Monday, September 30, 2013

Week 5 Waiver Wire Pickups

Nate Washington, WR, Titans- Week 4 Stats: 4 rec, 105 rec yds, 2 rec TDs

Washington stayed hot in the Titans 38-13 smackdown of the Jets, making the most of his team high eight targets and finishing up the afternoon with 105 receiving yards and a pair of touchdowns. Tennessee shares the top spot in the AFC South with Indianapolis, and the undrafted wide receiver out of Tiffin is a big reason why. Jack Locker left the game with a hip injury that could have him sidelined for the next few weeks, but Ryan Fitzpatrick filled in nicely, connecting with Washington on a 77 yard TD pass in the fourth quarter. Even with the Locker injury, Nate the great is a worthy flex play moving forward. 

Alshon Jeffery, WR, Bears- Week 4 Stats: 5 rec, 107 rec yds, 1 rec TD

Sunday's five catch, 107 yard performance is exactly the type of game fantasy owners have been hoping to get out of Jeffery for the past two years. The Bears got down early to the red hot Lions, and were forced to throw the ball more than they would have probably liked to, with Alshon being the main beneficiary. It's an encouraging sign moving forward, and with two of his next three games coming against some of the worst secondaries in the league (Giants, Redskins), penciling him in as your WR3 is not a bad move at all. 

Brian Hoyer, QB, Browns- Week 4 Stats: 25 of 38 for 269 pass yards, 2 pass TDs

Hoyer is the latest Brady disciple to make the most of his starting opportunities elsewhere, taking the Browns from worst to first in the AFC North in just two weeks. He's completing close to 60% of his passes for nearly 600 yards and 5 TDs in his two starts, and has a strangle hold on the starting job regardless of Brandon Weeden's health. Hoyer to Cameron is the 2013 equivalent of Brady to Gronk. He's by no means a top 10 guy (yet), but he is someone who you can feel comfortable starting in a 2 QB league, or as a bye week fill in. 

Roy Helu, RB, Redskins- Week 4 Stats: 13 car, 41 rush yds, 1 rush TD, 2 rec, 43 rec yds 

Keep in mind that the Skins are on bye in week 5, but with Alfred Morris dinged up with a bruised rib fantasy owners should be licking at the chops for a chance to snag Helu. The third year back out of Nebraska is more than capable to duplicate The Butler's numbers if the opportunity presents itself, and he's a much better pass catcher out of the backfield. He's not someone who you be starting in fantasy unless he gets the start on the field, but he's certainly someone worth owning just in case. 

Rashad Jennings, RB, Raiders- Week 4 Stats: 15 car, 45 rush yds, 8 rec, 71 rec yds

With Run DMC making his annual trip to the injury report, and Marcel Reece out with a knee injury, Jennings should see upwards of 20 touches when the Raiders face the Chargers on Sunday. He made the most of his opportunities in Oakland's 24-14 loss to the Redskins on Sunday, finishing up with 45 yards on the ground and a team high 71 receiving yards. You can consider him a worthy flex play, or low end RB2 play in deeper leagues for the immediate future. 

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, September 27, 2013

Week 4 NFL Picks Column

Listen up everybody we've got good news, and we've got bad news. The bad news is I got sick this week, missed work, and have a doctors appointment later on this afternoon. The good news is, depending on the outcome of the visit, I should be able to laugh at myself for your enjoyment in next week's picks column.

But for now, I'm making sure to tread lightly.

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (0-3) Indy -8 over Jax

It's almost like you guys forgot that this was ANTI-lock pick of the week. So if you've been going against my picks each week you'd find yourself up 3x your initial investment. I'm gonna keep the gold coming by advising you to put all your schillings on the Colts to run wild in the swamps of Jacksonville.

This one's going to get ugly, but at least Jags fans will get to enjoy free beers

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne

Keytwitty (9-6) Bal -3.5, Indy -8, Wash -3.5, S.F. -3, N.O. -6.5

Watch The Throne 

Dough Boy (8-7) Bal -3.5, K.C. -4, N.E +1.5, Cincy -4.5, Dal -2

Cambo (6-8-1) NYJ +4, Sea -3, Indy -8, N.E. +1.5, Chi +3

J Fonts (6-9)  Minn +1, Sea -3, Ari +3, Chi +3, Atl +1.5

Gary (6-9) S.F. -3, Mia +6.5, Sea -3, Dal -2, K.C. -4

Danye (5-9-1)  NYJ +4, S.F. -3, K.C. -4, Den -10.5, Chi +3

Miggs (5-10) Bal -3.5, Cincy -4.5, Indy -8, Sea -3, Chi +3

Chooch (5-10) Bal -3.5, Cincy -4.5, Indy -9, NYG +4, Tenn -4

The Mush

Flem (3-10-2) Bal -3.5, Indy -8, Sea -3, Philly +10.5, Dal -2

Obscure Gif of the Week /  Real Life Simpsons

Babe of the Week / Elijah Dushku

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Mo's Farewell 

Gametime Snack Of The Week- Salsa Guacamole


Chief Keef was arrested for missing his child support hearing and will not be giving out fantasy advice this week.

