Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Oregon High School Football Team Executes Miley Cyrus Tribute Play To Perfection

This Miley Cyrus inspired "Wrecking Ball" Fake PAT was executed to perfection by the 9-0 Sherwood High School Bowmen this past Friday night. Martin Layna, the team's 5'5" 240 lb kicker, connected with Jordan Kurahara, their 6'11" tight end for the two point conversion while Billy Bob (not his real name, but he does wear's #69 so a man can dream, right?) frog hops to the sideline, tee in hand.

[via Max Preps]

-fresh (@danye33)

Win Week 9- Top Waiver Wire Pickups

Marvin Jones, WR, Bengals- Week 8 Stats: 8 rec, 122 rec yds, 4 rec TDs

Marvin the Monster had eight catches for 122 yards and four touchdowns in the Bengals 49-9 beat down of the New York Jets. Jones has now scored in three consecutive weeks and has emerged as one of the league's premier red zone threats. His historic outing comes a day in which he played in less than one third of his team's offensive snaps, but when you're putting up results like that you can certainly justify starting him on your fantasy team. Also, I've mentioned this before but Andy Dalton is a must own at this stage of the season (still available in about a quarter of all Yahoo! leagues). No quarterback has more fantasy points in the past three weeks and he has been a top 10 fantasy QB through one half of the season.

Mike Tolbert, RB, Panthers- Week 8 Stats: 7 car, 35 rush yds, 4 rec, 29 rec yds, 1 rec TD

I love Mike Tolbert as a Week 9 flex play verses the flawed Falcons. He's both the goal line and passing down back on a team that's firing on all cylinders of late and putting up lots of points, and he's causing DeAngelo Williams fantasy owners to sprout gray hairs on a weekly basis. Teammate Jonathan Stewart is believed to come back this week, but I wouldn't worry about him chipping into Tolbert's work load until I see it happen.

Kenny Stills, WR, Saints- Week 8 Stats: 3 rec, 129 rec yds, 2 rec TDs

It's hard to believe we've gotten to this point but for the rest of the season I would feel more comfortable starting Kenny Stills than Marques Colston. The long-time must-own wide out's fall from grace this year has been painful to watch. Colston has just 13 more receiving yards this season than Calvin Johnson had ON SUNDAY, and was unable to get in the end zone in a game that saw Brees throw for five scores. Stills on the other hand has been on the up and up, imitating Lance Moore's old deep threat role to perfection. The boom or bust rookie out of Oklahoma should continue to see his fair share of targets in this high octane offense, and will be a capable, though low end, fantasy WR3 the rest of the way.

Scott Chandler, TE, Bills- Week 8 Stats: 7 rec, 72 rec yds

If you had Week 8 in the "When will Scott Chandler have a half-decent game and sucker us into filing a waiver claim for him" pool then come on up and claim your prize! Like clockwork you can bank on three or four above average outings from the seventh year tight end out of Iowa, and Sunday was certainly one of those performances. Chandler caught seven passes for 72 yards in the Bills 35-17 loss to the Saints. Buffalo doesn't have their bye until week 12 so Gronk, Cameron, Davis and Witten owners should rest easy knowing Chandler is more than likely out there for a one time use.

Jason Campbell, QB, Browns- Week 8 Stats: 22 of 37 for 293 pass yds, 2 pass TDs, 3 car, 17 rush yds

Campbell looked surprisingly competent in the Browns closer-than-the-score-indicates 23-17 loss to the still undefeated Chiefs. He threw for nearly three hundred yards against the league's top defense and connected on touchdowns to fantasy stud Josh Gordon, and my new favorite name in the NFL- running back Fozzy Whittaker. Coming into last weekend Kansas City had been averaging two and a half takeaways per game, so the fact that Campbell was able to sustain drives and hold onto the ball bodes well moving forward. Just goes to show that pretty much anyone with a pulse is a better option at quarterback than Brandon Weeden (Blane Gabbart excluded). He's a capable bye week fill in, or starter in two QB leagues.

-fresh (@danye33)

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Knicks Unveil Creamsicle Uniforms

Because somebody's gotta pay the tab on Madison Square Garden's new billion dollar renovations, the Knicks are going with an all-orange alternate jersey for the upcoming season. Hopefully it helps Melo channel his title winning ways from his days as an Orangemen.

The vivacious jerseys will available both online and in the new MSG store. I wonder if they come with a joke on the inside?

