Friday, April 26, 2013

This Digital Time Capsule Will Knock Your Socks Off (Barefoot Readers Fear Not, For You Will Be Equally Blown Away)

In case the fifteen seconds it takes you to catch your breath after walking up a flight of stairs or that beer belly hanging over your belt aren't good enough reminders that you're no longer the young, wide eyed, adolescent you once were, here's a 10 minute Supercut of 1999 that should do the trick.

Ah, the good old days. Back when Molly was still called Ecstasy and we all thought Ricky Martin was straight.

The above video comes to us via YouTube user ThePeterson, who thoughtfully, though somewhat inexplicably, also created versions for 1997 and 2002 (In yo face Afroman!).

Now please excuse me while I go fap to Mariah's Rainbow album cover.

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, April 25, 2013

NFL Draft Lament

"The draft used to be an event. Now it’s just another random ESPN program on a weeknight."

Of the four main American sports, the longest offseason belongs to the most popular, football. That sport features the most exciting offseason event in the annual NFL draft, a weekend celebration of football that helps fans cope with the six long months without their beloved sport. This glorious spectacle, however, is not what it once was, thanks to an over-zealous commissioner who seems hell-bent on leaving a lasting mark on the league. Be it positive or negative.

I have fond memories of the NFL draft. I recall waking up those Saturday mornings full of anticipation after months of buildup, usually nervous about all the ways the Jets could screw up their picks. I remember meeting up with friends sometime around 11:30 so that we wouldn’t miss the start at noon. It always seemed to be a beautiful spring day outside, appropriately reflecting the boundless optimism each team’s fanbase feels heading into the draft. The day would be filled with chips, hot dogs, burgers, and later on, beer. The first 3 rounds would not end until the sun set. It was simply a marvelous day, and an important one at that. All teams’ futures depend on how well they draft. This importance added to the already exciting day. Alas, this entire experience has undergone immense change since Roger Goodell decided to fix something that wasn’t broke. The NFL Draft now takes place over 3 days, Thursday and Friday nights, and Saturday afternoon.

This change of format has had profound changes for the actual participants, not just the fans. Separating what used to be ‘Day 1’ of the draft (rounds 1-3) into 3 days without a doubt affects teams’ strategies. I always felt that the transition from the first to the second round was maybe the most important point in the draft. Some first rounds talents end up falling into the second round, which makes picks 33-40 (give or take) crucial for teams potentially trading up to get a target that fell. Because the draft used to continue until the first 3 rounds were complete on Saturday, this moment in the draft required quick thinking and deft movements on the part of the 32 clubs. The savvy teams would get their guys, while the inept front offices would be left scratching their heads. Now, everyone gets a full day to regroup and evaluate the scenarios present. Some may prefer this way, but for me, the hectic start to the second round was a huge plus of the old draft format.

The biggest impact, though, is of course on us fans. The Saturdays I described above are no more. The 1st round now takes place on Thursday evening, and guess what. I will be at work during the whole thing. I won’t get to hear Mel Kiper recite the players’ stats like he’s an encyclopedia. No kicking it with friends with snacks and a few beers. This is the second year in a row that this has happened, and now those happy draft images are becoming mere memories. The draft used to be an event. Now it’s just another random ESPN program on a weeknight. Shame on you Roger Goodell.

This blog was originally published on 4/26/12


Fresh Take Mailbag, Vol. 6

Yes, y'al, and Jigga man be ballin'! Welcome back to another edition of the freshest interactive column on the interwebs. In this week's Mailbag we power rank the shittiest of all shitty beers, discuss Mario Party etiquette, craft the perfect College Bucket List and much, much more. As always, please continue to hit me with all of your wildest questions via e-mail, tweet, text or in the comment section of our Facebook fan page. Remember, without your participation this column would cease to exist, so help me, help you!

And now, your questions!

Q: It is the last turn. You're at a crossroads. Going left will land you on the coveted "?" Happening space, giving you the bonus star. Going right will land you on the same space as your friend, prompting a duel. He has less coins, but enough to give you the coin star if you can win the duel. Do you take the easy way out and head left for the happening, or do you buck up and take what is rightfully yours as you leave people bloodied and bruised on your way to becoming the SUPERSTAR!

For the uninitiated, our friend Cam here has posed a hypothetical questions for Mario Party 2 on Nintendo 64. MP2 is hands down, THE BEST, non-sports/shooting multiplayer video game ever made. It's not even close. I spent more time memorizing the algorithm for how to win Honeycomb Havoc than I did studying for the SATs. I've gotten more upset at friends for stealing my coins than I did when they would hook up with ex's of mine. When it comes to Partying, you can never be too safe. So instead of coming right out with an answer, I'm going to break down the possible scenarios that would have to occur to make me choose "left" or "right".

Reasons for taking the Happening Star
  • You already have a two star lead on the 2nd place player
  • The person who currently owns the coin star does not threaten your chance of winning the "Super Star" (awarded to the person who at the end of 20 turns possess the most stars, with the tiebreaken then being determined by coins)
  • The person you would be dueling would win the coin star if he beats you
Reasons for setting up the Duel
  • You like to live dangerously
  • The Duel for whatever board you are playing is a game of skill, not chance (Example: the timer in Space Land as opposed to say, the rock, paper, scissors game in Mystery Land)
  • You have a vendetta against the player you would be dueling against
  • The player you would be dueling with is in first place, and currently holds the coin star title
  • You've got nothing to lose, meaning you're out of contention for the Super Star, but still want to shakes things up one last time

Rank these classic favorite (aka cheap enough for us to drink in college) light beers- Natty Light, Keystone Light, Milwaukee's Best Light, Busch Light.
-Mad Dog

Thank you Mad Dog, for taking us all on a trip down memory lane (presumably to the bathroom, to vomit, but thanks nonetheless). When it comes to ranking the bottom of the (keg) barrel, it's important to remember that we're dealing with the lesser of two evils here. Obviously, I would never drink a Keystone by choice, but if the options are between that and Beast Lite, you best believe I'm deep throating that Stone faster than Tori Black at a bukakki.

If you ever find yourself in a predicament where you are stuck choosing between these four low-grade paint thinners, be sure to follow the below power rankings. Your liver will thank you later.

4) Milwaukee's Best Light

Not to be confused with Milwaukee's Best ICE. Drinking Beast Light is akin to what I would imagine it would feel like to be sexually assaulted on a tractor.

3) Busch Light

Ah, the "dirty 30". Tastes like lead in a can.

