Friday, May 31, 2013

My Condolences To Anyone Who Went To High School With Harrison


Harrison stopped playing football after his junior varsity season, presumably, because he was too busy stealing your girl. Seems like this young man has his priorities straight.

P.S. If you see Harrison on your college campus next year just save yourself the embarrassment and transfer. You don't stand a chance.

-fresh (@danye33)

This Birdman Bump Was Aggressive To Say The Least *UPDATED*



I was only able to catch the fourth quarter of the Heat's 90-79 game 5 victory of the Pacers because I was on the train to work, so this is the first that I'm seeing of this Birdman/Psycho T altercation. Apparently the refs issued a double technical foul on the play, which is absolutely ridiculous when you consider that Tyler, the Instigator (horrible nickname, but it's 6 am so bare with me), got blindsided to the ground and then shoved in the chest, without so much as raising a finger to the Miami (Ink's) center.

In these playoffs alone we've seen Nazr Mohammed get kicked out of games for doing the same exact thing (only without the initial knockdown). So the fact that Anderson got a free pass last night only goes to further the common fan's fear that the refs are going to do everything in their power to prevent Stern's worst nightmare- a San Antonio/Indiana Finals.


***UPDATE***

The NBA has suspended Birdman for Saturday's Game 6 in Indy.

-fresh (@danye33)

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Definitive Superhero Power Rankings (Pt. 1)


Hello Weavers, is it Miggs you're looking for?

It's been a while (lead singer for Staind voice), but I’m back with a brand new double feature article. As you may remember, I'm somewhat of a superhero geek. But I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I wore a Spiderman outfit during my senior prom and lost my virginity painted green and wearing purple shorts because although that would have been awesome, it didn't happen that way. I'm just a guy who appreciates a good unrealistic superhero jaunt. People don't realize that superhero movies are a relatively young medium and only in the past five years have we seen a real jump into serious film making. Unlike your typical flick, all of these movies have a main character whose name doubles as the title of the movie. This puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the character and actor to deliver, because no one wants to be the next Jonah Hex. 

I decided to power rank my superheroes using some of the following traits- 
  • The success of their film- were they were able to carry a movie franchise on their back? 
  • Was the character popular before they took it over or after they took it over? Basically, if they reinvented the way the character is viewed in the ethos.
  • Did they change the way that that character is going to be played in future reincarnations of the film? 
So without further ado, here are my top ten superhero power rankings.


10) Hit girl- Kick Ass (2010)- Chloe Grace Moretz

At the time, this was a pretty unknown graphic novel among the general public. It's a pretty generic superheroes' tale of how a young, unspecial man, tries to fight crime, gets beat up and hit by car, loses his ability to feel pain, and becomes a real super hero. Through his miss-adventures he meets a daddy daughter crime fighting team that actually gets shit done. This is where we are introduced to Moretz, aka Hit-Girl. She is the wise cracking ass-kicking Robin-like figure that pretty much steals the movie. The character itself is pretty bad-ass, after losing her mother, her cop father dedicates both of their lives to fighting crime under vigilante alias. In the end Hit-Girl must continue her mission even after the death of her father, and become a crime fighting wonderkid all by herself. The movie did well enough to warrant a sequel that will be coming out later this year with Chloe playing a much bigger role. If this franchise grows in its next installment, expect Hit-girl to be a big reason why. She's only 16 and is already being mentioned as one of Hollywood’s next big up and comers, and Hit-Girl is a big reason why.


9) Hulk- The Avengers (2012)- Mark Ruffalo

Right off the bat, the simple fact that in a movie starring pretty much every major Marvel character this guy stood out to me, says a lot. All the other characters in The Avengers had the luxury of building their character in a self titled film before it was made. Ruffalo had the handicap of taking a character that was butchered by one movie and pretty lack luster in another. But despite those odds against him I left that movie thinking to myself "wow, that dude Ruffalo gave me a Hulk sized nerd boner". 

He did such a good job in The Avengers that rumor has it Marvel may be rushing to get a singular Hulk film done before Mark ages out of the role. Hulk SMASH!!!!!! 


8) Blade- (1998-2004)- Wesley Pipes

Kind of a curveball here, because people don't really associate Blade as being a superhero movie, but it is. Despite being an R-rated comic book movie before films like 300 and Sin-city made it the cool thing to do, this movie still sunk its teeth into the box office three separate times. I wouldn't consider any of these films instant classics but if you're looking for a good action/True Blood/superhero combo movie this one would have to be at the top of the list. Extra points for being on the vampire bandwagon before the tweens took it over for good. If you say Wesley Snipes wasn't that great and was a weak attempt at a vampire, just compare his bad assery to Edward Cullen and get back to me.

Disclaimer: the CGI doesn't really hold up to today’s standards, but at least Jessica Biel is in the third one.


7) Superman- (1978-1987)- Christopher Reeves

This is the man who started it all. Christopher Reeves is known and will always be known as Superman. I mean, aside from a handful of Eminem references can you honestly name anything else he was in? It was the first big superhero movie success and spawned multiple sequels including one that co-starred Richard Pryor. Many still consider the sequel to be one of the best superhero movies of all time, and the guy is hanging by wires the whole time. Reeves' flies everywhere and shoots lasers out of his eyes, all pre-CGI, and it still holds up to this day. When I think of Superman I picture Christopher Reeves in that blue suit flying around the Earth so fast that he stops and spins back time, something I thought was completely possible til like last week. 


