with it but to no effect.  Its one of those all or nothing things, either scrap the whole game and redo it by following our flawless and well thought out, step by step plan. Or like you said they'll just continue on this path because it does get enough ratings to stay on the air and make their money back. 

But this is to you Mr Goodell- Yes, you could keep this poor charade of a game on this same path and keep doing the same thing each year because you know the outcome OR you could be innovative and try some of these whacky ideas. I'll tell you one thing, even if it’s a dud it would still give you personally the best PR boost you've had since before the lockout. 

Be a commissioner of the people and start getting a little weird. I think we would all appreciate it in this case.

Dan: I'm pretty sure we just provided enough different ideas to save the Pro Bowl, I just hope someone out there with a say in it will listen...

-fresh (@danye33) / Miggs (@NickMiggs)

Meet Corey And Topanga's Daughter

(Yahoo!Rowan Blanchard will play Cory and Topanga’s offspring in the forthcoming Disney Channel spinoff of Boy Meets World, TVLine has confirmed. broke the news that the 11-year-old, who rose to the top of a national casting search, had nabbed the title role in the much buzzed-about comedy pilot — which the network has officially ordered; production is scheduled to begin in February.

So there you have it, Girls Meets World has got their girl, and it's Rowan Blanchard, of Spy Kids and The Back Up Plan fame. Talk about a nice pull, huh? Could you imagine having Corey and Topanga for parents? Not only are they funny, caring and successful, but they're also painfully oblivious to EVERYTHING! Hell, it took this couple thirteen years of dating to figure out what sex was, they never drank underage and they grew up in a time before social networks were encrypted into every child's DNA. This little whippersnapper is gonna pull the wool over mom and dad's eyes so fast it'll make their heads spin. I give it two years before she's doing the whole Tic-Tacs to cover up the smell of booze trick and three years before she's giving under the blanket HJ's to Shawn's bastard child on family movie night.

Production for Girl Meets World is set to get underway in February.

-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, January 28, 2013

Rick Ross Survives Drive By Shooting In Florida

(Pitchfork) Rick Ross might have gotten a grim reminder of his own mortality on his 37th birthday. NBC Miami reports that in Fort Lauderdale, Florida early this morning, people in a vehicle opened fire on a Rolls Royce. The Rolls Royce then crashed into a building. Names of the victims in the car haven't been released, but witnesses claim Ross was inside. No one was injured.

Update: WSVN reporter Frank Guzman says the Fort Lauderdale police have confirmed that Rick Ross was driving the Rolls Royce under gunfire this morning.

So apparently Rick Ross, the former corrections officer-turned-faux coke dealing rapper, was shot at while driving his Rolls Royce home from breakfast this morning in Fort Lauderdale. And although this is the first time the Teflon Don has technically came under fire, he's no stranger to violent threats. Ross canceled tour dates in North Carolina just last month after a gang called the Gangster Disciples released a series of YouTube videos threatening him for "using our honorable chairman’s name (Larry Hoover) in a disorderly fashion – a dishonest fashion.”

No one in Ross's camp was injured and the gunmen are still at large. But in all seriousness how the fuck do you try to shoot Rick Ross and miss? Dude weighs a cool triple figures EASY and is more than 6' tall. That's a lot of man to miss. 

I for one am glad that Rick is still alive, but whoever pulled the trigger is a horrible shot.   

-fresh (@danye33)

There Was A Front Row Brawl At The Pro Bowl

For starters I must say that the parallels between fan Andre Johnson and real Andre Johnson when it comes to fighting techniques are spot on. Throwing hammer fists like you read about, and the fact that this fight spilled onto the field makes it 100x more ridiculous. Obviously, it's insane that people would get worked up enough to come to blows during a glorified touch football game, but I think the craziest thing about the video is some of these loony Hawaiian's jersey choices. In the above fight video alone we see jersey appearances by Andre Johnson, Joey Porter, Tim Tebow, Aaron Brooks, Julius Peppers, Marcel Reece, Hines Ward, Maurkice Pouncey, Brett Favre, Dan Marino, Ocho Cinco, Matt Ryan and Joe Montana. It's like a barren wasteland of obscurity.

P.S. I'm genuinely surprised the dude in the Tebow jersey didn't jump in the middle and try to play peacemaker. Would have bet the house on it.

[via Barstool Sports]

-fresh (@danye33)

Weave Gotcha Covered- Irish Boys Rob and Harrison "We Found Love"

Much like its predecessors Music Videos That Don't Suck and Awesome 90's Songs You May Have ForgottenWeave Gotcha Covered is a (fairly) new music feature we've been putting out from time to time to shine some light on our favorite musical covers. This installment features two young Irish lads covering Rhianna's 2011 hit "We Found Love". Rob (in red) is only 11 and Harrison (on guitar) is 16. Now I know I'm about three months late to the party on this cover, but I heard it for the first time late Friday night and I've been absolutely hooked ever since. I think the fact that Rob looks so shy and timid up there as he nervously stares at the ground while singing only adds to a magic of this performance, and their original rap verse gives the song an additional layer of versatility. 