2) Natty Light

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I actually have friends from L.I. who prefer this beer over, say, a Bud Lite. It was also the drink of choice in those at-the-time funny Bro Rape YouTube videos from like '07. That's got to count for something, right?

1) Keystone Light

"Hunt for the Orange can" is still the greatest marketing campaign aimed at broke, underage, beer drinkers of all-time.

Is there anything more shameless than people who ask you to follow them on twitter. Or even worse people who put the dates Biebs or RiRi followed them on their profile?
- Bobby Big Nut

Luckily, I don't hang out with too many any 14 y/o's, so I don't really have to worry about being peer pressured into following anybody on Twitter (also, for the record, I am not #teamfollowback). I guess if a co-worker or friend politely asked me in a non-douchey way to follow them I would oblige, and then proceed to shit talk them behind their back about how they made me do it.

As for part two of your question, I'm lucky enough that I don't follow anyone on Twitter or IRL who would put the date that Biebs or Ri-Ri followed them in their Twitter bio. But my rebuttal question would be why do you? Sure, the internet is made up of 80% lunatics, but why would you choose to associate with any of them? I've been on Twitter since '09 and have found it relatively easy to steer clear of the Beibs/1D/Katy Perry generation.

To make up for that question, or lack thereof, enjoy this gif of a chick playing flip cup with her ass.

With the eve of SUNY Cortland's "Spring Fling" weekend upon us, what were some of your most memorable "Spring Fling" moments, both as a student and alumni?

Ah yes, Spring Fling, better known as alumni weekend at good old C-State. But instead of boring you with personal experiences, I'm instead going to take this time to point out how absolutely bullshit it is that once my year graduated (class of '10) Cortland finally started getting musicians worth getting drunk and paying to see. Here's the Spring Flight participants from the past seven years:
  • 2007, freshman year: Yellowcard
  • 2008, sophomore year: STOOD UP BY CHAMILLIONAIRE
  • 2009, junior year: O.A.R.
  • 2010, senior year: The Fray, five years after the band released How To Save A Life
  • 2011: Kid Cudi
  • 2012: Wiz Khalifa
  • 2013: Kendrick Lamar and Steve Aoki
I know its so cliche to talk about how you always had it so much harder than the "kids these days", but seriously, have you ever tried making out during a Yellowcard concert? It's like an audible chastity belt.

Meanwhile, students this weekend are going to be copping Molly-endused UTPHJ's, Project X style, while this shit plays:

Sometimes life ain't fair.

Which would you rather- get dropped in the middle of the Amazon jungle with limited supplies (knife, fresh water, few days rations) and have to find your way to civilization, or get dropped in south side Chicago with no cell phone?
-Hall Pass

Despite my flash mob fears, which I addressed in last week's bag, Chicago is still the no brainer choice here. Chi town may be the Murder Capitol of the U.S., but that doesn't mean you're going to get killed for simply walking down the street. The majority of the cities violence stems from gang-on-gang combat, and although you said no cell phone, you never said no hand gun of your own!

With all this talk of Chicago and gun violence, I figured now would be as good a time as any to bring back the Weave's favorite football corespondent, Chief Keef, fresh off his release from the Cook County Juvenile Temporary Detention Center. This week Mr. 3hunnit will be telling us whom he thinks the Kansas City Keefs should select with the #1 pick in tonight's draft. Take it away Chief!

Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia

"Dag (*rips blunt*), it feels good to be back. Being locked up in juvie there ain't shit to do but beat yo dick and rhyme. I swear I used to use the sound of my fist slapping my balls as the baseline and would just freestyle while jerking it all damn day. I done yanked it like three hunna times while I was in there, which is why I'm making a pact right now. From here on out, only time I nut gone be up in some p*ssy. No more of this manual nonsense. Hard to pull the trigger when your palms is all blistered.

Anyways, first thing I did when I got out was take a little trip down to Philly with Lil Clip and Sheek Nasty to re-up. You think I'm coming back in the game with anything less than the best? You must be out yo gotdam mind. So we copped the white girl and then headed downtown to try out some cheesesteaks cause I heard them shits was ill. Rolled up to Geno's with the Smith & Wesson, walked away with a Wiz Wit for free ninety-nine.

It was right then and there that I realized my squad, the K.C. Keefs, would be picking Geno Smith first overall come draft night. May even fuck around and cop the jersey while I'm at it. Them double XL joints hide the burner nice."

Is scruff okay in the workplace?

Definitely a question better suited for HR, but I've got to think a little peach fuzz never hurt anybody. Take a look around the office and check out how everybody else is presenting themselves. If everyone looks like they're about to step up to the plate for the Yankees, it might be in your best interest to play the role of the sheep and shave. But if it looks like Tim from billing just got back from Cocheilla, then by all means give your Mach 3 the week off.

A lot of it has to do with face-to-face client interaction. If you're going to be representing the company to outsiders then they'll probably want you to look fresh to death. But if you're just starring lifelessly into a computer screen all day, no one's going to tell you to lose the dirty Sanchez.

I have about four precious weeks left of my college career. As a washed up college grad yourself, what bucket list items do I have to do before life stops being polite and starts getting real? Also, advice for staying above the poverty line whilst maintaining my bougie lifestyle of $2 red bull vodkas three times a week? (I'm writing this through my tears).
-Blissfully Unemployed

Ah, spring time senior year. Just when the weather starts getting nice and the harsh reality that this is the "last hurrah" starts kicking in. Thanks for using one of your precious few sober moments to write in. Also, props for subtly throwing in "The Real World" slogan there in sentence #2. Don't think I missed that one.

As for what to do while the clock is ticking? I guess the best advice I can give you would be to do things that make you happy and make the most out of the moments left surrounded by people you care about. I've always found lists to be helpful, so I would suggest you get things started by rounding up your group of friends and writing down some realistic goals you can hit before you graduate. Explore new bars. Break into your old dorm room and take a selfie. Make out with a freshman. Write into your school newspaper talking about what it's like to be a senior. Stay up all night. Camp out on your lawn with your friends (weather permitting, obvs). Create your own drinking game with rules/inside jokes that apply only to your group of friends. Get to know people, whether it be class or at the bar, that you've never met before. Drunkenly admit your feelings to a crush.

Also pictures. Always take lots of pictures. You'll thank me later when you're #tbt'ing that keg stand shot on your way to work in six months.