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, October 25, 2013

"Cause It's Your Week 8 NFL Picks Column And You Know It"

No rants this week but I do have a mission for all the single Weavers out there. I don't why its taken a month for this "Texting Drake Lyrics To Your Ex" post from Pigeons and Planes to cross my path, but now that it has I can't get enough of it. Basically the whole premise is to just text random lyrics from your favorite Canadian, moscato drinking, condo inhibiting rapper to ex-flames with no context whatsoever. I would do it myself, but the whole "initiating flirty conversation with past lovers" probably wouldn't go over so well with my live-in girlfriend. That's why I'm hoping that you, the readers, can help me out by sending in screen shots of your text serenades. The best ones will get posted in the Week 9 column.

Here's some sample Drake quotes you can use (see how easy I'm making this for you guys?)

"Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much. There's no need for us to rush is through."

"I just want some head in a comfortable bed, it could all be so simple." 

"It's not me, it's you. It's not me, it's you."

"I was trippin' off how I used to sleep at ya crib. Should drive by right where you live, and pick you up on the way."

"Girl don't treat me like a stranger. Girl you know I seen you naked."

"I'm just saying you could do better."

"I stay reminiscing and makeup sex is tradition."

"How beautiful our kids will be, I don't need convincing."

"Bittersweet celebration. I know I can't change what happened."

"Isn't it amazing how you talk all this shit and we still lack communication?"

"These days its so hard to meet women, feel like my love life is finished."

"Nothing was the same."

If all else fails you can always just make a #StarbucksDrakeHands video.

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (2-5) Hotlanta +2.5 in the desert

At this point I'd be better off looking at a rundown of spreads and playing "eenie meanie miney mo," but I guess I'll take the underachieving, banged up Falcons getting two and a half in Arizona. Matty Ice refused to melt in week 7, despite playing without three of his four best offense weapons in Julio, Roddy and Steven Jackson (never coming back). Look for Harry "The Sticky Bandit" Douglas (yes, I just made that nickname up on the spot) to get in the end zone again and for Carson Palmer to continue to define the word "mediocrity."

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne
Keytwitty (18-17)   Dal +3, NYG +6, Minn +9.5, Oak +2.5, NYJ +6.5

Watch The Throne 

Dough Boy (17-18) S.F. -16.5, Atl +2.5, Sea -10.5, Car -6, G.B. -9.5

Chooch (16-19)   S.F. -16.5, Dal +3, N.O. -12, G.B. -9.5, NYJ +6.5

Cambo (14-19-2) Pit -2.5, Atl +2.5, Car -6, Sea -10.5, Det -3

J Fonts (14-20-1)   K.C. -7.5, Oak +2.5, NYJ +6.5, Buf +12, NYG +6
Danye (13-21-1)  NYG +6, N.E. -6.5, Wash +12.5, Atl +2.5, G.B. -9.5

Flem (12-20-3)  K.C. -7.5, N.O. -12, Pitt -2.5, Sea -10.5, Atl +2.5

Gary (12-22-1) Dal +3, K.C. -7.5, NYJ +6.5, G.B. -9.5, Oak +2.5

The Mush
Miggs (11-23-1)  K.C. -7.5, N.E. -6.5, Atl +2.5, G.B. -9.5, Sea -10.5

Obscure Gif of the Week / PIZZAGASM

Bonus Gif / Best Kiss Cam Ever

Babe of the Week / The Great One's Daughter, Paulina Gretzky

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / 160 Greatest Arnold Quotes

Halloween Costume I Wish I Was Creative Enough To Come Up With- Pug Wrecking Ball 

Gametime Drinks For Jags Fans To Wallow In Their Sorrows With- Manhattan

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Terrelle Pryor, QB, Raiders

"Last week I's was playing some of that new GTA5 game over at my lil cousin Reggie spot. We's posted up, killing hookers on the Xbox and what not, smoking wax and getting turnt. So now your boy's lit up off the dabs and we both be getting hungry as a muhfuckah. We decided we bout to change that and hop in the Lex and head to McDonalds. Even though I got a mil in the bank dem chicken nuggies be calling my name. So I bang a U on Sidney street without looking cause I ain't got no time for that and whatdayaknow little miss Piggy pulls out in the unmarked whip and hits the siren. So I pull over, eyes looking like Katy Perry's period blood and she tells me to give her my license. Bitch runs my records, sees all my priors and slaps the cuffs on me for an outstanding warrant. My priors be causing me all sorts of trouble, just like Terrelle Pryor be causing on the field. Start that man."

-fresh (@danye33)

Keytwitty's Week 9 CFB Power Rankings

Wow last weekend 4 teams in my top 10 lost :( 
So lets say bye to Teddy Bridgewater until the NFL Draft,
And get well soon Johnny Money Manziel.