6) Rorshach- (2009) Watchmen- Jackie Earle Haley
    
Rorshach is probably the hardest hero to love on this list. He's aggressive, has a short temper, and his mask his super creepy, though he does have the luxury of having some of the best source material to base his character on. Rorshach isn't the leader, and he isn't all that charismatic. Yet you find yourself wishing more superheroes acted like him. They find the moral wrong and squash it, no ifs, and's or mutilation about it. He's a bad man that gets to the bottom of the entire mess that is caused in the Watchmen. No one follows his lead, but they should. So what if he's like 85% crazy? That’s how good Jackie Earle, who always plays these creepy type characters (including the new Freddy Kruger) is. Somehow, through all the creepiness, I still end up siding with him. Very strong performance.

This concludes our first half of Superhero Power Rankings. Come back next time as I break down the final five and reveal who I think is on top of the Superhero world....

FOR NOW... MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA MWUAHAHAHAHA

-Miggs (@NickMiggs)

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Cats And Pizza Might Be My Favorite Thing Ever











Cats on their own? Can't stand them. Way too much sass and attitude in those little fuckers.

But cats mixed with pizza? Love it. Want it. Need it.

I'm seriously considering making that first picture up top my default avatar for every single online interaction I have from now until the end of time.

-fresh (@danye33)

Fresh Take Mailbag, Vol. 8

Hey guys- guess what? I'm growing a beard!



No, not a rapey one. A cool, manly one, like Ryan Gosling's in "The Notebook". Figured I had to pick up a new hobby besides sleeping and blogging while I work these overnight shifts, and I'm looking forward to doing my best Joaquin Phoenix in "I'm Still Here" impersonation when I finally see my friends again.

In this week's Mailbag we're talking about Amanda Bynes unique way of suggesting sex, deceased musical acts, which Gatorade flavor reigns supreme and much, much more. As always, please continue to hit me with all of your wildest questions via e-mail, tweet, text or in the comment section of our Facebook fan page.

And now, your questions!



Hey Dan-O, been out of the country and for some reason I just stumbled across how crazy Amanda Bynes is these days. "I want Drake to murder my vagina" was one of her tweets and she looks like she's had tons of plastic surgery....and had her vagina murdered by many a dude. How/when/why did this ex-Nickelodeon hotty start going all Lindsay Lohan on us?
-Bob, Thailand

I touched on the aforementioned "I want Drake to murder my vagina" tweet when it happened back in March, but aside from that I've kind of steered clear from that slow-motion train wreck that her life has become. But since you asked, I'm all for re-opening this can of worms.

Bynes' twitter account is where you can dig up most of your dirt on the former pre-teen star, and though its mostly just botox-induced (sometimes nude) seflies or shots of her duel microdermal anchors, occasionally we also get sad, confessional gems like this:


It's hard to pin point the exact moment this free-fall began, but the naked cupcake shop incident or her trio of DUI's seem like a good start. She's also hit the blogosphere for her bizarre workout methods, gym wardrobe (or lack thereof) and feud with the aforementioned Lindsay Lohan.

For a more definitive timetable of Bynes demise, check out this re-cap from Caity Weaver over at Gawker. And for a clip of Bynes in happier times, check out her stand up set as a 10 year old in '96.



Your thoughts on that co-worker who feels it is necessary to retrieve bottles and cans from the office recycle bins on their way out at the end of their shift?
-Ski, Rochester

Are you sure we're talking about a co-worker here and not oh, I don't know, that homeless man who lives in the park? I make close to babysitter wages at my job, and would never hesitate to throw out a bottle or can, as opposed to dragging it all the way home with me for the five cents refund. So the fact that you know and work with people who do this absolutely boggles my mind. I'm all for recycling, but I would never take a stranger's trash home with me, ESPECIALLY not from work.

The next time you see this happen please document it and I'll gladly throw it up one the Weave. Unless he/she is saving up for to pay for a life saving medical procedure for someone they love, then it's perfectly within your rights to publicly ridicule them.

Once and for all, please settle the debate over which flavor of Gatorade is the best flavor of Gatorade.
-CJ

There's only two possibly answers here and it basically comes down to a battle of old school versus new school, Lemon Lime versus Glacier Freeze. My go-to is the Glacier for a variety of reasons- it's aesthetically pleasing, tastes awesome and the name alone tricks me into thinking my beverage is five degrees cooler than it actually is.

With that being said- I'll never fault anyone for going with LL, the old faithful. That was my go to mixer for poor man's margaritas during one particularly broke summer. #YOLO



Why does it seem that men get more attractive, better at sex, smarter and more desirable as they get older, yet woman seem to get the reputation of drying up like a raisin, losing their beauty and are no longer desirable once they reach a certain age?
-George Pooney

There are multiple factors as to why men tend to grow more attractive with age compared to our female counterparts, but it really all comes down to reproduction. Woman peak sexually in their late teens/early twenties because that's when they're the most fertile. They were put on this Earth to seduce a mate, get preggers and ensure the survival of our species, hence why they come out of the gates looking so good. Getting pregnant after 35 can be a risky en devour, whereas men can still fire off foot soldiers late into their 60's. So that sense of urgency and closing window never really shuts down for the guys.

I'm assuming the "drying up like a raisin" that you're referring to is a biological result of lower estrogen levels (disclaimer: not a doctor), but that can be solved with a quick squirt of KY, so I'm not too worried. As for losing their beauty, I'm going to have to flat out disagree with that stereotype altogether. There's plenty of hot older women out there, and with age comes experience.

As far as your suggestion that "men get better at sex" with age, the jury is still out for me, but I think for the most part everyone (guys and girls) gets better, or at least gets more comfortable and familiar with their own preferences with the more experience they get.

Think about it like this- when you first started playing basketball, I bet you mostly shot lay-ups until you were able to get confident enough to gradually make your way to the free throw line and beyond. After enough practice you probably got to a point where every now and then you're able to get lucky and hit a half court shot. Now that half court shot can represent whatever goal you want it to be in the bedroom, but the point is it's highly unlikely you were hitting that shot from day 1.