Here's a video of the duo performing on The Late Late Show. 

h/t to Britt for the video

-fresh (@danye33)

Weekend Hoops Recap (1/28/13)

Gone- for the season is Celtics' point guard Rajon Rondo. The seven year vet tore his ACL in a loss to the Hawks Friday night. Rondo tried to play through the pain, but after showing up for warm-ups on Sunday was scratched from the line up and shuttled to New England Baptist Hospital where an MRI revealed the tear. Rondo is currently first in the league in assists per game, averaging 11.1 to go along with his 13.7 points and 5.6 rebounds, and was slated to start for the Eastern Conference All-Star team February 17th in Houston. Kyrie Irving should get the start in his absence, and look Rajon's roster spot to go to Nets point guard Deron Williams.

Boston hopes their star player will be ready to go at the start of next year's season.

He's Heating Up- Carmelo Anthony went old school NBA Jam on the Atlanta Hawks last night at the Garden, tying a team record by hitting nine three pointers (on 12 attempts) in the Knicks 106-104 win. Melo finished up the night with 42 points, including a go-ahead three point play with just 12 seconds remaining. Amare Stoudemire added 18 points and grabbed a game high 8 rebounds in 29 minutes of play off the bench.

Atlanta's fate was sealed when All-Star snub Josh Smith made a handful of blunders in the games final minute, including a backcourt violation, offensive foul (moving screen with 22 seconds left), letting Melo get to the rim (and fouling him to give up the lead) as well as bricking a wide open, would-be game winning three as time expired.

Upset City- Villanova's men's hoops team capped off an incredible week that saw them upset then #5 ranked Louisville 73-64 on Tuesday, by beating the #3 ranked Syracuse Orange, 75-71 on Saturday. Freshman guard Ryan Arcidiacono overcame a 3-12 shooting day by sinking a game tying three with just 2.2 seconds remaining to send the game into the extra frame. With the wins Villanova became the first unranked team to upset two top five teams in the same week since Ball State accomplished the same feat in 2001. But despite the big victories, the Wildcats (13-7, 4-3 Big East) remain unranked this week.

Hollow Man- #11 ranked Simeon High School (Chicago) upset the #4 team in the country, Whitney Young (Chicago), 44-41 Saturday night at Chicago State University. The game featured the top two teams in the state of Illinois, and was broadcast live on ESPNU. Simeon star Jabari Parker, the #2 ranked player in the class of '13 and Duke commit, melted in the national spotlight, and was held to just seven points. He also had a chance to put the game away with less than 20 seconds remaining, but instead of laying the ball in he went for a dunk with a three point lead and bricked it miserably, allowing Whitney Young one last chance to tie things up. Luckily for the Wolverines, the failed jam didn't come back to haunt them, as they held on for the three point win.

Junior L.J. Peak finished with a game high 20 points in the Dolphin's loss.

Second Base- Glen Davis and Aaron Gray took a break from banging down low for a quick make out sesh during the Raptors 97-95 win over the Magic on Thursday. It's remains unclear whether this was a sign of affection, or if Big Baby just missed dinner.

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, January 25, 2013

The Top 5 Super Bowl Halftime Shows Of All Time

Over the course of the Super Bowl’s now 47 year existence the game has evolved into somewhat of a national holiday. It’s the most watched television event of the year, a time where both football fans and families alike can come together to celebrate the crowning of a new world champion.

What makes the Super Bowl so unique is the fact that even if you know nothing about football, and have no rooting interest whatsoever, chances are you’re still going to tune into the game for two reasons- 1) so you can maintain a conversation at the water cooler the next day and 2) the halftime show.

Last year 114 million Americans checked in to see Madonna rock the stage at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indy, roughly three million more viewers than the actual game itself. The stars always keep us guessing during these performances, and you never know when the next guest appearance, middle finger or nipple slip is going to come. The one thing you do know is that it’s sure to be memorable.

Beyonce is set to headline this year’s halftime show in New Orleans, and you better believe she’s going to be bringing the fire. After her now infamous lip-sync scandal at the inauguration she’s going to be gunning for some redemption. At some point in the night Bey will be joined on stage by her former Destiny’s Child bandmates Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams, marking the group’s first performance together since 2006.

Please join the 2 Man Weave on a trip down memory lane, as we take a look back at the five best halftime shows of all time, to get us ready for next week’s big game.