-fresh (@danye33)

The Sooners Hope To Get Some Red Dead Redemption On Notre Dame- It's Your Week 5 CFB Talk With Chooch

Back after a week away for work. It’s not as though we missed much last weekend though, which featured one of the worst slates of games I’ve ever seen, including several jokers featuring FCS teams in games that should never be played. The sport bounces back this week though with a bunch of intriguing and important games.

Week 5 Preview 

Game of the Week 

LSU at Georgia- The Bulldogs’ brutal first month of the season comes to a close this week against LSU. Georgia will have played 3 top 10 teams in its first 4 games. Despite the opening night loss to Clemson though, Georgia can put itself in a prime spot to contend for an appearance in the title game with a win this week over visiting LSU. A 1 loss SEC champion would jump an undefeated Louisville, without question. LSU on the other hand has been flying under the radar after its opening week win over TCU. The Tigers look formidable, with tons of talent on the lines and at running back (like every year). A win this week could launch LSU to another national championship run, with Alabama and Texas A&M the two big games remaining.

Others Games to Watch 

Wisconsin at Ohio State- The Buckeyes’ weak schedule is one of the biggest impediments to their reaching the title game. They’ll have a chance this week for a signature win in primetime against the Badgers, who come in at 3-1 (but should really be 4-0 if Pac-12 officials were competent) and the biggest threat to OSU in the Big Ten leaders division. Ohio State’s defense hasn’t been tested yet by a power running team like Wisconsin, so how they match up in the front 7 will be key and should provide an indication as to how good they really are. Braxton Miller is expected to start, but backup Kenny Guiton has been tremendous the past few weeks, so the QB should be excellent regardless. I smell a Buckeyes blowout.

Ole Miss at Alabama- Some pundits have been down on the Tide this season due to lackluster performances from certain units, even in wins. Against Virginia Tech, the offense sputtered. Against A&M, the defense was shredded. Last week vs. Colorado State, the whole team was sluggish. Still, all Nick Saban does is win, and that shouldn’t change this week, even against an up-and-coming program like Ole Miss. Keep an eye on WR Laquon Treadwell and DE Robert Nkemdiche for the Rebels; they’ll be playing on Sundays in a few years.

Oklahoma at Notre Dame- The Sooners get another crack at the Irish after last year’s closer-than-the-score-would-indicate 30-13 loss in Norman. Last game vs. Tulsa, quarterback Blake Bell really came on for the Sooners, showing that he’s more than just a big runner. Look for him and OU’s always talented stable of receivers to put pressure on an underperforming Irish secondary. Notre Dame will need to put up some points to win, and relying on Tommy Rees to be Peyton Manning out there isn’t the way to do it. The Irish must commit to establishing a running game against a smaller Big 12 defense that was built to stop spread passing attacks. Yours truly will be attending this game and yelling the whole time if that is not the gameplan.

Stanford at Washington State- The Cardinal looked outstanding last week against Arizona State, but now they travel to Seattle to play Washington State in the same stadium in which they lost to Washington last season. Mike Leach may have a few tricks up his sleeve for this one, and he’ll need them against a physical Stanford team that runs the football the way I wish Notre Dame would.

Heisman Watch

1. Teddy Bridgewater-QB-Louisville: Another week, more monster stats for Bridgewater.

2. Tajh Boyd-QB-Clemson: Wasn’t great against NC State, but that Georgia win is still the best of the season.

3. Johnny Manziel-QB-Texas A&M: More monster stats for Manziel. At LSU will be his chance for the Heisman moment.

4. Marcus Mariota-QB-Oregon: Oregon has flown a little under the radar, but what Mariota is doing at the QB position there is incredible. The offense can’t be stopped.

-Chooch (@MRCianciulli)

Keytwitty's Week 5 CFB Power Rankings

Teams in my top 10 will be tested this week. No more soft non-conference games. BTW S/O to the Mountain West Conference!