10) LSU - I can't just take Les Miles out of my top 10 yet! LSU needs to pick up their play if they want to stay in the top 10.
Last Week #6

9) Texas Tech - Well I guess its time to put a Big 12 school in the top 10. BTW defense is optional in the Big 12! The Red Raiders have a big game against the always tough Oklahoma Sooners.
Last Week Unranked

8) Stanford - Upset Alert! They will play a hard nose Oregon State team. The Cardinal's need to focus on the task at hand before thinking about the Ducks.
Last Week #10

7) Clemson - SMH I don't know how the Tigers will regroup after that butt kicking they got from FSU. Clemson just no called and no showed on national tv last week.
Last Week #3

6) Miami - Last week the Canes survived and moved on after being tested. The Canes are waiting for their November 2 date with FSU.
Last Week #9

5) Missouri - I cant name 1 player on that team. Missouri has already beat 2 teams that used to be in my 10. The Tigers are in the drivers seat in the SEC east right now. They have a date with Clowney and the Gamecocks this weekend.
Last Week #5

4) Ohio State - According to my BCS math, the Buckeyes need to start beating teams by 40 
points a game if they want to play in the national championship.
Last Week #5

3) Florida State - In the computer rankings FSU is #1. However, the pressure is on now.
Last Week #4

2) Oregon - I love pink helmets!!!!! The Ducks should be tested this week by UCLA.
Last Week #2

1) Alabama - #RollTide 
Last Week #1

Keytwitty Old school wrestling video of the week!

-Keytwitty (@Keytwitty)

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Condoleezza Rice, College Football and Why Experience is Overrated

Last week Condoleezza Rice was selected as a member of the College Football Playoff selection committee— the group responsible for selecting 4 teams to play in college football’s mini playoff. Upon selection, Condoleeza Rice unofficially became the token double minority for traditionally white, male organizations. When Augusta National decided to add a female member, who did they pick?
Condoleezza Rice.
So it’s no surprise that when whoever picked the playoff committee saw that their committee was both too white and too male, they picked Condie. (I have to clarify here that I’m in no way criticizing Condoleeza Rice, or attributing her accomplishments to some social glass elevator. I happen to like her, and I respect her accomplishments quite a bit. A bunch of crackers adding her to clubs and committees doesn’t reflect negatively on her, in my opinion)
Rice is the safest diversity addition to any organization because, outside of Clayton Bigsby (“Condolangas Rice!”), everyone likes her. Republicans like her because she’s a Republican. Democrats like her because she’s a successful black woman. Both seem like strange reasons to like a person, but that’s where we are in 2013. It also helps that she seems like a friendly, smart woman, and was a seemingly competent Secretary of State, which appeals to…everyone.
I’ve never met her; this is just speculation. But if I think she’s a nice, smart, competent person then most people probably do too, and that’s the important thing. People like her. You can’t go wrong adding Condoleeza Rice. She’s like avocado. She goes great on anything.
On October 5th, ESPN College Gameday analyst David Pollack took some heat for a comment he made regarding the rumor that Condoleezza Rice would be on the College Football Playoff selection committee.
“Now I’m going to stick my foot in my mouth, probably, I want people on this committee that can watch tape, that have played football, that are around football, that can tell you different teams on tape, not on paper.” Host Chris Fowler asked Pollack if he was implying that no women should be allowed on the committee, and Pollack said “yeah,

Pollack later clarified his comments in a tweet

I’m not particularly interested in whether Pollack was sincere when he said he thought women shouldn’t be on the selection committee (he was), or if his tweet was a more thorough reflection of his views (it wasn’t. It was damage control). There’s a lot more to his quote. It isn’t that Pollack doesn’t want women on the list. Pollack doesn’t want anyone who hasn’t played football on the list. It has nothing to do with women, and everything to do with playing experience. He’d probably be perfectly fine if Becky “The Icebox” O’Shea was on the committee.

Pollack isn’t alone as a former player (Pollack was a 3 time College All- American and a 1st round NFL pick before suffering a career ending injury. Thanks Wikipedia!!!) who dismisses anyone who hasn’t played college or professional athletics. It was the underlying theme of the only week ESPN’s First Take actually featured thoughtful debate.

Skip Bayless had a rotating cast of ex jocks come on the show and more or less explain why their opinions were more important. Inferior journalists/superior athletes arguing with a superior journalist/inferior athlete. It’s worth watching.

Hearing athletes turned journalists dismiss fans has always irritated me for a two reasons.