5. Black Eyed Peas, Usher, Slash- Super Bowl XLV, 2011 

Even though Fergie Ferg and have gone the independent route in recent years, there was a time not too long ago when this group was on top of the music world. The Peas’ popularity culminated with a headlining gig at the Super Bowl XLV halftime show at Cowboys Stadium, where they rocked the stage in front of more than 103,000 people. The set featured guest appearances by Slash from Guns N’ Roses, who accompanied Fergie on Sweet Child O’ Mine, and Usher, who tore up the dance floor with during OMG.

The highlight of the set came during the B.E.P.’s special Super Bowl edition of their 2003 hit Where Is the Love, where the group switched up their lyrics to send a message to Obama to “get these kids educated”.

4. *N SYNC, Aerosmith, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige, Nelly- Super Bowl XXXV, 2001

In terms of talent, popularity and diversity, Super Bowl XXXV’s lineup will never be matched. MTV, that year’s producers, hit a gram slam when it came to appealing to all genres of music, including pop (*N SYNC, Britney Spears), rock (Aerosmith), rap (Nelly) and R&B (Mary J. Blige). *N SYNC and Aerosmith took turns alternating back and forth between songs, finishing up with a star-studded rendition of Walk This Way for the ages. Britney Spears looked better than ever in those silver Dallas Cowboys pants, and Nelly rocked a half Ron Dayne, half Stoney Case, Ravens/Giants jersey while rapping a verse from E.I.

3. Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, P. Diddy, Nelly, Kid Rock- Super Bowl XXXVIII, 2004

Another deep lineup, but let’s be real here, no one remembers a damn thing about this years' performance other than “nipplegate”. The free peep show came in the closing moments of Timberlake’s single Rock Your Body. JT sang the closing line “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song”, and then immediately ripped off part of Jackson’s top, fully exposing her right breast to the entire world. The “wardrobe malfunction” ended up costing CBS $550,000 and MTV received a lifetime ban from all future halftime shows. Needless to say lots of teenage boys slept well that well.

2. Michael Jackson- Super Bowl XXVIII, 1993 

In what is said to be one of the most watched performances in American history, the King of Pop brought down the house at the packed out Rose Bowl with hits like "Billie Jean" and "Black or White". But it was his goose bump inducing rendition of "We Are the World" and "Heal the World" that people still talk about to this day. It was the first time a Super Bowl halftime performance was aired live in its entirety, and Jackson's success ensured that all future broadcasts do the same.

In hindsight, surrounding Jacko with 3,500 local youths may not have been the best idea, but it made for one hell of a show. 

1. U2- Super Bowl XXXVI, 2002 

In the immediate months following the 9/11 attacks, many people turned to sports for inspiration and as a welcomed distraction from all the heartache around us. Irish rockers U2 added to our healing process by taking the stage at halftime of Super Bowl XXXVI and paying tribute to our fallen brothers and sisters, playing while a scrolling list of names of the victims reached up to the heavens above. There wasn't a dry eye in the house, or living room, and during that halftime we were all rooting for the same team.


-fresh (@danye33)

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Awesome 90's Songs You May Have Forgotten- Blink 182 "Going Away To College"

With all the youngin's headed back to school from winter break I figured now would be an appropriate time to talk about my favorite Blink song, "Going Away To College", off their 1999 album Enema Of The State. From the opening guitar rift this song sinks its teeth into you like a snapping turtle, refusing to let go for the next two minutes and thirty seconds. I think part of the reason I like it so much, aside from the obvious nostalgia factor, is because of how relatable the lyrics are to what it actually feels like to be a teenager in love.

Teenagers don't know shit, and love is no exception. It's all a learning process, a series of trial and error relationships until you actually realize what works and what you hope to get out of it. So when Mark Hoppus says "And if young love is just a game then, I must have missed the kickoff", I think that's a feeling that lots of kids  have felt at one time or another.

Anddd the award for most depressing YouTube comment for this video is actually a tie between these two users-
himynameismaja7 Listening to this song on Valentines day and being all alone. :/
ColePTP The first girl I loved moved to South Carolina, and we still have feelings for each other. I'm sending her my acoustic cover of this for valentines day :)
FREE ADVICE- @himynameismaja7 start online dating. @ColePTP Stop using smiley emoticons. I really had no problem with you sending your semi-only-not girlfriend a cover for Valentines Day until I saw the :)

P.S. Apparently Blink 182 released a new EP in December called Dogs Eating Dogs. You can listen to the whole thing here

-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, January 21, 2013

Chuck Schumer Filled Up The Old Spank Bank At The Inauguration

 (image via reddit via AP)

"Lookin so crazy your love's got me lookin,
Got me lookin so crazy your love"

-fresh (@danye33)

Falcons Fan Pistol Whips His TV After Loss To The Niners

For as stupid a move as this was, I kind of understand where this dude was coming from. For the second week in a row his team, the Falcons, blew a three score lead in the second half, and now they're going golfing.  If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, there's nothing more heartbreaking than losing a close game. That false sense of hope always comes back to bite you in the ass, and occasionally, prompts you to go all Shaft on the boob tube.