10) Georgia - I would like to welcome the Bulldogs back into my top 10! But they have a huge game against LSU this Saturday. Georgia has always been able to bounce back strong after early season stumbles.
Last Week - Not Ranked

9) Stanford - If a Stanford tree falls in the woods does the rest of the Pac-12 hear it? With all this talk about speed and spread offenses in college football, Stanford has the most physical team in the NCAA.
Last Week - #10

8) Florida State - Has ACC conference play started yet? But it might be time for Chooch to put Jameis Winston on his Heisman watch list!
Last Week - #6

7) Louisville - S/O to the American Athlete Conference! The league that Louisville plays in. 
Last Week - #7

6) Miami - Covered a 61.5 point spread. Any team that can do that is focused on Vegas and the BCS.
Last Week - #8

5) Ohio State - So which QB starts this week? Braxton Miller is cleared to play. The Buckeyes will start their quest for a Big 10 Title Saturday night against a good Wisconsin team.
Last week - #4

4) LSU - The Tigers will have another big game this week, but this time against Georgia. If you love magic tricks, then LSU is the team to watch.
Last Week - #5

3) Clemson - The best team in America that nobody talks about! The defense is also starting to come along for the Tigers.
Last Week - #3

2) Oregon - The Student section at home game games have been chanting "WE WANT BAMA' . Ducks just need to worry about the Pac-12 first then their BCS chances. 
Last Week - #2

1) Alabama - A lot of sports reporters (not me) think that 'Bama is on upset alert against Ole Miss, but I say #ROLLTIDE
Last Week - #1

-Keytwitty (@Keytwitty)

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

My Quarter-Life Crisis Involves Rocking Out To Chick Singers

Miley Cyrus- "Wrecking Ball"

Lana Del Ray- "Summertime Sadness"

Lorde- "Royals" 

Sorry, I'm not sorry. Desperate times on the overnight shift call for desperate measures.

-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, September 23, 2013

Week 4 Waiver Wire Pickups

Jake Locker, QB, Titans- Week 3 Stats: 23 of 37 for 299 pass yds, 1 pass TD, 5 car for 68 rush yds, 1 rush TD

Locker got the job done on the ground and in the air in the Titans 20-17 come from behind win over the Chargers. He completed seven passes to six different receivers on the 94 yard, game winning drive. Capped off by a 34 yard touchdown bomb to rookie Justin Hunter with just 15 seconds left. Tennessee is approaching a rough stretch of games (Jets, Chiefs, at Seahawks), but Jake's got a big arm and could be a serviceable fill-in starter with bye weeks rapidly approaching.

Santonio Holmes, WR, Jets- Week 3 Stats: 5 rec, 154 rec yds, 1 rec TD

Heading into this season it was uncertain whether or not we would ever see the Santonio Holmes of old, but after a breakout performance (5 for 154 and a score) in New York's 27-20 win over Buffalo, it appears he's got his swagger back. Jets' receivers are going to be frustratingly inconsistent throughout the season due to the fact that Geno Smith is going to have his good days and bad days, but its encouraging to see that Holmes still has the potential for a breakout game.

Jason Snelling, RB, Falcons- Week 3 Stats: 11 car, 53 rush yds, 4 rec, 58 rec yds, 1 rec TD

It appears that Snelling, not Jacquizz Rodgers, is the fantasy back to target in Atlanta whenever Steven Jackson is sidelined. The seventh year back out of Virginia finished up the day with over 110 all purpose yards, had the second most receptions on the team, and saw the lion's share of their red zone workload in their 27-23 loss to the Dolphins. Jackson is expected to miss the next two games with a thigh injury making Snelling a sneaky flex play, especially in PPR leagues.

Donnie Avery, WR, Chiefs- Week 3 Stats: 7 rec, 141 rec yds

The Chiefs check-downed their way to a 26-16 victory in head coach Andy Ried's return to Philadelphia Thursday night. Quarterback Alex Smith linked up with wide out Donnie Avery seven times for 141 yards, while their number one option, Dwayne Bowe, finished up with a measly one catch for nine yards. Its clear that Smith is playing it safe, avoiding deep throws and instead looking for the easy targets. If that style of play continues, Avery stands to be the clear beneficiary.

Ahmad Bradshaw, RB, Colts- Week 3 Stats: 19 car, 95 rush yds, 1 rush TD, 3 rec, 16 rec yds

Trent Richardson who? Chances are someone in your league panic-dropped the veteran back after the Colts traded a first round pick for their running back of the future last week. But that didn't stop Bradshaw from running all over one of alleged best run defenses in the league yesterday, in Indy's 27-7 win in San Francisco. Ahmad will continue to see plenty of action, especially in obvious passing situations. I wouldn't advise starting Bradshaw, but he certainly is worthy of a roster spot and can be owned in more than a quarter of all leagues.

-fresh (@danye33)

Bad Idea of the Day: Researchers Trying to Reduce Individual's Phobias With Treatment While They Sleep

(BBC) US researchers suggest smells could be used to calm fears - while people sleep. People were trained to associate two images, linked to smells, with fear. During sleep they were exposed to one of those smells - and when they woke they were less frightened of the image linked to that smell.