My personal bucket list was a tad different, and was very time specific to that phase of my life. For the record I went 3 for 3- I leaned how to roll a blunt, took an underclassman under my wing (something that my cousin and his friends had done with me when I was a youngin' and always wanted to reciprocate the gesture) and did some "extracurricular work" in the library. All in all, I left college feeling very fulfilled, and about 30 pounds overweight.

But for as scary as the real, real world may seem, it doesn't have to be that way. As long as you value the friendships you've made during your time as school, those people will always be a big part of your life. I was lucky enough to have gone to a state school, so 99% of the friends I made all live within a half day's car ride away. But even if yours' live on the other side of the country, you'll still be able to FaceTime, gchat and visit whenever you please. There will be vacations and reunions and weddings, and even though you won't be seeing these people on a daily basis, it will be like nothing ever changed. You girls shared a huge part of your formative years together, and those memories will last a lifetime.

Now what are you waiting for? Go get drunk!

-fresh (@danye33)

Dan And Miggs Preview The NFL Draft

DanSo the NFL Draft is right around the corner, and I for one couldn't be more excited because it means we are one step closer to kickoff. As a Jets fan, what are you hoping to walk away with when this weekend is all said and done? Who are you targeting at #9, and realistically, what weaknesses do you think you can patch up via the draft?

Nick: I'm hoping to walk away without the ever present disappointment that being a Jets fan can bring. From Dwayne Robertson to Vernon Gholston, this team is full of constant reminders of what can go wrong during the most exciting draft in all of professional sports.

But the draft is also a time when it can all turn around for your team. Despite some of the Jets strikeouts in the past, they have hit some home runs with the likes of Keyshawn, John Abraham and Darelle Revis. Which brings me to my first point- that I expect some action leading up to the draft, meaning I don't see #24 on the Jets roster come draft day. If Tampa has it's 13th overall pick on the table, I don't see how the Jets, who have so many holes to fill, don't pull the trigger on a Revis deal.

What I am also excited to see is how much interest the Jets have in keeping Rex Ryan as their head coach. With new GM John Idzik participating in his first draft, he holds the key to showing how long he plans to have Rex as his head coach. If his picks play to Rex's defensive strengths then we know they want Rex for the long term. If he goes the other way then it shows that there is life after Sexy Rexy

The jets have a ton of needs in a pretty weak draft class, so I'm not expecting all there problems to just magically go away. They're obvious needs are a pass rusher, an interior 3-4 guy and some sort of offensive talent. So if you're a Jets fan watch out for these three players potentially coming off the board for gang green at 9.

1) Dion Jordan- Oregon, OLB/DE

The former duck is flying up draft boards since displaying his freakish athletic ability at the combine. He has a slight build for an NFL pass rusher, but still has time and ability to add some bulk. This guys versatility screams Rex Ryan defense. If he's still available I see the Jets taking neon Dion with their first selection.

2) Star Lotulelei, Utah-DL

Another Rex versatility guy. Star can be a star immediately if his whole "heart condition" was just a scare due to a virus, which is what is being reported now. He is a perfect fit to play the 3-4 interior guy, especially with the beloved Sione Pouha leaving town. This team has had it's most success with a stud anchoring the defense in the middle. Star has drawn comparisons to the Ravens' top interior guy, Haloti Ngata, a Rex Ryan guy from Baltimore.

3) Cordarrelle Patterson, Tennessee- WR

This was a coin flip between Patterson and Tavon Austin from West Virginia. Patterson gets the edge in height and strength which the jets desire in their receivers. Patterson's knock is that he's not a good route runner, but that hasn't stopped people before. Mike Wallace runs one route and just got a fat payday in Miami. Patterson could easily be a ten touchdown guy, if only the Jets had a QB to throw him the ball.

As someone who regularly rips on the Jets, and disagrees with ninety percent of what they do as an organization, take the reigns in the draft room- who would you take to help the hapless jets.

Also, as a Giants fan, what needs fixing? Who do you see them taking with their first pick? It seems that the Giants are in it to win it every two years. Last time it was the addition of JPP who got them to the promised land. What player do you see making an impact for the Giants?

Dan: When it comes to the Jets its almost like "what do you get for the team that needs everything?". Obviously the quarterback position needs to be addressed before they can be taken seriously, but do you really want to throw more guaranteed money at an unproven commodity in one of the weakest drafts in that position on record?

I don't think it matters who they draft, so long as they don't whiff on the pick. What I mean by that is if they can turn the #9 overall pick into a bonafide starter and solidify one position in their unit than I think you can consider this draft a success. Whether that player is a WR, LB or D-Lineman doesn't really matter so long as it eliminates one of the teams weaknesses.

But with the Jets draft history that's obviously easier said than done. I'd go with the DT from Utah and build your front unit around him. Hope the Coples pick pans out and start your climb back to relevance on the defensive side of the ball.

Luckily for the Giants they seem to already be stable at the skill positions, which is a huge relief but makes for way less sexy mock draft predictions. In recent years, Big Blue has been habitually thin on line backers and corners, so I never mind when Reese goes that route. With that being said, I've also seen mocks where the Giants take D.J. Fluker, a big ole' tackle from 'Bama. Can never go wrong any of Saban's guys.

But let's put the New York teams on the back-burner for now, don't you think its strange that the draft is less than a week away and we still don't know who the number one pick is going to be? What does that say about this class and if you were Kansas City who would you select?

Nick: I think it speaks to how wide open this draft is. If I was KFC (Kansas fuckin' city) I think you lock down one of those tackles. I'm partial to Luke Joekel, who if he lives up to his potential could be an all-pro tackle for years to come. Anyone who dominates the SEC is on the right track to becoming a solid pro. Plus they spent picks to bring in Alex Smith, so I don't think they double dip this high in the draft by taking Geno.

Speaking of the QB out of West Virginia, I like him coming off the board at four to the Eagles. They don't have a proven starter there right now and he could possibly run the hybrid style offense Chip Kelly is going to be bringing to Philadelphia. What do you think Smith's upside is? Does he have the stuff to be RG3 or Russ Wilson, or is he the next Jamarcus Russel? Where do you see him going and will he be successful right out the gates?

Dan: Smith is an interesting case because I can't really tell if he's the real deal or simply the "best of the rest". He put up insane numbers at West Virginia (a certain 8 TD performance certainly sticks out), and the recent influx of duel threat QB's definitely plays into his favor.

I think a year learning behind Mike Vick could do wonders for his career, but they already spent a second rounder on Nick Foles and teams don't seem to have the patience to draft and stash QB's like they once did.