Semi-related: I'm stoked for the salt 'n pepa hair phase of life.

What deceased musical act would you most like to see live?
-John, Los Angeles

Obviously, it would have to be The Beatles (or pretty much any other classic rock act from that generation- Led Zep, Grateful Dead, Hendrix, etc.) but to throw a monkey wrench into your question I'm going to limit it to bands/artists who died during my lifetime.

That leaves me with two of my all time favorites- The Notorious B.I.G. and Sublime. Both shows would be absolutely incredible. I've known the majority, if not all, of their lyrics from an early age on and the atmosphere of a come-back-to-life concert would be like the Tupac hologram times a million. Though for somewhat obvious reasons, I think that I, personally, would fit in best at a Sublime show.

Ever since my Aunt Joy bought me their Greatest Hits cd, while on vacation in Texas in the summer of '00, I've dreamed of sipping on many a 40 oz. while Bradley Nowell & company jammed for me. Through their music they always came off as such lovable guys, with relatable struggles, who just wanted to have fun.

The closest I ever came to seeing Sublime in concert was when a crew of about 20 of us bought tickets to go see the popular cover band Bad Fish play at B.B. King's in NYC junior year of high school. Only before the band even got on stage to perform all the girls that we came with had been kicked out for underage drinking and all the guys had gotten the boot for smoking weed.

I also got in trouble for having these lyrics posted above my bed when I was in 7th grade.

R.I.P. Bradley & Lou Dog



So our parents claim to think that things where better growing up, the people worked harder, did more with less, were less materialistic, less entitled, they had musicians, we have dj's, etcetera etcetera. My view point is that yes, you may have had The Beatles and The Stones, but I can push one button on my phone and a pizza will show up at my house in 30 minutes which is pretty cool.

Not so sure I see the connection between convenient pizza delivery and the best rock band of all time, but please, continue.

Also, not sure if you read Jemele Hill's article on Geno Smith, but basically it talks about how we're a generation of entitled kids and that's why Smith comes off as immature. My thought is that we're not entitled we're just smarter. We're not willing to accept being the low man on the totem pole and are not willing to not be heard. As dumb as the phrase was and still is, there's a reason why our generation came up with the phrase yolo, 

I'm sorry but seeing that phrase used unironically makes me physically cringe 

because we all want to live our lives to the fullest and don't feel like wasting it doing something we hate just cause we get a paycheck, which our parents generation swallowed like an average workday for Naomi Russell. So to our parents generation we obviously look like we don't want to work hard and think that we are entitled to be our own bosses. Which thanks to technology and the internet, unlike our parents, if you have a good idea, you can sell it to Google for 50 million dollars. So the question is, what are your thoughts on this generational gap, are we entitled, or are they old fashioned. What generation would you want to be a part of and why?
-Tom Brokaw's a punk

It's extremely hard to characterize an entire generation because within that group there's going to be millions of people who fall into both categories. Sure, kids can strike it rich these days with massive tech deals (just last week Tumblr sold for $1.1 billion), but look at guys like Henry Ford, John D. Rockefeller, or even on a much smaller scale, Debbi Fields, who in the 70's worked her way up from an Oakland A's ballgirl to a multi-multi millionaire by baking cookies. The opportunities to strike it rich have always been there, the only difference is that now those goals are obtainable while sitting down in your living room.

The reason this generation is smarter than the last is solely due to the speed and convenience to which we can access information. Though it should also be noted that our parent's generation were the ones who created the internet, iPhones, and PORN for our viewing pleasures, so I think rather than ridicule them for feeling a sense of pride over The White Album, we should be thanking them for the doors they've opened for us along the way. Without them, there would literally be no us. Plain and simple.

But now that proper props has been given, I can definitively say that there has never been a better time to grow up, live, eat fro-yo, pirate music, than the present. Sure, our generation is entitled, but we're (well, scientists, not me) also changing the world for the better every single day. We've got a black president, gay athletes, and are light years closer to equality than we've ever been in the past. There's always going to be a few broken bitches out there who try to ruin the world for the rest of us, but for the most part I see a ton of good out there every single day, and that's what makes me most proud to be a part of this generation.

-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I Guarentee The Magic "Win" The N.B.A. Draft Lottery

Vucevic and Noel would make for an imposing front court

The N.B.A. Draft lottery is tonight, which should be exciting, but always ends up as one of the most infuriating events of the basketball year. It's appears to be blatantly rigged, and even if its not, the league has done little to cast a shadow on our doubts. Here's how I proposed to fix it last year, you know, the year in which the league-owned Hornets walked away with the #1 pick in a one horse draft:  
"If I were commissioner of the league, I would have stomped that puppy out right away. See all you have to do to prove your product isn't rigged is show the actual ping pong ball selection live on TV. You can't tell me one good reason why they decide the outcome behind closed doors. It's sketchy, unethical and leaves the door open for way too much speculation.
If they showed the balls being selected, not only would it make the viewing experience more enjoyable (this year's broadcast was awkward and anticlimactic) but it would shut up all the doubters, generate raw emotion from fans and owners and prove that the NBA has nothing to hide."
It's as simple as that. Show us the ping pong balls bouncing around and I'll believe that that team truly "won" the lottery. But so long as Stern or Silver are filling up those envelopes behind closed doors- I'm not buying.