1) We overrate experience.
Look at every pregame/post game show. It’s 4-6 ex players or coaches being baby sat by an anchor like Chris Berman or Ernie Johnson. A desk full of ex jocks gives the set a sense of authority. These guys played/coached, so we assume they’re going to tell us information that’s gained through years of two-a-days and suiting up on Sundays.
But for every time Ron Jaworski explains a quarterback’s read progression on a play, or Barkley tells a story about how players on his team responded to a similar present day situation, we hear Shannon Sharpe or Cris Carter talking about how guys today don’t hit like they used to. Although, Shannon Sharpe does occasionally strings together complete sentences, so maybe I’m being too hard on him.

When ex players give the exact same analysis as talk radio hosts (“Might as well put skirts on ‘em!”) what’s their value? Ex- Players and coaches can offer unique insight, but too often they just rehash the same argument as everyone else. Shit is shit no matter who says it. Maybe the absence of intelligent player commentary is due to TV editors trying to keep the show accessible to the casual fan, I’m not sure.
2) We think sports are a lot more complicated than they actually are.
What exactly is the responsibility of the College Football Playoff selection committee? To say teams A,B,C and D are better than other teams. Does it really require a life centered on football to identify the 4 best teams in the country? Not really. Most fans of football can easily identify the 4 best teams in the country, and I bet all of their top 3’s would be the exact same as the current BCS poll. You don’t need to "know how to watch tape" to know that Alabama and Oregon should be in the playoff.
Can sports be complex? Sure. Football is probably the most complicated because of the challenges presented by having 22 players on the field. But are there really aspects of on field play that a studious non player can’t understand? Take SI’s Peter King for example. King never played in college and obviously never played in the pros, and yet he’s somehow become an authority on all things football. Is King less qualified to talk about football than Terry Bradshaw because he never played? People who have listened to Terry Bradshaw for the past decade are shaking their heads vehemently. (I could list GMs of pro teams without playing experience but this blog is getting to long as it is.)
I’m not sure when it happened (I think it was probably before I was born), but we treat sports like academic endeavors. And for some players, sports areintellectual. Larry Bird was a basketball genius. Ed Reed was a football genius. Miguel Cabrera is a baseball genius. But those guys are the exception. Most professional athletes are professional athletes because they’re bigger, stronger and faster than the rest of the population through nature and nurture. It’s rare to see 1 player that’s both the most physically gifted, and mentally gifted player on the field/court/rink. See: James, Lebron.
I don’t think athletes are dumb. Not even close. I’m clarifying because that would be an easy dismissal of my argument. But maybe we can stop talking about how smart some player is because they make a nifty backdoor cut.
Condoleeza Rice is probably a smart person. I’m hoping that’s a requirement to be the Secretary of State. She probably has decent judgment. I’d heard before this that she was a big football fan. Does it  honestly matter that she hasn’t played? Does that mean she can’t objectively compare two teams? At the worst she’ll just read the top 4 teams listed in the BCS rankings. I think we’re all gonna be ok.
-Joe Turner (@Joe_Turner00)

Week 8 Waiver Wire Pickups

Darrius Heyward-Bay, WR, Colts- Week 7 Stats: 4 rec, 44 rec yds, 1 rec TD, 1 car, 30 rush yds

I, like most sports fans, thought the days of pretending DHB was a relevant fantasy player were long behind us. But after Reggie Wayne tore his ACL in the Colts 39-33 win over the Broncos, Al Davis' defining draft pick has once again snuck his way into our waiver wires. Look for Heyway-Bay and T.Y. Hilton's stock to soar in the near future. And don't be deterred by their week 8 bye, add Darrius now at all costs. It will payoff in the long run.

Jordan Reed, TE, Redskins- Week 7 Stats: 9 rec, 134 rec yds, 1 rec TD

Odds are if you play in a competitive league this guy got scooped up long ago, but Reed is someone still out there in more than 60% of all leagues. He's surpassed Pierre Garcon as RG3's most trusted receiver and I expect him to be one of the year's big breakout players as we embark on the second half of the season. Fred Davis was a healthy scratch in the Skin's shootout with Chicago last Sunday, meaning this Tight End job is clearly his for the keeper. Fantasy owners should follow suit.

Andy Dalton, QB, Bengals- Week 7 Stats: 24 of 34 for 371 pass yds, 3 pass TDs

The Red Rocket has put up top 3 fantasy numbers among quarterbacks in each of the past 2 weeks, including a 374 yard, three touchdown performance against a gritty Lions squad in the Motor City. For the last couple years the knock on Dalton was that he was a game manger, limiting his mistakes and doing just enough to put his team in the position to win. But it appears that in year three he's now making the leap to game winner all on his own.  Right now I'd place him in the high end QB2 range, certainly worthy of a bye week plug and play.