I don't think it's fair to compare him to guys like RGIII or Russ Wilson because they raised the bar so high that its unrealistic to bank on that kind of production from a rookie. But if there's any team in need of a quarterback that would put him in the best situation to succeed right away it would be Philly with McCoy, Action Jackson and Maclin at his disposal. I could also see him crashing and burning in Buffalo if he's still on the board at #8.

Are you sold on any of the other quarterbacks in this draft? Hard to believe Barkley went from a would be first rounder to a potential day 2 pick in just a year's time.

Nick: I actually like a few QB's in this draft. Everyone has been knocking this draft as such a weak QB class, but compared to last year any class would look weak. I guarantee there's one or two guys in this draft that can be real effective starters in the NFL. One of the guys I like is E.J. Manuel from FSU. He's got a bigger frame than Smith and has graded out better to scouts in some situations. I also like the kid from 'Cuse Nassib. He's huge and has a cannon for an arm.

On the defensive side of the ball, I'm looking forward to seeing where Manti Te'O goes. Is he a first rounder? His name has also been tossed around for the G-Men's first pick. Would you take a flier on this guy or would you make a fake profile and profess your love for him?

Dan: I wouldn't be opposed to Te'O coming to New York. After all, it would make for some hilarious comedy with the constant catfish references. But I think GM Jerry Reese is too smart for that. We're talking about the biggest market in the country, the guy would never be able to out run his past. The Post would have a field day with him. Every time he missed a tackle he would wind up on the front page "hugging his girlfriend", so I think that plays a bigger role as to why he won't end up a Giant as opposed to his talent. After that whole shitstorm he needs to fly under the radar for a solid three years. Preferably in a place where people don't give a fuck, like Jacksonville.

Eddie Lacy had his way with Te'O in the title game, where do you think he winds up in the draft and will he have an immediate impact on an NFL team this fall? If not, what other RB's are worth keeping an eye on? I saw a stat on Twitter that there's a 56% chance a RB does NOT get drafted in the first round. I don't know if that's ever happened before.

Nick: Lacy is like Trent Richardson light. Which is still pretty good. I think any team would love to have a RB with that combo of power and speed. I don't think he's a premier RB but definitely serviceable anywhere. I wouldn't mind if the Jets somehow got their hands on him. I'm interested to see if Marcus Lattimore gets a shot somewhere, and if so, can he bounce back from the gruesome injury? After A.P.'s incredible comeback season last year anything is possible. Also Christine Michael from Texas A & M along with Johnny football formed a nice little tandem last year. I mean any guy whose made it this far named Christine has got to be pretty tough, no?


Dan: Switching gears a bit- we just found out that your boy, D Revis, is not longer a Jet. Are you happy with the deal or would you have liked more? Do the Jets draft at #9 and #13 come Thursday or do they move up/down?

Nick: If you thought the Jets were contenders with Revis than you are a contender in being the most delusional Jets fan on the planet. I'm not happy about letting a future HOFer leave in the prime of his career, but I also know that it couldn't have happened in a better way. The already cap-strapped Jets shed a tremendous salary burden and also no longer have to worry about Revis holding out for a fourth time whenever he decides it's time to hold out again. I know we're playing him week 1, but we sent him to a place were we are rarely going to see him.

The Jets are in rebuilding mode, and while most teams have to do that with one first round pick, at least now we have a chance to rebuild faster if we happen to hit on both of these pics. We've got plenty of options, and here are some possible scenarios I would be happy with:

1) Trade up for Dee Milliner- They just lost a corner and could use these picks to move up to get their ideal replacement if they choose to go that route. The only thing holding them back is the fact that they have way more needs than just corner.

2) They draft Geno Smith- Yes more and more its starting to look like the West Virginia product will be available at #9 and #13, leaving the Jets with a tough decision to make. I think New York likes this guy and so do I. As he stands now, un-polished, he still has eons more playmaking ability than Sanchez. Don't rule out a West Virginia reunion with Tavon Austin either. which might be possible as Austin is getting some top ten buzz as Smith's stock begins to fall. If the Jets draft Smith then they may finally be able to rid themselves of the dirty Sanchez once and for all. Seeing that the Jets could eat Mark's contract because they're going to be paying Smith on a rookie deal.

3) They go after the big uglies. Success is built on the offensive line and defensive line. The Jets have been stockpiling young talent on the d-line and they could go get one more with the 9th pick and then come back at #13 and snag one of these stud guards that are available. It's been noted that there might not be a safer pick to find an All-Pro player than either Chance Warmack from Alabama or Jonathan Cooper from North Carolina. I'd be happiest with this option. I think you can find a young QB later in this draft that won't be that far from Smith's talent level and if you first solidify the line of scrimmage, then you can go out and build an offense.

But going back to Revis, do you see him having A.P. type success this year or do you think his production will fall off? The AFC is a tough division to be a corner back in, playing Drew Bree's and the Falcons' wide receiver core four times a year can cause headaches Revis some headaches.

Dan: I think a lot of it will have more to do with how his body recovers from the injury than it will the competition he's set to face. Revis is an elite talent, so I don't think a drop off in production is in store regardless of who he plays against. I think the fact that these teams (Saints and Falcons) have so many weapons on the offensive side of the ball will make them more reluctant to target Revis 1 on 1, so in that regard I think teams will continue to steer clear of #24.

Tampa Bay gave up the second most passing yards EVER a season ago. Like, of all the teams to ever play in the NFL, only the 1995 Atlana Falcons had a statistically worse pass defense. So to turn their non-top 10 pick into an All-Pro corner is huge for that organization. I still don't think the Buccs will be good enough to make the playoffs, but they should be a competitive 8-8, which is pretty much all you can ask for after the season they just had.

It's almost a little too perfect that these two teams play week 1. I can already see the Revis pick six now. It's going to happen, and it's going to be glorious.

With that being said, I too like the move for the Jets. It had to be done. He was becoming too much of a constant distraction in the locker room and they had too many poor contracts locked up elsewhere to splurge on Revis. It must be bittersweet seeing him go, but Thursday night could go a long ways in righting this sinking ship.