In the past ten years alone we've seen the down and out Cavs land their hometown hero (James '03), the Bulls hit a home run with their hometown prodigy Derrick Rose (on just 1.7% odds), the Cavs win the Kyrie sweepstakes in their first year without LeBron, and the aforementioned, league-owned team formally known as the Hornets win their first lottery without CP3. Which is why I'm absolutely positive that the Magic, who have the best odds as it is at 25%, walk away with the #1 pick after a putrid, post-Dwight campaign in 2012-13. That's just the way this circus works.

-fresh (@danye33)

D-Wade Goes To Prom With Smokeshow Heat Fan



In all seriousness her real date for the night should have just cut his losses and went home as soon as D-Wade walked through the door, right? I mean even if he did end up getting buns that night, there's no way she wasn't wishing that it was Flash inside her the entire time. Bet she couldn't even muster up the decency to fake an O. Here he is all dressed to the nines, on his suit and tie shit, with presumably the hottest girl in his school as a date, and in walks a former Finals MVP to sweep his lady off her feet. Insta-wet.

And make no mistake about it, there's a 100% chance Wade beat. Did you catch the part where he referred to himself as the third wheel? Guy couldn't even keep a straight face.


-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, May 20, 2013

Miguel Does The Impossible, Makes Billboard Music Awards Temporarily Relevant


On the litmus scale of meaningless music awards the Billboard Music Awards typically falls somewhere between the VMA's and the CMA's. But last night was not your typical Billboard Music Awards. In the middle of his performance of his song "Adorn", R&B star(?) Miguel attempted a flying leg kick from one stage to another, jumping over dozens of cheering fans.

I used the word "attempted" rather than "completed", because Miguel did not successfully jump from one stage to another, but instead proved that white men aren't the only ones who can't jump, kicking one female spectator in the face while simultaneously leg dropping another.

True to his craft, Miguel finished his performance, and afterwards took to his twitter feed, writing that he "got caught up in the moment, thank goodness Khyati is okay." Though the tweet has since been deleted.

Here's the video via MarvB_'s Vine-



Now watch it with a random black guy's commentary-



And lastly, the inevitable Jim Ross treatment-



-fresh (@danye33)

Hipsters Rejoice! The Hornets Are (Possibly) Coming Back To Charlotte


Sometime in the past five years, roughly coinciding with the rebirth of snap-backs and Starter jackets, the Charlotte Hornetts, a team that hadn't existed since 2002, became the most visible basketball franchise in the streetwear world. You would be hard pressed to attend a summer concert, or even walk down the street, without seeing a teal and purple champion throwback or a buzzing bee dribbling a basketball in an "H" sweater starring you in the eye. And now all those retro loving Hornets "fans", who lionize 90's NBA despite being in elementary school at the time, may soon be in luck!

According to a report by CBSSports.com, the Bobcats have started the process of bringing the iconic Hornets moniker back to Charlotte. With the current installment of the Hornets changing their name to the New Orleans Pelicans, it makes perfect sense for MJ's team to capitalize on what would be a brilliant business decision.

Unfortunately, commissioner in waiting Adam Silver told Bobcats season ticket holders in April that any change to the Hornets would take 18 months to complete, so the earliest we'll see the striped Charlotte uni's would be at the start of the 2014-15 season.

But depending on how the ping pong balls fall in the next few drafts, a Nerlans Noel/Andrew Wiggins NBA Jam duo could go a long way in challenging the Zo/Glen Rice duo's of yesteryear for Hornets supremacy.

[ESPN] Bobcats Could Revert To Hornets

-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, May 13, 2013

Weave Gotcha Covered- Canadian Astronaut Chris Hadfield "Space Oddity"



Hadfield's five month reign as commander of Expedition 35 aboard the International Space Station came to an end Sunday, but not before the world's most lovable, mustachioed, astronaut gave us one last gift- the first ever music video from space.

-fresh (@danye33)

What Could Gotye Possibly Have Done To Make His Ex-Girlfriend Change Her Number?


It's been a little over a year since "Somebody That I Used To Know", Gotye's creepy-yet-catchy ode to his ex, first penetrated our ear buds. And in that time I still haven't gotten over the fact that this guy (allegedly) did something so bad that his girlfriend "changed her number" to avoid talking to him. First off, is this even a real thing that people do post-relationship? I've witnessed plenty of fucked up couples go their separate ways, but none that have ever reached the point of changing their telephone number. Like that kind of seems like a big deal, no? And even if she did change her number, couldn't he just find out the new one from a mutual friend? If that were to happen then she would have went through all that trouble for nothing.

The whole scenario just feels a bit off to me. She wants him out of her life so much so that she goes through the hassle of changing her number, yet has no problem subjecting her friends to his irrational and possible dangerous behavior by sending them over to his place to collect a bunch of old records? I feel like if at a certain point you've just got to cut your losses, which in this case is her vinyl records, and get this guy out of her life for good. You can't have it both ways sister.

Oh, and Gotye- learn how to take a hint. IT'S OVER!

-fresh (@danye33)

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Here's A Years Worth Of NBA Fights Condensed Into An 8 Minute YouTube Video



Ironically, Metta World Peace is involved in roughly 40% of these scuffles.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Music Videos That Don't Suck- M.C. Longshot "Len Bias"



Last April I interviewed M.C. Longshot after coming across his heartfelt tribute to the "greatest that never was", Len Bias. At the time he said a video for the track was in the works and that he would send it my way upon completion. Which leads us to today's post, a perfectly crafted memorial to perhaps the most tragic cautionary tale of all-time.

It's amazing to think about how many people's lives were effected by this young man's death. I recently finished reading Eddie Haung's memoir, "Fresh Off The Boat", and in the story he talks about how his father, a Taiwanese immigrant, says that Len Bias "broke his heart". And that despite dabbling and selling other drugs throughout the years, Eddie never touched cocaine because knew how much Len's death affected his dad.