A UK expert praised the Nature Neuroscience study and said it could help treat phobias and perhaps even post-traumatic stress disorders.

People with phobias are already commonly treated with "gradual exposure" therapy while they are awake, where they are exposed to the thing they are frightened of in incremental degrees.
This study suggests that the theory could be extended to therapy while they are in slow-wave, or deep, sleep

Now, I'm just a simple country blogger, not one of these fancy scientists with "hypotheses" or "ideas". Maybe making people smell fear while they sleep will help reduce their fears when they're awake. Who knows? Not me. But, uh, did anyone think that maybe exposing people to scary smells could lead to the worst nightmares imaginable?

Let's use me for an example. I'm afraid of caterpillars/centipedes. I don't know why, and yes I know it's a stupid thing to be afraid of. (Side note: I love when someone tries to tell me that I shouldn't be afraid of something. You're totally right! It never occurred to me that this was a completely irrational fear. If only I knew that I shouldn't be afraid of it sooner! Thank you for curing my phobia.) My phobia doesn't play any role in my day to day life; my crazy is under control. I live in a city where rats eat all of the bugs so I've got that going for me.

But in my dreams? My dreams are an all out battleground.  And your suggestion to fixing my awake fears, which I have under control, are to introduce more fear into my dreams? Pass.

-Joe Turner (@Joe_Turner00)

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Did A Barstool Sports Commenter Admit To Raping A Girl In The Comment Section Of Their #BarstoolConfessions Post?

(click to enlarge)

Barstool Sports, the smut blog-turned-underage-EDM-bubble bath-concert throwers, has come under fire over the years for the way they objectify women. Groups such as Knockout Barstool have even been formed to protest the "rape culture" they claim the site, lead by 30-something blogger, David Portnoy, portrays. But if a recent comment left on their weekly Confessions post is to be believed, the haters might be on to something. 

In the post, which runs each Friday, users are encouraged to confess some of their darkest secrets. They usually involve masturbation in some form or another, and occasionally touch on fecal matter or petty larceny. But this week there was one comment in particular, from Barstool user "springboard," that stood out from the typical filth. 

In the comment, the man, who does not disclose his age, boasts about the time he was having sex with a girl who asked to stop because she didn't feel good, and then proceeded to finish rape her while she laid there unconscious. Here's the comment in its entirety:
"I used to fuck this girl in college she was ok looking but an absolute dead fish in bed.. One of those gets wicked fucked up off of 2 beers. Senior year we fucked when I was desperate and she probably banged guys the that night before me who the fuck knows. Not my proudest moment. Night before graduation she was moving to Cali and I was fucked up so we decide to do it one more time.. I fuck her for a little and she stops and says she doesn't feel good(aka I'm a bitch and am gonna pass out). So I let her pass out completely and literally finished. It has been years later with no child or rape charges, but not my finest moment in life"
Obviously there's no way to know whether this person is telling the truth or just trolling for upvotes, but if Portnoy has any moral compass left at all he would at least look into the e-mail address used to register the name and either reach out to him directly or notify authorities.

If not for the sake of his blog's reputation, but for a girl who was potentially raped, and mocked, on his site.

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, September 20, 2013

Week 3 NFL Picks Column

Two weeks into our Pick 'Em Pool and the one and only Keytwitty is sitting on top like a hair wig. This is the last week of the season before byes start up and immediately begin decimating your fantasy teams, so enjoy the full slate of games while you've got it! This time around the gang seems to agree that Minnesota giving 5.5 to the Browns is the lock of the century, seeing as the Cleveland has zero intention of fielding even a junior varsity caliber team.

Nothing to bitch about on my end, so enjoy this gif of a sad, portly, NC State fan playing with his nipple!

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (0-2) G-Men +1.5 in Carolina

I know I'm jinxing my team, but even the curse of the dreaded 2MW Anti-Lock pick can't stop Big Blue from going into Charlotte and laying the smack down on the Panthers' candy ass. Sans the Giants running game, these two teams are pretty much carbon copies of last year's version and if you remember correctly New York crushed them 36-7 on a Thursday night in this very arena. Victor Cruz declared this a "must win" game and I think the rest of the team will follow suit.

*Obligatory FUCK YOU to David Wilson. It's been almost a month since my fantasy draft and he STILL doesn't have a positive cumulative point total for the season. Brandon Jacobs stops eating Cheetos and banging hookers for three days and he gets in the end zone, meanwhile Tiki 2.0 can't hold on to a loaf of bread.