P.S. I love the guy who goes "you coulda gave me that n****, chill" after about the fourth pistol whip. I just picture that guy having one of those 27 inch bubble TV's with no HD back at the crib going home all depressed because his hot head friend just destroyed a nicer television then he's ever going to own.

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Championship Round Playoff Picks

Game: 49ers at Falcons

When: 3:00 pm on Sunday

Line: S.F. -4

Pick: Colin Kaepernick is a god dam stallion. He should pay property tax on the Green Bay Packers because that's how much he owns their ass. 181 on the ground, 263 in the air with four total touchdowns? Those are video game type numbers and you can bet your bottom dollar on a repeat performance in the dome against Atlanta's Swiss cheese defense this Sunday.  The Falcons did everything in their power to lose that game in the fourth quarter short of handing the ball off to Seattle linemen, and if that happens again this weekend San Fran is going to make them pay. This ones gonna get ugly.

Prediction: Niners 41 Falcons 21

Game: Ravens at Patriots

When: 6:30 pm on Sunday

Line: N.E. -8

Pick: These two teams have had some epic battles in recent years, both in the regular and post season. In fact it was just last year that a Lee Evans drop and a Billy Cundiff miss from 32 yards out sent the Pats to their 5th Super Bowl in the Brady era. It's not going to be easy for New England this time around, in fact from a passer rating stand point no QB has been better than Flacco in the postseason, but I think New England's experience and play makers will allow them to prevail. If the Pats can establish their running game early, they're virtually unbeatable. Take the Ravens with the points, but the Ray Lewis retirement parade stops here.

Prediction: Patriots 28, Ravens 24

Playoff Record: 4-4

-fresh (@danye33)

Cheif Keef Is Headed To Juvie

(NYTChief Keef, the teenage Chicago rapper who often presents a street-tough image, was visibly shaken and pleaded for leniency when he was sentenced to 60 days in juvenile detention on Thursday for violating his probation on a gun charge. The judge said the rapper had violated an order to stay away from firearms when he agreed to do a videotaped interview with Pitchfork at a New York gun range in June and fired a rifle there.

Talk about a sad day for the Weave, as one of our most beloved writers gets set to spend a couple of months in a juvenile detention center. I know alluded to the fact that Keef may be going away for a while back in December, but it really never hit me until today. Luckily, I'm more than confident that Mr. 3hunna himself will be able to comfortably hold his own in the pen. Hell, he'll probably be getting topped off by female security guard and running a six figure drug ring by the time I hit 'publish' on this blog. That's how much faith I have in my guy. It doesn't matter if its in the streets, or in the cell, bitches love Sosa.

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Pats-Ravens Preview

For the third time in the Joe Flacco era, the Ravens are set to cross paths with the New England Patriots in the NFL playoffs. Baltimore pulled off the upset in the ’09 playoffs, beating the Pats at Gillette Stadium 33-14, despite only completing four passes in the entire game. But Brady and the boys were able to get revenge last year in the AFC Championship game, winning 23-20, thanks largely to a dropped touchdown by Lee Evans and a shanked 32-yard game-tying field goal try with 11 seconds to go by Billy Cundiff. This time around the stakes are equally as high, as the Ravens and Pats get set to do battle for a Super Bowl berth.