Be sure to check back next week for part 2 where Miggs and I break down the winner's and loser's of this year's Draft

-fresh (@danye33) / Miggs (@NickMiggs)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Fontanelli's 5 Takeaways From Game 1

1) Point Guard Play Makes All The Difference
Since Rajon Rondo went down with an ACL tear in late January, Doc Rivers and the Celtics have gotten very creative with their half-court offense.  However, misdirection, back-cuts, and isolation plays have a lower ceiling than Boston would like to admit. The proof is evident in the Celtics 5-11 skid to end the regular season, their 29 2nd half points in Game 1, and their eight 4th quarter turnovers, seven of which were steals by the Knicks.
Meanwhile, New York has an embarrassment of riches in the point guard department, though each one has his own quirks. In their various small ball line-ups, the Knicks will often play Felton, Kidd, and Prigioni in pairs, and aren’t afraid to send 3 guards onto the court at once (with the addition of Smith or Shumpert). The X-factor in the Knicks offense is the success of the high pick-n-roll with Felton and Tyson Chandler.
When Felton is turning the corner, dribbling into the paint, and finishing around the rim, good things tend to happen. Carmelo Anthony is able to carry less of the scoring load, and New York’s plethora of shooters gets open looks from long range. When Felton is shooting and missing long range jumpers (as was the case at times in Game 1), the Knicks offense stalls and Boston is able to pull in long rebounds, allowing for easier transition opportunities.
Jeff Green lit it up in the 1st half, and Avery Bradley consistently beat the Knicks on backside cuts. Despite all of that, it’s still hard to imagine Boston winning 4 of their next 6 without consistent dribble penetration and reliable scoring from the guard spots.   

2) JR Smith’s aggressive play can keep the Celtics in foul trouble
Another major weakness Boston can’t hide is its lack of size and depth in the front-court. KG was in a walking boot for most of the last month, leaving Brandon Bass and Jeff Green as the only other rim protectors in the Celtics’ rotation. Cue JR Smith, the 2013 6th Man of the Year, who’s transformed his game to feature his basket-attacking ability. If Smith can keep getting to the cup consistently, it will keep Garnett off the court with fouls and leave Boston scrambling to guard the paint.

3) Iman Shumpert should be taking notes on Avery Bradley’s on-ball defense
Shumpert’s best attribute, other than his flat-top, is his ability to lock-up the other team’s best ball-handler. The same is true for Avery Bradley, but Bradley seems to provide more commitment and quickness to the defensive side of the ball. Both have had trouble staying healthy in their first few seasons in the league, but if the Knicks do advance to play Indiana, and perhaps Miami, Shumpert could play a key role by slowing down Paul George and Dwyane Wade.

4) Neither KG nor Tyson Chandler looks 100%
Garnett shot 4-12, mostly scoring on mid-range jump shots, and looked a lot like a 36 year-old who played 5 of the last 17 games on the Celtics’ schedule.
Tyson Chandler, less than a year removed from starting on Team USA, recorded zero blocks and didn’t attempt a field goal in only 20 minutes on Saturday. The late-season signing of Kenyon Martin continues to pay huge dividends for New York. K-Mart had 9 rebounds (5 offensive), and once again added the energy and toughness that doesn’t show up on the stat sheet, but equates to victories.
5) The Captain’s will steer or sink their ships.
Boston is outmatched in almost every way in this series. For them to steal home court advantage and pull the upset, they’ll need a five-star performance out of notorious Knicks-killer, Paul Pierce. The Truth went for 21-6-5 on Saturday, but 1-7 from 3-point range and 6 turnovers won’t be enough to knock off New York.
Carmelo started Game 1 red hot, looked frustrated throughout the 2nd and 3rd quarters, and redeemed himself with big shots down the stretch. The Celtics game plan was bold, and at times very effective against Anthony. They assigned an array defenders to Anthony, but refused to double team him. Rather, they crowded his airspace and forced contested jumpers early in the shot clock. Pay close attention to this match-up going forward, as the Celtics will try everything they can to bother the NBA’s scoring champ.


6) Boston has NO bench

33-4. That's how badly the Knicks' bench outperformed the Celtics second unit on Saturday. The Jet (0 pts, 0-5 shooting in 20 minutes) looked permanently grounded and Courtney Lee, a key contributor in the '09 Finals for Orlando, looked equally as lost out there, finishing up a game worst -9 in the +/- department. In fact, NO non-starter Celtic hit a single shot from the floor. Now I don't know if DJ White, Shavlik Randolph or Fab Melo posses the answers their team is looking for, but they've got to switch things up and try out some new lineups if they want avoid getting the broom treatment from NY. 

-J Fonts (@JohnAnthony37)

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Illinois Man Claims D-Rose's Injury Lead To His Obesity

(sourceA 25 year old Peoria Illinois man filed a lawsuit Thursday against Chicago Bulls Superstar Derrick Rose. Matthew Thompson, a self-described long-time Bulls fan, and electrician claims Rose missing the entire 2012-2013 NBA regular season has caused him to have mental breakdowns and emotional distress, which ultimately led to obesity issues.

All I can say to Matty Thompson here is that I feel your pain. Sports injuries are one of the worst things a fan has to endure. I remember when Jeter went down during last years ALCS and then we got flat out embarrassed by the Tigers. Pretty sure I drank myself into oblivion for about a week straight. Now they are saying he won't be back until after the All Star Break. When I heard that my initial reaction was to take the three hour drive from Albany to NYC and file a summons, and complaint, in the Southern District court in Manhattan. But it is important to take a step back and realize that these athletes are only human, and besides a few notable exceptions (AP, Metta World Peace), these things generally take a long time to heal.

Despite not being able to take his SAT without assistance, Derek Rose is a smart guy. It's Bron's year anyway. He knows it, Thibs knows it, everyone knows it. Might as well pack it up for the year and try again next season. No need to start having mental breakdowns and eating yourself half to death. I know it must be tough considering you were privy to the Jordan era in Chicago, but for God's sake pull yourself together bro. 

-Bacon (@JohnnyCochranJr)

2lb Joint Confiscated At 4/20 Event In Santa Cruz

These guys just redefined the phrase "GO BIG OR GO HOME". Unfortunately, it looks like they'll be "going home" empty handed.

(images via reddit)

Friday, April 19, 2013

A Rivalry Reincarnated

"It's a rivalry?"

Paul Pierce posed the question in 2010, and justifiably so. The Knicks and Celtics are two of the NBA’s original teams from the league’s inception in 1946, yet, for most of their collective history, they haven’t been true rivals. The most rivalrous thread that seems to run through their lineage is that they’re both a part of the inherent New York-Boston feud that exists across all professional sports.