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne

Keytwitty (7-3) NYG +1.5, G.B. +2, Hou -2.5, Mia -2, Chi -2.5

Watch The Throne 

Dough Boy (6-4)  Minn -5.5, Det +1.5, Mia -2, St. Lou +3.5, Hou -2.5

Danye (4-6)  Minn -5.5, Atl +2, S.D. +3, Indy +10.5, NYG +1.5

Miggs (4-6) Minn -5.5, Bal +2.5, G.B. -2, NYG +1.5, Atl +2

Gary (4-6) Minn -5.5, G.B.-2, Car -1.5, Buff +2.5, N.E.-7

Chooch (4-6) Philly -3, Dal -3.5, NYG +1.5, Pitt +2.5, Atl +2

Cambo (3-7) S.D. +3, NYJ -2.5, N.O. -7.5, G.B. -2, N.E. -7

J Fonts (3-7) Minn -5.5, N.E. -7, Det +1.5, NYG +1.5, Cin +2

The Mush

Flem (1-8-1) Minn- 5.5, S.D. +3, Chi -2.5, NYJ -2.5, G.B. -2

Obscure Gif Of The Week / Psychedelic Cat

excited cat

Babe of the Week / Luz Elena Gonzalez

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Man Eats Apple In One Bite

Gametime Drinks For Jags Fans To Wallow In Their Sorrows With- Berry Mojito

Gametime Snack Of The Week- Ass Kicking Chili 

Ass-Kicking Chili

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Trent Richardson, RB, Colts

"Ayo, so the otha night I's was in the VIP getting some brains from this sweet lil thang named Tracey. She's doing her thing, playing with the stick like Ovechkin. Slobbin on the knob like some corn on the cob. She was good but she wasn't dynamite and I knew I wasn't gone bust. So what did I do? I made a trade. Grabbed this chick Jessica that had been giving my mans the business and told her to suck and swallow everything. Next thing you know? I came. 

See- sometimes in life trades work out for the best. All you needs is a little change of scenery! That's why I know the big homie T-Rich gonna eat and go back for seconds this weekend in San Fran. Bout to throw three hunna on it he gets in the end zone."

-fresh (@danye33)  

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Keytwitty's Week 4 CFB Power Rankings

10) Stanford - No east coast bias here. The Cards are ready to make a BCS Rose Bowl run.
Last week - NOT RANKED

9) Oklahoma - So I guess I should put a Big 12 team in my rankings at some point this season. The Big 12 as a whole doesn't believe in "DEFENSE". The Sooners will find a way to win 11 games and still look bad in a bowl game.
Last Week - NOT RANKED

8) Miami - If you're in your mid 20's, you gotta be smiling ear to ear to see "DA U" being relevant again.
Last Week -  #10

7) Louisville - The 'Ville can take a deep breath after beating the toughest team on their schedule- SEC cellar dwellers Kentucky. 
Last Week - #8

6) Florida State - FSU looks to be picking up the pace with their no-huddle offense this week. They can practice that game plan against Bethune-Cookman. S/O to the MEAC!
Last Week - #7

5) LSU - I can't wait to see the Tigers under the lights this weekend! A night game in Baton Rouge is always a great site for college football. Remember when Auburn had Cam Newton and was on top of the college football map? Good luck War Eagle. I am sure Les Miles will have a few tricks up his sleeve. 
Last Week - #6

4) Ohio State - Well the Buckeyes get to warm up with Florida A & M before they start their Big 10 schedule. S/O to the MEAC!
Last Week - #5

3) Clemson - Is on upset alert this week because playing at NC State is a trap game. I hope Clemson's BCS dreams don't turn into a nightmare on Thursday night!
Last Week - #3

2) Oregon - Great team speed to match the great uniforms. I sound like a girl loving a team because they have great jerseys. S/O to company that makes the Ducks jerseys. 
BTW no free Corporate advertising on the 2 man weave.
Last Week - #2

1) Alabama - Bama was able to avenge their loss to Johnny "Money" Manziel. I think the only thing that can stop Bama is the Nick Saban rumors of him going to Texas. 
Last Week- #1

-Twitty (@Keytwitty)

Breaking Down the Fantasy Implications of the Trent Richardson Trade

In a calculated move to build for their future, the Cleveland Browns agreed to trade their star running back, and #3 overall pick in the 2012 Draft, Trent Richardson, to the Indianapolis Colts for a future first round pick. The trade pretty much materialized out of thin air, and wasn't even discussed until the end of week 2’s games. The move shows that the Browns are dead set on entering another full-on rebuilding process, having now stockpiled 10 picks for the upcoming 2014 Draft (seven of which coming in the first four rounds). It also shows that the Colts are serious about making another push for the playoffs.

Now we know this trade is going to have big effect on the AFC standings, but how will it affect your fantasy team’s fate? The Weave investigates.  