It’s not every day that you get to see a non-divisional rivalry as heated as the one these two teams share, and there is certainly no love lost between the two Beasts from the East. They last faced off in Week 3—a seesaw battle, which the Ravens ironically won thanks to a made field goal by their new kicker, Justin Tucker, as time expired. The field goal soared what appeared to be directly over the upright, and the call could have gone either way. This prompted Bill Belichick to grab a replacement official as they were leaving the field, and led to hours of speculation about whether or not these officials were competent enough to call the game. Luckily for them, Tate-Gate happened the very next night on Monday Night Football, ensuring that the officiating would be up to par the next time these two teams squared off.
Ravens' WR Torrey Smith, playing just a day after his brother passed away, was the star of that first meeting. The former Maryland Terrapin finished up the evening with 6 catches for 127 yards and a pair of touchdowns in the Raven’s emotional victory.
But the past is the past, and come kickoff on Sunday afternoon the scoreboard will read 0-0. Although, if Baltimore’s top-ranked special teams continues to play the way they have all season, that score may not last too long. The Ravens, fresh off a 38-35 double OT victory over the top seeded Broncos, are riding high with momentum, and have no intentions of cutting Ray Lewis’ retirement parade short.
Free-agent-quarterback-to-be Joe Flacco (7-4 record in the playoffs) has done everything in his power to warrant a long term extension in Baltimore with his play of late. Through two rounds of action he has the highest quarterback rating of any signal caller in the playoffs, and his 70-yard hail mary touchdown pass to Jacoby Jones with no timeouts and 30 seconds remaining allowed the team to live another day. Though the irrelevant, yet highly discussed, argument of whether or not Flacco is “elite” is to go continue for the foreseeable future, after his postseason performance there is no more debating his leadership or clutch gene.
Also, the Bernard Pollard factor cannot be overlooked. Pollard has crushed the hopes and dreams of Pats fans many times in recent years, including dishing out season-ending injuries to Tom Brady (2008) and Wes Welker (2009), as well as spraining Rob Gronkowski’s ankle in last year’s AFC title game. It should be noted that all three of those injuries occurred on clean plays, but if there’s one player New England doesn’t want to see on D, it is he.
But even before Bernard gets a crack at them, the Pats will already be banged up. They’ll be without Gronkowski, Julian Edelman and possibly Danny Woodhead this Sunday on offense. And on the defensive side of the ball Chandler Jones (ankle) looks to be a game time decision as well.
New England has done a good job of adapting to its injuries thus far, not skipping a beat on offense, and instead using the newfound opportunities to get other players involved in the game plan. Like second-year running back Shane Vereen, who became just the third player in NFL history to record two receiving touchdowns and one rushing touchdown in the same playoff game. Aaron Hernandez helped pick up the slack at tight end in the Patriots 41-28 win over the Texans, hauling in six catches for 85 yards.
But the real reason that the Pats have been able to keep on winning, regardless of who’s lining up where on offense, is because of the man under center, Tom Brady. The recently-crowned “winningest playoff QB of all time” had a quarterback rating of 115 versus the Texans, completing 25 of 40 passes for 344 yards and three touchdowns. He’s now 11-2 in his career at home in the playoffs, and a victory on Sunday would tie him with his childhood hero, Joe Montana, for the most Super Bowl appearances ever by a starting quarterback (6).
For the Ravens to have a shot at pulling off a second consecutive upset, they’re going to need to emulate what got them here in the first place. They’re going to need to hit on a few deep passes, win the special teams battle and make the big plays on defense. Of course those three things are all easier said than done, but the fact that they’ve won in Foxboro before should give them a confidence most road teams lack when facing the Pats.
Unfortunately, confidence doesn’t necessarily put points on the board, and matching New England’s offense is a task few teams can handle. History indicates this game will be tight, but ultimately I think the Patriots firepower on offense will be too much for the Ravens to handle. Brady and company walk away with the W, and a shot at Super Bowl No. 4.

Prediction: Patriots 28, Ravens 24

this article was originally published on

-fresh (@danye33)

James Franco Channels His Inner Riff Raff In The New "Spring Breakers" Trailer

From the beautiful, dark, twisted mind that brought you cult classics like Kids and Gummo, comes the latest from writer/director Harmony Korine. The trailer for Spring Breakers almost plays out like a parody flick, but I can assure you, this movie is as real as it gets. James Franco plays a Riff Raff lookalike rapper/(possible?) drug dealer who bails out four teens from jail (including the barely legal ex-Disney beau's Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez). After that the plot goes a little haywire, but we do get to see a shot of Gucci Mane asking the quartet if "Ya'll wanna die tonight?". And though it may (or may not) lack the traditional disturbing scenes like cat drownings or AIDS revelations that Korine movies have featured in the past, this movie at the very least will feature southern ebonics and scantly clad co-eds, and that's a cause I get can behind.

After all, "Bikini's and big booties, yo! That's what life's about!"

Spring Breakers
hits theaters March 22nd.

-fresh (@danye33)

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Dude Outsources His Job To China, Spends All His Newfound Free Time On Reddit, Ebay and Facebook

(RegisterA security audit of a US critical infrastructure company last year revealed that its star developer had outsourced his own job to a Chinese subcontractor and was spending all his work time playing around on the internet... After getting permission to study Bob's computer habits, Verizon investigators found that he had hired a software consultancy in Shenyang to do his programming work for him, and had FedExed them his two-factor authentication token so they could log into his account. He was paying them a fifth of his six-figure salary to do the work and spent the rest of his time on other activities.

The analysis of his workstation found hundreds of PDF invoices from the Chinese contractors and determined that Bob's typical work day consisted of:

9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos
11:30 a.m. – Take lunch
1:00 p.m. – Ebay time
2:00-ish p.m – Facebook updates, LinkedIn
4:30 p.m. – End-of-day update e-mail to management
5:00 p.m. – Go home

Bob is no longer employed by the firm.