The lack of great Knicks-Celtics moments from 1946 to 2010 is mostly a result of the Knicks checkered history. The two teams have been members of the NBA’s Atlantic division since the 1970-71 season. In that time, Boston has won the division crown 21 times. New York? Only 5. The Knicks and Celtics have met 512 times during the regular season, with the Celtics leading the series by more than 100 games, 276 to 175.

Boston has raised 17 championship banners. The first 11 came during the 13-year period known as The Bill
Russell Era.

From 1957 to 1969, the Celtics failed to make the Finals only once (1967, Wilt Chamberlain's prime). They were victorious in all but one of the twelve NBA Finals they appeared in (1958, when Russell was injured in Game 3). During that same 13 year span, the Knicks finished with a winning record only three times, and from 1960-1967, averaged a pathetic 27 wins per season.

Boston and New York shared mutual success in the early 1970’s. The Knicks won the title in 1970 and 1973, the only two in their history. The 1973 Eastern Conference Finals was a classic. New York went up three games to none before Boston won three straight to force a Game 7, only to lose to the eventual champion Knicks. The Celtics bounced back quickly, as is their nature, by winning the title the next season.

In the 1980’s, Larry Bird’s Celtics dominated the Eastern Conference, and despite the scoring prowess of Bernard King, the Knicks were a footnote in a decade loaded with historical greatness. The 1980’s Celtics won three NBA Championships. The 1980’s Knicks won three playoff series, and never made it out of the second round.

A 1990 First Round Playoffs match-up saw Patrick Ewing's Knicks dispatch Larry Bird’s Celtics, symbolic of a changing of the guard on the Eastern seaboard. Despite winning more than 50 games in the 1990-91 and 1991-92 seasons, Boston could no longer contend for the Eastern Conference crown, and was doomed for a decade of shameful irrelevance, including seasons of 15 and 19 wins respectively.

By contrast, the 1990’s saw the Knicks emerge as a perennial powerhouse, experiencing the most extended period of excellence in franchise history. New York won two Eastern Conference Championships, and their run of 10 consecutive winning seasons ended in 2002. That same season, Boston began a streak of four straight playoff appearances led by Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker, and after a brief let up eventual formed the Big 3 and won the 2008 NBA Finals. Meanwhile, New York took Boston’s place as the Atlantic Division’s bottom-feeder, with the woefully talented Stephan Marbury as their marquee player. That’s more than half a century of NBA history with only a few sentences of Boston-New York rivalry to speak of. That is, until the summer of 2010, when the NBA changed forever.

On July 5th, three days before The Decision, The New York Knicks agreed in principle to pay Amar’e Stoudemire $99.7 million to be their starting power forward for the next five seasons. The Knicks primary target was LeBron James, but in what was believed to be a response to the Celtics dominance of the previous two NBA seasons, King James took his talents to South Beach to join Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, and the rest is recent history.

That didn’t derail the Knicks from their plan of regaining relevance in the Eastern Conference for the first time since the Clinton Administration. New York was 16-9, winners of eight straight before Paul Pierce and the Celtics came to town. That’s when Pierce asked the question that New York and Boston had been waiting for decades to answer:

"It's a rivalry?" The Celtics captain grinned with contempt, both for the question and for his upcoming opponent. The Celtics were 19-4, on their own ten-game winning streak, and seemingly unafraid of Mike D’Antoni’s new-look Knicks. The two teams had met previously in the second game of the season, but now, there was much more than a W on the line. Integrity had been called into question. Pride had been placed at stake, and all because of three simple words: "It's a rivalry?” Competitive balance doesn’t always create a rivalry. More often, stakes do. And on that day in 2010, a story with a 64-year prelude finally began.

Chapter 1: The Buzzer Beater That Wasn't

December 15th, 2010

"We definitely earned their respect. I guarantee you right now, Boston respects us. We're no slouch. We're ready to play every night. Boston knows it."-Amar’e Stoudemire

The Backstory:

For the first time in two decades, The Knicks and Celtics met under the supervision of a national audience, with Madison Square Garden serving as the battleground. Rivalry talk fueled the fire, but the success of both teams made it as significant as a December regular season basketball game could be.

The Highlights:

Emblematic of perhaps his best month in the NBA, Amar’e scored 39 points emphatically against a Celtics defense known for protecting the paint. It extended Stoudemire’s streak to nine games with 30 or more points.

The Knicks led the entire 2nd half until Ray Allen knocked down a corner 3 with 1:03 left. Danillo Gallinari tied the game with a finger roll that incited this reaction from Spike Lee.

Paul Pierce, in the closing seconds of the most meaningful game MSG had seen in nearly a decade, hit a step-back, fade-away jumper that can only be described as Jordan-esque.

Most Memorable For:

Amar’e Stoudemire, with only .4 seconds to work with, buried a catch-and-shoot 3-pointer that electrified both the New York bench and home crowd with irrational optimism. The shot was waived off, and Boston held on to win an uncharacteristically high-scoring affair, 118-116.

The Result:

The Celtics extended their winning streak, but it was clear to all parties involved that something meaningful had been initiated.

Chapter 2: The Bloody Game

March 21st, 2011

"It was a good win. A bloodbath, but I thought it was beautiful." –Doc Rivers

The Backstory:

MELO!!!!!! Exactly one month before this unforgettable late-season slugfest, New York traded four of their core players and three draft picks to acquire All-Star Carmelo Anthony. However, the excitement for Anthony’s arrival was mitigated by New York’s 7-8 record in his first 15 games, characterized by inconsistent leadership and an inability to gel with D’Antoni, Stoudemire, and what was left of the Knicks’ roster. By stark contrast, Boston had spent the last month battling Miami and Chicago for the best record in the Eastern Conference. The Celtics were mostly healthy (sans Shaquille O’Neal), and confidentially seeking their 50th win of the season.

The Highlights:

A low scoring game, void of many graceful basketball plays. The Knicks led by as many as 15 in the early going, and controlled the 1st half. The 2nd act, however, belonged solely to the C’s. Anthony and Stoudemire failed to record a field goal in the 4th quarter, and Boston scored the last 10 points of the game to seal a 96-86 victory.

Most Memorable For:

There’s a reason why this will forever be known as “The Bloody Game”. Late in the 3rd quarter, a Jared Jeffries elbow to the head gashed Ray Allen above the right eye. Then in the 4th quarter, Carmelo and Rondo collided, and Melo was left hemorrhaging at mid-court in MSG. After all was said and done, Allen and Anthony combined for 12 stitches.