To this day my uncle still keeps the Len Bias Sports Illustrated cover in his desk at work, and I bet there's thousands of other people who feel the same connection.

I think that it is very important that we do whatever we can to keep Bias' legacy alive with tributes like my uncle's S.I. cover or Longshot's song so that future generations can grow up with an awareness to the consequences of drug use, and know that death is only a heartbeat away, no matter how good you are at basketball.

-fresh (@danye33)

All Aboard The Chance The Rapper Bandwagon


Forgive me if I fuck up any of these details, but the truth of the matter is that I just listened to this Chance The Rapper cat for the first time and I can't possibly put y'all on to him soon enough. The 20 year old artist hails from Chicago's southside, and just released his second mixtape, Acid Rap. I haven't even gotten a chance to listen to it in it's entirety, but the first song I listened to, "Acid Rain", was enough to sink its claws into me for good.

On the song Chance raps about a variety of different life experiences, from turning to drugs to ease the pain of reality ("I trip to make the fall shorter"), to what it was like witnessing his friend get murdered ("I seen it happen, I seen it happen, I seen it always. He be screaming, I see his demons in empty hallways), to reminiscing about his childhood ("I miss my diagonal grilled cheeses, and back when Mike Jackson was still Jesus), you really get a sense for what this man stands for. Which is why I believe him when he says he's hungry for success, but not willing to compromise his integrity and beliefs to become popular ("And I'm hungry, I'm just not that thirsty.").

Here's Chance describing his album in his own words:


Now it's time for you guys to pop that tab and enjoy.



Download Acid Rap for free, here.

-fresh (@danye33)

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Fresh Take Mailbag, Vol. 7


Thanks to vacation and an unexpected case of the Coxsackie virus (not nerely as cool as it sounds) I had to skip last week's mailbag. But don't fret my pets (+10 internet points if you can name what 90's sitcom popularized that phrase), because this week I'm re-charged and answering questions on pressing issues like Obama's holiday shopping list, wedding proposals, who to cast in Mario Kart: the movie, and much, much more. As always, please continue to hit me with all of your wildest questions via e-mail, tweet, text or in the comment section of our Facebook Fan Page.

Now let's start the insanity!

What do you think Obama gets his secret service guys for Christmas/holidays? Obviously there's a lot of them, but you gotta figure he's on a first name basis with a few of the men and women who would take a bullet for him at a moments notice. Is it a bonus check, maybe a pair of nice tickets, maybe nothing?! 
- Hall Pass

This question intrigued me so I did a little digging and found out that the U.S. Secret Service employs approximately 3,200 special agents, 1,300 uniformed division officers and more than 2,000 technical, professional and administrative personal. So I think its safe to say that Barry O ain't springing for 5,000+ rollies each December (unless of course it was on the tax payers dime, in which case, its entirely feasible). 

Though I'd like to think that the President rewards the people who keep him safe, much the way a quarterback splurges on his offensive linemen at the end of each season, there's a big difference between literally thousands of agents and five, easy to please, big uglies. 

But just because not every special agent receives a hefty bonus around the holidays doesn't mean Obama doesn't have his personal favorites whom he rewards handsomely. I'm sure he's got a handful of elites who don't let him out of their site who he comps a few lap dances for down at Archibald's Gentlemens Club. He also probably takes care of everyone he interacts with on a daily basis like his driver, chef, secretary, cleaning lady and doorman, to name a few. I bet all unpaid interns receive the finest humidors.


After dating the same girl for 4 years and getting older and closer to becoming a real adult, what are the strong indications that its time to start saving up for the ring? And if so, what would be the most baller way to propose?
-Nick

It should first be noted that there's a big difference between becoming a real adult and making a decision to spend the rest of your life legally bonded to another human being. One involves things like buying a suit or cutting down on your marijuana use, while the other involves phrases like "til death do us part" and "if you leave, she gets half". 

But if you do feel like changing your lady's last name in the (somewhat) near future, there are a few indications to look out for. For starters- establish that this is the person you envision yourself growing old with. Once you've made that decision with one hundred percent certainty, you can then move on to the next phase which is logistics. 

This phase involves steps like saving up one to three months pay (depending on how egotistical your future wife is) and ultimately asking her father for her hand in marriage. These things do take time, so I would say there's nothing wrong with getting a head start on saving up if you think you've found "the one". Even if you're not planning on dropping the bomb for another 2-3 years, setting aside $20 a week would add up to pretty sizable amount in no time. And to think, that's like, three less Bud Lights per weekend. I think you'll manage just fine.

As far as proposals go, its not so much about "being a baller" as it is doing something your girl will love. Your idea of the perfect proposal may involve running into the ring at Wrestlemania, Rock Bottoming "The Miz" and getting down on one knee while an area full of people cheer you on, but chances are that's not what your girlfriend would want.

Think of things that she likes do, or places that have meaning to your relationship. Like re-visiting the spot you guys met, had your first kiss, etc. Sure flash mob proposals are all the rage these days, but the act of proposing should never overshadow the girl whose getting the ring. All eyes should be on her, not 600 strangers dancing to Bruno Mars.



One last word of advice- NEVER propose at a sporting event. That camera leaves you real vulnerable


Would Kevin McHale be a great player in today's NBA?
-Key


McHale had post moves for days, as well as the heart of a champion, so there's no doubt that his greatness would transcend to today's game. But after looking back at some of his stats and credentials it would be fair to say that being a part of some of those historic Celtic's squads no doubt added to his legacy. I mean he spent the prime of his career as a highly efficient 6th man, but still, a 6th man nonetheless. He also never averaged 10 rebound per game and Chris Bosh has already been selected to more All-Star games. 