I just want to start off by giving Bob an obligatory slow clap for being the smartest man in the universe. 

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, we can take a deeper look at this mans brilliance. So this guy pays some chump in China 1/5th of his 100+k salary to do all his work for him, while he twiddles his thumbs at his desk watching cat videos and fucking around on Ebay. I mean if that's indicative of the 2013 American dream, I don't know what is. Not only that, but those workers in China did his job so well that he actually won multiple "best in company" awards. Exploiting loopholes like you read about.

Sucks he ended up getting the ax, but like the great American prophet Ponyboy Curtis once said, "Nothing gold can stay". Fortunately for Bob, reddit gold lasts a lifetime.

-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Instagram Is Like Steroids For Celebrities

The reason people like Instagram so much, aside from the false sense of “artsy” that it supplies, is because it allows you to distort reality and make yourself appear better looking than you really are. I mean if you don’t think I’m filtering my pale ass with some Lo-Fi or Hefe all winter long you must be out of your god damn mind. Just like the steroid era in baseball- if there’s a tool that can make you look/play better than you would without it, you can bet your bottom dollar that tool is going to get used. Which is why it’s almost not even fair when celebs use those filters to further enhance the gifts they’ve already got.

Now don’t get me wrong, I for one am all for adding a splash of Sutro and or a hint of Hudson to an already perfected body. But just like Mark McGwire's 19 inch biceps, you need to know that some of these celebs are juicing. Only this time the performance enhancing drug is a camera.

And just like with the Home Run race of '98, you won't catch me complaining one bit.



Candice Swanepoel

P.S. Only sociopaths use Kelvin.

-fresh (@danye33)

Great Moments In Unfriended History, Vol. 11

That awkward moment when you're a dude publicly quoting Nicki Minaj lyrics to tell your girlfriend how you feel about her...

Have an annoying "friend" taking up space on your newsfeed? Screen shot his or her status and send it my way to

-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, January 14, 2013

Step Your App Game Up

Can't wait to get home from work and download all of these apps so that I can set up my home screen the exact same way. Kind of worried about what "Niggle It" may be but here goes nothing...

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, January 11, 2013

Lizard Haircut Taking You Into The Weekend

(image via)

Freshest hair cut I've ever seen. May grow out a rat tail and go for this look myself in 2014. Probably get so much snake loving ass it wouldn't even be funny. 

(Ed note: I googled "reptile lovers" and the first link that came up was for a message board for the Reptile Lovers' Community called "Herpes". You can't make this shit up.)

Have a safe weekend everybody!

-fresh (@danye33)

Divisional Playoff Round Picks

Game: Ravens at Broncos

When: 4:30 pm Saturday 

Line: Den -9.5

Pick: Gotta ride with the Broncos here. They've won 11 in a row and are scoring at an unprecedented clip (scoring 30+ points in 9 of their last 11 games). Baltimore brought their "A" game last weekend to save face and extended Ray Ray's career another game, but this train is going to come to an abrupt stop at Mile High this Saturday. Semi-related note: Peyton Manning has won his last 9 meetings versus the Ravens. 

Game: Packers at 49ers

When: 8:00 pm Saturday 

Line: S.F. -3

Pick: Green Bay all day. When it comes to playoff betting, I always chose to go with the quarterback whose proved he can get it done in that situation before. Aaron Rodgers is a god damn surgeon under center and already has a ring under his belt. The Kaepernick story has been fun to follow, but I don't think he's ready for the lime light quite yet. I think the Packers win this game outright.  

Game: Seahawks at Falcons

When: 1:00 pm Sunday

Line: Atl -2.5

Pick: Rock chalk (Sea) Hawks! Even with the loss of Chris Clemons this defense still strikes fear in opposing players hearts. Not to mention the fact that Russel Wilson has already achieved in one game what Matt Ryan has failed to do in five years, and that's win a playoff game. Sherman and Browner are going to give Julio and Roddy headaches all day while Beast Mode eats clock for dinner.

Game: Texans at Patriots

When: 4:30 pm Sunday 

Line: N.E. -9.5

Pick: Tawwwwm Brady & co. I wrote about this game earlier in the week, but to rehash for those of you who might have missed it/too lazy to click the above hyperlink, the Pats simply have too much firepower. We saw it in week 14, and we're destined to see it again on Sunday. Gronk will be back at full strength and BB is going to show no mercy whatsoever with his play calling.   Brady is 10-2 in the playoffs at Gillette and I think this game will follow that winning trend. 31-17 Pats, lock it up. 