Trent Richardson owners clearly emerge as the big winner from this deal. He joins an improved offense in desperate need of some new blood in the backfield. After a season-ending injury to Vick Ballard left them to chose between the over-the-hill Ahmad Bradshaw (7th season in the league) or the perennial backup, Donald Brown, as their go-to guy. The second year bruiser out of ‘Bama immediately becomes the franchise’s best back since the days of Edgerrin James, and should see upwards of 25 touches per game. Look for Richardson to form a good rapport with Andrew Luck, and capitalize on his newfound opportunity of going against defenses that aren’t putting eight men in the box to contain him.

With a career YPC of just 3.5 yards (making his 3.4 YPC in two games this year look more like a trend than an anomaly), Richardson still has a lot to prove before he can be considered one of the league’s premier backs. But getting out of Cleveland is a great start.

At this point in time the only Brown’s players worth owning in fantasy are tight end Jordan Cameron (14 rec, 203 rec yds so far in ’13) and wide receiver Josh Gordon. The latter of which is still an unproven commodity, and will be making his season debut this Sunday after being suspended for the first two games for testing positive for codeine.

Journeymen Chris Ogbonnaya and return man Bobby Rainey are the only backs that currently remain on the Brown’s depth chart, though veteran Willis McGahee is expected to be signed by week’s end. Regardless, this offense is not going to be pretty, especially with Brian Hoyer taking snaps under center. If and when McGahee signs, you can make the case that he is worth the roster spot for the sheer fact that he’ll get you 15-20 carries per game, but keep for your expectations realistic, and get excited for plenty of sub-70 yard performances.

The real fantasy winner that emerges from this trade is whatever defense is facing the Browns in a given week (first up- Minnesota!). Cleveland and Jacksonville are in full-on “Down for the Clown” mode (tank for Jadeveon Clowney), with Teddy Bridgewater serving as a nice consolation prize. It’s going to get a whole lot uglier for the Browns before it gets any better, so you might as well capitalize off the onslaught of ugliness that’s about to ensue. 

-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

The 60 Most Insightful Things I Learned Before My 25th Birthday (And The People I Learned Them From)

Last week, I was thinking about my upcoming 25th birthday, and I jotted down a list of the most insightful and memorable quotes, life lessons, and wise words I'd gathered in my 25 years. They came from every corner of my life, including family, friends, co-workers, teachers, television shows, movies, musicians, rappers, athletes, writers, politicians, talk show hosts, fortune cookies, and famous coaches. The most enriching gift I could receive on my birthday would be to share this collection of knowledge with you the reader, in hopes that you would find the truth, guidance, and humor in it that inspired me to create it.
To all the people whose names are on this list, thank you and I hope I didn't misquote you. To the people whose names aren't on this list, many of you made a powerful impact on my life in countless other ways. Enjoy!


1)       At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel. --Maya Angelou
2)      Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected. --Mahatma Gandhi
3)      A smile is the same in every language. –Katie Mahan
4)      The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. –Maya Angelou
5)      Women need 3 things: food, water and compliments. –Chris Rock
6)      Nothing said before the word “but” really counts. –Game of Thrones
7)      Beautiful women and sports make smart men dumb. –Colin Cowherd
8)      Only love can break your heart. –Neil Young
9)      Forget gifts given. Remember gifts received. –John Wooden
10)    Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die –Buddha
11)    Blood makes you related. Loyalty makes you family. –Anon.


12)   You'll never get what you deserve, only what you have the leverage to negotiate. –Jalen Rose
13)   Study like a coach, listen like a rookie. –Ray Lewis
14)   Career people shouldn’t talk about their career with job people. –Chris Rock
15)   Keep your mouth shut and work hard until people respect you. –Andrew Spina
16)   Good. Fast. Cheap. Pick two. –Andy Robinson
17)   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll be among the stars. –My Mother
18)   Every man’s life comes down to a struggle between his duty and his love. –Game of Thrones
19)   If you write about someone in an e-mail, expect them to see it. –Rob Light
20)  Tell people when they’re doing a good job. –Michael Morris
21)  To win a game of chess, you’ll always have to lose a few pieces. –Hunter Peebles
22)  Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life. –John Wooden
23)  Be more concerned with your character then your reputation. –John Wooden
24)  See everything through from A to Z. –Talin Parseghian


25)  Any problem that money can fix is not a real problem –Anon.
26)  The things you own end up owning you- Fight Club
27)  The prettiest people do the ugliest things, for the road to riches and diamond rings. –Kanye West
28)  The amount of wealth acquired in the United States from slavery is unquantifiable. –John Sosa
29)  More decisions are made about ego than money. –Richard Dubin


30) The bible is a collection of stories about ordinary people doing extraordinary things with the power of God. –Kurt Warner
31)  Whatever god you believe in, we come from the same one. –Macklemore
32)  Hell is not a place you go if you’re not a Christian. It’s the failure of your life’s greatest ambition. –Immortal Technique