Mike James, RB, Buccaneers- Week 7 Stats: 14 car, 45 rush yds, 3 rec, 8 rec yds

With Doug Martin out for the foreseeable future with a shoulder injury, the unenviable position of starting Buccs running back now falls in the hands of Mike James, a rookie out of the U. Tampa Bay ranks in the bottom third league wide in rushing yards per game, but James is still worthy of an add because starting running backs are so hard to come by in fantasy. He's got some tough upcoming matchups, including Thursday night verses the stingy Panthers D, and a week 9 showdown verse the Seahawks, so it might be best to let him ride the pine on your bench until his schedule gets easier.

Jarrett Boyken, WR, Packers- Week 7 Stats: 8 rec, 103 rec yds, 1 rec TD

Boyken emerged as the main beneficiary to Jordy Nelson's trip to Haden Island and Randall Cobb and James Jones trip to the injury list, finishing up Sunday's 31-13 win over the Browns with eight catches, 103 yards and a score. This is a team that week after week continues to get bit by the injury bug- this time it was a scary neck injury to tight end Jermichael Finley, which means Boyken's fantasy value will continue to rise. Anytime you can grab a starting receiver on one of the most prolific offenses in the league you've got to do it.

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, October 18, 2013

Week 7 NFL Picks Column

In honor of my dad's birthday last weekend, I have to post one of my favorite quotes that he's ever said. Every time someone asks him if he has any interest in fantasy football he always says the same thing, and I'll never not laugh when I hear it.

"None of my fantasies involve 300 pound men"

The reason I felt this quote was timely was because I too have become somewhat disenfranchised with the game I once loved- fantasy football. I'm sure next week I'll go back to happily obsessing over it. As anyone who plays can attest to, all it takes is a couple of wins to spearhead your interest. But for now I'm pissed and I have no one to blame but myself.

Despite sitting at 3-2, with the most points in the keeper league that I'm the commissioner of, I panic traded Reggie Bush for Randall Cobb and Andre Ellington. The logic being that I had great depth at running back (AP, Forte, DeMarco, Reggie & Powell) and my only glaring weakness was wide receiver.

So Sunday morning I take the train back to my hometown on just three hours sleeping coming off the overnight shift to watch the games with my friends. I get to my buddies house around 2:15, crack open a cold one, throw on the Red Zone channel and what do I see on the very first play? That's right, Randall Cobb getting his knee absolutely torn to shreds on a cheap shot by Matt Elam. To add salt in the wound I also started James Jones, Cecil Shorts and the aforementioned DeMarco Murray, all of whom left the game with multiple week injuries.

Sorry to be all long winded about my personal fantasy football woes. I know reading about someone else's shitty luck in a game that you have no control over is the last thing any of you guys want to waste your time with. But I guess the point of this vent session is to say that I think it might be time that I take a page out of my old man's playbook and re-prioritize my fantasies.

I'd say post-baby Kim is a good start.

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (2-4) New England -4 over NJY

I'm going back to old mantra of "When in doubt, pick the Pats!". It's what pulled me out of a rut last year and I'm banking (literally) on the same results this time around. I know this game was much closer than it had any right to be the first time around, but I just can't see Geno going toe-to-toe with Tommy. The Jets only real shot at winning is if Sudfield made photocopies of his playbook before getting the ax.

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne

Keytwitty (16-14)  Dal +2.5, Bal +2, NYG -3, K.C. -6.5, Chi +1

Watch The Throne 

Dough Boy (15-15) Chi +1, Cin +3, G.B. -10, K.C. -6.5, N.E. -4

Chooch (13-17)  N.E. -4, Hou +6.5, St. Lou +6, Atl -7, S.F. -4

J Fonts (12-17-1)  NYG -3, Det -3, K.C. -6.5, Bal +2, S.F. -4

Cambo (12-16-2)  Chi +1, Den -6.5, Cin +3, K.C. -6.5, S.F. -4

Danye (11-18-1) N.E. -4, K.C. -6.5, Den -6.5, Dal +2.5, S.F. -4

Gary (11-18-1) Sea -6.5, K.C. -6.5, N.E. -4, Min +3, St. Lou +6

Miggs (9-20-1)  S.D. -7.5, Chi +1, K.C. -6, Dal +2.5, Cle +10

The Mush

Flem (8-19-3)  S.D. -7.5, Det -3, S.F. -4, Dal +2.5, Wash -1

Obscure Gif of the Week / Selfie Denied 

Bonus Gif / Halloween Snowman Knockout

Babe of the Week / Amy Shumer

There's something incredibly sexy about a girl who can make you laugh 

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Nothing To Do With Football / Stephanie Tanner "Bandz A Make Her Dance"