His playing weight was 6'10, 210 lbs, which is forty pounds less than KG (who looks like a string bean by comparison to today's players), but I think his craftiness around the basket would more than make up for his lack of size. He shot 55% from the field for his career and led the league in shooting percentage twice so you know he was extremely efficient with the rock. And like I said, those post moves...

Insert a prime Kevin McHale into the league in 2013 and he's still the best power forward in the NBA by a long shot. Sorry K-Love, but its true. 

What is more sad?  The fact that I use body spray or the fact that I go double pits to chesty every time I use it?
-Have my babies Danye

Hey! There's nothing with using body spray...


...if you're trying to get a girl to grind with you at an 8th grade dance. 

What's your favorite activity to do during a power outage?
-Rick 



As a Knicks fan, how do you feel about former Knick David Lee going down with a season-ending injury in his first career playoff game? The guy goes 8 years without making the playoffs, and his first playoff game could potentially be his last...talk about shitty luck!
-Dan, Toronto (Ed note: this e-mail was sent two weeks ago)

It was shitty luck for David to go down so early with the spotlights on him. Especially when you consider how well the Warriors have been playing, you gotta figure this could have been Lee's time to shine. Regardless, you've got to love the heart he showed suiting up and playing for two minutes in Golden State's game 6 victory over the Nuggets, just so he could say that he contributed to his first ever playoff series win. Also, throwing Harrison Barnes out there as the small ball power forward in Lee's absence completely changed the way Karl's Nuggets tried to match up with them, giving the Dubs a huge advantage. 

One subplot to this year's playoffs that I have found to be fascinating is the number of ex-Knicks from the dark era (04-09) who have completely reinvented themselves as the focal points of successful, playoff teams. It's unfortunate that Lee got hurt, but he did make the All-Star team this year (over Splash Curry), and put the Warriors in position to be competitive in the postseason. Gallo's another guy who got hurt at the wrong time, resulting in an early exit from what was expected to be a deep playoff run in Denver. Z-Bo keeps chugging along in Memphis, putting up 20-10's like he's playing on a Nurf hoop in the basement. And perhaps no player in the league has had more meaningful moments in the first three weeks of the playoffs than Nate Robinson. He absolutely owned the Brooklyn series (23 points in the 4th quarter of Game 4, anyone?), and hasn't let up versus the defending champs. Take a look at how he closed out Game 1 on Monday:



He sure has come a long way from this

I don't have any good sports questions for you at the moment, but after watching the Remi Kart videos on Youtube, it got me thinking- who would you cast if you were in charge of making Mario Kart: the movie.   
-J

*gives standing ovation for best question in Mailbag history*

It doesn't even matter what the plot of this movie would be, you could talk me into 90 minutes of Peach and Wario doing figure 8's in a 7-11 parking lot and I'd watch that shit. And with the cast I'm about to hypothetically throw together, you'd watch too! Now lets stop wasting time and get to the characters.


Mario- Jason Biggs

Don't sleep on Biggs' acting chops. He's carried comedies with deep casts before (American Pie franchise, Saving Silverman) plus he's already reinvented himself as the face of one reincarnated 90's classic on the new, animated, rendition of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

"You saw what kind of damage he could do with a pie, but just WAIT until you see what he can do with a banana peel! Jason Biggs is Mario, in Mario Kart: the movie!"



Luigi- Michael Cera 

Cera was born to play the second fiddle. Until about five minutes ago, I had completely forgotten that he was the teen alongside Jonah Hill in Superbad. That's by no means a knock on Michael, he plays his roles to perfection and knocks every character (and occasional co-star) out of the park. But he doesn't need the spotlight on him. A few awkward interactions and some one liners are all I'm asking for out of my Luigi, and I'm HIV positive Cera will be able to deliver.


Princess Peach- Kaitlin Olson

With nine seasons of It's Always Sunny in the books, Kaitlin has proved that she's more than capable of being the only female in a hit comedy.  Which is great because Princess Peach is the only person with two X chromosomes in Mario Kart: the movie.

But hey, at least Jason Biggs is an upgrade from Lil' Kevin, the rapper from season 3's "Sweet Dee's Dating A Retarded Person", right?


Boswer- Vin Diesel 

Short? Yup. Stocky? You betcha! Hellbent on taking over the world? Ding, ding, ding! We have a Bowser. 


Toad- Seth Green

Though most of Green's work in recent years has come via voice over (Family Guy, Robot Chicken, Mad TV), I still think he's got one last Kenny Fisher performance up his sleeve. Plus we needed to find someone small enough to pass for Toad, and I'm 85% sure Seth is a legal midget.



D.K.- Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Complete no brainer. He's the only actor even remotely close to possessing D.K.'s ridiculous strength and muscle mass. I would not want to face this guy in Battle mode.




Wario- Fat Jonah Hill

Make no mistake about it, I NEED Jonah Hill to be fat when he plays Wario for me. Skinny Jonah Hill reminds me of the Holocaust and is about as useful as a triple A battery. I mean he looked pretty hefty on those boat pics with Leo, which was pretty reassuring, but can I really rely on him to stay that way throughout filming? I guess these are just the types of gambles you've got to be willing to take when you set out to make the perfect movie.



Yoshi- Blake Anderson

Don't question it, just embrace it.


-fresh (@danye33)

Hot Fire- Selena Gomez "Come And Get It"



Selena comin' in hawt! Who knew this chick could sing? Even though I gotta say the first few times I heard this song on the radio I could have sworn it was Rihanna on the track. Just felt like the sexual undertones had Ri-Ri written all over it. Anyways, this video kinda, almost, sorta makes up for her lack of nudity in Spring Breakers.