33)  Cherish the little things, because one day you will look back and realize they were the really big things. – The wall inside of Dogtown Coffee
34)  Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be. –Abraham Lincoln
35)  You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you. –John Wooden
36)  The happiest people are those who do the most for others. –Booker T. Washington

Hard Work & Perseverance

37)  A person’s character is their destiny. –Fortune Cookie
38)  There’s no testimony without the test. –Crystal Kaliyma
39)  If you want something you’ve never had, do something you’ve never done- More Than A Game
40)  It’s not what you’re capable of, but what you’re willing to do. –Mike Tomlin
41)  A great leader is a servant first –Ray Lewis
42)  You are who you are in crisis – Colin Cowherd
43)  Never say never. The pain from the past makes the pleasure way better. You gotta feel the lowest lows to get the highest highs. –Wax
44)  Much can be accomplished when no one is concerned about who gets the credit  --John Wooden

Art and Music

45)  Once you create something, it doesn’t belong to you anymore. –Dave Matthews
46)  Every creative person is secretly afraid that one day they’re going to wake up, and everyone is going to know that they’re a fraud. –Jim Norton
47)  When you make TV, you’re not just competing against other TV shows. You’re competing against anything anyone could do in their spare time. --Dennis Deninger
48)  Everyone should have one movie that they've never seen just because it infuriates and perplexes everyone they know.  –Bill Simmons
49)  When words fail, music speaks. –Dave Goldenberg
50)  Leadership in the film and television industry is about the liberation of talent. –Ed Sabol
51)   Write something worth reading or do something worth writing about. –Jack Gravina (quoting Ben Franklin)


52)  An investment in knowledge pays the best interest. --Benjamin Franklin
53)  Never test the depth of a river with both feet.  –Africa Proverb
54)  If you tell one lie, you’re going to have to tell 50 more to protect it. –My Grandmother
55)  He that speaks much is much mistaken. –Benjamin Franklin
56)  If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough. –Albert Einstein
57)  It is better to be thought a fool, than to speak, and remove all doubt. –Dena Goldsmith
58)  A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything –Malcolm X
59)  The older I get, the wiser my father becomes. –My Father
60)  It doesn’t matter who is right, only what is right. –Greg Brooker’s Fortune Cookie

*As you probably noticed, many of the most important lessons I've learned have been from John Wooden, who is perhaps the most brilliant and influential writer I've ever had the pleasure of reading. Here is his list of 9 Promises That Can Bring Happiness, which I think about daily, and is the strongest moral compass I have:

 John Wooden’s 9 promises That Can Bring Happiness

1. Promise to talk about health, happiness, and prosperity as often as possible.
2. Promise to make all your friends know there is something in them that is special and that you value.
3. Promise to think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best in yourself and others.
4. Promise to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
5. Promise to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. 
6. Promise to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements in the future.
7. Promise to wear a cheerful appearance at all times and give every person you meet a smile.
8. Promise to give so much time improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
9. Promise to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit trouble to press on you.

-J Fonts (@JohnAnthony37)

John Fontanelli is a staff writer for the 2 Man Weave. He lives in Los Angeles, California 

How A Team Not From South Beach Can Win The Eastern Conference

Since Michael Jordan retired from the NBA, the Eastern Conference has mostly lagged behind the Western Conference as far as being competitive from top to bottom. There have been several teams below .500 that have made the NBA playoffs out of the East, including the 38-44 Milwaukee Bucks a season ago. However, the shift, especially at the top, could make this season the most competitive one this century.

If you are preparing for a fantasy basketball draft, chances are you might see the rankings and think that the West is still the conference to be in. After Lebron James, the biggest individual stars are Kyrie Irving, Paul
George, Carmelo Anthony, Deron Williams and Al Jefferson. Both Irving and Jefferson are not on true contenders, and George, Anthony and Williams are all players who can’t truly take a game over themselves.

Beating the Heat is not necessarily about fantasy basketball stars, especially when no one player can match up directly with Lebron James. The top contenders in the Eastern Conference will all have their best
shot at dethroning Miami by beating them with depth and defense. Chicago, Indiana, Brooklyn and New York figure to be the top four contenders, and all have multiple weapons that can give Miami fits.

The Pacers and Bulls have experienced the most success against Miami in the past, and they have done so with size and defense, especially in the paint. Danny Granger and Derrick Rose, respectively, will be All-Stars returning to an already solid lineup. While the Heat have done a good job retaining most of their lineup heading into the 2013-2014 season, these two teams should be able to close the gap even more.

Brooklyn and New York are both wild cards, as they certainly have the talent to contend. The Nets made a huge splash in the offseason by bringing in Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce, so if they can gel in time for the playoffs, they will have the veteran leadership to meet the Heat at some point. As for the Knicks, they must stay healthy, and they also must be able to get enough stops to truly contend. They have an extremely
dangerous offense headlined by Anthony, but playoff basketball is more about defense.