Gametime Drinks For Jags Fans To Wallow In Their Sorrows With- Bacon Beer Milkshake

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Justin Blackmon, WR, Jaguars

"So the other day I's was fucking around with sweet lil thang named Denise. Mouth coitus had been performed and it was finally time to ride the slip 'n slide. Only Denise won't let me beat with no rubbers so I had to run out to the store, with rock, to cop some Mags. So I'm in CVS, dick up in my waistband, strollingthe isles when I notice this pig following behind me every step of the way. So I turn around and axe him "What's beef?" and he fucking books me over some bullshit. Said I matched the description of a guy wanted for armed robbery a few blocks away. Muhfucker cuffed and brought me all the way to the station before saying they caught their guy and cutting me lose. Even in my own city man, cops always trying to bring the black man down. So the least I could do this week was put on for my fellow Blackmon, Justin of the Jacksonville Jaguars."

-fresh (@danye33)

Here's A Video Of Kid Cudi Pushing A Fan Off The Stage While Dressed As A Power Ranger And Lip Syncing

The only thing I took away from this video is that I will never go to another Kid Cudi concert, and that decision has absolutely nothing to do with the assault.

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Keytwitty's Week 8 CFB Power Rankings

OK folks I'm back this week. I took a leave of absence because I am depressed that the New York Giants are still winless!

S/O to Penn State for there huge win over Michigan last week. That program needs to have some positive news.

10) Stanford - Yup they got caught slipping last week to Utah. I still believe that Stanford is a good team that will rebound this week against a tough UCLA team.
Last Week #5

9) Miami - The Canes are on "True Life: Upset Alert" this week at UNC. The rebirth of the Canes might lead to a ACC run.
Last Week #7

8) Louisville - The Cards are my Chief Keef "Locked n Loaded" pick not to play anybody good this week.
Last Week #8

7) Texas A&M - I would love to welcome back Johnny "Money" Manziel back into my top 10! Last week when Manziel got hurt I prayed to white baby Jesus. 
Last Week Unranked

6) LSU - Gets tested every week like an undergrad at SUNY Cortland. But they have weathered the storm and come out clean most of the time. #MadHatter
Last Week #10

5) Ohio State - Over the next few weeks I want to see if Braxton Miller takes the Buckeyes to the next level to win the Big 10. It is Rose Bowl or bust for the Buckeyes.
Last Week #3

4) Florida State - This is a throwback Seminole team. They play great defense and have good Quarterback play just like the Charlie Ward years. #knickstape
Last Week #6

3) Clemson - The Tigers always come into the ACC preseason as the paper champs. However, they usually finish as ACC chumps. They get their chance to prove themselves this Sadder-day night in primetime against Florida State.
Last Week #4

2) Oregon - Sometimes I wonder if this is a football team or an Olympic track team. This team just has great team speed. 
Last Week #2

1) Alabama - The Bama Era! Pretty soon we will start talking about the greatness of Nick Saban.
Last Week #1

-Keytwitty (@Keytwitty)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Week 7 Waiver Wire Pickups

Keenan Allen, WR, Chargers- Week 6 Stats: 9 rec, 107 rec yds, 1 rec TD

There's a good Allen is already owned after his week 5 coming out party in a loss to Oakland that saw him crack the century mark and get into the end zone, but if he's available in your league he is a must add. Allen caught nine balls in the Chargers 19-9 win over the Colts on Monday Night Football, meaning the cat's out of the bag on Phillip Rivers new favorite receiver. The third round rookie out of Cal is a worthy WR2 play moving forward.

Joseph Fauria, TE, Lions- Week 6 Stats: 3 rec, 34 rec yds, 3 rec TDs

Fauria defines the phrase "boom or bust", with five of his seven catches this year ending up in the end zone (3rd best among tight ends league-wide). He's a high risk, high reward fantasy play that definitely leaves you vulnerable, but the fact that he has more touchdowns this year than teammate Calvin Johnson should say something about Stafford's trust in the undrafted end out of UCLA. 