In other news, the Biebs seems to be taking the breakup well. And by taking it well, I mean it looks like he shit his pants and then tried to rob a gas station while wearing a fedora.



-fresh (@danye33)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Shump Channels His Inner 'ONYX' As The Knicks Even Things Up With Indy



Mr. Hightop with the highlight of the night, as the Knicks force 21 turnovers and cruise to the 105-79 victory over the Pacers. The game included a 36-4 run by New York, as well as one of the most bizarre stat lines in recent memory:
Jason Kidd- 0/3 FG, 0 points, 2 rebounds, 4 assists, 2 steals, +/- of +20
For some unknown reason these two teams don't play again until Saturday night (G.S./S.A & Mia/Chi both play twice before the Knicks play again), which should give Carmelo plenty of time to rest his nagging shoulder. And there are rumors floating around that Amare is likely to make his '13 playoff debut in game 3.

Though I'm still undecided on whether or not that's a good thing.

-fresh (@danye33)

Monday, May 6, 2013

Let The Derrick Rose Shit Talking Commence!


The banged up Bulls put year one of Brooklyn-era basketball in the books Saturday night, beating the Nets 99-93 in a win or go home game 7 at the Barclay Center. Joakim Noah scored 24 points to go along with 14 rebounds and 6 blocks (on one leg), and Jimmy Butler played all 48 minutes while filling in for the hospitalized Luol Deng. Gutsy performances like these have become a staple for Bulls' teams under Coach Thibodeau, but this year's group of guys are in a class of their own when it comes to overcoming adversity.

The Bulls knew this season wasn't going to be easy from the get-go. They planned to be without Derrick Rose, the only man in the past five years not named LeBron James to win an MVP award, for an extended period of amount of time as he recovered from an ACL tear, as the injury bug predictably bit guys like Noah, Richard Hamilton and Kirk Hinrich along the way.

But that didn't stop Chicago from winning 45 games and allowing the third fewest points in the league. They also put the clamps on Miami's quest for 34 straight in late March.

As the playoffs came around, everyone was quick to take their game to the next level. Like journeyman Nate Robinson, who scored 23 points in the fourth quarter of game 4. A game in which his team trailed by 14 points with four minutes remaining, yet won 142-134 in 3 OT's. Marco Belinelli put up a season high 24 points in the deciding game of round 1, and Carlos Boozer has upped both his points and rebounds per game numbers from the regular season.

Seemingly, everyone on their roster has risen to the occasion. With the exception, of course, being their captain.

The Derrick Rose situation is a sticky one, but when it comes down to it, the decision of whether or not to test out his bum leg should be his alone to make. But that hasn't stopped everyone from media outlets to message board dwellers from calling out his "toughness", or in some cases, much worse.

It's been nearly 60 days since Rose's doctor gave him the okay to play, which only makes his decision to wear a suit instead of sneakers that much more polarizing. Rose has spoke openly about the benefits of not rushing back from his injury and taking the whole season off, saying he would surely "come back a better player", but that's not what Bulls fans or management wants to hear. Especially when they're just 12 wins away from their first championship in 15 years.

The Bulls kick off their second round matchup verse Miami tonight, and although the Heat are the proverbial favorites to win their second straight title, Chicago knows they have their number. They'll be without Hinrich and Deng, as they both recover from various illnesses, as well as D Rose, who is set to miss his 90th game of the season. But as Bills Simmons perfectly worded in his Thirty Questions column for Grantland last week "Nobody wants to be the next Guy Who Came Back Too Soon," which is why at the end of the day you have to respect Rose's decision to not put the remainder of his career in jeopardy. We saw the Nats do it with Straburg last fall, and we certainly haven't seen the last of players who put health before championships.

I'm sure everyone in Chicago is holding out hope that Rose can pull a Willis Reed this series versus LeBron & company, but it's tough to do when you don't have a leg to stand on.

-fresh (@danye33)

Friday, May 3, 2013

"Heavy Is The Head That Wears The Crown" John Fontanelli On How Maturity Makes All The Difference In The NBA


LeBron James and The Miami Heat are the clear-cut favorites in the Eastern Conference, and you’d be hard-pressed to find an objective NBA viewer who would disagree. At the start of the playoffs, the New York Knicks seemed like the team with the best chance to challenge Miami’s path to The Finals. After all, The Knicks burned the Heat twice by 20 points early in the seasonand are responsible for three of Miami’s 16 losses.

The Knicks have a lot of firepower to match the Heat. They’re the 2nd seed in the conference and winners of 54 games. They have the leading scoring in the NBA in Carmelo Anthony, the 6th Man of the Year in JR Smith, and last season’s Defensive Player of the Year and Team USA’s starting center in Tyson Chandler. While those three don’t have the same talent or pedigree as James (about to win his 4th MVP Award in 5 seasons), Dwyane Wade (2x NBA Champion and '06 Finals MVP), and Chris Bosh (8-time All-Star and first ballot champagne showerer), they have more to match Miami than any other team in the Eastern Conference.

In the off-season, the Heat lured the NBA’s all-time 3-point leader, Ray Allen, away from their biggest rivals. While the Knicks acquired their own future-Hall-of-Fame guard, Jason Kidd, who happens to be 3rd all-time in made 3’s. Miami needed a rebounder to provide energy and toughness, so they picked up Chris Anderson mid-season. New York needed the same, so they signed Kenyon Martin.
                
The similarities are striking, but their major difference showed after both teams went up 3-0 on their first round opponents: Maturity.

A year removed from winning the NBA Finals, a playoff journey that began by knocking off New York in 5, the Heat maintained a very business-like attitude against the 8 seeded Milwaukee Bucks. Before the series started, Brandon Jennings prognosticated that the Bucks would beat the Heat in six games. Miami, in the most literal sense, didn’t flinch.
                