The Result:

The Celtics won the battle and the war. The Knicks showed early on that they could assert themselves offensively, but Boston’s poise and pedigree in the 4th quarter proved to be too much for a New York team still struggling to find its chemistry. To add injury to insult, their newly-acquired star player was left with something to remember the Celtics by. The scar above his left eye still exists as a humbling reminder of his initiation to the Eastern Conference.

Chapter 3: The Sweep

April 17th – April 24th, 2011

"Down the stretch we found a way to win, and that was because of our experience." –Paul Pierce

The Backstory:

This 3-6 match-up in the East was the apple of every NBA fan’s eye going into the 1st round of the 2011 Playoffs. Perhaps the two most entertaining games of the regular season had been between the Knicks and Celtics, and this series was expected to be more of the same. The Celtics made a late season trade of their own, essentially shipping Kendrick Perkins to OKC for Jeff Green. Many believed the C’s were giving up on Perkins because of his surgically repaired knee, but Boston contended that they needed Jeff Green to spell minutes for Pierce and Allen. Interior defense had been such a staple of Boston’s recent playoff success, that some wondered if GM Danny Ainge had traded away the Celtics’ chance at the 2011 NBA crown. The Knicks aim was to put New York hoops back on the map by taking on the toughest bully on the block in their first playoff appearance since 2004.

Game 1:

The Celtics trailed by one point in the final minute until Ray “Jesus Shuttlesworth” Allen hit a game-winning 3-pointer with 11.6 seconds left to push Boston to an 87-85 home victory. The Knicks also lost Chauncey Billups to injury late in the 4th quarter, leaving a major hole at the point guard position.

Game 2:

Between Amar’e hurting himself dunking in the lay-up line before the game, and Carmelo going for 42 points and 17 boards, New York ran the gamut of emotions in Game 2. However, Boston’s depth and experience again prevailed as Kevin Garnett scored the game’s final bucket and then stole a Jared Jeffries pass to seal a 96-93 win.

Game 3:

Paul Pierce and Ray Allen combined for 70 points, shooting an astounding 14-19 from beyond the arc. Rondo added his 6th career playoff triple-double (15 points, 11 boards, 20 assists!), and the Knicks walked solemnly off of their home floor down 3-0 after a 113-96 rout.

Game 4:

With hope dangling by a thin thread, the Knicks 2nd unit cut the Celtics lead from 23 points down to four midway through the 4th quarter. Somehow, Boston held off the dynamic backcourt combo of Anthony Carter and Toney Douglas, and completed their first playoff sweep of the Garnett-Pierce-Allen-Rondo era.

Most Memorable For:

This quote by Mike D’Antoni: "The biggest thing right off the bat . . . Boston today is a better team than we are in every sense of the word.”

Eloquent. Surprising that he’s lost 10 of the last 11 playoff games he’s coached…

The Result:

The Knicks still hadn’t won a playoff game since 2001. The Celtics went on to lose to their newest foe, the Miami Heat, in five games in the Conference Semis that ended abruptly when Rajon Rondo dislocated his elbow. The Knicks had made great strides since the previous summer to compete with the best teams in the East, but still had their work cut out for them if they wanted to be considered a true contender.

Chapter 4: Christmas Day

December 25th, 2011

"Last year is in the past. This is a new beginning for us. What better way to start it off than today?" – Carmelo Anthony

The Backstory:

The narrative of the NBA off-season wasn’t Dirk’s dominance in The Finals or LeBron’s disappearing act in multiple 4th quarters. It was the owners locking out the players, and causing nearly two months’ worth of games to be cancelled. The players eventually took the best worst deal the league had to offer, and it was agreed that a compressed 66-game schedule would begin on Christmas Day. What would be the first game of the augmented season? Knicks-Celtics at 12 o’clock noon at Madison Square Garden. The Knicks amnestied Chauncey Billups to make room for Tyson Chandler, who’d anchored the Mavericks championship defense the previous June. The Celtics began the season without an injured Paul Pierce, but Rajon Rondo and his relocated elbow appeared ready to pick up the slack.

The Highlights:

Boston battled for 48 minutes, propelled by Rondo’s 31 points and 13 dimes, and Brandon Bass added 20 points and 11 bounds in his Celtics debut.

Carmelo Anthony, in true Carmelo Anthony fashion, scored 37 to kick off his first full season in New York. Combined with Stoudemire’s 21 points and Chandler’s six blocks, the Knicks showed their ceiling as a team built from the inside out.

Most Memorable For:

Kevin Garnett missing a jumper at the end of regulation, then grabbing Bill Walker by the neck as the two teams walked off the court, evidence that the Knicks had truly gotten under Boston’s skin.

The Result:

Another Knicks-Celtics game meant more bad blood, although this time, not literally. Elbows were thrown, players were separated, technicals were given out like stocking stuffers, and the NBA got even more than they bargained for in the inaugural game of their shortened season. After going 0-8 against Boston in the year prior, New York finally took a bite out of Beantown.

Chapter 5: Linsanity Faces The Truth/ Here’s ‘Jonny

March 4th, 2012

"He's the smartest point guard I've ever been around. He's a brilliant player." –Doc Rivers

The Backstory:

LINSANITY!!! With Amar’e and Melo sidelined due to injury, Jeremy Lin came onto the scene and spun New York’s season around. The Knicks were 8-15, losers of 11 of their last 13. Then, on February 4 th, Jeremy Lin entered stage left and exploded for 25 points and 7 assists against the Nets. In a few weeks’ time, Lin started an international phenomenon that turned the sports world on its side and made the entire city of New York basically forget that the Giants had just WON THE FREAKING SUPER BOWL!! In 12 starts before the All-Star break, Lin averaged 22.5 points and 8.7 assists, and the Knicks posted a 9–3 record. The question loomed about how Carmelo Anthony would fit into the Lin-centric offense that New York had created on-the-fly. In just his 5 th game back, Melo would have to prove his critics wrong against a Boston team gaining momentum after an abysmal February slide.

The Highlights:

The Knicks took control and set the pace for nearly the entire first half. Boston ratcheted up their defense, and allowed only 16 points in the 3rd quarter. The 4th quarter was highly contested, and Anthony and Lin both knocked down big shots in the final two minutes, giving the Knicks a modest lead.

Most Memorable For:

A vintage Paul Pierce game-tying three-pointer. The Truth came around a screen, pump faked, and when Shumpert didn’t bite, Pierce leaned right and hit an off balance, no doubt three-ball to send the game to overtime. "I don't know if that's execution. That's having a horseshoe up your rear," Mike D'Antoni lamented after the game.