Brandon Jacobs, RB, Giants- Week 6 Stats: 22 car, 106 rush yds, 2 rush TDs

Admittedly, its still a bit strange seeing Brandon Jacobs rocking #34 instead of his original #27, but when the results are the same, like they were Thursday night in Chicago, its hard to tell the difference. Jacobs came within 40 rushing yards of David Wilson's season total, and doubled his yearly touchdown count, passing the pylons twice in the Giants 27-21 loss to the Bears. Jacobs should continue to see RB1 carries moving forward, at least until Andre Brown returns. 

Joe Flacco, QB, Ravens- Week 6 Stats: 20 of 34 for 342 pass yds, 2 pass TDs

The reigning Super Bowl MVP may have started off this season on the wrong foot (a certain 5 interception performance verse Buffalo rings a bell), but the fact remains that for the first time in years the Ravens are no longer a ground and pound team, instead taking to the air early and often. He's helped turn Torrey Smith in a full-on superstar and rookie Marlon Brown is turning heads too. Flacco isn't someone I would feel comfortable starting on a weekly basis, but is a more than serviceable plug and play as bye weeks continue. 

Chris Ogbonnaya, RB, Browns- Week 6 Stats: 5 car, 24 rush yds, 7 rec, 61 rec yds, 1 rec TD

The fifth year full back out of Texas had his best game of the season in the Browns closer-than-the-score-indicates 31-17 loss to the Lions. Ogbonnaya had 7 receptions out of the backfield and scored for the second time this season. McGahee is still the #1 back in town, but there's plenty of fantasy value to go around, especially in PPR leagues. 

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, October 11, 2013

Week 6 NFL Picks Column

After five frustrating fantasy weeks of starring at Gronk's name on my bench and thinking "what could have been", it appears the NFL's biggest frat bro, and LMFAO enthusiast, will finally be making his long awaited return to the grid iron this Sunday against the Saints in Foxboro. And I, for one, can't contain my excitement.

He's the most lovable player in the league because he acts the way ever college aged male envisions himself acting if given the fortune and fame of an NFL career, only Gronks frontal lobe never developed past the keg stand phase of maturity, so he acts out every last primal urge that crosses his mind. That's why he's the best. He's the anti-Patriot, and he's so freaking good there's not a damn thing Bill Belicheck can do about it. It's Gronk's World, we're all just living in it.

In honor of Gronk's return, I've composed a list of various ways you can celebrate the return of an American hero this weekend:

  • Jerk off to a Bibi Jones porno
  • Go get a surgery done just for the hell of it
  • Spike random household objects
  • Grind on random strangers while blasting "Party Rock" from you iPhone speakers
  • Throw a "Yo Soy" Fiesta
  • Lift weights 
  • Cry because you'll never be as cool as him :(  

2 Man Weave Anti-Lock Of The Week (1-4) Philly -1 vs. Tampa Bay

We knew it would only be a matter of time before Mr. Glass got hurt, but to be honest, I don't think Nick Foles is that much of a downgrade. Certainly not enough of a downgrade to merit what's essentially a pick 'em line between the 0-4 Buccs. This team has been in the midst of a mutiny since August, and their quarterback, Mike Glennon, doesn't even have a wiki page! I like the Birds in a blowout.

And now, the picks!

The King's Throne

Keytwitty (16-9)  Indy -1.5, NYJ -2.5, T.B. +1, Sea -13.5, Min -2.5 

Watch The Throne 

Dough Boy (13-12)  K.C. -9, NYJ -2.5, Cle +2.5, Tenn +13.5, T.B. +1

Gary (11-13-1)  Oak +9, Cin -8, N.O +2.5, Ari +11, Indy -1.5

J Fonts (10-14-1)  Philly -1, Det -2.5, Den -27.5, N.O. +2.5, Indy -1.5

Cambo (9-14-2)   Dal -5.5, K.C. -9, Indy -1.5, Min -2.5, Philly -1

Danye (9-15-1)    Philly -1, Min -2.5, Sea -13.5, G.B. -3, Jax +27.5

Chooch (9-16)  K.C. -9, Cle +2.5, Pitt +2.5, Dal -5.5, S.F. -11

Miggs (8-16-1)   T.B. +1, G.B. -3, Cin -8, Ten +13.5, N.O. +2.5

The Mush

Flem (6-16-3)  Phil -1, GB  -3, Den -27.5, Det -2.5, NO +2.5

Obscure Gif of the Week / A Single Popcorn Popping

Bonus Gif / I'm... speechless 

Babe of the Week / Brynn Cameron aka Jordan Cameron's sister aka Matt Leinart's baby mama aka Blake Griffin's baby mama 

click here for video of Blake hyping his boo's brother before the draft

Random YouTube Video Of The Week That Has Something To Do With Football / Dan Marino Behind The Back Pass