The Heat swept the Bucks, winning every contest by double digits, including Games 3 and 4 in Milwaukee. Their perimeter defense and ball movement did all the talking, as Miami completed their first sweep of the LeBron era.

The Knicks looked to be en route to their first trip to the 2nd round since they swept the Toronto Raptors in a best-of-five in 2000. They had a familiar foe, the Boston Celtics, on the ropes, with an opportunity to advance if they could just win Game 4 on the road.  They took the floor without JR Smith, who was suspended for landing an elbow to the face of Jason Terry late in Game 3.

New York trailed by 19 at the half, but somehow fought back to force overtime, before eventually faltering in the extra period.
                
The result left no real cause for concern for the Knicks and their fans. They lost a highly-contested game to a desperate team on the road, but were headed back home to MSG for a crucial Game 5 with another chance to close them out. A mature, veteran team should have every reason to be confident in that situation. However, that confidence soon became cockiness and maturity became anything but.

It started with an avalanche of bulletin board material and unnecessary trash talk from JR Smith. In the off-day before Game 5, Smith remarked that if he had been on the court for Game 4, the series would have been over, and that he “would have been playing golf today.”
                
When prompted, he again stated, “Oh yeah, it’d have been over. It would have been.”
                
His arrogance and contempt continued when asked about Jason Terry. “Who? I don’t even know who that is.”
                
Smith didn’t stop there either. He put further pressure on himself and the Knicks with his comments about both Games 4 and 5. "I wasn't pleased with it. My teammates wasn't either. I'll get the chance to make up for it tomorrow."
                
"We're playing at our building. We're planning on not losing any games at our building, so I mean we've got to get this thing over as fast as we can so we can get (Jason Kidd) his rest, Melo his rest, and get prepared for the next series.”
                
To make matters even worse, Kenyon Martin, who had played only 23 games in a Knicks uniform, drew even more off-the-court attention to the series by stating, "We're ending it Wednesday.” He also insisted that his teammates wear black to symbolize “Funeral colors."



As a lifetime Knicks fan, NBA fan, sports fan, and advocate of common sense, it’s hard to think of anything less admirable than an organization letting two players who already have reputations as poor teammates with cancerous personalities create such irresponsible and disgraceful distractions in the media.
                
Mike Woodson, who’s gotten a lot of credit for helping to rehabilitate JR Smith, deserves a lion’s share of the blame for Smith’s actions on the court in Game 3, as well as his recent comments.
                
Jason Kidd, who reportedly encouraged the team to take a chance on Kenyon Martin, and understands the concentration and humility it takes to lead a team through the playoffs, has to stand in the way of bone-headed initiatives like “Funeral colors”.
                
Leadership from people like Woodson, Kidd, and Tyson Chandler has defined the winning culture New York has created this season. Going into Game 5, they appeared less like a level-headed team of smart veterans than they had all season, and it showed.
                
Their shaky performance seemed karmic in a way. JR Smith missed his first ten field goals, and often settled for contested jump shots. Kenyon Martin finished the game with a +/- of minus 13, and tallied two points and five fouls in thirteen minutes. Carmelo Anthony shot 8-24 and went 0-5 from 3-point range. New York never looked comfortable on offense, and their defensive rotations were nothing short of lazy. Their overall effort and attitude did nothing to portray them as a contender in the Eastern Conference, and the question now lingers as to whether the Knicks will become the first team in NBA history to lose a series after leading 3-0.



In fairness, credit must be given to Boston. They’re substantially better than the Milwaukee team the Heat faced in Round 1. In Games 4 and 5, they went back to sharing the ball and playing to their strengths offensively, which proved successful for them after Rajon Rondo’s mid-season injury. Brandon Bass has done a great job guarding Carmelo Anthony, and Jeff Green and Jason Terry have proved themselves as reliable scoring options. Kevin Garnett made big plays for the Celtics on both ends of the floor, and Paul Pierce played better than his 6-19 stat line would indicate (mainly because he was 4-8 from downtown).
                
Despite being the deeper, more talented and athletically gifted team, the Knicks gave back every advantage they had by being less disciplined and poised than their counterparts.
                
On Thursday, Mike Woodson acknowledged his team’s all black attire, saying that it made him “a little upset” and that he “addressed that”.
                
"I made reference to our guys, you need to stay out of the papers and just concentrate on playing. That's not important. What you're wearing doesn't have anything to do with how you play on the basketball floor,” Woodson said
                
While the coach’s words are stern, they thinly veil the issues with poor chemistry his team has shown. Off the court, they either look arrogant or defeated, and lack the coalescing qualities found on championship teams. On the court, they refuse to share the ball, and rely heavily on isolation. This plays into the hand of the Celtics defense and further erodes the cohesiveness in the Knicks foundation.
                
At this point, the Miami has no reason to fear the Knicks, not as a basketball team, nor as a group of men. In all the intangible ways that New York has shown weakness, the Heat have shown strength.


  
Before their first playoff game, LeBron James turned off his cell phone. Just as he did last season, he vowed not to turn it back on until after the NBA Finals. His last tweet read “Zero Dark Thirty-6 Activated! I’m gone.”
                
The antithesis of eliminating distractions is embodied by JR Smith. After his contribution to a Knicks win in Game 2, Smith tweeted “In so tired of dudes trying to take pictures with other dudes in the club it makes me sick! #IAintTryingToBeRudeDudeButGiveAGSomeSpace,” at 1:33 AM.
                
One of these men will likely be an Eastern Conference Champion in a few weeks. If maturity and professionalism are any indication, it shouldn’t be hard to tell who will wear that crown.

-J Fonts (@JohnAnthony)