The Result:

Rondo played a part in every Celtics point scored in overtime, collecting five points, five rebounds and two assists, and Boston held off New York to extend their four-game winning streak. Jonny had almost two triple-doubles, recording 18 points, 20 assists and a career-high 17 rebounds. The only other players to post figures that high in all three categories? Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain. Lin, the more highly-publicized point guard, got into foul trouble early, and finished with 14 points, five assists and six turnovers in 32 minutes.

This would be the last significant game between the two teams in the lockout-shortened season. The Knicks lost to the Heat in five games, but not before winning their first playoff game in 11 years. The Celtics took that same Heat team to the brink of elimination in the Eastern Conference Finals, but LeBron James and The Heatles showed the hearts of champions by winningvgames 6 and 7 to send Boston packing. In the same way that the Bird-Ewing matchups of the early 90’s were overshadowed by the greatness of Michael Jordan, history may brush aside the 2010-2013 battles between the modern Knicks and Celtics in acknowledgment of LeBron James. Although, folks in New York and Boston surely won’t forget any time soon.

Chapter 6: Honey Nut Cheerios

January 7th 2013

"Listen, heat of the battle, man. Guys go back and forth. He's trying to get his team to go, I'm trying to get my team to go, both teams are colliding, not to mention that it's the Knicks and the Celtics. Just what it is.” –Kevin Garnett

The Backstory:

The Knicks started off the 2012-2013 season red hot. With the addition of veteran leader Jason Kidd, an entire off-season to get their core players on the same page and some of the best 3-point shooting in NBA history, their 23-10 start surprised even the most optimistic New Yorkers. At that same time, Boston was experiencing life without Ray Allen, who defected to the defending champion Miami Heat. With Rondo out due to a suspension, The Celtics were hovering around .500, and their fans were left wondering how to feel about what Bob Ryan called “The sixth year of a three year plan”. However, as is true with all great rivalries, the outside circumstances rarely, if ever, matter when the Knicks play the Celtics. Season records, standings, injuries, and matchups are ignored after the opening tip, and the pride at stake is the only thing that matters. When dignity is called into question, when lines are crossed, and when business becomes personal are when rivalries are truly solidified.

The Highlights:

Points were scored, assists and rebounds were tallied, but the true highlights came with Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Garnett battling on the low block.

At first, it seemed like Melo was taking exception to KG’s aggressive bumping near the basket. However, as the T’s were dished out, it became clearer than Garnett had done something to get into Anthony’s psyche that could only be resolved with words.

Boston won, and after the game, reports surfaced that Carmelo waited outside the Celtics’ team bus for Garnett. Anthony was suspended for one game by the NBA, and the sports community was left wondering what exactly it was that incited such a reaction from the Knicks best player.

Most Memorable For:

On January 9th, Black Sports Online, a website specializing in gossip and outrageous content, ran a blog post with the headline Kevin Garnett Allegedly Told Carmelo Anthony His Wife Tastes Like Honey Nut Cheerios. Writer and founder Robert Littal neglected to cite a source, but did state that people at his site "...have confirmed the jab with several sources who were in attendance.”

Anthony did tell reporters, “There’s certain things that you just don’t say to men, another man. I felt like we crossed a line. But like I said, we both had an understanding right now, we handled it the way we handled it. Nobody needs to know what was said behind closed doors, so that situation was handled.”

Melo served his suspension begrudgingly, and claims that the conflict between him and Garnett is over. He and his wife, Lala have publically joked about the cereal-related rumor, but the vitriol exchanged on the court is still the most relevant artifact in the story.

On January 24th, The Knicks went to Boston to play the Celtics, and there were multiple reports of security confiscating nearly 150 signs and cereal boxes pertaining to Honey Nut Cheerios.

Yet another instance of KG crossing the line with trash talk, another example of Boston sports fans ruthlessly ribbing an opposing player, and even another inciting incident in the operatic three-year history of the Celtics-Knicks rivalry.

Chapter 7: The Tables Have Turned

Just as in 2011, the Knicks and Celtics will square off in the first round of the Eastern Conference Playoffs. This time, however, the Knicks are the higher seed, a 50-game winner who will host the first two games in their building. The Celtics will be without their star point guard, as the Knicks were two years ago, as Rajon Rondo tore his right ACL midway through this season. Instead of Ray Allen playing the role of x-factor, lights-out shooter, and long-range threat, JR Smith, the favorite for 6th Man of the Year, will likely take on that role for the Knicks.

Much has changed since December of 2010, yet much remains the same. Kevin Garnett will still anchor the Celtics notoriously gritty defense. Paul Pierce will still be their go-to scorer in the closing minutes of every 4th quarter. Doc Rivers will still push his team to be the toughest group on the floor.

For the Knicks, who seem to have finally built a team to fully compliment the skills of Carmelo Anthony, defensive commitment and offensive creativity will remain their only hindrances. While they may be without Amar’e Stoudemire, this is nothing the Knicks haven’t gotten used to around playoff time, thanks to a pregame dunk and a losing bought with a glass fire extinguisher case.

Rivalry, especially in the Eastern Conference Playoffs, has been the cornerstone of entertainment and importance in the NBA. It delivers that additional motivation to a series with so much riding on it already. It creates an electricity in the arena, so pervasive that it travels through your TV set. It provides the indescribable feeling that history is unraveling right in front of your eyes. When the Knicks and Celtics square off in the 2013 playoffs, another chapter of that history will be written.

-John Fontanelli (@JohnAnthony37)

I Want To Get This Insane Sorority Girl's E-Mail Tatted On My Rib Cage

Attention girls out there- Are you mentally slow? Do you act fucking weird at sports games? Do you have trouble comprehending the rules of kickball? Are you a "boner" at social events? Do you get awkward when you talk to boys? Do you boast about post gaming at fraternities other than the one you're currently mixing with? Do you occasionally cheer for colleges other than your own?

Well if you answered "yes" to any of the questions above, chances are Rebecca Martinson, of Delta Gamma's Maryland University chapter, would like to cunt punt you.

Here's the viral, profanity ridden e-mail she sent to her sorority sisters who have allegedly been fucking up (in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu): 

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.
"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:
I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

Now I gotta admit, I found this to be absolutely hysterical. That is until I remembered that it wasn't a satirical piece, and that this is the way she actually speaks to people whom she voluntarily pays to hang out with. 
Anywho, here's to hoping last night's mixer went swimmingly!
-fresh (@danye33)