Miami is not invincible, but they have won two titles in a row for a reason. A tougher Eastern Conference could give them fits next spring.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Week 2 NFL Picks Column

As if pumpkin beer and an excuse to wear comfortable hoodies weren't enough of a reason to crown fall the best season, we're also in the midst of the opening weeks of the greatest sport ever invented (football), and hitting the home stretch of the greatest television show of all time (Breaking Bad). Not much to bitch about on my end, well, except for the fact that I still don't have TV/internet at my apartment, but that will all be changing soon (Time Warner 'bout to kick in the door waving the 4-4 on Tuesday).

In lieu of my typical rants, I'll just tell you guys a quick little story about what happened to me when I went to go get dinner tonight. Now originally I had planned on cooking some Jambalaya, because I live on my own and occasionally do grown man things like cook food for myself, but rather than go into full on Chef-Boy-R-Chi mode tonight, I decided to opt for a two hour nap instead.

I woke up with about an hour to spare before work (yes, I'm still the Nightman) and headed to Subway a few blocks from my spot for a little five dollar footlong action. So I'm in line with my girlfriend and I notice that there seems to be some commotion up towards the front of the line. Oh well, "No biggie" I thought, should clear up by the time our sandwiches are ready. Apparently this fiance bro's giftcard wasn't swiping so the dude at the register had to call their corporate offices.

So we place our orders (grilled chicken breast- cause the two slabs of meat are WAY bigger than the cut up buffalo chicken crap they serve you, plus you can put your own hot sauce on it and BAM!- big boy buff chicken) and notice that the finance bro is still yet to be served, so now there's about five people standing in line with our sandwiches made, ready to eat, pay & grub.

Well, guess that dude's card is fucked up and he's going to have to pay cash like a non-sociopath.


Turns out their register is broken and won't be fixed for another hour. Now the people behind the counter were left with three options for what they could do (you already know how this plays out, or else I wouldn't be writing it but bear with me). They could have A) went above and beyond and valued their customers business, while handing over the already made sandwiches free of charge. They could have B) been decent human beings and let people who had exact change pay and take their already made dinner. Or they could have C) been wasteful pricks and tossed out the perfectly good food for no reason.

They chose option C.

Fuck Subway. Fuck Jared. And fuck Ndamukong Suh.

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (0-1) Nawlins -3 over Tuberculosis

I picked the Buccs to beat the Jets last week as our Anti-Lock of the week and sure enough, I was wrong! To make up for it I've decided to double down by picking against that very same Tampa Bay squad. The logic- if you can't beat Geno Smith, you're not beating Drew Brees. Simple as that.

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne

Keytwitty (5-0) N.O. -3, Det -1.5, Oak -6, Bal -6.5, Indy -3

Watch The Throne 

Danye (3-2) Det -1.5, N.O. -3, S.F. +3, Den -4.5, Wash +7.5

Dough Boy (3-2) S.F. +3, Bal -6.5, Det -1.5, Miami +3, Cin -7

Cambo (2-3) N.O. -3, Den -4.5, Det -1.5, K.C. -2.5, Car -3

Miggs (2-3) Den -4.5, N.O. -3, Atl -6.5, Car -3, Chi -6

Gary (2-3) Dal +2.5, S.F. +3, Chi -6, N.O. -3, Den -4.5

Chooch (2-3) Bal -6.5, Indy -3, N.O. -3, N.E. -12, Oak -6

Flem (0-4-1) NYJ +12, Hou -9, Indy -3, Car -3, N.O. -3

The Mush

J Fonts (0-5) S.D. +7.5, Bal -6.5, N.O. -3, S.F. +3, Buff +3

Obscure Gif Of The Week / Fat Cat Put On Exercise Regime 


Babe of the Week / Kate Mara

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Insane Clown Posse Backs Down From Fight After Talking Shit On The Howard Stern Show

Gametime Drinks For Jags Fans To Wallow In Their Sorrows With- Moscow Mule

Gametime Snack Of The Week- Mini Football Subs

Laces out! Word to Ray Finkle's grandma!

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

LaGarrette Blount, RB, Patriots 

"No Gronk. No Hernandez. No Welker. No Amendola. No Vareen. Ridley done fucked up. Who else gone eat on dis team but the big homie LaGarrette Blount?? Dude been my favorite player since he cold-clocked that redneck from Boise back in '09. I ain't seen a white person hit the floor that hard since Adele dropped an Oreo. I'm fin ta smoke a Blount in LaGarrette's honor for each fantasy point he gets me this weekend. Hate being sober."

-fresh (@danye33)