Gametime Drinks For Jags Fans To Wallow In Their Sorrows With- Whiskey, straight out the bottle

This one's going to get ugly fast

Chief Keef "Locked 'N Loaded" Fantasy Player To Watch For

Demaryius Thomas, WR, Broncos 

"Ayybody keep talking bout how this Broncos-Jags spread is the biggest line in NFL history. That shits all good and well, but let me tell you a little bit about the biggest line I ever seent. So we's was up in the VIP over at Blackjack's and my boy Young Magnum pulls out a ball and tells this trick Shayanna to bend over and drop them panties. She obliges and he proceeds to dump the entire baggy out on her lower back, cutting up this big ass line from her back dimples to her asshole. I dove in without thinking like Phelps in Beijing and hit her with the albino starfish. So yea, I knows a thing or two about big lines."

-fresh (@danye33)

The Battle To Decide Who's The Best, In The Pacific Northwest- It's Your Week 7 College Football Talk With Chooch

Week 6 Review 

Buckeyes survive again: It wasn’t overly pretty, but Ohio State survived its second big test of the season at Northwestern in an electric atmosphere. Carlos Hyde led the way for Ohio State on the ground, which used its superior physicality and athleticism to wear the Wildcats down. The game also saw one of the worst backdoor covers in recent memory, as OSU covered the spread on a defensive touchdown as time expired.

Tennessee loses a heartbreaker: As I left one bar Saturday night on my way to meet up with friends to watch ND-Arizona State (more below), I saw the Volunteers take a 31-24 lead over Georgia with a few minutes to play. By the time I arrived, Georgia had just tied it and forced overtime. Then, in overtime, Tennessee fumbled the ball through the endzone, allowing Georgia to kick the game-winning field goal. What a brutal loss for a program that’s been looking for that first huge win since 2007.

Notre Dame gets a huge win: On the surface, ND is just 4-2 now heading into its bye week, but this was a massive win over a ranked and very dangerous Arizona State squad that had just put up 60 points against USC. Notre Dame’s defense played its best game of the year, and although the box score shows 34 points for ASU, 7 of those came on the final drive under prevent defense, while another 7 came on a pick 6 thrown by Tommy Rees. Hopefully this game gives the team confidence as it prepares for USC in a few weeks.

Stanford wins, but Washington tough: Stanford survived at home against a resilient Huskies team, but Washington proved that it belongs at the big boy table by challenging the Cardinal all game. Keith Price might have played himself into the Heisman race with his performance.

Week 7 Preview 

Game of the Week

Oregon at Washington- I’m a little hesitant having this as the game of the week only because Washington could have a massive hangover against Oregon after a tough loss to Stanford last week. If that’s the case, look for the Ducks to continue their recent dominance. Oregon hasn’t been tested by an elite offense yet though, so it will be interesting to see how they respond to pressure if Washington starts putting up a lot of points. It’s good to see Washington back in big time college football. It’s a great program with tradition, fan support, and a beautiful stadium. However, I don’t think they’re ready to take down Oregon yet, which is simply a machine right now.

Other Games to Watch 

Florida at LSU: Last year Florida derailed LSU’s season with a shocking 14-6 victory. Since then, Florida’s offense has struggled mightily, and will be put to an even bigger test in death valley Saturday night. The Gators defense has been the best in the SEC over the past 2 seasons though. Both teams, with one loss, stand on the brink of elimination from the national title conversation, making this game as big as it gets this early in the season.

Texas vs. Oklahoma (Dallas)- The Red River shootout of 2013 could be the biggest game of Mack Brown’s career post Colt McCoy. Texas has really struggled the past few seasons, beyond any reasonable explanation beyond coaching, as the Longhorns continue to stockpile elite talent. The past two seasons, Texas has been humiliated by slightly above average Oklahoma teams in Dallas. If that happens for a third straight season, expect this to be Mack’s last in Austin.

Missouri at Georgia- Missouri is the quietist 5-0 team in the country, but they should come crashing back down to earth this week against Georgia. Can the Bulldogs avoid a hangover after last week’s draining win over Tennessee?

Heisman Watch

1. Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon: Mariota moves to the top spot as Oregon keeps rolling.

2. Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville: Bridgewater is still the best QB in the country in my opinion.

3. Tajh Boyd, QB, Clemson: Back to his dominant self against Syracuse.

4. Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A & M: Status quo for Manziel

5. Keith Price, QB, Washington: Price was incredible impressive at Stanford. Showcase game this week for him versus Oregon.

-Chooch (@MrCianciulli)