Playoff record: 2-2

-fresh (@danye33)

Portly Child Sinks Over The Head Buzzer Beater

This kid reminds of when Chris Farley played touch football with those kids from the rec center in Black Sheep. Just so much bigger than anyone else on the court. Anyways, great shot, and even better laugh by whoever was filming. Not to get too crazy with the 90's movie references, but it sounded just like Carl's imitation of Erik's weasel laugh in Billy Madison.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw around my Koosh Vortex Howler football and CRUSH some Squeeze Its.

-fresh (@danye33)

[via Deadspin via Sportscenter]

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The I-95 Exchange- Joe and Dan Talk KG

Yesterday I had some less than flattering things to say about Kevin Garnett, the notorious trash talker who successfully made his way inside Carmelo Anthony's head, resulting in victory for the Celtics, and a one game suspension for Melo. So in the interest of being "fair and balanced", I thought it would be a good idea to bring in my friend Joe, a sports blogger from Bahston, to have a chat about one of the most revered, and hated, players in the league- KG. The following free flowing conversation took place last night (1/9) on gchat.

This is the first of what we hope will be many "debates" over the never ending Boston-New York sports rivalry.

Dan: As a Celtics fan, do you feel like Kevin Garnett deserves the "dirty" reputation he's earned for himself?

Joe: I think the "dirty" label is a stretch. Yes he throws elbows, but show me a big guy who doesn't. Yes, he hit Channing Frye in the groin, but... well, okay, I can't argue with that there. But those aren't the reasons people call him dirty. They call him dirty because he talks non stop. Why is that dirty?

Dan: I think he gets perceived as dirty because time and time again we're seeing him get involved in these less than flattering altercations. Sure, part of the reason it garners so much attention is because of his accomplishments and the fact that Boston is in a big market, but you don't read stories about these other superstars habitually crossing the line with their words and their hands. Do you think that the fact that he plays for the Celtics skews your opinion of him? For example, if he played for the Toronto Raptors and identical incidents were made public would you feel the same way?

Joe: You mean like the first 10+ years of his career when he played for Minnesota? He's been the exact same guy on the court since he came into the league. It's only a story now because he's on the Celtics. I actually like that he gets nasty on the court. I like that he gets in other players faces. Everyone complains about the "buddy buddy NBA" but then the same people complain when KG sets up shop in Carmelo's head. You can't have it both ways.

Dan: To touch on his time in Minnesota, to be honest I think a lot has changed since then. If you look at the way people consume sports nowadays its so much more in your face than it used to be. Since he's come to Boston we've seen things like Twitter and hundreds of sports blogs come along and put a microscope on player's actions. And that bullseye gets amplified tenfold when you start winning championships, so although I don't doubt that KG is the same player now that he was in Minnesota, we're all exposed to his true colors more than we were in the past.

I like your point about the "buddy buddy NBA" because that does suck. These players are growing up together in a  time where they've got Facebook, texting, year round AAU teams that travel all over the country against the best competition, so by the time these guys get into the league they're already legitimate friends.

There's nothing better than a rivalry, but I think when you start talking about a players family that crosses the line. What were your thoughts on what unfolded Monday night?

Joe: I don't think there is a line when it comes to talking on the court. Well, maybe kids. Outside of that, I think it's all fair. It's shit talking. It's supposed to throw the other person off. And doesn't everyone agree that "your wife tastes like honey nut cheerios" is one of the funniest on the court lines ever? Maybe Jordan calling Mugsey Bogues a midget is better, but it's close. If I'm a knicks fan, I don't care about what KG said, I care that my "superstar" player went 6-26 because KG, who EVERYONE knows is going to talk, got in his head.

Dan: Agreed, not only was the insult hilarious, but I think Honey Nut Cheerios should be paying Garnett royalties for getting people to talk about their shitty cereal.

Joe: Bee happy, bee healthy bro. Great for your HDL.

Dan: As a Knicks fan I think what hit us the hardest was seeing how rattled Melo got. He's been our workhorse all season and to watch him lose his cool and stop playing his game was something we're not used to seeing. But what irks me about Garnett is how he's all bark and no bite, and he's always been that way. Even though fighting wouldn't have solved anything, and only would have resulted in suspensions, I think Knick fans, and most non-Celtic fans, are just waiting for someone to step up and crack him in the jaw to put him in place.

Joe: That argument has never made any sense to me. Do you want him to go Ron Artest on people? Do you want him literally loading up uzi's and going to war? Garnett knows what he's doing. He's going to talk and talk to get in your head. He isn't going to escalate it because what use is he if he's suspended?

Dan: He's a master at his craft, I'll give him that. It just sucks that his craft involves A) being a douchebag and B) negatively effects my team.

Joe: Exactly, "your team". Would you want KG on your team?

Dan: Of course! How could you not want one of the best 35 players of all time on your roster? He's a fierce competitor and still has a lot of juice left in the tank but for the players and fans of the other 29 teams in the league, he's the absolute worst. As a fan of a team that has never employed Garnett, I think the reason he's so loathed is because he didn't do jack shit in Minnesota, and needed two other top 15 guys as well as an up and coming point guard to finally win a championship, and now all of a sudden he's branded a winner?

But it's the character issues that run deeper than that. Trash talk is part of the game, but it should stay on the court. The second that curtain gets pulled and we (fans) see the types of things he says (cancer patient/Happy Mother's Day motherfucker), it changes the way you think of the guy.

Joe: KG is actually eerily similar to another loathed Boston sports icon-- Bill Belichick. All Bill cares about is winning. Everything he does is a means to that end. He doesn't say much in press conferences so nothing can go on the other team's bulletin board. He's more tight lipped than the NSA when it comes to injuries because he doesn't want to give the other team ANY advantage. To outsiders, he seems like a dick, but when you understand that it's all done for the sole purpose of winning, you love it. If you're a fan of his team, that is. Same goes for KG. If he's gonnaa trash talk your best player and turn him into a mess on the court, he's gonna do it. He doesn't care about reputation, he doesn't care what other players think. All he wants to do is win the game, by any means. As a fan, I love it.

Dan: 100% see where your coming from, and I know Boston fans preach the whole "win by any means necessary" hoo rah, but my issue was never that he wasn't a good player, or someone who could and does help a team win. My issue is that he's a punk. When you constantly run your mouth and pick on players who you don't think are going to fight back, it makes you a punk. He's a big bully.When you cross a line, you need to be prepared for the consequences and he's proved time and time again he's not about that life.

I get that he's about winning and instigating, but I just think there comes a time when actions speak louder than words and I don't think he's ready to put his money where his mouth is. Either way, I'm praying these two teams meet in the playoffs.

Joe: I'm not sure you should be. I think they're trending in different directions. Not to get too X's and O's here, but the whole reason the KG/Melo thing got started was the Knicks couldn't handle the Pierce/KG pick and roll. They kept switching Melo onto KG and leaving Chandler on Pierce. KG had his way with Melo and Pierce had his way with Chandler

Dan: Oh I'm not saying that because it's going to be easy, I'm saying that because it's going to be a war.

Joe: See, without KG shit talking, this is just another boring buddy buddy game. Now we got some bad blood, we got a series we want to watch.

Dan: You're right, I guess I'm kind of thankful for that asshole afterall

Joe: I'm actually glad the Knicks are relevant again. And I like that for once, the Celtics are playing an older team. I don't think the Celtics have been younger than any other team since the Big 3 formed.

Rasheed? Really?

Dan: Look, I know the Knicks are prehistoric. I've been writing about it since last summer when they traded for Camby and Thomas (Pre-Rasheed!), and I know they could fall apart at any minute. But the fact of the matter is they've exceeded my wildest expectations thus far and they've been a pleasure to watch. I can't even tell you how refreshing it is to root for a smart, winning team again and I think the fact that it was so unexpected and that it could end at any minute has made it all the better. Kidd and J.R. have been phenomenal and I can't speak enough about what a luxary having Tyson Chandler around the rim is for your team

Joe: I can't believe Dallas didn't resign him.

Dan: Cubes got too smart for his own good. Tried to make a play for Dwight/Deron and it blew up in his face.

Joe: One seocnd thought, maybe it's best it did blow up on him.

Dan: Quick side tangent- I ran into Cuban at a bar in Manhattan Beach when I was out in Cali last spring and bought tequilla shots for us. He said no. Fuck Mark Cuban.

Joe: What'd you buy him? Jose? Dude's a billionaire. He can probably buy his own drinks.

Dan: Quick NBA Q before we wrap this up- what seed do you think the C's finish in? They're 18-17 right now and we still have a lot of ball to play. Do you think they're best is yet to come or are they just a .500 team?

Joe: I honestly have no idea. I'm actually working on a blog about how I don't know what to expect from the Celtics. They've just won four in a row, but I could see them dropping four in a row starting tomorrow. Consistently inconsistent. Does their seed really matter? I actually wouldn't mind them being a low seed and getting Miami in the second round. At least they'd be fresh. I think their ceiling is higher than any team in the east outside of Miami.

Dan: Luckily for us, these two teams will get to play each other three more times before the postseason, and I've already got my sights set on the 24th (the next time Boston plays New York).

The stage has been set, and this rivalry is drowning with bad blood. It's going to be a war.

Joe: Exactly the way the NBA should be.

Joe brings a much needed male perspective to the popular lifestyle blog That's What She Said: Boston, go read his work here. For employment purposes, he posts under the pseudonym "bromeo"

-fresh (@danye33)